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Original poster

Husband attending stag do on my birthday

76 replies

Mummy0001 · 04/02/2015 02:21

Close mutual friends of ours have organised their stag and hens do on my birthday. They are aware it is my birthday weekend (have been told twice). Last year they were away for my birthday, no worries there, but didn't acknowledge it which hurt. What also annoys me is that I won't get to celebrate my birthday properly with my husband as he is best man so has said he has to go which I understand. They will also be organising strippers which my husband knows I am not happy about. She has also organised a venue for her 30th birthday that weekend as she has a birthday a few days after mine (which is great and should be fun).

But with the stag/hens do and her birthday there is little time to celebrate mine. Thinking this is going to be a pretty crappy birthday with my husband at the stag do with strippers and me on my own. My question is, am I being over sensitive or selfish or is it rude of them to organise the stag/hens do on my birthday, when they could organise another weekend (the wedding isn't until another two months). Also the wedding is overseas and will cost us a fortune and we have a new bub so really can't afford it. But we can't say no as hubby is the best man.

OP posts:
NowABitShapeless · 04/02/2015 09:15

Why would you expect to be in the wedding party?

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/02/2015 09:19

It's ok to say "DH I'm not comfortable with you going to a strip club and I want you to skip that bit of the stag do"

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 04/02/2015 09:24

I always think it's a bit rude when adults say "I don't care about my birthday so you shouldn't either".

No-one's stopping you from caring about your birthday, you've just chosen not to. If other people care about theirs, what harm does it cause you? Confused

MatildaTheCat · 04/02/2015 09:24

If you feel you always put a lot of effort into their birthdays and they don't reciprocate then in all likelihood they don't really care as much as you do about birthdays so save yourself the effort.

Celebrate your day the weekend before than have fun at their do.mwin, win.

Not commenting on the strippers because IMO MOST stags involve something along these lines and MOST men will join in, given enough beer and associated behaviour. MOST women don't like it so in all honesty it's better if you don't know. Just my opinion and I've been married a very long time. Strop away but it won't change.

Patchworkpatty · 04/02/2015 09:42

Well said Matilda , I have also been married a very long time and agree absolutely about strippers. Make your opinion known , but generally butt out. Its a no win situation. . If he is best man he would have been organising it. If he didn't approve, it wouldn't be happening. If he doesn't attend he will resent you for making him look 'under the thumb' in front of friends. He's a grown up and needs to make his own decisions. I , personally would pick my battles but if 'strippers' happening to be your battle that you would end your relationship for , then by all means fire away, but anything less is emotional manipulation. Have your say and leave it at that.

sixandtwothrees · 04/02/2015 09:45

Being realistic, I would be miffed about this - not because I thought they should organise around me but because I do like to do something special (not big and fancy but just mark the occasion) on birthdays even as an adult. BUT it sounds like there are a number of things making you feel unimportant and left out here. 1. He's best man, you're just a random guest. 2. You've just had a baby, you might not be feeling at your best, and there will be blokes being twats with strippers 3. The whole wedding has ended up being a big expense and these things snowball and start to make you feel very trapped. I don't think it's as easy as 'if you knew it was abroad you should have said no' because you often start off thinking you can fudge things so it's manageable, and then it gets out of hand and you're committed... That's just my experience, although nowadays I DO say no to these things straight away as I've firmly learnt this lesson and I think its bloody cheeky to expect people to pay to go abroad! 4. Not only is it your birthday and you're feeling a bit sidelined, it's her 30th, with big party too!! Which is the big showdown...

So its a conglomerate of things making you feel shit. I agree with others: Take control of it now before you end up with a worst case scenario. Make sure you DO have some special time with your DH especially for your birthday either during the week or the weekend before. Plan something nice with friends or your family on the night he'll be away so you are not sitting there alone feeling shit. And tell him ifs you want him to pass on the strippers part and he can make an excuse or, better, just tell them to have a great time but he'll be in another bar elsewhere. And as a pp said, stop making a fuss of them on their birthdays as they clearly aren't as bothered as you.

Also think seriously about whether you can afford to all go especially if it's mostly about DH. You might find that if just he goes, and you say now that you're not going, you feel a lot less stressed about it all.

UsuallyLurking1 · 04/02/2015 09:50

Meeeee meeeeeeee

It's all about meeeeeeeee

Is this your 18th? 21st? 50th? No, thought not

My DC2 was born on my birthday, so I now get to spend my birthday cleaning up after loads of kids and seeing inlaws. I used to spend it being waited on hand and foot or taken out for the day. So now we have a birthday the weekend before or after.

You're an adult. Behave like one

Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 04/02/2015 10:03

I seriously don't get grown adults who make a huge fuss about their birthdays. Do you seriously expect people to plan their hen/stag do around your birthday?! 'As long as my birthday is acknowledged I will be happy' Confused

And why did you expect to be part of the wedding party?

Sorry, but you sound like a bit of a princess.

flowery · 04/02/2015 10:06

Honestly, if they need to be told (twice!) that the weekend in question is your birthday (rather than just knowing when your birthday is already), and didn't invite you to be a bridesmaid although it seems you think they might/should have done, it looks like you are perhaps not as close friends as you thought. Maybe no bad thing though, as it sounds as though they irritate you quite a lot!

AliceinWinterWonderland · 04/02/2015 10:22

Good grief, I don't think the OP is wrong in wanting a bit of attention on her birthday. She's not asking for a parade FFS, just some simple acknowledgement. Is that really too much to ask?

And OP, sorry to say this, but I think you should be looking a bit closer to home for your irritation. Your DH is best man? Then he had a hand in the arrangements for the stag do - which means the date (assuming he knows when your birthday is) and the strippers (which means he obviously is happy to have them at the do). That lands squarely at HIS feet.

Ideally, he could have said "look, the only weekend that we could all go was the weekend of your birthday, so I think we should take the weekend immediately prior or after to have a birthday weekend for us to celebrate your birthday." But it sounds like he has blown it off as well, and really he is the one that should be aware of when your birthday is and perhaps organise a bit of relax/celebration/couple time rather than your friends.

As far as being part of the wedding party, it's possible your friends didn't want to put pressure on you as you have a new baby. Maybe they thought you might at the last minute decide you didn't want to travel with the baby, or were worried that if there were any complications at all that you wouldn't be able to travel and wanted to leave that option open for you.

Sickoffrozen · 04/02/2015 10:28

Why do men tell their partners that strip clubs might be involved knowing they won't like it? Weird...surely that's one to keep to yourself!

I would just let it go and plan something nice for your birthday but on a different day.

HangingInAGruffaloStance · 04/02/2015 11:08

I keep trying to write a post but don't really know how to express my genuine incredulity that you care so much about your birthday and expect it to be important to others.

Fair enough re strippers.

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/02/2015 11:12

Sick because they have an honest relationship with their OH? Because lying about going to a strip club only makes it worse?

QuintlessShadows · 04/02/2015 11:14

If you are old enough to have friends that are getting married, and have a husband yourself, then you should be old enough to not stamp your little foot over a birthday clash - not even little children in princess costumes actually do that.

Dont you have a birthday every year? Most people dont have stag dos every year.

Stop putting in an effort over the birthdays of adults! Are you hoping to condition them to reciprocate because YOU care about birthdays more than they care about birthdays? Do you always ensure that you are free on everybodys birthday just in case?

Hmmm2014 · 04/02/2015 11:33

I honestly wouldn't care about any of this, including the strippers. I know that's v unMumsnetty, but I really wouldn't.

If your DH is best man, he'll be sitting at top table - is this what you mean by 'being in the wedding party'? Well, yes, of course he will. You'll be on a different table for the meal - you won't be relegated to eating at a table for one in the corner. Enjoy chatting to the people you're sitting with, and laugh loudly at your DH's speech. If your DH is best man, that probably means you'll know lots of the bride & groom's other friends.

Go out for a meal with your DH on a different day for your birthday. Simple.

Fantasmicos · 04/02/2015 12:07

Maybe it's a big birthday, like 10?

frankbough · 04/02/2015 12:44

My best man sat on a table with his girlfriend and all the guest were seated at tables with people they either knew or would feel comfortable..

Got to say I did nothing for my 40th and we missed my wifes 30's because we were moving house.. Both stag and hen (cringeworthy term) were very tame.. People do get het up about these social dates, most parties turn out to be bore fests anyway..

bloodygorgeous · 04/02/2015 13:36

I like a little bit of fuss and celebration on my bday...not ashamed to admit that. But only from my dh and close family and not at the expense of more important events!

And unless it's your 30th or 40th why on earth should they make their stag/hen do's around your bday?

I'm embarassed for you that you have mentioned it's your birthday weekend TWICE!

You do realise that between the bride and groom they probably know people with birthdays practically every weekend before their wedding?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 04/02/2015 13:58

Although I note the bride has apparently organised a huge do that same weekend for HER birthday... a bit pot v kettle, is it not? So not only does the OP's birthday get overlooked (presumably also by her DH, which I think she is rightly a bit annoyed about) but then there's a big party for her friend's birthday. I can see where that might sting a little bit.

NowABitShapeless · 04/02/2015 17:05

Surely being best man your DH organised the stag do knowing it was your birthday that weekend?

ElsieMc · 04/02/2015 17:27

Agree with Anyfucker, but very unhelpful post from Usuallylurking. Why on earth is it wrong for someone who has just had a baby to expect her dh to spend time with them both on her birthday rather than spending the day with strippers fgs?

I think you are being very understanding of a couple who you say are close and whose birthday/stag do you have acknowledged but they did not acknowledge yours.

I think if this goes ahead as planned, matters will not end happily. You will be at home alone with your baby wondering what is going on. It is all very well to say you are best not knowing, but that doesn't help does it?

UsuallyLurking1 · 04/02/2015 18:39

Elsie / anyfuckers namechange,, the baby was mentioned as a post script to the situation in respect to being able to afford to attend the wedding,

Had op said 'don't want DH to go on stag do as Ive recently had a baby' my response would likely have been different

The question was about her birthday, is she unreasonable to moan about the clash with her birthday, imo yes she is.

As for the strippers....... Let me have a postal address, I'll stick a grip in the post for you Elsie

AnyFucker · 04/02/2015 18:43

UL, that's a strange comment to make

if you suspect me of name changing to support my own posts that is sockpuppetting and a bannable offence

cottageinthecountry · 04/02/2015 18:51

I agree with Usuallylurking and I'm not a sockpuppet to anyfucker Grin

It's one night, no biggie, deal with it and move on.

Your hubby might actually not enjoy it that much anyway because he will be thinking about you and your new baby. That's for him to find out though, giving him a thoughtful lecture on it won't help.

UsuallyLurking1 · 04/02/2015 18:55

suspiciously quick to defend yourself too Elsie, sorry AF

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