Confronting Jekyll and Hyde DH

[molehillormountain]

Hi all, this follows on from my previous Jekyll and Hyde thread-not sure how to link. Wanted to let you all know that last night we had The conversation about how he thought i did not want to be with him anymore. He said this because he tried to initiate sex but I was not interested having just driven a 2 hour round trip and arriving home late.

He asked if it was true that I just didn't want to be with him anymore, I said yes at times I have had enough as I can no longer cope with his inconsistent behaviour towards me. He justified it by saying he is frustrated and lost because he wants to move abroad and i keep changing my mind. I explained the reason I change my mind is due to his angry outbursts and that I don't feel safe going with him when he could behave totally the same and i would not be able to leave as easily. I said I didn't know who he was anymore-his mood always dictates the weekend. I told him the reason I seemed 'cold' as he put it was because he made me detach from him due to being mean at times. He got cross and called me a baby (because i said the word 'mean' presumably) and everyone has fights. He asked exasperated if I don't want to move abroad what do I want to do with the rest of my life? I said I can't answer such a big question and he said I was like a politician, always dodging his questions. I told him I felt I didn't have a voice in our relationship as he stonewalls me. The fact he called me a baby after I tried to confront his behaviour further highlighted this.

His thoughts were as follows - why was I still there if he was such an arsehole?; he said he gets frustrated because I never help with anything (although when I gave examples he retracted), but above all gets irritable because he does not see his future in this country.

He went to the spare room and then shortly after got back into bed with me and said he was sorry I was upset. And asked if i would have moved abroad had he not been frustrated and I said i might have.

He said we haven't really been together for a while now and he wanted to be. I said time will tell. This morning I have given his breakfast in bed and he has not emerged yet so can't gauge the mood. What are your thoughts?

Are you in the UK ?

Yes and I know they don't stand up but I'm wouldn't take his money

Really? A pre-nup? Is he very wealthy?

He thinks he has you over a barrel.

Regardless of the pre-nup (didn't think they held much sway in real life) a court will decide. They will prioritise the needs of the child and the child normally remains with the principal carer.

You really do need legal advice. I still think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Not a millionaire by any means but he will potentially need the money for future medical costs.

Get on the phone Monday at 9am and make a face to face appt with a solicitor.

Do you know if you will need money for the future, for your health?

It is not my money. It is ring fenced

Was it inherited by him, or earned before marriage?

And if you do split up, how will DS be supported? Maintenance only? Where will you and him live?

It was compensation money.

No idea about maintenance or anything, hoped it would never come to this.

you will survive

he is walking all over you because he knows you are scared
he knows he is able to get away with a murder and you won't upset him

it is nice to work part-time but can you up your hours to say 30 hours a week?

Your son soon will be in full time education, you said you are close to both sets of grandparents, can they be of any help at all?

what are his parents saying about his plans to emigrate?

what is going to happen to him if he falls ill soon after arriving in Aus (I have no idea what condition is he suffering from) - can this money which are ringfenced be enough to support him in a foreign country, would you then be a breadwinner?

He's being a complete dick - if you split he will lose DS if he emigrates. So the only way he gets to emigrate is to work on the relationship so that you feel enough belief in it that you want to go.

Perhaps you have him over a barrel and have far more power than you realise...

I think your post at 10.51 is very powerful. Is there any way you could say all that to him? He asked you for your vision of the future and you weren't able to answer straight away because who can come up with something so coherent when put on the spot light that. But then you thought about it and wrote that and it's such a strong and heartfelt vision, I really think you should communicate it with him. Obviously, it doesn't match his vision. If he cares about you at all, he should at least listen and take it seriously. If he won't, then at least you will know how little he really cares about how you feel and can make decisions accordingly.

Random- it means that if he does change and becomes who he used to be, I will now think it is an act. He has shown me he has a nasty streak.

By the way, you expressing your concerns about emigrating with him and him then treating you badly, has already started to get through to him. OK, he dismissed it initially and subsequently he tried to minimise by calling it him being frustrated rather than him being an arsehole but he was recognising that his behaviour was contributing to your reluctance. I still don't think you should go but I admire the way you've managed to articulate your feelings. Keep going.

Thanks jackw and thank you to everyone. You shall get a full update!

I saw your other thread and was very worried for you. Please do not feel tempted to go to Australia, even for a visit.

He is deluding himself if he thinks it is going to be beaches and sunshine every day.

OP, you have had a previous long thread with all the exact same advice on it

how many more will you start, just to get the same replies

the definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome

this is up to you now

"Yes and I know they don't stand up but I'm wouldn't take his money"

The money is to look after his son and the sons mother (you) - its selfish to refuse what is your sons right just because you feel uncomfortable about taking it. The reason marital assets are split is because youve also been contributing to the home with the housework, cooking etc and looking after your shared child, the share in assets is your wage for all that work and providing your husband his looked-after lifestyle. Its SHARED assets and you are entitled to your share, youre not just begging him for some of his.

He's the one who's already planning to breach the terms of the visa and settle in another area, yes?

I'm sorry OP but I agree with AF.

OP, whatever you do, don't emigrate with him! You will be stuck there because he won't let take ds home.

Start to think about leaving him, even if it is a scary prospect. Go and see a solicitor just to see what you would be entitled to.

Wholeheartedly agree with Stormtreader ^^ regarding the fact that it's your son you need to protect and shoehorning some of that dosh away from your 'D'H would be for your DS. I would see a solicitor as soon as possible and then decide what you want and stick to it without waver. Email your tosser of a husband if need be to put him in the picture as to what the solicitor said and what your decision is.

My main piece of advice would be (as others) do not, whatever you do, emigrate. It will be a disaster! Your husband does not give a tinkers rap for your views or concerns and that will not change in a warmer climate. Prepare for him to turn into a complete arsehole over this but follow the legal advice and it will all get sorted out in the long run.