If you are/have been emotionally abused, did you ever tell the abuser that was what was happening?

[molehillormountain]

If so, how did they react?

Scornfully and "that's what my ex wife said, funny how its always my fault" - said by ex h.

Said we will always have different opinions on why our marriage failed/accused me of abusing him /counter accusations to distract from issue/ tried to "prove" that it couldn't be true and We were still intimate. Never once looked at himself or considered I may be correct. He told me how disappointed he was in me and I need to grow up, generally acted like I was massively out of order.

He would never accept it and told all his own family it was me , they then chose to involve the children , they have refused to see then for the last 9 years . In private he said to me " you will pay for divorcing me !" I underestimated him big time !

"did you read that in cosmo ?" (said with absolute disdain)

Yep. Was told there was 'no such thing'.

We survived it though, because he agreed to go to counseling. He agreed because he didn't want to get a divorce (I issued an ultimatum) and he was 100,000% sure I was going to be told that I was bang out of order and that he was right. No such a thing. No way! He was only 'expressing his feelings' and 'voicing his opinions' when he would say those terrible things to me. Was he ever surprised! Our lovely and excellent counselor waited until she'd gotten his respect and confidence in her as a professional and then she lowered the boom and gave him hell convinced him of the truth and showed him how to change his ways.

Yup - he went bleating to the OW and they both accused me of being the abuser. Sigh.....

He abuses her now though.

Yes and on the surface he was very.contrite, determined to change, went and sought his own counsellor.
But at the same time, he did very underhand manipulative things and lied to my face about what he was doing on repeated occasions. We are divorced now.
He has also, during the time I have known him, managed to get, not one but two bosses fired. He is scarily good at manipulation.

Across did he really change? Are you happy?

He suggested that I also abused him. He then decided I was having a breakdown and kindly told me he was sure we'd get back together in 5-10 years. He said this very patronisingly.

It's been seven years this month. Still not tempted, especially as I've remarried and had a child

No cos I only realised afterwards that that was what it was

"You're being crazy again"

or

"All of my girlfriends have always said this to me, surely you can see why I can't possibly take it seriously now that you're saying it too"

Yes and was told it couldnt be abuse as he had never hit me, persuaded me I had pnd, and obviously everything was either my fault, or his dad's or the bloke down the Road, and he was frucking awesome and nothing was ever his fault,

he should come with a bloody warning tattoo on his forehead!

All of the above! Mostly I was told "this is not abuse, its just marriage.' Also 'you know you are way more sensitive than most people' and 'abuse is when I don't let you out, when I hit you, when I swear at you, you have no idea what abuse is.'
But I did, thank god, and left. I have been grateful for every (abuse free) day since.

Nope he used to say I was abusive or say real abuse was if I was beating you up!! He also said "Name calling is normal up north!" lol.

I only complained about the abusive behaviour that happened after we broke up, as it made a difficult situation worse, and we had to maintain contact. If I'd been able to just never see him ever again I wouldn't have bothered. So it needed to stop.

I got nowhere for months until I found a way to make his behaviour have an impact on him as well. So finally 7 months after the break up it mostly stopped. And he said he regretted doing what he'd done (which isn't the same as an apology, he only regretted it because of the impact on himself) and that he'd made some mistakes. So same old bullcrap really, took no responsibility for it all, but at least he stopped the worst of it.

That I was (am) a lying bitch, it was (is)MY fault, that I didn't know what abuse was. That victims of real abuse didn't need liars like me because it's why noone believes them. That i was manipulative, twisting the truth to make him look bad.
That it was because he was/ is ill / undiagnosed with x, then y and z.
Because I am so hateful he needs everyone who knows me to know the "real" me only he knows about.
Yes. I said horrid things when backed to a wall. That I regret. The rest. All him.

interesting, in the cases of shaska and woowoo, the accusation of abuse seems to lose even more weight (if possible) the more people say it to them!

What type of forcefield must a man have that 'all of his x girlfriends' have said the same thing and so as a consequence when the next gf says it too, it is her not the statement that he can't take seriously. {marvelling at the strength of that forcefield of delusion}

Yep. Tried to, repeatedly. Was told to "Shut the fuck up" "Stop being so fucking stupid" "You don't listen and you don't learn, that's your fucking problem" "Well I don't shag about, you should be grateful" and regularly called 'Stupid fucking bitch' and 'Thicky'. These are just the ones I can remember in a few seconds off the top of my head. Very manipulative and clever, convinced the Relate counsellor that it was all my fault. Was only after I opened up after three months and mentioned that he'd tried to push me down the stairs that she had her eyes opened! (Terrible Relate experience altogether, but that's probably another thread!!)

Anyway......We're divorced now! I believe he tells people that we 'grew apart'.........!!

Well it wasn't my husband it was my Father. Screaming abuse in my face. Very nastyVery unpredictable, rubbishing and unsupportive. My DM was brainwashed and an enabler. Our house was an anxious place for a child to be. My siblings detested him and have all had issues of self esteem. I was apparently the scapegoat. I think I was the most sensitive and the least like him.
Outwardly he was a charming, very good looking, and educated man. Inwardly he was screwed.
So he lived into old age and I was able to challenge him. But unfortunately I hadn't read the thread' We took you to a Stately home ' etc. as soon as I said to him, as a retort in response to yet another nasty comment, ' you are actually a bully.' He went berserk and then bawled and said Oh, he was the big bad wolf. It was utterly pathetic. So I got nowhere.

Still I had the satisfaction of telling him what I thought of him before he died. I didn't go to his funeral and I haven't cried once. Very sad really.
How lovely it would have been to be loved as a child.
However I tried my best not to be the same with my own children. They contact me often and come home as much as they can, but I still worry about whether I have been good enough.

It is more complicated when it's a parent holeinmyheart. I'm glad you confronted him before he died. Even if he had a 'smart answer' he knew you saw him not as "Right, and wronged but as a manipulative bully.

I also have a difficult time sometimes wondering if i'm being 'abusive' to my dd. She won't take her anti-biotic, or her inhaler, or brush her teeth, and I 'nag' her and then get really cross and shout at her to look after herself, and I say ''I can't do it for you!!!' but I have a raised voice by then. And sometimes when she calls me names I get too cross too quickly. I do love her though, I support her plans and praise her looks and her brains and I say things to make her feel brave when she's going in to a new situation, but sometimes I think I don't handle being a parent so well.

It's interesting.... I told my DH (in floods of tears) that he sometimes came across as a complete sociopath and like he had no human feelings at all. He laughed and said 'You know, I would dismiss that statement if it weren't for the fact that all my other girlfriends have said it too. You can't ALL be nuts, so I guess you must be right." He now tries to think about my feelings before going into his usual fact-driven rants and I love him for remembering and trying not always successful but a lot better than before So talking about it can be helpful, if your partner is receptive.

My DM, on the other hand..... admitted that she'd been an utterly shit mum (when I'd grown up), cried for hours, pleaded for forgiveness, but clammed up tight when asked simply WHY she was like that. Also, she got angry when I couldn't magically forgive her overnight as she thought that all you had to do was apologise. Or maybe she was angry because she didn't want to acknowledge how much damage she'd done to me.

My DF prefers to maintain the illusion that he's the good parent and that she was the shit one, which isn't very fair really. He gets v. upset at any indication that he got it wrong. Oh well.

Basically I think that a lot of people prefer to think that you're fucked up than that they've fucked up

wow, he laughed while you were distressed and in tears though

You're right though "you're fucked up" is way easier than "I'm fucked up".

He has form for laughing as a way of attempting to defuse the situation, Messy. I have roared at told him that it is not conducive to my happiness and tbf he does try not to do it now. Still smirks a bit though

'You're mentally ill, there's something wrong with you.'

'Don't be so stupid, of course I'm not abusing you.'

'You're making it up because you're a liar and you need help.'

'Name a time when I've abused you, go on.' (then demolishing every example by saying I'd done something to cause it)

'Am I not allowed an opinion now? How it is abuse when I'm just telling you what I think?'

Funnily enough, like newname he later told me he wished he could undo every bad thing he'd done to me but he never actually apologised.

Messy it is astounding. I think part of it, though he definitely wasn't bright enough to have thought this up consciously, is when he would say 'oh you're just like all my other girlfriends with your mad accusations' then it made me aware that I could be 'just another ex girlfriend' and want to be the good girlfriend. The best girlfriend. Who didn't say these tewwible cwazy things. I should be able to see the real him, who was wonderful.