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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

has anyones husband ever hit them and then you've stayed together

58 replies

LazyDaisy29 · 03/02/2015 16:43

i am new to this and am a little bit nervous. i am looking for advise from similar experiences. please don't be judgmental

ill start from the beginning and try not to ramble

me and my husband have been together 8 years married for 12 weeks
we have 2 boys 7 and 3

over the past 4 months i have been seeing a councillor about different things that have troubled my past and it has really brought a lot of painful feelings to the surface so i have been down but try to remain as normal as possible and save it all for counselling

anyway 3 weeks ago me and my husband ended up having an argument about nothing that escalated pretty quick and he ended up saying i was fat, that i was a rubbish mum, that he wished he never married me and that i was mental! he then walked past me and sort of hit me around the face, it really didn't hurt or even feel like a proper slap but i was shocked none the less.

me and the boys moved out for a few nights and he was really really sorry
i told him that all of that was un acceptable and how could he say those nasty things to me, he said he was just really angry.

then last week i had to take out ds to the doctors, he had left his rubbish from his breakfast all over the kitchen sides, and was laying on the sofa snoozing. i did feel annoyed because id been up with our ds a lot in the night and was tired and then i had to come home to mess and his snoozing, i huffed a little and said i thought you would of tidied up after yourself and he replied saying he hadn't done anything because he was tired. i said i can see that!

anyway again it escalated, as my councillor said he winds me up and winds me up till i explode then starts being nasty, he said i was mental again, i said he wouldn't understand what I've been through and he told me to quite the sob story and man the fuck up! i was devastated and threw a clothes horse across my bedroom cause i was so angry, he walked up to me and head butted me, he then punched me in the side of the head which has resulted in me having a black eye for a week and a half

I've seen my councillor since this happened and he did move out, he has accepted full responsibility. basically i just don't want to break up, i don't want to have a failed marriage after such a small amount of time, i don't want to break up with the father of my children, i don't know why he's done this after 8 years of never laying a finger on me.

i feel like this has opened my eyes to what my life has become and how much i have changed in the past 8 years and i want to get back to who i was

but then having said all that i feel like a fool a massive fool and how did i allow this to happen to me

has anyone ever been through this and stayed and it never happened again
or am i being stupid

please be kind

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 03/02/2015 17:34

OP, you don't deserve to be head-butted and punched. Noone deserves that.

what if this is just a one off

Well, it is already twice, and that is too many times.

i want to get back to who i was

That is the spirit, OP. You will get back to your old self much more quickly without him.

randomAXEofkindness · 03/02/2015 17:36

You aren't chucking anything away op. What you had, went, as soon as he hit you. With the best will in the world you will never be able to forget what he did. Everything you share together from now on will be stained by this.

He did that, not you.

You can stay and pretend, but it's gone already. You will never feel content with him. It's impossible. There's nothing you can do about that.

LurcioAgain · 03/02/2015 17:39

Vermicious is right - probably it is your recent marriage making him think he's got you trapped, that he owns you. For some men it's pregnancy (a classic time for domestic abuse to start/escalate) for others it's marriage (my mother's first marriage: she always said "no matter how well you think you know someone before you get married, it is different when you are married" - I think she was talking about exactly this - in her case it was years of emotional and financial abuse once she'd married him, escalating to physical abuse when she was pregnant).

Jan45 · 03/02/2015 17:40

It's not a one off though, he's now moved onto punching you. Please for god's sake or for your kids sake get away from him, he's an absolute coward and a nasty piece of work. Of course he will tell you he's sorry etc etc...until the next time.

You are in a toxic relationship, there's no going back now, it's done, you have no choice but to separate. I'd have left the first time, no person, no matter who it is or how much you wind them up has the right to do this to you.

CheersMedea · 03/02/2015 17:45

You were wondering upthread why he has done it now, after not laying a finger on you in eight years. I reckon it's because you got married recently. He now thinks that he's got you 'trapped', you won't want to break up the marriage etc

This sounds highly likely - although I would question whether this is a brand new type of behaviour (personality change) or was it something simmering underneath?

Is there anything else that has changed recently in terms of his behaviour/lifestyle that is different? Eg. has he started drinking more or taking drugs.

This may not be relevant to your situation at all and probably depends on your relationship history but I knew someone who previously was utterly law abiding and almost overnight became violent and started drinking heavily. It turned out to be the start of serious mental illness.

I don't think it really makes a difference to your position - in terms of it is very clear that you should leave and this is the safest thing for you to do. (headbutting is SO aggressive, dangerous and violent).

TheVermiciousKnid · 03/02/2015 17:50

although I would question whether this is a brand new type of behaviour

I was wondering that too. Even if he has not been physically abusive until now, I bet there were other red flags.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/02/2015 17:50

I agree that something has triggered this - either your marriage, or perhaps your counselling. Maybe he doesn't like you examining your life, maybe he doesn't like you changing.

But the triggers aren't the point OP - he has slapped, punched and headbutted you. He is escalating terrifyingly quickly and you need to get out, please.

TheVermiciousKnid · 03/02/2015 17:52

Good point, Lonny. Counselling may also have been a trigger. In any case, OP, it's not your fault! Never mind what he says about you making him angry, pressing his buttons or whatever.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2015 17:56

Womens Aid can and will help you leave and get you all safe. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

The first step to get out is often the most difficult one to take but there is really no other option now. Your children will be affected by seeing their mother get physically and emotionally abused by their dad. It is no life for them either to be witness to. Your children need a childhood not at all marred by him abusing you.

Any shame you have is totally misplaced, the responsibility here for his violence towards you is really all his.

BeeRayKay · 03/02/2015 18:04

I have.

The first time (years ago) he dragged me off the bed by !my ankles and then broke the wardrobe.

The second time he shook me and gripped my arms so hard they bruised.

The third time he held me up by my throat.

The fourth time....he smashed my head off the children's toy box and threatened to break my arm whilst it was twisted up my back. That time I rang 999.

After much talking where I documented every case where he abused me, emotionally and physically he went to the doctors. Started taking AD's, sought counselling. I stayed with him.

since then, there has only been one occasion which was downright bizarre (very very painful though).

The emotional abuse has stopped. His anger has gone. My house is no longer smashed up on a frequent basis.

I'm probably a fool for staying, but out of all of what I've said only twice were times I hadnt done something wrong.

Its hard, I'm not scared of him now. We discussed what happened with counsellors, together and apart, and his mum found out about the 999 incident and her reaction was amazing.

the difference with my dh and yours is that he instantly sought help off of his own back when I laid it all out for him. he moved out of the family home, opened an account with a sum of money in, large enough for me to get to the other side of the world with the children should I choose (which now only I have access too) and I actually believe he won't do it again. perhaps because I see how all areas of his life are calmer and more relaxed.

he's still a tosser and a dick at times, but not nasty. just forgets to bring his washing down once every so often.

your h sounds awful. nasty and physically abusive. get out.

BeeRayKay · 03/02/2015 18:06

oh and its been a long time since anything happened. a few arguments since, money, tiredness but they were good arguments. calm, no shouting, we both said our bit.

SoonToBeSix · 03/02/2015 18:12

The first time you mentioned I personally would have done like you and tried to save my marriage. But not now, he has had his second chance.

Longdistancenerves · 03/02/2015 18:18

Regardless of how long you've been married OP do not allow this animal to continue. This isn't a marriage, it's a path to something far far outside what would be deemed that.

Keep yourself and your kids safe.

Original poster
LazyDaisy29 · 03/02/2015 18:26

i dont think there is any changes in him to be honest

i have spoken to him about it and he has booked to see a councillor

i still feel stupid

beeraykay, what are ADs?

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 03/02/2015 18:27

AD anti depressants.

imip · 03/02/2015 18:36

I know a marriage that has stayed together like this for 44 years. My parents. My mum's life has been destroyed by him. She won't leave. I've seen things I should never have seen. Your DCs will be traumatised by this upbringing. My siblings and I were. When my brothers were teenagers, he beat them up also. My siblings are beset with mental health problems and addiction. I blame my parents for that. Sadly I blame my mum also for staying with him. I can't sympathise because it destroyed my life so much. Sorry op, the ramifications for DCs are so huge, if on this basis alone, you'd be better off without him.

BeeRayKay · 03/02/2015 18:43

OP. unless he went off his own back and is truely engaging then he won't change.

you're suffering chronic abuse....you really need to think avoutn why you want to save this marriage. you're not wanting it to fail is not a reason.

you sound desperately unhappy :-( I never was. and aren't now.

Lottapianos · 03/02/2015 18:50

OP, it is an enormous shock to have someone put their hands on you violently. Its common to go into denial and minimising mode because its actually hard to believe that this has happened to YOU. It took me years to really get my head around the fact that my ex had hit me

His behaviour is disgusting and highly dangerous and there are no excuses for it. There is no going back from this. If you stay, its giving him the green light to get even worse. Its just dreadful that its down to you to change things when he's the one who has behaved so dreadfully but that's how it is.

Men like this don't change for the better, they only get worse. There's a real chance that you could be killed or very seriously injured by him. What about when your children get older and are more challenging, have more to say for themselves? He will start on them too, emotional abuse if not physical. And please never ever kid yourself that they won't know what's going on - they will. Please take care of yourself OP

PeppermintCrayon · 03/02/2015 19:27

he said he was just really angry

That's not an explanation.

fattymcfatfat · 03/02/2015 19:48

My ex attacked me once....he grabbed me by the hair and threw me onto the floor then tried to choke me, when our ds was upstairs in bed and our dd was inly 9 weeks old and in the moses basket. I hit him back. I punched him in the face and gave him a black eye. I also told him if he ever laid a finger on me again I would phone the police and he would never see me or the dcs again. I stayed but felt I was constantly walking on eggshells. Even though I dont believe he would do it again it was still a worry niggling in the back of my mind. Any ways he is now an ex I couldnt live like that its not fair. Why should I walk on eggshells so as not to upset him? Why should my children be in that atmosphere? . I am pg again to him. I fiund out just after we spkit (not planned) and be has tried to use that to get at me again and even now can be emotionally abusive to me. Calling me all sorts of names etc and says how im such a bad mother blah blah blah.....and yes ots hard, I didnt want to be a single mum to three kids at 23 but I deserve better and so do my children. And so do you op. You amd your children deserve so much more. You deserve to feel safe x

bettyboop1970 · 03/02/2015 19:54

Well done fatty for not putting up with the twat. Better to parent alone than with an abusive twat is my motto!

dunfightin · 03/02/2015 20:01

The only way he will change is if he decides to change and does a huge amount of hard work. There are courses out there - Respect run them but they would be the first to say that he has to be the one to make the call and then follow up. It's like any destructive behaviour - anyone can ask, beg, plead but the only change comes from the person who is responsible for the behaviour.
You didn't cause, provoke or deserve what happened.
As for you, get him to move out and work out what YOU want for you and the DCs.
Yes you may want the marriage but not like this and the anger and violence is what he is offering at the moment. You can't make a marriage on your own but you can be a wonderful mother and bring up some wonderful sons who don't see violence or name calling as a way to get what they want.
Hopefully, your counsellor can help you make sense of this as well and with her/him you can come to see you deserve so much more than this poor excuse for a partner.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2015 20:05

  1. a "sort of hit me"

  2. a head butt

  3. he strangles you

  4. he starts on the kids

think it won't happen ? Well, you thought he would never start at number (1) but he did

the reason he has started now is because he has you trapped and thinks you won't break up your marriage, and it looks like he might be right Sad

Madamecastafiore · 03/02/2015 20:08

Not leaving would make you a failure as a parent imho.

Madamecastafiore · 03/02/2015 20:09

How would you feel in 20 years when you dil walks in with a black eye as your son thought whacking his wife was ok, after all he grew up watching daddy do it to mummy.