Am I a bad person for feeling this way about kids?

[monacgogo88]

Ok this is probably pretty bad to write here, I don’t have kids yet but am currently feeling pressured to have them a bit my parents would love grandchildren, its expected, I’m not getting any younger, what if I regret not having them etc. I have limited experience with babies and children and am somewhat ill at ease with them, I don’t like the way they stare at me, I always feel like I am supposed to fuss over children and the expectation annoys me. I don’t dislike children and babies are interesting to watch as they learn and develop but they are boring and time demanding. I guess to me I don’t see what is so special about them; they are not precious little angels but just people, little people … big deal!
I know I’d probably feel different about my own kids that hormones would kick in and I’d love my baby but I think I’d be changed forever into a Mum and I worry that change would snowball away from me and that I would become someone else without my consent or even my knowledge. I just don’t know if I can make that choice to alter my life for another person if I don’t have to. So many women seem to see babies as almost magical but to me they are just people (very demanding people), they will grow up to be as messed up and as happy and unhappy as everyone else but they aren’t special. I don’t know if I am envious of the way other women see babies and children I listen to them say things like “but it would be someone to love and who would love me” or “wouldn’t you be so proud of them if they became a doctor or a ballet dancer?” Well no, I don’t have any career aspirations for my unborn children and while I am sure I would love my baby I don’t pine for its love.
I don’t much care for animals either; I mean I do like them in the wild but I find people loving and being loved by animals in their own home slightly weird. I am not cold or unfeeling, I am very loving and affectionate with my partner and that is the one thing that makes me seriously think about babies that I think he would like to have a child.
Am I some kind of heartless aberration, sometimes I think I am just realistic and would be as good a mum as anyone but it always comes down to do I want to make a baby that will alter who I am in unknown ways and be my priority forever more?

Yes 'might want them' is one way or another (as opposed to to the other).

I have put my finger on it though...I get the feeling OP feels superior to rather dull minded women who want children.

Not all of us who wanted to have kids thought 'Oh I'd like a ballerina or a doctor'.

Most of us don't see kids as 'magical' little angels comprised of fairy dust and love and joy - we do see them as demanding little people, just like the OP does!

You can be realistic and go into it with your eyes open.

You don't have to be a mushy minded twit to like the idea of parenthood.

It's totally ok not to feel like cooing over other people's children. It doesn't make you heartless, and it doesn't diagnose you with Terminal Lack of Maternal Instinct. It just means that you don't feel like cooing over other people's children.

So don't base your decision on that.

Instead, base it on whether you, personally, want a child.

OP, I think you should make an effort to see a wider variety of people, because it sounds as if it is the unduly child-centric nature of your circle that is making you feel anomalous for not wanting a child, and socially pressured to think your own wishes are 'abnormal'.

I had my only child after almost 40 years of being happily childfree, and perhaps because of the fact that I've been childless for far longer than I've been a parent, I still identify unproblematically with those women who don't want children. I completely get why people make that choice, and think it's perfectly valid, and just as liable to lead to a fulfilled life, no question.

It's also the case that I've also always been surrounded by friends and family who have no children by choice - I'm the only one of four siblings to have had a child, and I have a lot of contentedly childfree friends, many of them gay and/or leading otherwise unconventional lives, so there's no presumption of 'marriage, mortgage plus 2.4 kids' as somehow the norm.

However, if you are seriously considering having a child because you want to, don't feel you should be desperately longing for one, or be 'naturally maternal', whatever that means, in order to 'qualify'. I have no interest in babies or children in general, any more than I have in 'people in general', spent a highly ambivalent pregnancy, and I remain the same ambitious, impatient, bookish person I was before I had my lovely son. Mothers come in as many different varieties as there are people. You won't become unrecognisable to yourself.

Apart from my own child, who I think is alternatively adorable and a pain, I don't connect with kids either.

Just because you find other people's kids weird or hard to connect with doesn't mean yours will be an alien.

It absolutely does not make you a bad person! And I would say that increasing amounts of women feel the same way.

I think you sound like a really realistic person, who realises that parenthood isn't this dreamy experience of floating on pink clouds with a charmingly gurgling little person, but a hard and boring slog at times and one that still in many cases involves disproportionate sacrifices of career and other aspirations from the woman.

I think you also probably realise a brutal truth about parenthood, which is that you can't make shaping another person into a life project, because at the end of the day, they will grow up to be a being with a will and choices of their own, which you need to be able to respect (and only a fraction of parents really manage that - just check out the threads on relations with mothers for the evidence). At the end of the day, there are a million ways to fail at being a parent, to the point that pretty much everyone will to some degree or other - there's just really bad and less bad and okish. (Just as there are a million ways to fail at being a human being).

However, I don't think you have to think parenthood is going to be perfect to do it. You can do it with your eyes open and still be a great Mum if you want - in fact, I suspect that this may be the better way in the long run. But you can also choose not to if you want!

DrSeth wow, you spent a lot of time on my reply. I am sorry you are childless, but only if you are sorry. How absolutely furious you seem. Isn't Sarcasm a form of bullying?

Just to clarify, I don't think anyone should have children if they don't want to.
The Post was asking for opinions, wasn't she? She said ' Will I regret having them? Doesn't that beg an answer of some kind?

I think she WILL regret not having them. . I am also quite sure that she will make her own mind up. She is articulate and intelligent, you can see that from her post, but she asked for an opinion.

I thought I was just looking at things from a different perspective.

I don't know anyone personally who isn't in touch with their children. I know there are some, as I read about them on Mumsnet.

However, just as I believe 2/3 of marriages still are relatively successful I think most Parents see their children. ( maybe I am wrong as I didn't Google the stastistics)

Of course having children is a leap in the dark, as is embarking on any other relationship. However I don't know anyone of my acquaintances who regret having children. I do know people who haven't had any who regret that they haven't got any .

I never gave children a thought before I had my first child. I certainly didn't think that they might help me in my old age. It is one of the unexpected bonuses.

Some people do regret having children. Thankfully it's a very small minority, but they are out there. They just don't talk about it in public.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/781410-Does-anyone-else-regret-having-children

It is perfectly OK not to like kids in general, or to not want your own.

I don't like most kids. My daughter, on the other hand, I adore. She has brought unimaginable happiness and love to me and my partner. And yes, she is very hard work, often! I am fascinated by her, but can also be bored out my mind by some of the more repetitive games she likes.

So my view is don't decide not to have kids because you are worried you won't love them, or that you will find them dull. You will love your kids, and you will find them equally dull and fascinating!

If you decide not to have kids do so because it just isn't for you. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks one way or the other.

I am in a very similar situation mona and I totally hear you about the family and society pressure but also the horror of my lovely life and career being taken over by a child. My friend has a one year old and I can't have a conversation with her anymore because all her time is taken with what seems like exhausting drudgery, it has shocked me to see how hard it is to bring up a child and I have built a life around what I want to do and am happy with this. My DH is more into kids than me but ambivalent about having one. It is a tough one.

Of course your nor heartless .

You sound like an interesting, responsible and self aware person. Just be open with your partner about how you feel. Dc turn your life upside down and whilst they are little, there's precious little time for the parents to focus on each other much or on themselves.

Enjoy your slightly alternative life, make the most of it and "be yourself". I love my dc but the have taken over my life. Parenting seems to be that way these days.

I feel like you OP, and I'm a mum of one. I absolutely love my child, but I'm still not child centric and never will be. She is an individual and is treated as such. I don't have any female friends who can relate to my feelings towards children, and it can be very isolating.

I'm now considering have another child as I'm recently married and my husband would like a child, and I'm tempted as I know now that I can love it. My daughter was not planned and I was a lone parent.

You are not heartless, nor does not being maternal make a Woman heartless, just makes us a little different from the norm.

It's your decision ultimately, good luck

If you don't want children don't. I have a ds, wouldn't be without him, but given my time over, wouldn't do it again.
I had this thought 16 ish years ago, let's have a baby, then when they passed him to me I thought. Wtf. 2 years later I was a single mother. Totally with hellbound on this one.

All that matters is what you and your partner want.

I've got friends that don't have kids, those that do but aren't tge stereotypical devoted parents, and those that live for their kids to exclusion of all else.

My friends who don't have kids don't regret it, some of those that do wouldn't give them up but if they'd known they'd not of had them, and there are those of us who wouldn't ever have chosen a life without kids.

Point is, you're best placed to know, don't let anyone else think they know you better.

I think if you were going to regret not having children in the future your hormones would be screaming at you about now to get on with it. They're not, so I suspect it just isn't a thing for you and most unlikely that it ever will be. You can't send it back if you change your mind (flippant but true!), and at 4am when a little red-faced squashed-looking creature is yelling its head off for the fifth night in a row and won't settle for love nor money, all those people who put pressure on you to have a lovely little baby will be conspicuous by their absence.

I have a massive maternal instinct, myself, and would probably have been very miserable if I hadn't had any (that's not to say I'm particularly good at the mothering business, I just felt driven to become one); conversely I know several women, family, friends and colleagues, most of them a lot more feminine than me, who have not a maternal bone in their bodies and would no doubt have been quite miserable if circumstances had compelled them to procreate. Some just don't see the point of babies, others are actively horrified at the idea. So you're not even unusual, let alone unnatural.

I snorted a bit at the suggestion that you need children to ensure you're not ripped off in your old age. Some poor old souls have had to be saved by the dreaded social services from utter poverty and neglect after their own children ripped them off. On the other hand, some children have health needs, for example, that mean you are their carer for the rest of your life and need to make arrangements for their ongoing care when you're gone, rather than the other way round. You never know what the future holds.

Besides, as someone already said upthread, in this age of overpopulation you're not doing the human race any favours by having more of the buggers.

In conclusion, as most other posters have said, never have a child unless it is really what you want to do.

I was 42 having my dd, and I'm still not sure if I wanted kids or not. It IS a leap in the dark, and you can't really send them back once they're here, can you?

I found the baby stage easy, and enjoyable; the toddler stage difficult and tedious. But in general I think I enjoyed being a mother better more before dd started school, not because of anything to do with her, but because of the cultural expectations of parents these days. I didn't really "get" that bit (meaning other parents competing with each other/ jealousy over whose child gets Mary in the Nativity.....and so on. ).

I think as long as you're pragmatic, and you seem a sensible, grounded person, you'll be ok, if a bit broke. I think the ups outweigh the downs but do it because YOU want to, not to please others.

Many, many women don't have children, a lot through choice. Its not that unusual or weird any more. Your mum will get over you not having kids once the ship has sailed. At least you can make provision for your future on the basis that you don't have children rather than on the basis that your children will help you out in your old age. No need for the angst. We always regret something in our life, whether it is not going on as many holidays to not having children. You can't live your life for other people just in case they are right and you are wrong!

I have been really lucky, I think, in that I have a lot of female family members who haven't had children. They have been my cool aunties - who got to give me back! I like children, but I really don't think one is for me. I like my odd little life, being the comic relief for friends' kids - it's what I do - they say it takes a village to raise a child, I'm part of that village.
I have had my fill of my Ddad and DM's needs already - 20 years ago it started, when they split up, and my DD got ill - I was still in my teens, and I was obliged to deal with stuff. I am the responsible adult for both of them - as is DP with his DM - we know that in the next few years we've got a hell of a lot on our plates.

Oddly enough, when DM bought up the fact that my ovaries were shrivelling (I'm in my late 30's), I told her what I'd promised myself that first time - I wasn't going to have children if this is what's required of them. It's not fair. She understands where I'm coming from, I did have to put it quite directly!

I have a colleague who suggested I should adopt! She can't understand life without DC - but my life is so different from hers. None of my friends have kids, we all have pets, none of us expect our pets to look after us if something goes wrong. I'm pretty sure our lives are not diminished because of the lack of kids - we've all got enough on our respective plates without trying to add children into the equation.

OP - if you are still reading this - you are in a circle of people who don't reflect your lifestyle - this doesn't mean you are wrong.

I never wanted or liked children. I now have a DD. I wouldn't say I like children anymore than I did before, but I love her, she is different

I still find her annoying at times though and generally feel uncomfortable around children.

To add to that, children love me for some reason….I think they can smell my fear

I'm not keen on other people's children, I think babies are cute but I'm not keen. I find children to be annoying, to be honest. Even my nephews and nieces which sounds terrible. My feelings made me worried about having a child.

But I tell you what, I love my own son more than I can explain. He's 15 months and I've spent every second with him and I just adore him in every single way. I now want more kids because I know that I'll feel the same way about them.

You don't have to like children in general to be a good parent. But if you're not sure you need to think long and har, as you obviously are doin.

Oh dear some letters haven't typed. Hard and doing that should be!

I have a lovely DS who turned 1 today. He's wonderful and I love him dearly. I had him because, well, it's what you do isn't it? DH and we're both 30 and happily married, so why shouldn't we have a child?

Only, I had never really been bothered by children and I certainly didn't have any maternal instinct. I thought it would change when I got pregnant. It didn't. Maybe I'd feel more positive once I gave birth. I didn't. The baby blues turned into post natal depression. I've missed months of my son's life because I was deep in a teary fog. I'm getting better, but I still have truly awful days when I just want to run away.

My point is that if you're not sure about having children, don't. Sure, it all works out for some. For other people, like me, it doesn't. My son didn't ask to be born, so I have to do my best for him and I really do try. You hear parents say "oh kids are hard work, but it's worth it", but I'm not there yet. One day maybe, but not yet.

In Japan and Italy the majority of women are not having children. It's being called some sort of "crisis" but it's basically just women enjoying their lives and realising that for them having a child won't necessarily improve what is already a nice life. It means, of course, that that can retain a level of independence that they couldn't have if they had children.

Anyway, lots of women are making the same decision as you.

I was always dead against children, hated babies, love doing things that you genuinely can't do if you have children, unlike a lot of people in their mid 30's I still love to go out partying till the early hours of the morning etc. We were never into children at all. However I took a punt on it as everyone else loves their kids so much. We're currently pregnant with our 1st and I've gone from horror, to pure excitement. Unless you're cold and emotionally detached you'll fall in love with your baby. I couldn't get 100% comfortable with the idea of not having a family, if you have doubts then maybe like me you're not actually that comfortable with the idea of not having your own family.