When it comes to putting money down on our wedding, I find excuses not to. He speaks to me like shit and I dont think I want a lifetime of it

[TooGoodyTwoShoes]

Originally it was me that wanted to marry. We've been engaged a year and have saved up £1000 towards a wedding. We plan to save another £1000 and marry in may next year.

The thing is whenever it comes to actually laying down some of the money I find an excuse to "just leave it a bit longer" and I think it's because I'm not sure I want to marry him anymore. Furthermore, I'm thinking I need the money we have saved to leave him.

I don't know what has happened but all we seem to do is argue, he speaks to me like shit and doesn't take on board anything I say. Instead he talks over me, tells me I'm being silly/unreasonable punishes me with days of silent treatment.

Last week was a prime example. Basically he's supposed to be organising for his kids to come on the friday before valentines day instead of the usual saturday so we can spend valentines day alone with no kids (his kids are over the age of 18 so it's not like they're little ones that need routine.) He kept saying he'd "sort it". Thing is I needed to arrange work around this so needed certainty either way so I knew what to do about work.

Anyway after his kids left last sunday I said to him "are you going to tell them about that friday sooner rather than later so it's not all last minute?" (I said it nicer than it sounds here) and he exploded with

"I'VE TOLD THEM FOR FUCKS SAKE!! THEY KNOW ALRIGHT!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE IVE NEVER KNOWN ANYONE BANG ON ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE YOU DO!! JUST FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!!" I replied that most normal people would have let me know if it had been arranged, especially as he knew I was waiting to hear about it and so he snapped "RIGHT THAT'S IT, YOU'VE PISSED ME OFF, I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU NOW!"

"I'm not talking to you" ???? isn't that what kids say? and he didn't talk to me for the following two days. It's ridiculous. Adults don't talk to each other like that surely?

What was wrong with a simple "yeah I've sorted it, meant to tell you earlier".

Or even if I HAD pissed him off wouldn't a more normal reaction be something like "I've sorted it but to be honest i'm getting a bit fed up of you mentioning it."

Why all the abuse and nastyness? tell me it's not normal, please ?

LTB.

No two ways about it. He has no respect for you at all, and it's downhill from here.

I'm sorry.

Don't get married, I don't say it lightly, but in the big scheme of things this argument is over a trivial thing. There are big stresses and upsets in life and if he reacts like this and then gives you the 'silent treatment' for 2 days imagine a real problem.

It sounds like this is just an example of how he behaves with you.

I sincerely hope the guy is shortly with two failed LTR's behind him.

Get the heck out. You'll be walking on eggshells before you know it, afraid to say anything he doesn't like and then you'll find that your achievements somehow become less, because he's sabotaged them.

You know the answer to this yourself; it's there in the title and it screams from every line in your posts.

Believe in yourself here, you deserve SO much better.

Trust your gut. He is an abuser. What previous posters have said about some men getting a kick out of systematically dismantling the self esteem of strong women is true.

Please get out now.

I assume no DCs together?

Then it sounds very much like you've made your mind up, so you just have to get on with it. I'd start with sorting somewhere else to live first, getting yourself all sorted before you tell him it's over.

Good luck! You are clearly doing the right thing.

That's awful, what a way to speak to anyone, no it's not you, it's all HIM.

Don't marry him for god's sake, not unless he totally changes his attitude, I'm afraid all the signs are there that this has reached and gone beyond it's use by date.

Thanks everyone.

We have no DCs together thankfully. The house is his (even though we both pay the mortgage but that's another thread entirely). I'd have no legal right to the money I have invested in this house so I've already given up with that. The money we have saved for the wedding though is in a savings account in my name so I'm assuming that legally, he has no legal right to that if I decide to take it all (I wouldn't normally screw someone over but considering I have paid so much towards HIS house that I'll never see back, I see it fair).

I am financially independent so money is not an issue. I'd just rent for a while until I could get a deposit together to buy.

I already feel myself detaching. I think the last 'row' over valentines day was the one that broke the camels back.

Why have you been at all part paying a mortgage on a house that is solely in his name?!. That was frankly daft on your part to even agree to doing such a thing. Never do so again. And yes you are correct, that particular tranche of money is gone now.

The money in your name is not and you need to use that to get out of this relationship with Mr Loser.

yep, money in your name is yours, start looking for somewhere for yourself this weekend. It's odd how often the thing that makes you go "nope, not anymore" in itself doesn't seem any worse than the shit you've put up with in the past, but somehow this time it hit home. .

I walked away from a ten year friendship after my friend sent me to Coventry to punish me for not giving her what she wanted. I certainly wouldn't marry someone who behaved in such an emotionally controlling way.

So much of what you have written. OP, could have been written by me. SO many bells, so many flags.

I've recently N/C as (thankfully now) ExP stalked me on here and took the piss out of my posts in Relationships detailing his behaviour and my distress.

^This is sabotage, setting you up to fail so he can feel better about himself, pathetic wanker (him, not you!)

I agree with the advice already given here, but this advice struck a massive chord with me. Listen to it, and listen to your gut. I didn't, and I wasted SO many unhappy years.

I suspect he was attracted to you as a strong, intelligent hard working woman and now feels threatened by exactly those things so is trying to take you down a peg or two to prove he is the big man. Its very common sadly. I swear there must be a book somewhere that advises abusive men "Take a strong woman, break her utterly and then sit back safe in the knowledge of a job well done, and a life of her running around keeping you happy." a^

I wouldn't want to spend Valentine's day with this knob let alone the rest of my life.

It would be brilliant if you could move out on Valentine's Day.

You need to get out of there.
But I think you know this.

In a really strange way I'm so pleased for you OP. So pleased that you've had the sense and clarity to see this before getting married. So glad that you don't see marriage as such a prize/life goal that you would put up with anything to achieve it. So glad that you have enough self worth to recognise that you don't deserve to be treated like this, and this is not how it should be!

You are free to go, time for a fresh start. You may find that 2015 will be your best year yet!!

I also think it would be amazing if you moved out on Valentines Day; but actually, just do it asap! What an abusive idiot he is

Don't marry him. Don't pay the mortgage anymore. Things won't change for the better, but def for the worse.

If you do decide to stay with him get something legally sorted re your right to house asap.

OP, you said upthread something like, 'Is it me, am I unpleasant and a nag?' Even if you were (and you sound intelligent and stable) it's for him to talk to you like an adult about these traits and how to overcome them together (in view of the fact you are planning to marry) not scream and bellow like the prize twat he so obviously is! You are not unpleasant or a nag, he is a total turd but luckily not intelligent enough to hide his twattish turditude until after the nuptials. Hello new, away from turdtwat you! Welcome to planet normal! Take the money. If he questions it, tell him it will compensate for the mortgage payments you have stumped up, block and.....breathe......and have a happy life.

You've got many things on your side OP.

You've realised he's an abusive arsehole. You've realised this before getting married. You don't have any kids together. You've got a sum of money that can be used to set yourself up in your own home. You are progressing in what sounds like a promising career.

Take advantage of these things. They are there for you to make a good life for yourself with someone who will treat you with respect and love. Exchanging them for life with this arsehole would be a crying shame.

Might be worth going to a solicitor about the money you have paid into the mortgage. I think you do have some claim- beneficial interest in the property or something like that. CAB could help. Might be worth checking out before you just wave goodbye to your hard earned money.

These twats who go silent on you really need you to move out while they are not speaking to you so they are forced to either a) ask you what's going on or b) never know where you've gone to.

If taking the £1000 feels wrong to you (although it shouldn't, he's stiffed you on the mortgage for long enough) then take whatever you put in, or half, whatever feels right. Freedom is priceless.

What a complete cock.

Take the money and run. Make sure you arrange a night out on V day with a single girlfriend and enjoy your night xx

Run, don't walk!

Sometimes you just need to write things down to see them more clearly.

Well done for recognising that he is so abusive.