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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure why I'm upset

57 replies

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 20:09

I've posted a bit about DH before, and how his life seems to revolve around his parents and sisters. I think i find them threatening or something; I'm not really sure. I've no wish to take him away from them or anything, but just wish our lives didn't revolve around them so much.

Anyway, currently I'm feeling kind of upset after a conversation with DH - just need to write it down to figure it out in my own mind. So, here it is!

We have a 6mo DS; I've waited for years to have children, having always wanted them. I love being with him, don't find it hard work or anything like that - just love every moment with him (I know this will probably change as he gets older, but for now I just cherish every minute, if that doesn't sound to revolting!). He is breast fed, but now being weaned onto solids. Obviously I haven't really been able to leave him for any length of time up to now.

Currently DH goes to his parents' house one night a week for dinner, and then another night a week all three of us go. When we got married at first he went 3 nights a week, plus all day Sunday, but I asked him to stop going every Sunday (by the time we did housework etc on Saturdays there was no time to do anything, so I felt we needed Sundays so we could actually do stuff as a couple). So then it was 3 nights a week. He recently stopped going on Fridays (used to go because they got take-away that night, but then his youngest sister went away for a year, so now he doesn't bother - I'm not sure whether he plans to resume going once she's back, but I imagine he does). Once DS was born, DS and I started going with him one night a week (I never really agreed to this, I now realise; he just sort of asked each week until it became assumed).

We also go there for lots of special occasions (Pancake Day, birthdays etc). All the siblings are teachers, so they all get the same holidays, and spend a lot of time together then too.

All of this is basically nonnegotiable. I don't mind it up to a point; I get on ok with them all, but to be honest we don't have much in common and I find it a strain after a while. I get annoyed that time with his sisters seems to be DH's priority; if we're making plans, they have to fit around what he does with his sisters, and if he makes appointments (dentist etc) then this are always on days when he's not going to his parents' - he will sacrifice time with me, but not them.

So I guess some resentment has built up. As I say, I don't want him to stop seeing them, just I think I should maybe get priority sometimes.

Anyway, now that DS is going onto solids, DH wants to start taking him with him to his parents' house on the other evening that he goes each week. This has upset me, and I'm not sure why. I think it's partly that he tried to say it was for my benefit, to give me a rest (he has never really concerned himself with me needing a rest at any other time, even when I've been exhausted and he's insisted on me coming on some random putting with his sisters). I don't need DS to go away for me to get a rest - as I say, I enjoy time with him. Yes, from time to time it would be nice, but not every week. It's also that DH's life seems to revolve around his parents and sisters, and I don't want to lose DS to them too. I've no objection to it happening from time to time, just not a set-in-stone every week thing.

DH said I was being controlling and precious and DS is his son too, and I know that's true. I feel like I'm being really mean. I tried to explain to DH why it would upset me, but he didn't really seem to be interested. He can be very pushy and stubborn (the first time we talked about this, he huffed for a couple of days). I just feel upset by it and feel like I've been sidelined and my opinion doesn't matter.

Sometimes it feels like he only married me so he'd have someone to take to family events, and now he has DS to show off I don't even matter that much.

I also have a history of severe depression, and anxiety (which is often triggered by the pressure put on me to attend family things).

Please help me to find some perspective on this!

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 20:10

Wow, that was long - sorry!

OP posts:

Ilovemybedbaby · 04/02/2015 20:16

Hmm think I would be abit miffed to tbh, are u not invited the day he wants to take your ds?

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 20:22

Yes, I could go too if I wanted, I just don't really want to go 2 evenings per week. As I said, my in-laws are fine, but I don't have a lot on common with them and would rather just spend time with DH.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 04/02/2015 20:28

They seem like a very, very close family. I don't know of any other people who live this way but I don't suppose it is wrong either.

I think that ideally it would be great for your dh if you went along with him every time but you don't want to do that right? And I can see he isn't kicking up a fuss about it either which is another plus point.

I do think it is only fair that you let him take your son along to some of these visits because regardless of whether your getting a break or not he wants to take his son along so he can develop positive family relationships and I think that sort of thing should be encouraged as it benefits the child. And you genuinely will get a break.

Ilovemybedbaby · 04/02/2015 20:29

It's nice that they all get on so well, but I agree he should be making more family time for u and ds. How old are u both?

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 20:31

He won't kick up a fuss, but he'll huff! I don't mind him sometimes taking DS, but it's just a lot for it to be set in stone every single week. It's 2 evenings a week when we can't plan anything else.

We're mid-30s.

OP posts:

RaisingMen · 04/02/2015 20:32

No you're not being unreasonable. If he wants to spend an extra evening at his in laws that's up to him, but you don't have to go along with it if you don't want too.

I really don't like when people say they are taking your DC to give you a break - if you want a break from your DS im sure you will ask. Yes, DH's family are important, but so is your own little family. I would say that you enjoy the time with your DS and he will be staying at home with you while DH goes to his parents.

bobinks · 04/02/2015 20:39

It is such a personal thing, I think you have to try and work it out with your DH - can you compromise and do two evenings a week perhaps every other week or once a month? I would love my parents/sister to be able to have more involvement in my DS life on a weekly basis but they are too far away, and my DHs parents are both now dead. I remember weekly sleepovers without my parent's at my granny's with great fondness when I was little, so its not just about you as a mum (and you sound like a brilliant one) but also your son's relationship with his wider family too. Give it a try - as he grows up to toddlerdom and beyond he will be great fun for you all and give you and your DHs family something in common to treasure .

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 20:53

RaisingMen, I think that's part of the annoyance, the claim that it's to give me a break! Don't get me wrong, he's generally great with DS, will spend time playing with him when he gets in from work. He does plenty round the house etc. It's just that this is something HE wants to do, and I wish he wouldn't try to pretend it's for my benefit!

OP posts:

mollypollly · 04/02/2015 20:53

My first reaction on reading you post was that this is a bizarrely intense relationship-and one that would certainly annoy me too. So I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable to feel put out by it all.

However I can also now see the POV of other posters who think it's quite nice to have a close knit family/that this will benefit your son too if he can be involved...

Is there anything you can do to make the time you spend with them more enjoyable? Sometimes if I don't want to go somewhere, I have almost made up my mind to have a crap time even before I am, iyswim...could it be a little bit of that?!

Quitelikely · 04/02/2015 20:56

But OP you do what you want with your son every day surely his father can have him for a few hours and make a choice where to take him.

In the nicest possible way I think your a tad jealous. It's causing no harm whatsoever to let your ds go there. It's just you being a little selfish, it's ok but I think you need to realise it and manage it.

Good luck.

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 20:56

bobinks, thanks. That's a helpful way to look at it. I've said maybe to every other week... I would like it to be flexible though, especially as DS is still young and some days it will get to early evening and he really just needs to be in bed, or he just wants to cuddle up. DH tends to expect things to carry on regardless, generally!

OP posts:

Hassled · 04/02/2015 20:58

I don't think you need to find perspective - I think you have a very accurate understanding of what's going on. He prioritises his family over you - and has no desire or incentive to change. I'd be hacked off too, in your shoes.

Let him huff. If you don't want your DS there every week that's absolutely fair enough. Stick to your guns because while you sound sensible and reasonable, your DH really doesn't - that level of co-dependency on his family from a man in his 30s is just not the norm.

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 21:00

Quitelikely, I think you're right that there is a bit of jealousy. I do feel that DH is more interested in the relationship with his parents and sisters than in his relationship with me - I feel like an add-on half the time. I would be happier if he was taking him somewhere else, I think, like swimming or something... I think I just feel that DS will end up preferring my in-laws as well.

OP posts:

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 04/02/2015 21:02

Have you posted before, involving a trip to the seaside where you ended up sitting in the car for 2 hours?

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 21:03

Thanks mollypolly and Hassled. I would like DS to have a great relationship with DH's side of the family, as I think it's important. I do want to make sure it's healthy, though. They do have a dynamic that I find odd, and I don't want DS to be made to feel he has to act in a certain way or whatever in order to be accepted.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 21:03

Yes, Edges, that was me!

OP posts:

cakepopbakeshop · 04/02/2015 21:04

Is there any compromise solution like you all going out somewhere on one of those evenings e.g. to a softplay centre, a cafe or some neutral ground?

Liara · 04/02/2015 21:05

Your dh has benefitted from having a lovely, close knit family.

Now he wants his ds to benefit from this too.

In the nicest possible way, you are actually being very obstructive here, and more than a little bit controlling.

He has already reduced his contact loads because you wanted him to. You have said yourself that there is nothing wrong with them, just that you don't like them that much.

Fair enough. He isn't really imposing them that much. He is trying to include you in his family and make you feel welcome, and he is also giving you the option to stay behind if you would rather.

Sounds like there is no way he can please you and maintain his relationship with his family.

I really hope my dc don't marry someone like that.

cakepopbakeshop · 04/02/2015 21:05

What is odd about the dynamic?

pocketsaviour · 04/02/2015 21:10

I have to say I don't think seeing your family twice a week is excessive, if you have a close relationship and live nearby. I am guessing he is the oldest, and your DS is the first grandchild? So his parents are probably very keen to see DS and make a fuss of him as much as possible.

You said that he used to go over there 4 times a week, so he has certainly cut back on his visits, presumably because you've asked him to. It sounds like he's trying to meet you half way, and I don't think it's fair for you to ask him to never take DS there on his own. However, if you feel once a week is too much then there's nothing wrong with saying "every so often" depending on what the day's been like for you and DS.

At the end of the day though, you know these people and we don't. If you feel there is something unhealthy about their dynamic, then you are probably going to have to talk to your DH about it if you want him on side.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2015 21:14

We're a close-knit family and I see lots of my DCs and DGCs but not to this extent. And it's not set in stone.

He is trying to include you in his family and make you feel welcome, and he is also giving you the option to stay behind if you would rather.

No. He is wanting to do what he wants to do and the OP can either go along with it or not. There is no discussion, no other options and I think his priorities are wrong.

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 21:14

The odd dynamic is mostly that they all seem to be very concerned for what their parents want. They're all kind of encouraged/expected to toe the line, do the same things, think in the same way etc. It feels a bit stifling to me.

OP posts:

cakepopbakeshop · 04/02/2015 21:17

Tricky, then OP. It might be better to go along and actively dissent to things you don't agree to, put across your own opinions etc. than just relinquish your DS to an environment you're not totally happy with. But i realize if DP then sticks up for his parents (opinions / habits etc.) over yours, that is going to cause conflict, but it might at least help you and your DP to thrash out those issues between you (privately later if poss) rather than just handing over your DS to it all.

Original poster

WhyNotSmile · 04/02/2015 21:18

I do feel welcome in his family; they've always been nice to me. He's the middle child; DS is GC4. I would like him to take DS sometimes, just not religiously every single week, especially when we already have that arrangement one night a week!

OP posts:

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