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Original poster

Husband attending stag do on my birthday

76 replies

Mummy0001 · 04/02/2015 02:21

Close mutual friends of ours have organised their stag and hens do on my birthday. They are aware it is my birthday weekend (have been told twice). Last year they were away for my birthday, no worries there, but didn't acknowledge it which hurt. What also annoys me is that I won't get to celebrate my birthday properly with my husband as he is best man so has said he has to go which I understand. They will also be organising strippers which my husband knows I am not happy about. She has also organised a venue for her 30th birthday that weekend as she has a birthday a few days after mine (which is great and should be fun).

But with the stag/hens do and her birthday there is little time to celebrate mine. Thinking this is going to be a pretty crappy birthday with my husband at the stag do with strippers and me on my own. My question is, am I being over sensitive or selfish or is it rude of them to organise the stag/hens do on my birthday, when they could organise another weekend (the wedding isn't until another two months). Also the wedding is overseas and will cost us a fortune and we have a new bub so really can't afford it. But we can't say no as hubby is the best man.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 04/02/2015 03:32

How about taking the weekend before and making it all about your birthday?

JapaneseMargaret · 04/02/2015 04:19

The responses you get are going to depend on how people see their birthday.

I think, unless there's an 0 at the end, adult birthdays really are no big deal, and I do think you're being unreasonable to expect them to determine their stag/hen dos around your birthday. They get married once. You have a birthday every year.

Try having a birthday at Christmas - you're always overlooked, and everyone always has loads of other plans. You deal with it.

However I do appreciate there are clearly other issues at play - strippers, overseas (expensive) wedding, etc.

If I were you I'd make my peace with the date, and focus on the other concerns.

MouseInTheSkirting · 04/02/2015 04:29

I wouldn't be worried about this. He can make it up to you on another day. If anyone organising an event had to take into account every other thing going on, there would never be any events.

BOFster · 04/02/2015 05:05

So much to unpick.

I'll take this as the substance of it:

"My question is, am I being over sensitive or selfish or is it rude of them to organise the stag/hens do on my birthday, when they could organise another weekend (the wedding isn't until another two months). Also the wedding is overseas and will cost us a fortune and we have a new bub so really can't afford it. But we can't say no as hubby is the best man."

  1. No, it's not rude for them to pick that weekend: your birthday isn't important to anyone else really.

  2. If you can't afford it/don't really want to go/it's inconvenient- don't go.

  3. Yes, you can say no. Especially if this is about strippers. How tacky.

CinnabarRed · 04/02/2015 05:21

Are you not going to the hen do because of the strippers? If so, have you considered going but excusing yourself from that part? It may only be a few minutes out of a whole weekend, in which case it seems a shame to miss out. You may also find that if enough people say they don't feel comfortable with that part (I would be one objecting) then the organiser changes the plans.

CinnabarRed · 04/02/2015 05:23

And what BOF said about 1 and 2.

JapaneseMargaret · 04/02/2015 05:23

I think the strippers are part of the stag do, as opposed to hen. And it would be a matter of coercing the OP's DH into side-stepping that part, which soooo many DHs don't seem to be willing to do...

CinnabarRed · 04/02/2015 05:27

But surely if they're close mutual friends and the DH is the bestan then she's been invited to the hen?

treaclesoda · 04/02/2015 05:47

I agree that it's not rude of them to organise the hen/stag do on your birthday. They only get married once.

The other issues though. Well, I wouldn't be happy about strippers either and would hope that my dh would respect that.

When your husband agreed to be best man at the wedding, did he know that it would be abroad? If he was asked first and then it was sprung on him that btw it's overseas I'd be pretty angry about being coerced. If he knew from the start that it would be abroad, and you both feel that it's too expensive, I don't understand why he agreed? If they are genuine friends they would understand. If he felt obliged to accept based on fear of them taking it badly then are they really the close friends that you think they are?

Justyouwaitandsee · 04/02/2015 06:20

As others have said, I think you need to untangle your various concerns, sit down with your DH and work out what is best for you as a family.

You said its your friends 30th? Is it yours too? Eitherway, could you do something with your husband / friends to celebrate at a different time?

Just because he is best man and you are close friends doesn't mean you have to go along with all plans (but if you want to, then you should try to find a way which suits you and your DH).

I am a bridesmaid for a close friend and organising her hen do, but not attending myself as I will be in the very late stages of pregnancy. It also looks like I will miss several close friends weddings.

JeanSeberg · 04/02/2015 06:32

I'm confused why you're not going to the hen if they're close mutual friends.

They are aware it is my birthday weekend (have been told twice).

Makes you sound incredibly precious.

Tiredemma · 04/02/2015 06:36

This really wouldn't bother me- unless I was 5 years old perhaps.

figginz · 04/02/2015 06:38

I had this with my 31st. DP best man, my birthday. I had drinks in the pub a few nights earlier with friends, then a lovely night in with wine and telly and choc - and a surprise bunch of flowers from DP too. Thanks

If it's your 30th though that might make a difference.

It can be hard to not get annoyed at other people's wedding / hen / stag plans but try to remember they're your friends for a reason. And they might be lots of reasons why other dates wouldn't have worked.

The strippers thing is different though. Have you talked to your dh about how it makes you feel? Presumably as best man he's organised it too which would make me a bit Confused Angry if I'm honest.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 06:42

I don't give a shit about my birthday and expect everyone else to give even less

The strippers would be the deal breaker for me

flowery · 04/02/2015 06:47

Organising any kind of group event on a weekend where most people can attend is a nightmare. So being all offended about it being the same weekend as your birthday is silly and a bit precious

If you can't afford to go to the wedding you shouldn't have said you would.

Presumably your DH knows how you feel about strippers so how he handles that situation is between him and you.

bigbluestars · 04/02/2015 06:54

I haven't really bothered about my birthday since I was a child- my OH would run a mile at a stage do- especially one involving strippers. So for him my birthday would be the perfect excuse.

My OH wouldn't be friends with someone who thought strippers were a good idea.

defineme · 04/02/2015 06:54

I would decline because of the strippers, if it was a big birthday I might decline too. If I couldn't afford it I wouldn't go. However, nobody should be concerned it's your birthday once you aren't a child except family surely?

Rainicorn · 04/02/2015 07:03

The only thing I'd be bothered about is the strippers.

Joysmum · 04/02/2015 07:18

I love birthdays, but it's an arbitrary date so I'd just change it to another day.

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/02/2015 07:35

What BOF said

I don't get adults who make a big deal out of their birthday.

Strippers are not a mandatory part of a stag do and YANBU to object to them

TendonQueen · 04/02/2015 07:48

Birthday: like Joysmum, I love birthdays and am not ashamed of celebrating them, but I'm fine with moving the celebration as needed. So celebrate your birthday the weekend before. Although if it's your 30th I'd feel less good about that.

Strippers: not great.

Wedding abroad: selfish on their part to expect anyone to spend money attending. If you choose to marry abroad you can't demand people go. Are you all currently planning to go and taking baby too?

Original poster
Mummy0001 · 04/02/2015 08:01

Thanks for everyone's comments, I think I was overreacting a tad.

I guess there are other issues that I am upset about. That I put in an effort for their birthdays and it's not reciprocated, that hubby will be going to a strip club; that I am not in the wedding party but hubby is (he is an old friend so I know I shouldn't be upset, just makes it a bit awkward when they talk about the wedding and I am not included) plus a myriad of other reasons to great to list.

Celebrating another day/weekend sounds like a good idea, as long as my birthday is acknowledged I will be happy :-)

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 04/02/2015 08:04

Very sensible, OP - good approach to life!

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 04/02/2015 08:08

I'm confused, are you going to the hen do?

flowery · 04/02/2015 08:11

"that I am not in the wedding party but hubby is"

Ah. Were you expecting to be a bridesmaid then?

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