has anyones husband ever hit them and then you've stayed together

[LazyDaisy29]

i am new to this and am a little bit nervous. i am looking for advise from similar experiences. please don't be judgmental

ill start from the beginning and try not to ramble

me and my husband have been together 8 years married for 12 weeks
we have 2 boys 7 and 3

over the past 4 months i have been seeing a councillor about different things that have troubled my past and it has really brought a lot of painful feelings to the surface so i have been down but try to remain as normal as possible and save it all for counselling

anyway 3 weeks ago me and my husband ended up having an argument about nothing that escalated pretty quick and he ended up saying i was fat, that i was a rubbish mum, that he wished he never married me and that i was mental! he then walked past me and sort of hit me around the face, it really didn't hurt or even feel like a proper slap but i was shocked none the less.

me and the boys moved out for a few nights and he was really really sorry
i told him that all of that was un acceptable and how could he say those nasty things to me, he said he was just really angry.

then last week i had to take out ds to the doctors, he had left his rubbish from his breakfast all over the kitchen sides, and was laying on the sofa snoozing. i did feel annoyed because id been up with our ds a lot in the night and was tired and then i had to come home to mess and his snoozing, i huffed a little and said i thought you would of tidied up after yourself and he replied saying he hadn't done anything because he was tired. i said i can see that!

anyway again it escalated, as my councillor said he winds me up and winds me up till i explode then starts being nasty, he said i was mental again, i said he wouldn't understand what I've been through and he told me to quite the sob story and man the fuck up! i was devastated and threw a clothes horse across my bedroom cause i was so angry, he walked up to me and head butted me, he then punched me in the side of the head which has resulted in me having a black eye for a week and a half

I've seen my councillor since this happened and he did move out, he has accepted full responsibility. basically i just don't want to break up, i don't want to have a failed marriage after such a small amount of time, i don't want to break up with the father of my children, i don't know why he's done this after 8 years of never laying a finger on me.

i feel like this has opened my eyes to what my life has become and how much i have changed in the past 8 years and i want to get back to who i was

but then having said all that i feel like a fool a massive fool and how did i allow this to happen to me

has anyone ever been through this and stayed and it never happened again
or am i being stupid

please be kind

this monster will only get worse - get out now before he kills you or one of your kids

I think the short answer is no.

All domestic abuse is serious, but a headbutt and punch to the side of the face is off-the-scale dangerous - he could well have killed you, and might well do so next time. And there will be a next time, have no doubt of that. It's not too late to phone the police.

Do not, whatever you do, think that you should stay for the sake of the children. It is precisely for their sake that you should end this marriage asap.

Hopefully, people will be along very shortly with useful numbers like the number for women's aid.

BTW, I know you're desperately looking for someone to say "look, here's a magic wand which will restore the dream you had before he broke it" and I know it's going to be really hard getting your head round the idea that there is no magic wand, but honestly, no, there is no way of saving your marriage, only ways of leaving him as safely as possible, protecting your life and giving your children a happy childhood without an abusive monster in the house.

But we know (from bitter experience - my sister spent years in an abusive marriage) that you're going to find it hard to get your head round this. But please, please keep talking to us, and keep posting.

The 'sort of hit' was a teaser. He got away with that. He has now head butted and punched you so hard you were bruised for a week and a half. It sounds like he will get away with that. So, what physical punishment will you 'deserve' next when he's really angry? He will ramp it up until he is satisfied with the level of beating he deems 'necessary'.

Fuck that. Get you and your children safe from this abuser.

Why the hell would you want to stay with him?

This does not reflect a failure of your marriage. It reflects a failure of his ability to act as a decent human and treat you with even the most basic respect. Please don't blameyourself.
His behaviour is escalating and worsening. You must protect yourself and your boys from more physical and emotional abuse. And the only way to do this is to leave him. Be strong and I wish you all the best in leaving him.

Please get out and stay out. Do you want your dc exposed to this? He a violent bully.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it isn't your fault. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.

" i don't want to have a failed marriage after such a small amount of time"

There is a concept in economics called 'the sunk cost fallacy' whereby people end up investing (and losing) more and more in a hopeless situation because they can't bring themselves to cut their losses. It is a trap.

www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html

He won't change, you need to find a way to leave. Please contact the police and seek some support from your real life friends and family.

Women's Aid helpline number: 0808 2000 247

Please, please call.

no.

It doesn't stop.

First it's verbal, then a slap, then a headbutt - what do you think is next?

What happens is that women often don't leave (this is very complicated and well researched and it's well understood what happens to a woman psychologically as a result of being in an abusive relationship) and they get hit and hit and hit and hit and beaten and beaten and sometimes they get out and sometimes they don't and carry on getting beaten and sometimes they die.

Please be one of those that gets out.

for your sake and for any hope your kids have of anything like a normal life.

Once they get to the point where they start hitting you - they don't stop. There will always be a next time. There will always be you on eggshells trying to do your best to not do anything you think will result in that next time. But it will come anyway.

Someone can't love you and hit you, it's just not possible.

By the way, you're not a massive fool - abusers don't go around with a sign above their heads saying "I get my jollies from hitting women". They start off nice, then gradually ramp up the behaviour. Given that your self esteem is in shreds, I'd put money on you having undergone years of psychological and emotional abuse from him before he hit you for the first time.

Nor did you "allow this to happen" - he chose to do this. Ask yourself how you would feel about it if this was one of your close friends describing her husband's behaviour.

Also, you're not stupid. Downtrodden, not seeing clearly, desperately trying to cling onto shreds of hope (which you will have to let go of, but hopefully you can get professional help, from women's aid for instance to help you to do this). But not stupid.

(Message to other posters: OP is in a massively vulnerable place at the moment. Please post accordingly - by all means, get the message across that she has to get this man out of her life right now, with help from the police and women's aid, but please, do not make her feel worse about the situation than she already does. It is very easy to scare a poster away so that she feels this is not a safe place to post.)

I'm sorry but your marriage is already ruined, he ruined it. It's like an eggshell, it can't ever be put back how it was before.

thank you everyone

i guess I'm gutted and yeah i wish there was a way to fix this situation but i know deep down there isn't

I'm just so angry he has done this to my perfect happy life
and now its going to be tough to start again

I stayed with my abuser for 7 years, all his promises never to do it again were lies. I had an injunction against him at one point and he spent a couple of weeks in prison on remand, he did the dometic abuse course and the anger management. I believed he had changed. We got married and six months later I ended up in hospital having my head glued back together. He hadn't changed. They dont change.

Please leave now, keep yourself and your boys safe. I found it helped to be honest with people about why I had left. I had nothing to be ashamed of and it helped me not be tempted to go back.

Please leave this violent piece of shit. You need to report the assault to the police. Remember on average 2 women are killed by their partner every week in the UK.

I am really, really sorry he did this to you.

I know you don't want your marriage to fail but that is what he is counting on that to get away with this.

Don't know of anyone who has stayed and got past an incident like this but I do know of many people who have stayed far longer than they should hoping against reason that it would get better.

don't let him back into your home. He'll do it again.
Report it to the police if you can. Even just to 101. You may need this later.

I'm such an idiot cause i just can't see him as an abuser and keep thinking but what if this is just a one off and i chuck my world away over a one off

i know I'm stupid thinking that but thats what i keep thinking

It isn't fair OP. It isn't. You did nothing to deserve having a ruined relationship and to end up on your own but the thing you ate looking for, a happy family, isn't on the menu.

If you leave him now, you can build yourself a happy life.

He chucked it away. Not you.

Get a copy of Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that". You will probably see that he has always been like this and he is an abuser.

you need to lose your fear of having a failed marriage behind you.

I have a failed marriage behind me which leaves me free to make a success of the rest of my life.

I don't mean that to sound unkind. I didn't leave the first time my sobx hit me so I do understand.

Please leave him though.

Also, google time sunk fallacy.

Hear hear Mrs diesel and sorry you had to go through that. Op, my mother ensured thirty yes thirty years of this which continued to escalate till she hit rock bottom. Don't let it get to that. She was too embarrassed to tell anyone and I know she could have got help if she had, from friends and family. The effect on me and my siblings endures today. Best of luck.

He has done this, not you.

You have nothing feel guilty about, but feeling gutted and sad is to be expected

So sorry op and listen to those other posters. They are talking a hell of a lot of sense and from painful experience it would seem

here

is "your world" built on sand?

It's not just going to be a one off. He hit you twice in three weeks. Three weeks! It's just going to escalate. And no, you're not stupid though for thinking, wishing, hoping that it's just a one off - it's very common and probably just human nature, not wanting all your dreams and hopes to be destroyed.

You were wondering upthread why he has done it now, after not laying a finger on you in eight years. I reckon it's because you got married recently. He now thinks that he's got you 'trapped', you won't want to break up the marriage etc. It's just going to get worse. (Of course, it wouldn't be you breaking up the marriage. He has done that with his behavior.)

Please get support (in addition to support on Mumsnet) and make sure you're safe.