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Relationships

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Original poster

unfaithful - should I tell?

68 replies

ariadne · 21/10/2006 10:26

I was unfaithful to my husband 3 years ago. I don't remember it, I was drunk but I know it happened. I have never told him, tried to put it behind me. But the guilt nags at me and I am wondering if I should tell him?

I don't want to hurt him, but feel like I am living a lie - he doesn't love the real me.

OP posts:

maturer · 21/10/2006 14:50

I agree about your views on guilt and this is something she has to tackle...it won't just go away she has to find the reason for her "slip" in the first place to put her guilt demonds to rest.

However I'm thinking of her dh.....I KNOW the agony of finding out, the ripples that go on and on from it the sick feeling in you stomache every time you think about what your partner id. I would not wish it on my worst enemy and I feel to burden him with this for one stupid mistaken night is simply not fare on him.

Judy1234 · 21/10/2006 19:07

No way tell. That just relieves your guilt and burdens him. COmpletely unfair on him

Greensleeves · 21/10/2006 19:18

I agree with spidermama.

Blondilocks · 21/10/2006 19:47

I wouldn't tell him. I think it's worse to tell after so long.

The feeling of guilt must be hard, but I think that the aftermath of telling him would be much harder.

I had a fling with someone during a time when exOH & I had split up. We got back together & I stupidly didn't tell him for a year & I think he took it worse than if I'd told him closer to the event, even though I hadn't cheated on him - it was more the not telling him earlier on.

sasa15 · 21/10/2006 19:51

don't tell him

JennyLeEVIL · 21/10/2006 19:53

Never, ever tell and don't do it again , then it will be as if it never happened and then as years pass it will feel like it never happened ...so iv'e been told lol

Original poster

ariadne · 21/10/2006 20:13

Thanks to everyone who has replied since I was last on. What Spidermama said, about wanting total honesty in our relationship, is really where I am coming from in wondering if I should tell him. Not to make me feel better. But after all this time, that may make it worse than if I'd told him straight away.

VVV - Yes I was drunk and don't remember even going home with the guy, but unfortunately he was still there the next morning. DH was living abroad at the time. We lived apart for five years, very hard.

I have never told anyone else about this, ever, the only other person who knows is the guy involved and I doubt he remembers my name.

OP posts:

nooka · 21/10/2006 21:15

I agree a bit with Spidermama and a bit with maturer. If it is playing on your mind to the extent that you say it is, then you need to do something about it, otherwise it may well poison your relationship, or at least put it under stress, however telling your dh about it will inevitably cause him (and probably you) a great deal of pain and could open up a real can of worms, and that may be worse. I would recommend talking to a relationship councellor about it, to get advice on the best way for you to proceed, and also to see if you can unburden some of your feelings in a safe way first. It may well be that there is more to how you feel than just the one night stand, perhaps the stress of your five years apart is coming to bear (sometimes things can play on your mind a long time after things have been apparently resolved). If things haven't been great recently and you want to fix them, then it could be that you both should see someone together. The risk is that if this is on your mind, and you are under emotional stress then it might just come out anyway, probaly in the worst way possible (when you are feeling low, or in the middle of a row maybe). My dh had an affair (although nothing like yours - he had a what I think of as a mid-life crisis/reliving teenage love type affair), and it ripped apart what was a struggling relationship, and we have now called it a day - I wish we had done something more constructive a long time ago. Good luck however you take it forwards.

JennyLeEVIL · 21/10/2006 21:16

i think even then it would be better to be honest about everything from now on but to leave that incident out of it, the hurt it would cause would be worse than any honesty points

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/10/2006 22:11

ariadne - would you have slept with this guy had you been sober?

sandyy · 21/10/2006 22:21

no never

lulumama · 21/10/2006 22:23

there is nothing to be gained from telling him after 3 years..except more heartache and a possible divorce.....

WestCountryLass · 21/10/2006 23:33

Gosh, he does love the real you!

You made a mistake and you have to live with it but I see no reason why he has to live with it too, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Mell2tingPotofGooooooo · 22/10/2006 00:17

ariadne, the only thing you are guilty of is getting drunk. The man in question took advantage of you if you were that drunk.

Please don't let it eat you up. xxxx

expatinscotland · 22/10/2006 00:19

no, i wouldn't tell him. why make him pay for YOUR feelings of guilt? that's selfish. you make your bed, you lie in.

telling him would make you feel better, but what about him?

JennyLeEVIL · 22/10/2006 01:14

anyway that was not the real you that was the drunk you. I would never tell something like that

Pannfriedpumpkin · 22/10/2006 01:28

"anyway that was not the real you that was the drunk you."...Jenny?

err...v. basic misguided, damaging thinking???

Sooo..if I get drunk I am not accountable to myself or anyone else??

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/10/2006 01:46

Pann, you are treading on very thin ice here...am thinking I shouldnt have picked up on tht point....

Pannfriedpumpkin · 22/10/2006 02:07

I think the verb is "skating".....still...

lulumama · 22/10/2006 07:40

drunkenness is not an excuse - it's a reason for doing something you wouldn;t do when sober..still doesn't mean she should tell

i think the more relevant point is why , after 3 years ariadne feels she has to tell him now.....

and i still don't think she should...

DetentionGrrrl · 22/10/2006 07:45

The only reason you seem to want to come clean is to make yourself feel better- how would telling him make HIM feel? Assuming that you love him and have no intention of doing it again, i wouldn't say anything.

inmyopinion · 22/10/2006 08:17

i think that maybe if you had told him straight away you could have sorted things out but i wouldnt tell him now.my DP cheated on me shortly after we had got together but he told me straight away and i have since built my trust in him.If he had done it and told me now, i would never be able to trust him again and i think it would be alot lot worse.Like alot of people on here say, dont do it just because you want to offload your guilt.i personally think its too late to bring it up and should be laid to rest.thats if you want everything to carry on as before.If you want to take the risk that he may leave you, although he may stay and things could poss improve then go for it

lulumama · 22/10/2006 08:20

good point inmyopinion..

ariadne- if you tell him now...he might well think the last 3 years have been a lie and a deception and it might make it impossible to build bridges....he will probably go back over the last 3 years with a fine tooth-comb, examining everything..wondering what else you lied about....

Schokofruhstucksflockenhasseri · 22/10/2006 08:44

ariadne - agree with the others, let it lie and conquer your guilt as best you can. You will come to terms with it eventually (I think I read somewhere that it takes 10 years to come to terms with major emotional events. I have certainly found this to be true).

When I read your last post, I couldnt help wondering if you are the only one with a guilty secret in your relationship? (5 years spent apart is v difficult) If so, then your dh is obviously not telling (the right decision imo). I hope that doesnt make you feel worse. I only posted it, because I tend to get obsessed by guilty feelings, and forget about other people's side, and I wondered if you were the same.

The only circumstance where I would tell my dh after all this time, is if he knew the guy and saw him regularly, because obviously it would affect their relationship if one man knew something that the other one didnt.

The important thing is, that you said you cut down on drinking after this, and that it wouldnt happen again. You have grown and moved on.

Schokofruhstucksflockenhasseri · 22/10/2006 08:47

re-reading my last post, it could be misinterpreted, so if my ex h ever trawls MN and reads this, I would like to remind him that I gave up drinking (also for reasons of making a prat of myself) before I met him.

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