When it comes to putting money down on our wedding, I find excuses not to. He speaks to me like shit and I dont think I want a lifetime of it

[TooGoodyTwoShoes]

Originally it was me that wanted to marry. We've been engaged a year and have saved up £1000 towards a wedding. We plan to save another £1000 and marry in may next year.

The thing is whenever it comes to actually laying down some of the money I find an excuse to "just leave it a bit longer" and I think it's because I'm not sure I want to marry him anymore. Furthermore, I'm thinking I need the money we have saved to leave him.

I don't know what has happened but all we seem to do is argue, he speaks to me like shit and doesn't take on board anything I say. Instead he talks over me, tells me I'm being silly/unreasonable punishes me with days of silent treatment.

Last week was a prime example. Basically he's supposed to be organising for his kids to come on the friday before valentines day instead of the usual saturday so we can spend valentines day alone with no kids (his kids are over the age of 18 so it's not like they're little ones that need routine.) He kept saying he'd "sort it". Thing is I needed to arrange work around this so needed certainty either way so I knew what to do about work.

Anyway after his kids left last sunday I said to him "are you going to tell them about that friday sooner rather than later so it's not all last minute?" (I said it nicer than it sounds here) and he exploded with

"I'VE TOLD THEM FOR FUCKS SAKE!! THEY KNOW ALRIGHT!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE IVE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE BANG ON ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE YOU DO!! JUST FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!!" I replied that most normal people would have let me know if it had been arranged, especially as he knew I was waiting to hear about it and so he snapped "RIGHT THAT'S IT, YOU'VE PISSED ME OFF, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU NOW!"

"I'm not talking to you" ???? isn't that what kids say? and he didn't talk to me for the following two days. It's ridiculous. Adults don't talk to each other like that surely?

What was wrong with a simple "yeah I've sorted it, meant to tell you earlier".

Or even if I HAD pissed him off wouldn't a more normal reaction be something like "I've sorted it but to be honest i'm getting a bit fed up of you mentioning it."

Why all the abuse and nastyness? tell me it's not normal, please ?

Not normal, no

Not your fault either.

He sounds like a knob, take your money and run! Seriously. Why on earth would you want to marry someone who treats you like shit?

It's not normal no so get away while you can. Find someone who will treat you with respect.

Not normal at all. At least he is showing his true colours now, rather than after you married him.

Don't marry him if you're not 100% sure. Sounds like an arse to this outsider.

Punishing you with silence? My XH used to do this, one day I realised I totally understood what "deafening silence" meant. Its emotional abuse and its horrible.

Not normal. Better to use the money to leave thN to get martied and divorce.

No it's not normal and I can't imagine a good reason for committing to spending the rest of your life with someone who treats you like this.

The only reason you need to not marry someone, is that you do not want to marry them.

You don't need anyone else to confirm that he is bad enough to leave. If you are not happy and don't want to marry him, then you are not happy and do not have to marry him.

Please don't marry a man who makes you unhappy and who you feel uneasy about marrying. Listen to your own gut.

(for the record, he sounds awful.)

Don't marry him. You don't want a lifetime of this and it will only get worse. Trust your instincts, they're there for a reason...

If I'd said the same thing to DH he would have said "Oh shit yeah sorry I forgot to tell you it's all sorted." And that would be the end of it.

There is no need for that sort of behaviour. If you marry him, you'll be signing up for it indefinitely.

Don't bother. Take the money you have and get away.

My husband would never, ever speak to me like that and I would never have married him if he had.

You don't deserve this and are not to blame. You are entitled to respect and to a partner who will treat you as an equal.

I don't reckon anyone should get married... I don't think its actually healthy/normal to live with the same person 24/7 for the rest of your life. I think the world has changed and people, especially women, are a lot different now than to 30+ years ago when we all used to stay at home and bring up babies! But that's a whole new discussion! Lol

thanks guys. See I keep thinking to myself "is it me? do I nag him? am I annoying?" but I'd NEVER explode at someone like that, no matter how much they'd nagged. I'd maybe say something like "yeah I sorted it, can we maybe drop it now though?!" and that's as arsy as I'd ever get. I'd never start ffing and blinding at someone for something as daft as wanting confirmation of plans.

I've noticed he always seems to engineer an argument when he knows I need it the least too. The night of this example was the night before my new job started. Other times he's done it after the impending death of a relative, the funeral of said relative, the diagnosis of cancer in another relative and the night before degree level exams.

Is he a fair bit older than you? How many failed LTRs?

All irrelevant really I suppose because right now you need to be running for the hills.

he's 9 years older than me. One failed LTR.

I've noticed he always seems to engineer an argument when he knows I need it the least too. The night of this example was the night before my new job started. Other times he's done it after the impending death of a relative, the funeral of said relative, the diagnosis of cancer in another relative and the night before degree level exams.

This is sabotage, setting you up to fail so he can feel better about himself, pathetic wanker (him, not you!)

I suspect he was attracted to you as a strong, intelligent hard working woman and now feels threatened by exactly those things so is trying to take you down a peg or two to prove he is the big man. Its very common sadly. I swear there must be a book somewhere that advises abusive men "Take a strong woman, break her utterly and then sit back safe in the knowledge of a job well done, and a life of her running around keeping you happy."

Get out ASAP, this will get worse and worse and worse.

You really shouldn't feel you need a reason not to marry someone. Do you think maybe it'll get better once you prove how much you care by committing to him in front of witnesses? It doesn't work that way. Someone who treats you like a piece of dirt when you're in a position to just walk away is hardly going to start behaving decently once they've got you legally trapped. Quite the reverse.

Nice brisk one here - if I can see you through the forest of red flags - where have you gone OP? Oh there you are!

I'm not sure I want to marry him anymore. Furthermore, I'm thinking I need the money we have saved to leave him.

I don't know what has happened but all we seem to do is argue, he speaks to me like shit and doesn't take on board anything I say. Instead he talks over me, tells me I'm being silly/unreasonable punishes me with days of silent treatment.

Yes. You do. Need to leave, and use your money to do so if necessary.

Oh, and it's not 'we' argue, is it? It's him goading, insulting, basically - as you say - speaking to you as if you are a piece of shit.

No, you don't want a lifetime of it, who would? Make plans and leave asap. Don't even bother to pick it over any further than that. You are 100% right, now put your energy into planning and going. Some tips:

• don't tell him until you're ready to go. You'll just get slowed down by the barrages of abuse/pleading/argument, and for what? He's not going to change. Also, it could even be dangerous.

• get valuables, real valuables and sentimental stuff, out of the house before you actually go. Nasty pricks tend to rip up photos and pour water on laptops when they realise you're really going, that's if they're not too busy smacking you one.

• have a friend there when you tell him, unless you plan to get your stuff out and go while he's at work or something.

Good luck, and well done on seeing what's on the horizon.

Why are you even thinking of marrying him?

If he's having sweary, explosive outbursts like this before you're married and for such a petty reason it doesn't take much to imagine his response when you are married and have actually done something wrong/foolish. Another one in the "Take your Money and Run" camp, here.

Do not marry this man OP: it will be a gross error of judgment on your part if you do. You're having doubts already. This relationship is really over now.

This man has many, many red flags about him not least of all his engineering of an argument setting you up to fail. Its a test you cannot pass. There are reasons why his last relationship failed; he likely acted the self same towards her too.

Such men also like supposedly strong women so they can break them down utterly. Also such men hate women, ALL of them.

Sorry but I agree with others.
You need out of this as quickly as possible.
Do you live/own a house together?
Do you have your own property?
Are you financially tied to this man?
Start thinking about what you need in place to get away from him.
Or you'll be putting up with this shit for next 10. 20 or 30+ years!

Get yourself a better future that you are looking forward to.

Dump him now. You in 10 years will thank the You of 2015 massively.

Please use your £1000 to leave him.
Just do not even consider marrying him.

I can't add anything to what's already been said, other than another vote for LTB. He sounds awful, so definitely don't marry him.

Erm...do you really need us to tell you that you are living with an abuser?

Take your £1000 and spend it on a deposit for a place of your own and get away from this man as soon as you can. Please do not marry him.