has anyones husband ever hit them and then you've stayed together

[LazyDaisy29]

i am new to this and am a little bit nervous. i am looking for advise from similar experiences. please don't be judgmental

ill start from the beginning and try not to ramble

me and my husband have been together 8 years married for 12 weeks
we have 2 boys 7 and 3

over the past 4 months i have been seeing a councillor about different things that have troubled my past and it has really brought a lot of painful feelings to the surface so i have been down but try to remain as normal as possible and save it all for counselling

anyway 3 weeks ago me and my husband ended up having an argument about nothing that escalated pretty quick and he ended up saying i was fat, that i was a rubbish mum, that he wished he never married me and that i was mental! he then walked past me and sort of hit me around the face, it really didn't hurt or even feel like a proper slap but i was shocked none the less.

me and the boys moved out for a few nights and he was really really sorry
i told him that all of that was un acceptable and how could he say those nasty things to me, he said he was just really angry.

then last week i had to take out ds to the doctors, he had left his rubbish from his breakfast all over the kitchen sides, and was laying on the sofa snoozing. i did feel annoyed because id been up with our ds a lot in the night and was tired and then i had to come home to mess and his snoozing, i huffed a little and said i thought you would of tidied up after yourself and he replied saying he hadn't done anything because he was tired. i said i can see that!

anyway again it escalated, as my councillor said he winds me up and winds me up till i explode then starts being nasty, he said i was mental again, i said he wouldn't understand what I've been through and he told me to quite the sob story and man the fuck up! i was devastated and threw a clothes horse across my bedroom cause i was so angry, he walked up to me and head butted me, he then punched me in the side of the head which has resulted in me having a black eye for a week and a half

I've seen my councillor since this happened and he did move out, he has accepted full responsibility. basically i just don't want to break up, i don't want to have a failed marriage after such a small amount of time, i don't want to break up with the father of my children, i don't know why he's done this after 8 years of never laying a finger on me.

i feel like this has opened my eyes to what my life has become and how much i have changed in the past 8 years and i want to get back to who i was

but then having said all that i feel like a fool a massive fool and how did i allow this to happen to me

has anyone ever been through this and stayed and it never happened again
or am i being stupid

please be kind

i don't want to have a failed marriage after such a small amount of time

But you do have a failed marriage already - you're in one. You didn't fail. He failed. It is not a working marriage when one partner knocks the other one about, it's a broken one. And the only sensible thing to do is to sweep up the pieces and close the door behind you.

i don't want to have a failed marriage after such a small amount of time

But love, THIS marriage isn't a success. And that's not your fault. I hope you have the strength to walk away from this vile abuser.

All of your comments have been so helpful and made me open my eyes a bit more

thank you everyone.
mu marriage is a failure and it isn't my fault.
my children deserve a happy child hood and that's why I had children. If he ever hurt my boys I'd want to kill him, I don't think it would get that far but as someone said earlier I never thought this would happen either. better to be safe than sorry. and I can forgive myself for a failed marriage I could never forgive myself if he hurt my boys mentally or pysically. I want them to look back and be proud of me not feel sorry for me x

Proud of you

Hi op, I can only imagine how you feel, I'm really sorry that your husband has done this to you.

You sound really strong and I know you know what to do for the best. There are some wonderful posters here who can offer so much support, so please post here as often as you need to.

One thing mumsnet has taught me is that the majority of abusers follow a very similar pattern. I'm sure he has turned violent because you got married, as others have said, but there might have been signs before that you didn't register. Some things can be so subtle that you don't even realise they were abusive until you look back.

I know from growing up in an abusive home, seeing one parent treat another that way does do a lot of harm to children. Even if he were to never lay a finger on your sons, seeing (or hearing) that will damage them.

Sorry again op.

Daisy, please leave him. You don't deserve this and like someone else has indicated, you are in danger of teaching your children that this is normal behaviour.

Unfortunately in my opinion, many women love too much and some will accept anything. Even on this thread people are saying they stayed after horrendous beatings. Christ knows why.

Being objective. OP, take him out of the picture for the moment. You threw a clothes horse across the room. You get annoyed and irritated with him. I'm sure you say things you wouldn't normally say/do with other people. Your councellor says he winds you up. So this relationship really for you personally isn't working. Think about what you want out of a relationship/life, how you want to be able to engage with your husband. Not like this. So firstly YOU aren't happy here. That should be your very first red flag. You are unhappy.
Now I think couples when they notice this behaviour occurring can work together to fix it.HOwever you have gone way past the point of no return.
His response in an arguement is to lash out, he can't use words anymore. You aren't compatible anymore. That's a fact you have to realise.
I know some people will think once someone raises a hand it will get worse and a person can't change. I disagree. But i do think the relationship is finished with that person.
with my ex i got frustrated with his laziness. I possibly didn't deal with it thebest way but new baby and full time work I felt like i was dealing with a child. He would say similar things in response as yours has said to you. Couldn't have an adult discussion. insults. when that didn't work with me he tried to shove me out of his way. I fell back. I got up and raised my fist and punched him right between the eyes. I remember saying don't you ever think you can bully or hurt me as I'll give as good as i get.
But I knew it was wrong, I knew at that moment any love or admiration or respect we had had gone. I saw my dc who was one stare at us and said no way was i going to let her think this was how to argue like respectful adults. But i wanted it to work for her sake. But when you get to that level it's very hard to forgive/forget. We both realised that our relationship had got to a stage where it was beyond repair. maybe we just didn't like each other anymore, maybe we were never right and hard times pushed us to our limit. who knows, people change. I didn't need to analyse it for one more day. I just knew we couldn't continue. I asked him to leave.
But he is with a lovely woman now, he has never raised a hand to her and they respect each other. I have never reacted to any subsequent partner either.
what you have experienced is far beyond what i have. I am not saying for one minute tostand up for yourself and let him know you can give as good as you get. I don't tolerate bully behaviour or will take it. But i also didn't like who i had become.
My point to you is. don't analyse it for another day. don't rationalise/try to label behaviour or question yourself or him. JUST ACCEPT THAT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE ANYMORE. it's easier to move make a decision to move away from this when it just comes down to one simple word... no!

Sickoffrozen....I am one of the ones who said they stayed. ...I also said I made a mistake and that I realised that me and mydcs deserved better and have told the op that she deserves more aswell. NNo one should have to put up with that in a relationship and it cant work afterwards, its too hard and walking on eggshells isnt right!