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Original poster

Confronting Jekyll and Hyde DH

71 replies

molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 09:18

Hi all, this follows on from my previous Jekyll and Hyde thread-not sure how to link. Wanted to let you all know that last night we had The conversation about how he thought i did not want to be with him anymore. He said this because he tried to initiate sex but I was not interested having just driven a 2 hour round trip and arriving home late.

He asked if it was true that I just didn't want to be with him anymore, I said yes at times I have had enough as I can no longer cope with his inconsistent behaviour towards me. He justified it by saying he is frustrated and lost because he wants to move abroad and i keep changing my mind. I explained the reason I change my mind is due to his angry outbursts and that I don't feel safe going with him when he could behave totally the same and i would not be able to leave as easily. I said I didn't know who he was anymore-his mood always dictates the weekend. I told him the reason I seemed 'cold' as he put it was because he made me detach from him due to being mean at times. He got cross and called me a baby (because i said the word 'mean' presumably) and everyone has fights. He asked exasperated if I don't want to move abroad what do I want to do with the rest of my life? I said I can't answer such a big question and he said I was like a politician, always dodging his questions. I told him I felt I didn't have a voice in our relationship as he stonewalls me. The fact he called me a baby after I tried to confront his behaviour further highlighted this.

His thoughts were as follows - why was I still there if he was such an arsehole?; he said he gets frustrated because I never help with anything (although when I gave examples he retracted), but above all gets irritable because he does not see his future in this country.

He went to the spare room and then shortly after got back into bed with me and said he was sorry I was upset. And asked if i would have moved abroad had he not been frustrated and I said i might have.

He said we haven't really been together for a while now and he wanted to be. I said time will tell. This morning I have given his breakfast in bed and he has not emerged yet so can't gauge the mood. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 16:07

He has been wanting to emigrate for 3 years, and suggested we try and get the visa to give ourselves the opportunity to go, even if we didn't go. He has known all along that I am not on board with it - but now it has come to crunch, it is all my fault.

OP posts:
Nolim · 07/02/2015 16:19

As i said: there seem to be hidden agendas. So please consult a neutral party. Blaming each other wont help you to reach a compromise i am afraid.

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 16:41

What do you mean by hidden agendas?

OP posts:
Nolim · 07/02/2015 17:41

Well, 3 years ago was he absolutely clear that he intends to emmigrate and expects you to go with him and Were you absolutely clear that yo do not intend to so such a thing? Or did you both assume that in 3 years the other one would come back to their senses and change their mind? If the former then you probably had the mother of all fights 3 years ago and decided to either compromise or split. But i am guesing that it was the later. In that case both or at least one of you two had hidden agendas, assuming buy not saying that the other one would change their mind.

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 18:03

Nolim - I was against emigrating from the start and agreed to compromise at 2 years. However, since then he has been nothing but grumpy at times and makes me feel anxious at home, which has put me off wanting to do even the two years. I also found out about the Hague Convention which means I will legally not be able to take my son home if DH was to withhold permission. My mum and his mum also believe that he will not want to come back after the two years.

OP posts:
Nolim · 07/02/2015 18:09

All those are fair points. As i said please contact a councelor so that both of you can discuss your feelings and expectations.

Handywoman · 07/02/2015 18:34

How have things been today, OP?

Will you talk again tonight?

I think the topic of conversation should centre around your relationship. Your reluctance to consider emigrating in view of the way he makes you feel is entirely understandable, justified and very wise.

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 18:43

Hi Handywoman, he was in front of his laptop all day today doing work and only spoke when spoken to. Horrible atmosphere at home. Just played with DS all day.

Made dh breakfast, lunch and dropped him and his friends into town so they could watch the footy and go for a curry. No kiss goodbye just a cold thank you.

Not ideal for him to be out when we should be discussing things. I agree it needs to be centred around our relationship but he blames the emigrating issue on his moodswings - but it is a vicious circle because the moods mean I don't feel safe to go. Forgot to mention he said last night he has provided everything for me - a house, a car, holidays, a kid. He feels I am ungrateful and need to pay him back in some kind of way for these things - even though they are all in his name.

Thanks for thinking of me

OP posts:
Handywoman · 07/02/2015 18:57

Molehill this is really sad, he thinks he has 'given' you these things. And therefore you should 'give' him the emigration. Clearly life does not work like that.

Emigration is something you both approach together, as a team - only you aren't a team.

He sounds like a man with his head in the sand on many levels: relationship, family, life...

AnyFucker · 07/02/2015 19:45

molehill, it makes me feel very sad to think of you literally waiting on your husband like some kind of domestic servant while he gives you the cold shoulder

tell him to make his own fucking lunch...and as for chauffeuring him around with no thanks, where is your pride ?

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 19:50

I know AF - it is something ingrained in me that I need to do these things so that he is pleasant to be around. I am so scared about what will happen next as i really don't know how we can resolve our issue.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 07/02/2015 19:58

Molehill I know how it feels to be paralysed by an unhealthy/abusive relationship dynamic - I did 14yrs in a similar situation - eventually you will no longer 'love the life you have', you will become depressed.

Can I politely suggest you search for another counsellor? I believe the answer to all this lies in you, realising you are worth something, not in 3yrs, not in Australia, but here and now.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2015 20:02

You have to skivvy around him so he will be "pleasant" ?

What the hell are you thinking ? This is a terrible example to show your dc. Women appeasing men just because.

Please don't be scared of what will happen if you stop acting like a domestic appliance

The best thing that could happen is if he fucks off to Australia without you

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 20:06

I guess if I don't do these things it helps to stifle the bad atmosphere as it is like offering an olive branch. I know it is not right.

I will try not to do it and see what happens.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/02/2015 20:10

It makes a mug of you to are lock him like this

please stop

his mates must feel very sorry for you and your son is absorbing these lessons

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 20:12

I know you are right.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/02/2015 20:13

That was meant to say "arse lick"

I am afraid that is what you are doing. It' s devaluing you and he stands by and lets you do it in front of his friends

he is vile

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 20:16

Ok so how do I behave then AF? By setting new boundaries for our relationship or moving on?

OP posts:
Handywoman · 07/02/2015 20:19

Start behaving like you are of equal worth.

And if you choose you can move on - you can do both OP.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2015 20:26

my advice is fairly predictable I am afraid

Anyone who even tried to treat me like he treats you would be gone, no questions asked

who the fuck does he think he is ?

I am not sure you are ready for that though. You still have too much hope that if you just appease him and behave in a certain way he will love you and treat you decently

the problem with that is though he will change the goalposts constantly so he is always in charge

you will find yourself on a constant treadmill running to his tune

life is too short for that shot

tell him you are never going to Oz, stop skivvying for him and tell him to get the fuck out until he can show you some respect

then see how the cards fall

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 20:32

Well we would have to get the fuck out of his house. I am scared of that too, there is no way I could support us in the area we live on my wage. He knows that as well, when he asks me why I am still here when I call him an arsehole.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 07/02/2015 20:33

Why would you have to leave? It is the marital home is it not?

YeahDamon · 07/02/2015 20:39

Are you married? Because if you are then the things he thinks are his are actually yours as well. So he can't just boot you out of the house.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2015 21:01

If you are married, it is not his house

see a solicitor and find out what your rights are, I think you will be surprised

who told you that you would have to leave...him ? Why take the word of that nasty bastard ? Get some impartial legal advice.

Original poster
molehillormountain · 07/02/2015 21:03

Signed a pre-nup.

OP posts:
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