Not sure why I'm upset

[WhyNotSmile]

I've posted a bit about DH before, and how his life seems to revolve around his parents and sisters. I think i find them threatening or something; I'm not really sure. I've no wish to take him away from them or anything, but just wish our lives didn't revolve around them so much.

Anyway, currently I'm feeling kind of upset after a conversation with DH - just need to write it down to figure it out in my own mind. So, here it is!

We have a 6mo DS; I've waited for years to have children, having always wanted them. I love being with him, don't find it hard work or anything like that - just love every moment with him (I know this will probably change as he gets older, but for now I just cherish every minute, if that doesn't sound to revolting!). He is breast fed, but now being weaned onto solids. Obviously I haven't really been able to leave him for any length of time up to now.

Currently DH goes to his parents' house one night a week for dinner, and then another night a week all three of us go. When we got married at first he went 3 nights a week, plus all day Sunday, but I asked him to stop going every Sunday (by the time we did housework etc on Saturdays there was no time to do anything, so I felt we needed Sundays so we could actually do stuff as a couple). So then it was 3 nights a week. He recently stopped going on Fridays (used to go because they got take-away that night, but then his youngest sister went away for a year, so now he doesn't bother - I'm not sure whether he plans to resume going once she's back, but I imagine he does). Once DS was born, DS and I started going with him one night a week (I never really agreed to this, I now realise; he just sort of asked each week until it became assumed).

We also go there for lots of special occasions (Pancake Day, birthdays etc). All the siblings are teachers, so they all get the same holidays, and spend a lot of time together then too.

All of this is basically nonnegotiable. I don't mind it up to a point; I get on ok with them all, but to be honest we don't have much in common and I find it a strain after a while. I get annoyed that time with his sisters seems to be DH's priority; if we're making plans, they have to fit around what he does with his sisters, and if he makes appointments (dentist etc) then this are always on days when he's not going to his parents' - he will sacrifice time with me, but not them.

So I guess some resentment has built up. As I say, I don't want him to stop seeing them, just I think I should maybe get priority sometimes.

Anyway, now that DS is going onto solids, DH wants to start taking him with him to his parents' house on the other evening that he goes each week. This has upset me, and I'm not sure why. I think it's partly that he tried to say it was for my benefit, to give me a rest (he has never really concerned himself with me needing a rest at any other time, even when I've been exhausted and he's insisted on me coming on some random putting with his sisters). I don't need DS to go away for me to get a rest - as I say, I enjoy time with him. Yes, from time to time it would be nice, but not every week. It's also that DH's life seems to revolve around his parents and sisters, and I don't want to lose DS to them too. I've no objection to it happening from time to time, just not a set-in-stone every week thing.

DH said I was being controlling and precious and DS is his son too, and I know that's true. I feel like I'm being really mean. I tried to explain to DH why it would upset me, but he didn't really seem to be interested. He can be very pushy and stubborn (the first time we talked about this, he huffed for a couple of days). I just feel upset by it and feel like I've been sidelined and my opinion doesn't matter.

Sometimes it feels like he only married me so he'd have someone to take to family events, and now he has DS to show off I don't even matter that much.

I also have a history of severe depression, and anxiety (which is often triggered by the pressure put on me to attend family things).

Please help me to find some perspective on this!

Like others, I can see both sides of this.

It is nice that your DH is very close to your family. It should, hopefully, be good in the long run for everyone that there is such a close family with a good bond on the doorstep. If your DH is very happy spending time with his parents and his sisters than that this is not automatically a bad thing.

On taking your DS with him on his own sometimes, I feel like that is one of those things you probably do have to learn to be ok with. This is is dad, and his family, and while you don't feel like you want to be apart from your DS at the moment your DH does have as much right to spend what he sees as quality time with his DS as you do. I can understand why you feel that this is being imposed on you but I think, overall, it should be seen as a good thing and you should focus on what you could do with that one evening a week to yourself.

However, the set in stone nature of the arrangements would irritate me, as (having seen other posts from you) it does smack of him prioritising his family over you sometimes. Also the huffing because you don't agree with going all the time is just childish and not, to me, enormously healthy within a relationship.

I don't know what the answer is. But while I think you should accept some of it, overall - no, you're not being unreasonable that he puts his family over you all the time.

I just wanted to add to this - and especially after reading the other thread - its' just too much. It would absolutely do my head in in your shoes. They already have this whole system for everything and you are meant to just fit in with it. It's as though you are not an individual you are just another cog in their machine. In isolation DS going with his dad to inlaws is completely fine and you should take the rest, when you need it, SOMETIMES, but not these cast-iron every week, every holiday, every day off arrangements. Where is the space for you to create your own family dynamic? Your own memories and habits and places you like to go? I'm not suggesting all or nothing, you can do both and that would be reasonable, but he's not really allowing you the space to do that because the default position is a)you will all go, even if he's tolerant that you don't always want to, and then b) that he will go even if you don't. I suspect he huffs because he has been programmed all his life to fit into the prescheduled, very tight regime of his parents and it probably comes up against something very very deep inside him to even think about saying no or changing it. It was probably quite a big deal really for him to reduce from three times to twice a week...

Also, would you consider inviting them to you occasionally? Establish a bit of your own 'way of doing things'? Or would they just be far too much to handle?

Agree re trying to wean off gently. It needs to become 'normal' to do your own thing and dip in to their thing when it suits you and dp and ds.

P.S. I suspect that your reticence in DS regularly going without you is to do with you already feeling rather unimportant and taken over by them, and this would be another occasion where you are sidelined, and without your child too. I can completely understand it tbh.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Tiki, your post was especially helpful - that's exactly the conversation I need to have. I really don't want to prevent DS from seeing his GPs and aunts, absolutely not. It's just a bit much when it's enforced all the time. And I don't want to exclude myself; but at the same time I married DH, not his parents and sisters, and while I get on fine with them, I need my own space with DH and DS.

Am on the app, so can't read all names and comments from here, but to answer some of the questions:

I can't really preempt by arranging things first for holidays without causing a huff - it would be "But you know we always do X that day, why did you arrange something else?".

I didn't ask him to stop going on Sundays. I said "I feel like I don't see much of you, and we never really have a full day to ourselves - it would be nice to maybe be able to do something together on a Sunday". The following Sunday he stayed at home, and when I asked why he wasn't going to his parents he said "I don't go there on Sundays any more, so we can do stuff". I hadn't meant him to never go again, just maybe have some Sundays at home!

Someone asked how long he would go for - it's now straight from work until after tea, and then home for about 6. Used to be all evening, so not home until bed time. Sundays was all day until bed time too.

In terms of seeing my family, I would see my mum about once a week, my dad about every 3 weeks. They live further away, so it's not just as simple to call by, but I see them about as much as I'd expect to. DH sees less of them - about every 6 weeks or so - mainly because I tend to see them the day when he's at work. He'd be happy to see more of them, though; he doesn't refuse to see them or anything. We see my sister and her kids every couple of months (again, I see her more than DH does).

I want DS to see my in-laws and have a good relationship with them, and I don't mind at all if DH wants to take him without me (obviously as long as he's not taking him for ages while he's still breastfed). It's just the fact that it's very inflexible and seems to be more of a priority than time with the three of us that's the problem.

Of course you can arrange something that's silly. I would say 'I have arranged/ organised etc an Easter egg hunt (for example) don't forget to invite your mum' and then leave the room. I would invite yours as well and take ownership of your 'fun'.
Don't be compliant if it's making you unhappy. Get in there first :)

And I would ignore any 'huffs' as soon as they happen. Don't buy into it and do other things. He will soon stop.

OP, my DH is exactly the same with his family, and we live in the same road as MIL!!!

When I had my first DC, DH kept waltzing off to Mama's with him. It drove me insane and I eventually had a complete meltdown.

I really had to fight my corner but stood my ground and refused to participate in all the 'set days' . It took time (and a fair bit of shouting on my part) but eventually he and his family realised where they stood in the rankings.

My advice would be to make it clear this arrangement is not set in stone and that OCCASIONALLY it will be fine for DS to accompany his Dad to see the GPs.

Good Luck!

I'd like to add that I really hope my DC don't come home 3 or 4 times a week when they've got their own homes and families!!