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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unfaithful - should I tell?

68 replies

ariadne · 21/10/2006 10:26

I was unfaithful to my husband 3 years ago. I don't remember it, I was drunk but I know it happened. I have never told him, tried to put it behind me. But the guilt nags at me and I am wondering if I should tell him?

I don't want to hurt him, but feel like I am living a lie - he doesn't love the real me.

OP posts:

JennyLeEVIL · 22/10/2006 13:32

she is accountable for it but would not have normally done it. he does know the real you

but she was drunk and made a mistake and I dont see why if she never does it again and no one ever tells she should hurt him and push the self destruct button - it was obviously meaningless, she can't hardly remember it so why not leave it? the guilt is hers to carry not her dp's. if she was a serial shagger, though i would feel differently as that involves making a fool of someone and can't be called just a one off mistake. its really a case of do i hurt my partner for a meaningless mistake or not? don't do it

JennyLeEVIL · 22/10/2006 13:33

anyway the real you is who he lives with together everyday and shres his life with , you are the real you , secrets or not

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/10/2006 18:32

I'm afraid i think you lot are far too harsh in judging someone based on what happened when she was drunk! The poor woman doesnt even know if she consented....perhaps she shouldnt have got so drunk, but hey ho - most of has been there!

Some folk might call that rape, you know....

Schokofruhstucksflockenhasseri · 22/10/2006 18:43

Im not being judgemental am I? I know I would feel much the same as ariadne describes if it was me.

Pannfriedpumpkin · 22/10/2006 20:09

VVV - not read judgements for being drunk as yet..only the notion that "it wasn't the REAL you"..what on earth does that mean......drunkeness may obrogate some things, but claiming it "wasn't me" ( as suggested by Jenny) is pretty silly.

Original poster

ariadne · 22/10/2006 21:19

Drunkeness definitely not an excuse, but I would NEVER have done it if sober.

I have decided not to tell him, and focus on the now. I was worried that I was keeping it from him out of cowardice, but getting outside points of you has made me think that it would be stupid to hurt over something so stupid that I don't even remember and would be far more hurtful to him that the event deserves, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/10/2006 21:30

Im not sure I follow this comment from you then....

"Sooo..if I get drunk I am not accountable to myself or anyone else??"

Pannfriedpumpkin · 22/10/2006 23:07

VVV - not sure, it turn, why you're confused??

I mean, 'being drunk is fine', but refusing accountability, as if it was someone else occupying your mind and body, is a little weak.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/10/2006 23:37

Well - it looks to me as though you are judging her. As i said before - judging and/or speculation on this is futile because unless ariadne remembers what happens, or admits that she does remember but lied....well, we will never know.

I'm afraid that I will always have a negative opinion on a man who will happily sleep with someone who is quite clearly drunk. WE have all heard of drinks being spiked etc.

Pannfriedpumpkin · 22/10/2006 23:43

No no no...I was suggesting Jenny's notion of "the real you" was misguided. Nothing to do with OP or being drunk in general or in this specific.....

Pannfriedpumpkin · 22/10/2006 23:43

Bit early for panto season??

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/10/2006 23:50

Are you drunk?

Pannfriedpumpkin · 23/10/2006 00:13

That's MY line when a poster is rambling non-sensically, hic! .....sho...juss...remeberrit...and and...why ish there two of you?....and shtop moving around sho much.....

DetentionGrrrl · 23/10/2006 06:36

I think the point is that being drunk can lower your inhibitions and reactions- yes, she was still 'her' while drunk, and it was wrong but she's obviously torn over it. Who here can honestly say that they have never done anything they regret while drunk? (Maybe not sexually, but generally)It's a bad episode in her life, that she should put behind her...and if she really needs to tell someone, i suggest a counsellor- who may help her understand if there was a reason for it too.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/10/2006 10:22

I think alcohol can lower your level of consciousness!

joelallie · 23/10/2006 10:31

Say nothing. It might make you feel better but it would probably damage your relationship permanently and hurt your partner.

I did the same a year after we were married. I am still horrified by what I did and can't understand what got into me. I was besotted by the other man and vice versa - I tried to convince myself that we were just very close friends but discovered that I was kidding myself. And I have never and will never tell my DH. Honesty is an overrated virtue in such circumstances IMO.

robin3 · 23/10/2006 10:37

Another vote for saying nothing. No good can come of it and the price you pay is the guilt unfortunately.

JennyLeEVIL · 23/10/2006 15:55

maybe the 'real you' concept is a daft one okay I give in

But she is doing the right thing now by both her and her husband by never ever telling him and trying to forget it ever happened.

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