Not sure why I'm upset

[WhyNotSmile]

I've posted a bit about DH before, and how his life seems to revolve around his parents and sisters. I think i find them threatening or something; I'm not really sure. I've no wish to take him away from them or anything, but just wish our lives didn't revolve around them so much.

Anyway, currently I'm feeling kind of upset after a conversation with DH - just need to write it down to figure it out in my own mind. So, here it is!

We have a 6mo DS; I've waited for years to have children, having always wanted them. I love being with him, don't find it hard work or anything like that - just love every moment with him (I know this will probably change as he gets older, but for now I just cherish every minute, if that doesn't sound to revolting!). He is breast fed, but now being weaned onto solids. Obviously I haven't really been able to leave him for any length of time up to now.

Currently DH goes to his parents' house one night a week for dinner, and then another night a week all three of us go. When we got married at first he went 3 nights a week, plus all day Sunday, but I asked him to stop going every Sunday (by the time we did housework etc on Saturdays there was no time to do anything, so I felt we needed Sundays so we could actually do stuff as a couple). So then it was 3 nights a week. He recently stopped going on Fridays (used to go because they got take-away that night, but then his youngest sister went away for a year, so now he doesn't bother - I'm not sure whether he plans to resume going once she's back, but I imagine he does). Once DS was born, DS and I started going with him one night a week (I never really agreed to this, I now realise; he just sort of asked each week until it became assumed).

We also go there for lots of special occasions (Pancake Day, birthdays etc). All the siblings are teachers, so they all get the same holidays, and spend a lot of time together then too.

All of this is basically nonnegotiable. I don't mind it up to a point; I get on ok with them all, but to be honest we don't have much in common and I find it a strain after a while. I get annoyed that time with his sisters seems to be DH's priority; if we're making plans, they have to fit around what he does with his sisters, and if he makes appointments (dentist etc) then this are always on days when he's not going to his parents' - he will sacrifice time with me, but not them.

So I guess some resentment has built up. As I say, I don't want him to stop seeing them, just I think I should maybe get priority sometimes.

Anyway, now that DS is going onto solids, DH wants to start taking him with him to his parents' house on the other evening that he goes each week. This has upset me, and I'm not sure why. I think it's partly that he tried to say it was for my benefit, to give me a rest (he has never really concerned himself with me needing a rest at any other time, even when I've been exhausted and he's insisted on me coming on some random putting with his sisters). I don't need DS to go away for me to get a rest - as I say, I enjoy time with him. Yes, from time to time it would be nice, but not every week. It's also that DH's life seems to revolve around his parents and sisters, and I don't want to lose DS to them too. I've no objection to it happening from time to time, just not a set-in-stone every week thing.

DH said I was being controlling and precious and DS is his son too, and I know that's true. I feel like I'm being really mean. I tried to explain to DH why it would upset me, but he didn't really seem to be interested. He can be very pushy and stubborn (the first time we talked about this, he huffed for a couple of days). I just feel upset by it and feel like I've been sidelined and my opinion doesn't matter.

Sometimes it feels like he only married me so he'd have someone to take to family events, and now he has DS to show off I don't even matter that much.

I also have a history of severe depression, and anxiety (which is often triggered by the pressure put on me to attend family things).

Please help me to find some perspective on this!

In terms of time, it doesn't really seem very much. Two times per week isn't that much. But if you have other reservations I can see why it might seem a lot.

Do you go out yourself with friends? Do you and DH go out together regularly without family?

What entertainment do you do with your friends, family, hobbies etc?

He he, I do state my opinions, sometimes much to DHs concern! I think they think I'm a bit of a weird hippy with some of my ideas on things..!

I do things with friends during the day sometimes - maybe once or twice a week, usually just going for coffee. I was never a big fan of going out in the evenings anyway, though I would have done so a bit more before I got married. DH and I don't go out a lot during the week, but sometimes at the weekend we'll do something. I would say more than half of the time when we go out, it's with his family, though.

Obviously DH doesn't have the option of doing things during the day, as he's at work. He doesn't really have a lot of friends anyhow; he would say that his sisters are his best friends and he just wants to do stuff with them.

I don't think OP is being controlling here. I think the family that assume that everybody must toe the line to what the patriarch and matriarch want, is.

Incidentally, DH claims that part of why he wants to take DS is that he had such a great childhood and really enjoyed it, and he wants DS to have the same. The issue I have with that is that DH's childhood war great because he spent time with his parents and siblings; he's trying to recreate it by making DS spend time with grandparents and cousins, which I think is a bit different. It's like DH has this set idea of what a good childhood is, and just wants to insert DS into the existing set-up.

I want DS to see his wider family, of course, but I think that primarily we need to do things as our own little family first and foremost. As time for on, of course the wider family will also be involved, but they shouldn't be driving everything at this stage, IMO.

I agree with you, if your DH defers to his family about everything then I would think it feels more like you are an extension of his family unit (him, parents, siblings, your ds ....and then you tagging along in the background going along with what everyone else wants).

I think the problem you have is not how much time he spends with his family as such-I think its that he places his birth family above YOUR family unit.

If he huffs he doesn't give you a choice nor is he being reasonable. Reasonable is saying 'oh mum invited us round for dinner on Friday night do you fancy it?'
And you being able to say 'nah don't fancy it then was hoping to spend time with you' then reaching a compromise with out him huffing because your not doing as he and his family want.

**Incidentally, DH claims that part of why he wants to take DS is that he had such a great childhood and really enjoyed it, and he wants DS to have the same. The issue I have with that is that DH's childhood war great because he spent time with his parents and siblings; he's trying to recreate it by making DS spend time with grandparents and cousins, which I think is a bit different. It's like DH has this set idea of what a good childhood is, and just wants to insert DS into the existing set-up.

I want DS to see his wider family, of course, but I think that primarily we need to do things as our own little family first and foremost. As time for on, of course the wider family will also be involved, but they shouldn't be driving everything at this stage, IMO.**

Have you ever told him this? There is a time and place for extended families in everyone's lives, but it shouldn't be to the extent that one or more of the family feels oppressed and stifled and he should be seeing your view on this.

Thanks, TikiTigress. I think I would actually end up there just as much if it was "optional", but I'd be in a better mood about it and not feel stifled! But he doesn't really give the choice because he thinks I'll say no. I mean, I generally could refuse to go any time, I guess, but it's just that it seems to create so much hassle that it's easier to go.

I'm trying to figure out how to explain to him what I said there, that I feel our little family should come first and then extended family after that. He gets quite defensive, though, when I bring it up.

I'd also like him to understand that with a small baby I do sometimes need rest. The seaside trip referred to earlier was at New Year, when DS hadn't been sleeping, and I was absolutely exhausted. I still had to go on the family trip to the seaside, though, and he just said I could also in the car. When we got there it was too wet and windy to take DS out, so I had to wait in the car while they all had their fun. What I really needed (but was too tired to realise/articulate, especially when he was acting like it was unreasonable of me to not want to come) was a few hours of proper rest in bed, not trying to nap in the car, having to breastfeed in a cold car park etc.

This would feel really suffocating to me and I would move faraway from them.

It's like DH has this set idea of what a good childhood is, and just wants to insert DS into the existing set-up

Tell him you think it is lovely he had such a good childhood. Ask him what he thinks makes a good childhood. Maybe he will realise that you two need to create your own traditions.

You need to sit and assert your boundaries to him, it's actually really controlling what he is doing to you. He should be checking with you before agreeing anything with them for the three of you as a bare minimum.

I had similar happen to me after my dd was born, it came to a head when we had to travel away for a wedding, and I tagged on a slight detour to visit a friend for the evening on the day after it. It was dp's family member got married so when it came to evening I thought nothing of taking children back to hotel and left him to enjoy his time with his family (in particular his brother).

The next day he stood and watched me saying bye to his bro, and the children waving bye without saying a word about the fact he and his brother had invited him to come to visit our friend with is.....in fact the first i knew was when I answered the phone to b whilst dp was in services. I went ballistic, I had put up with him being invited on day trips constantly, to stay out ours for days on end without the courtesy of asking me-alsorts but this was the straw (that broke the back). I packed mine and the children's bags when we got home...he begged me to stay, maintained he couldn't see what he'd done wrong. After a few hours of me spelling it out to him he finally got it. I told him nothing got arranged without him having the courtesy to ask me from then on. It got a lot worse for us as it turned out it was his b expecting to be included in everything and dp 'couldn't' say no as b kicked off everytime he did (I feel like I've lost my brother etc). But the main thing is I put my boundaries in place and I made sure they were respected despite the fireworks. There is no way I would have done that at new year, takes the piss.

How about sitting him down and saying something along lines of;
'DH I like your family and I enjoy spending time with them, I appreciate how they make me feel welcome and as part of the family and I like that you want to create happy memories for us all.

That said I am struggling with your lack of regard to mine and DS's wants and needs when it comes to arranging things with them. New year was a prime example of this and I'm hurt and upset by the way I was coerced by you to come on a day trip that I had explained I didn't want to come on due to being tired and wanting to rest at home for you to then leave me in the cold car by myself looking after ds whilst you went off to have fun with your family. It wasn't a fun trip for me, It made me feel insignificant and low in your list of priorities it was no fun for me or ds and your lack of regard for us that day really hurt. You placed you not wanting to disappoint your family over mine and DS's needs.

I feel like you treat me and ds as an extension to you, not listening to my thoughts views and wants and whether it is intentional or not every time I say I'm not up for visiting you go quiet and moody with me which makes me feel like I can't say no for fear of causing an argument and I don't want to live like that as I'm starting to feel stifled and resentful of the situations.

I wouldn't do that to you and I want you to stop doing it to me. I'm you wife-I have a voice and I have the right to co-decide with you how we spend our time as a family.

*no way I'd have been made to do what you did at new year.

Sorry message a bit rushed as trying to juggle getting everyone ready.

I get it....and I don't.

Having come from a very dysfunctional family where we are all pretty much nc (well, I have just started speaking to p's after 6 years but still don't speak to older brother) I found it odd how my dp would speak to his dm on the phone. Every. Single. Day. Without fail. And then he would go for tea at least once a week. It used to make me feel uncomfortable as I was used to the bare minimum of contact with my family.

As our relationship progressed I started to embrace it as I realised it was actually lovely to have strong, solid relationships- something I had never had before. When my ds was born things carried on in the same vain and it hasn't bothered me.

I have tbh here, you sound somewhat overly possessive of your ds. I note in a reply made upthread by you that you want dh to 'understand that, with a young baby, you do need some rest'. Well it seems you only want the rest if it is done on your terms, and doesn't involve PIL, I find that a bit controlling.

As you say, dh works during the day so doesn't have the option of seeing p's at any other time, you get to spend all day, every day, with ds.

Your dh has already done as you demanded asked and stopped going over on a Sunday. And, the way it reads to me, you have the option of being included but choose to exclude yourself. That's fine for you, you have made that choice, but I don't see why you would choose for the exclusion to apply to your ds. A good relationship with gp's, I feel, is very important and you could be on the path of not allowing that to happen.

Perhaps I'm reading this wrong/missing something (I don't know) but I don't see that your dh is doing anything out of order, but you come across as particularly over-bearing and possessive with regards to your ds (isn't it funny that that's how you see his dm? They say men marry women that remind them of their dm!!). It's lovely that motherhood has, so far, run relatively smoothly and you enjoy every waking moment with him but he has a daddy too, who sounds like he wants to be able to spend his time with him too (with you in tow but you choose not to). I think you need to find a balance.

separate it all out.

your dh wanting to take his son over is fine.

put it together with the rest of it. not ok.

he spends too much time with them. he used to go 3 times a week

I remember the seaside thread! I felt so sorry for you and your DH sounded very selfish and tbh so did his family. No regard for you whatsoever, and perfectly understandable that you now want to keep your son out of this unhealthy family dynamic as much as possible. Unfortunately this thread does not give the same backstory so it looks like you are being a bit clingy and jealous. Therefore you will get posts here saying that you are being unreasonable. Can you maybe provide more info here, for those who didnt read the other thread, explaining some of the ways they all seem to trample on your needs/ wishes? Then people will be anle to give more balanced advice? I understand that you are just trying to keep to the facts in this incident, but your feelings make much more sense in context

If your dh is the logical type, try to get him to see that to recreate the childhood he loved for his own DS, it is you and he who are now in the role of the parents, providers of fun and rules and new traditions for your DS.

Not his parents.

The two of you.

Maybe through questions, so that the answer falls out of his own mouth, rather than you telling him.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2271014-Feels-like-my-in-laws-organise-half-my-life

Link to the new year seaside thread-hope that's okay whynot

I didn't see the NY thread, can someone point me in the direction please? If there is a back story to this then I would like to read it if there's a possibility I have got it wrong because milly is right, you come across as clingy and jealous.

How often do you see your side of the family?
To me it seems like it's just really unbalanced and that's what would bother me.

I guess it's ok to see your family a lot. But he sounds unhealthy because he doesn't seem to have the same attachment to you, or have other friends, attachment to your family.

It just sounds a bit off. How could he even have time to make other friends or have hobbies? Or a marriage?

What Aussimum said.

I don't think you are being "needy and clingy".. To me also it sounds like you are reacting to a situation that is off, where your own husband is prioritising others over developing his own life and his own marriage to you.

How long does he go to his parents' home for? Could he not see that to spend three evenings (how many hours?) and all day Sunday with his family is ridiculous for a man with a relationship? Had he ever had a relationship before you?

What are the siblings' partners like? Do they all dutifully attend?

I don't feel any love coming from him. The good thing is if you ever had to kick him out, he'd have somewhere he'd happily go to!

Ok, so he's not forcing you to go over with him every time? He doesn't make you feel bad for not going over and is happy when you do? I can't see the problem here really, he's got a close familly and likes spending time with them, always has done since you got together and doesn't exclude you. And why you would stop him taking your child over I really cannot understand.

What if he spent sunday with them, another evening a week with friends and another evening a week doing a hobby. Would that be too much time away from the house for you?

I would also suggest getting in there first a bit for example 'oh dh I have organised something for pancake day/ Easter so don't double book us'.
Wean him off gently!