Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

unfaithful - should I tell?

68 replies

ariadne · 21/10/2006 10:26

I was unfaithful to my husband 3 years ago. I don't remember it, I was drunk but I know it happened. I have never told him, tried to put it behind me. But the guilt nags at me and I am wondering if I should tell him?

I don't want to hurt him, but feel like I am living a lie - he doesn't love the real me.

OP posts:

lulumama · 21/10/2006 10:30

can you face the cdonsequences of telling the truth, especially after such a long time...how do you think he will react? is that going to better or worse than what you are living throiugh now...especially if this cuold end your marriage

IMO a drunken one night stand is not the same as an ongoing affair, involving huge lies and deception

how would you fell about DH if he suddenly confessed a one night stand, especially if years had gone by and everything had seemed ok?

Socci · 21/10/2006 10:34

Message withdrawn

HumphreyComfrey · 21/10/2006 10:38

This was a one-off mistake a long time ago.

I don't think it was part of the 'real' you, as you say it was a drunken encounter - I'm assuming you haven't done anything like it since.

If it was an affair then I'd say tell him.

But as it is, I would advise not to say anything, forgive yourself and move on.

Original poster

ariadne · 21/10/2006 10:39

lulumama, I don't know how I would feel, but if it was in the past, I would want to concentrate on the now.

Socci, it was not ok but I am not that person anymore. I pretty much stopped drinking after that.
Perhaps that is the answer to my question, to leave the past where it belongs. I just don't want to take the easy way out.

Things have not been great in our marriage recently, and I want to mend it. But perhaps throwing a huge spanner into the work is not the right way.

Outside opinions are really helpful.

OP posts:

lulumama · 21/10/2006 10:39

if you tell him solely to make yourself feel better...you won't really achieve anything...except hurting your DH and ultimately yourslef...i wouldn't tell him

lulumama · 21/10/2006 10:41

x post ariadne

if things not good...concentrate on making them better...you might be feeling like you want to hurt him now...but if you can sort things out...and you want to make things good again...then put your energy into that.....concentrate on the future....

DastardlyDevilishDior · 21/10/2006 10:43

Ariadne - definitely don't tell him. You could do the whole soul-bearing thing and it could be OK, but then it probably wouldn't. Out of interest, how do you know if you don't remember it? How many other people know?

TrickOrTref · 21/10/2006 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

liveagorybloodfilledlife · 21/10/2006 11:07

DON'T TELL HIM....just don't!

just not worth it - better to carry it as guilt within you than destroy him and your family. He will never 100% trust you again and that will lead to a sham of a marriage. PLEASE don't do it.

orangeblosson59 · 21/10/2006 11:09

just came across this thread i would leave your mistake in the past and move on it was years ago and while telling him would ease your guilt it would devastate dh you made a mistake alot of people do but you have paid for it in heaps forgive yourself and look to the future it has shown you how much you really love your hubby good luck!!!

edam · 21/10/2006 11:16

No, don't tell. You'd just be relieving your guilty conscience at his expense. Telling would only serve to hurt him. Just love him and show him you care for him, assuming you do.

Mellowma · 21/10/2006 11:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ariadne · 21/10/2006 11:48

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I certainly don't want to cause my husband pain, and I want to focus on sorting out our marriage, not making things worse. So I will not unburden myself onto him. Focus on now and our future, not the past.

Mellowma, I'm sorry to hear you were so badly hurt. Do you wish that your husband hadn't told you?

OP posts:

Pannfriedpumpkin · 21/10/2006 12:08

ariadne.

Def. DON'T tell him. This would be the cruellest of things to do. Agree you would be lightening your mind at his 'innocent' expense.

Very best option? Work at forgiving and loving yourself.

Mellowma · 21/10/2006 12:12

Message withdrawn

whooooooogoesthere · 21/10/2006 12:17

I had a stupid drunken one night stand during my first marriage and told my dh mainly to make me feel better as the guilt was unbearable.
We never recovered and split up - dont do it if it to make you feel better. I wish now that I had lived with the guilt as my ex never really regained his confidence and has not had a long term relationship since many years later.

Original poster

ariadne · 21/10/2006 12:22

The thing is, is not telling him just lying by omission?

Most of the time, I don't even think about it anymore, but then get days like today where I just want to cry every time I look at him. But it is so not relevant to our lives now.

I am not going to say anything to him, taking all your opinions to heart.

OP posts:

lulumama · 21/10/2006 13:48

whether it is or it isn't , ariadne...you need to take a long term view on this and really think about the consequences of telling him..especially if it is to clear your conscience....

write it in a letter to him...and then burn it....! or tell someone in RL ...maybe the samaritans...just so it is out there and you can move on......

i honestly believe the ramifications of telling him will be far worse than what you are going through now.....

Spidermama · 21/10/2006 14:09

I'm sorry to swim against the tide here but I would tell him. I think the best chance at a fullfulling, wonderful marriage or relationship is total honesty.

My dh had affaires in the early days and even though he didn't tell me I knew on some level. Things weren't right between us. Perhaps his guilt affected his reactions to me. There are so many subtle signs and if you're living in different realities it's not a proper loving relationship.

I wanted to know. In fact I would go so far as to say I wouldn't be with my dh now had he not finally told me. Yes it hurt. Yes it took some recovering from, but I really believe my marriage is stronger as a result. We have a deeper trust, no guilt. We've gone that bit deeper with each other.

Spidermama · 21/10/2006 14:13

People (including the woman who he had the affaire with) accused him of telling me in order to clear his concience but I forced the info out of him. Just because the words aren't sai, it doesn't mean you didn't have the affair. The lie isn't only in the words spoken but in the deeds done and I agree that the lie is perpetuated the longer you don't tell him.

I realise I'm in the minority with this view but it's deeply held and co9mes with some experience. I've always been very fond of truth and have always hated lies and deception. They make for weak foundations and the cracks can be far reaching.

The Road Less Travelled is a good read on the subject.

maturer · 21/10/2006 14:16

Why do you want to tell him now? It's not to make him feel better it's for selfish raesons really...to make you feel better.
However as a victim of an affair which nearly tore my family apart and three years on still haunts me at times (even though we have made a go of it)in the circumstances you describe my advise is do not tell!

I think it's different if there is an ongoing relationship/ or something that has lasted a while but what would it bring to your realatinship for him to know? Believe me nothing positive, just distrust and anger and lots of pain. We all make mistakes in life, you did something you know was stupid and you are now suffering the guilt of it. If there are issues in your relationship tackle them but telling him now is not going to put anything right....you may lose him forever....you will certainly completely change the nature of your relationship.

My dh had an affair for a few months with a work colleague, he told me in the end as her dh found out and was on his way to enlighten me! It took him a long time to come to his senses and now he says he cannot believe how stupid he was, how he risked so much for so little. I think from what you are saying you recognise those feelings. I would not advocate secrets as they cause mistrust but I think the circumstances you describe are different and I'd suggest rather than unburdening yourself by telling him how about channelling your energies in to positive things with your dh to make your relatinship better. Good luck.

maturer · 21/10/2006 14:21

Just read Spidermamas comments and I'd agree whole heartidly if this were more than a one off night of stupidity or it were recent.

Secrets are not good for a marriage and in my circumstances I needed to know ALL despite the pain, but I feel in this situation you may end up making a mountain out of a mole hill.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 14:27

ariadne, I'm a little concerned about something that you have glossed over a little....

But first of all, no, dont tell him. I think you DO need to talk to someone though, about the small aspect that you have glossed over. You say you dont remember but you definitely know you did - how do you know? How do you feel about the encounter itself? Would you have done it if you were sober? Im thinking that this is the reason behind you wanting to talk to DH, because he is the one you talk to about everything - except you feel you have "betrayed" him. Am I barking up the wrong tree here?

Spidermama · 21/10/2006 14:28

Here's a quick point though ...

People have said, 'why tell just to assauge your own guilt?'.

Well, guilt, like any emotion, is there for a reason. It's there to guide your actions. People think emotions must be ignored in favour of reasoned intelligent thoughts. I disagree. Emotional well being is very important and we're still pretty crap at emotional intelligence and at giving our feelings credit.

We can't switch guilt off like a light and quash it with reason. It'll either come back or turn into something else, possibly something physical.

Good luck in whatever you decide ariadne.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 14:48

Exactly Spidermama - i DO think she needs to talk about it. But, not necessarily with her DH.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread