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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you are/have been emotionally abused, did you ever tell the abuser that was what was happening?

55 replies

molehillormountain · 03/02/2015 18:52

If so, how did they react?

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 04/02/2015 09:47

Yep, he laughed and said I cannot blame him for me 'being mental' He was also physically abusive, I mentioned that and it was as though he had blocked it from his mind.

Scary really.

BeCool · 04/02/2015 10:06

He accused me of being abusive and controlling Hmm
Usually using his screaming voice.

I was also accused of following "psycho babble" etc when I tried to talk about our relationship or even my feelings.

This is the man who freaked out when our 6 year old saw an enuresis nurse as he thought it would be about him, and he also thought it would stay on her medical record as a slur against her personality/mental state forever.

MessyHair9 · 04/02/2015 10:08

shaska, I had that pressure too, the coveted position of being the first woman not to let him down.

Nope, pass. Grin

queenoftheknight · 04/02/2015 10:19

Yes, I was diagnosed as insane. A bad mother, having no friends, abusive, of keeping him a prisoner and destroying his business..... blahblahblahblahblah.

Until the whole of society agreed with me and not him. Including SS, the GP, and the courts. Now he regrets things. Yeah. Right. As I said to one of my support people, there is a fine line between denial and just plain fucking stupid.

Auburnsparkle · 04/02/2015 10:26

When I was accused by him and the OW of child abuse my daughter said to him - look you know that is utter rubbish. If Mum was abusive why did you leave me with her? He then backed down and said it was one of the lies he made up to make himself look like the victim to the OW. My DD said to him 'top fathering there' - oddly enough she doesn't see him or have a relationship with him now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/02/2015 10:40

The EA I was subjected to was the manipulative, controlling, grind-you-down, sap your spirit, type. His specialist technique was 'poor me'.... monopolising my life with his alleged problems, making me responsible for his failings and using them as excuses for bad behaviour.

If I'd known about EA at the time I might have challenged him on it, but I didn't. However, when I did try to break out and do anything that meant he was no longer centre of my universe (and I did this a lot thank goodness), his response was always the same. A ramping up of the self-destructive behaviour... 'look what you made me do'.... tears and tantrums, more sob stories, followed by some kind of over-compensation, turning on the charm and romantic gestures. Total head-fuck

GoatsDoRoam · 04/02/2015 10:56

Mine felt wronged to the point of rage whenever I had any needs, thoughts, or desires of my own. So it was all my fault, obviously.

I think that their sense of entitlement (usually to cover deep insecurity) is SO large, that in their minds they're the ones being "abused" whenever they're not getting all of their way, all of the time, with a willing punchbag to boot.

adorably2014 · 04/02/2015 10:57

No, I never challenged anything. I didn't because I was far too docile but in many ways I am glad I didn't because it would have screwed me even more than I am now.
Through solicitors he is accusing me of being mad and other complete lies, pretty much similar to what some of the above posters mentioned. Face to face it would have led to arguments and destroyed me even more than I feel now.

Like Cogito says, total head-fuck. It is anyway but to challenge it in some situations can lead to more. The only way was out for me (well it escalated anyway).

Original poster
molehillormountain · 04/02/2015 12:01

So the consensus is they pretty much never admit it then Hmm

OP posts:
Auburnsparkle · 04/02/2015 12:08

Yep I think so - pretty much!

BeCool · 04/02/2015 12:17

I also found a HUGE amount of surprisingly accurate projecting went on. He would scream at me (in my face) a list of all my faults (ironically including that I spoke to him in the wrong 'tone') pretty much detailing everything HE was doing.

Massive projecting. massive. Of course "projecting" is simply psycho-babble bullshit and doesn't even exist.

shaska · 04/02/2015 12:36

"ironically including that I spoke to him in the wrong 'tone'"

Oh YES! 'Well if you presented your problems in a different tone of voice or used different words then I would be totally fine with it and agree with you and everything would be great. But you do it wrong so I don't have to listen at all. And no I'm not going to tell you how you could do it right."

BeCool · 04/02/2015 12:45

ha!

He also never saw anything wrong with SCREAMING loudly at me that I SPOKE to him with the wrong tone. Or should I say, he felt perfectly entitled and justified in screaming at me about speaking in the wrong tone.

I did used to point this out - resulting in more screaming/shouting abuse.

Lottapianos · 04/02/2015 12:47

'As I said to one of my support people, there is a fine line between denial and just plain fucking stupid'

Oh god I just love this and may have to nick it queen. SO true. I wish I could display it on a bill board outside the house of someone I know who has just announced she's expecting her third child with her emotionally abusive, cheating scumbag husband. I'm torn between feeling incredibly sorry for her and feeling disgusted by the whole situation.

So many similarities in responses from the EA partners on this thread. I have challenged my EA mother about her behaviour but never actually used the word 'abusive' - I'm glad I didn't, she would never ever have been able to hear it, and her response to just being challenged was nuclear enough Hmm

HellKitty · 04/02/2015 12:48

Considering what a gent mine was, how 'some men hit their wives, how lucky are you?' I took his signing the divorce papers over his unreasonable behaviour an admission of guilt. He sometimes tells the DCs (when he sees them) that he could have been a better husband/father but then reverts back to ALL women are x, y and z. Usually preceded by 'fucking'.

iloverunning36 · 04/02/2015 12:49

I sent him a link to my description of what was going on and all the many responses telling me to ltb and he said "Everybody and their dog knows what a tragic life you have left and what a victim you are. I've never said a word about you to anyone"

Norest · 04/02/2015 13:38

Yep. One who denied it and then a few years after we split got in touch to apologise and admit to it.

Another who decided that the abusive behaviour was down to having been 'infected' by me, despite not being able to point to any instances when I had been anything other than supportive, caring and well-behaved as a partner. That one is certifiable though, thinks they (and people involved with them) are, um, deities. As in god-like. Confused

On the plus side I'm now with an awesome man who doesn't have an abusive bone in his body. Smile

AcrossthePond55 · 04/02/2015 14:03

Across did he really change? Are you happy?

Yes, he did. I liken it to a recovered alcoholic. The tendency is probably still there, it's just under control. His desire to keep me (and his family) is stronger than his need to shout vile things. He's learned to recognize his 'warning signs' and deal with them. He's not perfect by any means, and we've gone back to our lovely counselor for a 'tune up' (oh, those teen years with our sons!) but it's never been like it was before.

We both had to do some changing. I needed to learn to not push his buttons. That did not mean to stifle myself or not stand up for myself. It meant that during disagreements to NOT dredge up his past behaviour.

Are we happy? Yes, we are. No marriage is perfect. We are both strong personalities who like to get their own way. So we still argue at times, it's just that now we know HOW to argue.

mix56 · 04/02/2015 14:04

angry, refusal, it's all me.

Hissy · 04/02/2015 14:16

"Fucking Mumsnet, it's really bad for you, you know?"

Wink

No they don't change. they are weak insignificant little shites who get off on trying to control others. it's their weakness that drives them to abuse, not any notion of strength. Even those that learn how to behave, it's all an act and they are doing it because they know they are not worth a shot with anyone else. I would never, ever trust an abuser again, at their rotten core the only thing that exists is their own desire to please themselves. they fundamentally don't care about anyone or anything other than themselves. Being 'nice' and acceptable takes them a herculean effort. I'd rather be with someone who was nice naturally and not pretending to be so. Or alone.

My ex admitted it once, did the whole 'i feel like killing myself with the guilt I feel' crap, but he soon got over that. the last call I had with him the other week he was back to threats and blaming me for having made him thump and kick me.

What... Eva...

Hissy · 04/02/2015 14:17

i also found that when I did point out how his behaviour hurt me it gave him a hint as to what to do to maximise that hurt, it focussed his attention on what worked.

they are disgusting creatures. truly.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/02/2015 14:56

Yes with my late father - he told me I was mad. Probably yes with my late mum, whose main problem was that I'd spoken up about it

And definitely yes with my OH - this time the reply was "Well I can't be, I don't hit you, do I??"

It can take a lifetime to understand that the responsibility for abuse lies with the abusers and nobody else but I've found there's no real healing until that time comes

ninilegsintheair · 04/02/2015 15:14

I've had the 'I'm not abusive, you are' and 'There's nothing wrong with me, I'm Mr Awesome', 'You pushed me to it' and 'It's not my fault, it's my Mum/Dad/bloke down the street/neighbour's dog'.

Mine simply is unable or unwilling to recognise himself in anything abusive - he gets upset when he hears about women who have been beaten up for example. Didn't stop him hitting me, or strangling me (the latter of which is 'ok now' because he apologised Hmm ). He even bought me one of those white ribbons (for the campaign to end DV). He simply doesn't see himself as an abuser.

He is a very damaged and dangerous man but our useless Relate counsellor was totally bought by him.

holeinmyheart · 04/02/2015 15:40

Mmmm if I cried when being abused my Father just swore at me. He had no compassion, only for himself. There are so many cruel stories involving him, but when I was young I had to have a serious emergency operation because I had an Ovarian Cyst and threatened burst appendicts.
Approximatly a few months earlier, the night before I was due to leave home for Uni at 18, and never having been ill before, I woke up with an incredible sickening pain in my tummy. I tried to be quiet as it was the middle of the night, but on stumbling in agony to the bathroom to be sick, I woke my Father up.
I must have been whitefaced from the pain, which was probably the Cyst already growing inside me. I said' or probably gasped ' I am sorry, I'm sorry and he screamed at me that ' I was a selfish Bitch' etc. I can remember wishing that I was dead. I sat in the bathroom until the pain subsided and just stayed up all night.
I was so glad to get away.

I just can't imagine speaking to my own DC's like that. I have never sworn at them or called them names or sneered at them.

What was wrong with my Father that he thought it was Ok to treat someone like that ? He would maintain that he wasn't abusive because he didn't hit us. But he was. Shouting and sarcasm and sneering are definately involved in emotional abuse. My sisters and brothers all loathed him.

At least I was able to tell him what I thought of him before he died. He wasn't going to admit anything though. He said in response to my outpourings , I forgive you' WHAT!

I did have something to say about him saying that, but years of bullying take their toll and I am soft hearted, so he didn't really get his comeuppance.

Anyway, I try not to dwell on it now because I don't want to waste time thinking about him, and it is no good looking back.
Counselling and a Mindfulness course have helped me come to terms with my miserable childhood.

bibliomania · 04/02/2015 15:47

I think that their sense of entitlement (usually to cover deep insecurity) is SO large, that in their minds they're the ones being "abused" whenever they're not getting all of their way, all of the time, with a willing punchbag to boot.

YES, this. Totally agree, goat.

Nini, I'm gasping at yours buying you a white ribbon. Such self-delusion.

They really do follow a script. I had "You're the abuser!", "That's not abuse!", "You're just telling liest to get people on your side" etc. He also said a couple of times that he sometimes wished that "something would happen" to our DD (then a baby) so that he could tell everyone how awful I was.

A couple of sessions in Relate said they couldn't help us. That was the right decision, I realize now, but they wouldn't say why. They left me hanging - I don't understand why they didn't tell me that it was an abusive relationship and point me to help at that stage.