Am I a bad person for feeling this way about kids?

[monacgogo88]

Ok this is probably pretty bad to write here, I don’t have kids yet but am currently feeling pressured to have them a bit my parents would love grandchildren, its expected, I’m not getting any younger, what if I regret not having them etc. I have limited experience with babies and children and am somewhat ill at ease with them, I don’t like the way they stare at me, I always feel like I am supposed to fuss over children and the expectation annoys me. I don’t dislike children and babies are interesting to watch as they learn and develop but they are boring and time demanding. I guess to me I don’t see what is so special about them; they are not precious little angels but just people, little people … big deal!
I know I’d probably feel different about my own kids that hormones would kick in and I’d love my baby but I think I’d be changed forever into a Mum and I worry that change would snowball away from me and that I would become someone else without my consent or even my knowledge. I just don’t know if I can make that choice to alter my life for another person if I don’t have to. So many women seem to see babies as almost magical but to me they are just people (very demanding people), they will grow up to be as messed up and as happy and unhappy as everyone else but they aren’t special. I don’t know if I am envious of the way other women see babies and children I listen to them say things like “but it would be someone to love and who would love me” or “wouldn’t you be so proud of them if they became a doctor or a ballet dancer?” Well no, I don’t have any career aspirations for my unborn children and while I am sure I would love my baby I don’t pine for its love.
I don’t much care for animals either; I mean I do like them in the wild but I find people loving and being loved by animals in their own home slightly weird. I am not cold or unfeeling, I am very loving and affectionate with my partner and that is the one thing that makes me seriously think about babies that I think he would like to have a child.
Am I some kind of heartless aberration, sometimes I think I am just realistic and would be as good a mum as anyone but it always comes down to do I want to make a baby that will alter who I am in unknown ways and be my priority forever more?

holeinmyheart said "Of course no one should have children because of the following reason but you may end up totally alone. My DH's DM is in Hospital and has multiple things wrong with her. There are other old ladies on the ward and they have NO visitors because they have NO ONE. They have no one to look out for them or stick up for them and protect them from groomers or unkindness. Their friends are old like them and their relatives have died."

And for every elderly person with no family there is an elderly person with family that never sees them. And you are basically suggesting someone should have a child in your scenario, despite your saying "it's not a good reason". It's bullshit because:
a) it isn't necessarily true
b) it basically suggests the childfree must be sad and lonely
c) all children will be wonderful to their parents
d) a child deserves better than to be born just to try and stop you feeling lonely - you can get dogs and cats for that

Just because YOU, hole, can't imagine not having children, doesn't mean everyone has to feel the same. The OP has said she feels pressured by family and in those situations you can be so guilt tripped or made to feel abnormal. And then you go and pull the same shit her family does. Nice.

So, hole, should all of us childfree or childless people just go and get impregnated by sperm donors before we hit 40, just to be on the safe side?

I agree with holeinmyheart , there will come a time when you need your children, and hopefully if you raised them well they be there for you.

Elderly get treated terribly and more and more the government are looking to relatives to care for them. I like to think if I'm in an abusive care home my daughter will look out for me.

Rebecca surely you should have children because YOU feel a huge maternal NEED, not as some security blanket for your old age?

I wonder who feels lonelier at age 75 - the person who never had kids, or the person whose kids never see them or help them?

I think you are completely normal. Just as people who do coo over babies are completely normal. There is no law of nature which says that ALL women must adore children and have a huge drive to breed.

So no, there's nothing wrong with you. I do think that there is something very lovely about babies, as they have all this huge potential in them (whether or not it gets realised) and it's weird to think of the world they will grow into.

At the same time, it is quite sickening (for me) when people go on about special precious angels and all that.

Don't let anyone pressure you into doing something as life changing as children. If you aren't sure, then just don't. It isn't something you can just undo if you decide you don't like it. I think your mother probably has good intentions, but is being selfish. She's passed the phase in her life where she has had children, and now wants to re-live that through you. It's normal, but she would be wrong to put pressure on you.

If you don't want people to keep asking you about it, there is one sure fire method of getting them to shut up.

The next time they start asking about when you are going to have kids, look to the side, sigh sadly, look at the floor and say "well, err..actually I can't have children..." and just let it hang in the air.

Guaranteed look of horror on their faces, and they should never mention it again.

If they do, then just pretend to cry and walk away.

That should do it.

Frankly it's none of their business anyway!!!!!

Rebecca2014 - your post is so weird.

What if your children die before you? What if they move overseas and you barely see them? What if they have to move to the other side of the country for work? Would you follow them? What if they "let you down" when you need them?

A parent is obligated to look after their child, but the reverse isn't true. It's very sad to have such a huge expectation of them. And really sad that you see your children basically as a retirement package.

I knew from a very early age that I didn't want children. DH was ambivalent - I think he'd have actually been a good dad, but he wasn't bothered. I'm now entering menopause and have no regrets at all.

We have seen many of our friend's relationships/marriages crack under the strain of having children. My BIL and SIL had their dd when they were in their late thirties/early forties and it nearly broke them. Their relationship has been changed for ever, and my SIL admits BIL is not the man she thought he was, having seen the way he behaved when their dd was small.

My own DSis has 2 lovely boys but suffered for years from undiagnosed PND. She admits she wishes now that she'd not spent all their childhood as a SAHM; she admits now she was bored out of her tree most of the time.

I think some people have children and enjoy the experience. Some people have children and don't really enjoy the experience, however much they love their children. Some people would love children and for many reasons don't have them. Some people choose not to have children and are perfectly happy with that decision.

It is OK not to want children, and you should not be pressured into it by anyone.

Having kids so they can look after you in old age is utterly ridiculous, for all the reasons given by dogelove.
I know an elderly couple, both in very poor health, who only see their eldest son once a year. He lives an hour away from them. He's a selfish twat who just doesn't care about anyone else. Their youngest son lives in the US and makes more effort to see them but still only gets over to the UK every 4 months or so.

It's fine not to want children.

I had no maternal instinct whatsoever. I proudly told anyone who would listen that I was never having children. Then I suddenly changed my mind and my 2 year old DD is my proudest achievement.

Don't force yourself to have feelings you don't have yet, there's no rush.

Fwiw, I didn't like or understand children much before I had one of my own but now I think they're alright

SugarOnTop are you me?

I'm also nearly 35 and knew from a very young age that I didn't want kids. I lost a lovely boyfriend because of it last year and I do get pangs of guilt knowing my mum won't be a grandmother (my brother doesn't want any either and is autistic so it wouldn't be a great idea anyway) BUT at the end of the day it's my life. Don't let anyone else pressure you into it. It's got to be 100% your decision.

Another in the same boat here. I'm not one for cooing over babies, my niece is lovely but god she's demanding.

I like the idea of grown up children, like the relationship I have with my parents is great.

Wish there was an answer either way, to be ambivalent is horrible.

I’m a 33 year old only child, and also childless by choice, and I identify with a lot of what you’ve said. Probably the only bit that’s not the same is that I love animals – I’m a vet so it’s kind of a prerequisite of the job, and I have 2 dogs of my own who I utterly adore, but they’re not ‘child substitutes’, they’re way more awesome than that

I know my Mum would love me to have kids, but luckily she’s very cool about it and would never guilt trip or pressure me over it. She wants me to be happy above all, and she knows that, thus far anyway, settling down is just not for me. I travel a lot, usually 3-4 months every year, and while she and DSD are happy to have the dogs, I’m not sure that I could ditch a kid with them for a few months at a time while I go ice climbing in Patagonia or trekking to Everest Base Camp. Even if she did pressure me to have children though it wouldn’t be the right reason to do it, although I get that it would be difficult and I would feel a degree of guilt – and also undoubtedly resentment – about it. It is more difficult when you’re an only child, but it’s still not a reason to do anything so completely life-changing if you don’t really want it.

A lot of my friends have children now, and although I like most of them well enough, in small doses, and see how special they are to their parents, I’ve yet to feel remotely broody or maternal myself. It may yet happen at some point that I do, I’ve never said never, but so far I can’t imagine it. I’m in a relationship but he is about as ambivalent as I am about having children. I also have quite a few friends who are childless by choice, some are my age and some are older. Some of them may go on to have kids at some point, but a few are very certain they will never do it, even more so than I am, so I don’t feel like an odd one out in my peer group. I have ended a previous LTR due to him wanting marriage and children and me really not, and I am always very upfront with people that I may get involved with about it as I wouldn’t want to be in that situation again. Because of the kind of people I tend to attract and be attracted to – mostly travel obsessives like me - it’s not usually an issue though.

I’m extremely happy with my life and very confident about my choices and decisions, so other people’s opinions don’t really bother me and never have done. However you’d have to be blind or stupid not to notice a definite attitude from some parents towards people who choose not to have children. If there are any phrases that ever make me want to smack someone in the mouth it’s the old ‘you never understand real love until you have children’ ‘life is so shallow and meaningless until you have children’ etc. etc. It’s fair enough if the pinnacle of your existence is having children, but some people can’t seem to grasp that not everyone feels like the main/only achievement of their life would be having procreated. I don't feel the need to 'achieve' via my offspring, if I want to do something I'll do it myself. I think those types think that I’m kidding myself though, which is fine, they can think what they like, but if I was in a situation where I desperately wanted to have kids but couldn’t then that attitude really would be horrible to have to deal with. The whole ‘have children because you’ll need them in your dotage’ thing also strikes me as rather selfish. There’s also no guarantee that it’ll happen anyway, regardless of how well you bring them up – people emigrate, people get sick themselves and even die, people have their own families/other priorities (the selfish bastards!!), so when push comes to shove they may well not be there, or not want to be there, to look after you.

As for regret, well, that’s always a possibility, but that’s the chance you take with anything in life. I can only make decisions based on how I feel at the time, so ruining my present by having children I don’t really want because I’m afraid that I might regret not having done it at some point in the future would (to me) be ridiculous. Not to mention unfair to the children. I’ve seen so many previously interesting people seemingly lose their identity after having a child, turning into the classic ‘baby bore’ (not everyone, but it’s a definite trend), and the thought of that happening to me terrifies me. Although there is part of me that would really like to piss off the uber judgemental holier than thou types who like to spout off regularly on Facebook about breastfeeding/slings/co-sleeping – sometimes it would almost be worth having a kid so that (regardless of what way I actually chose to bring it up) I could horrify them with regular status updates about my poor un-attachment-parented bottle-fed child. Or post that it’s ok but I still prefer the dogs – although that one would probably be true

Jeez, I just realised how long this is, sorry for the essay! On-call last night so not at my most concise today

If you don't want them don't have them. It is a myth that all women are maternal.

" ‘you never understand real love until you have children’ ‘life is so shallow and meaningless until you have children’ "

Kind of sad if people can't enjoy living for themselves and pin their entire lives on children.

yes they are wonderful (imo!) but they're not the reason to live and saying that you never understand real love til then is just ... well, it's plain stupid.

Mother Teresa, Isaac Newton, Leonardo da Vinci, Florence Nightingale... totally meaningless lives, obviously...

I don't really want kids, a lot of my friends have them and their lives have mainly changed for the worst. They're constantly running around after their children, taking them places and cleaning up after them etc. Not to mention that they no longer have as much money and a few are struggling to stay afloat.

Don't get me wrong, I think children are wonderful but me and the missus like doing what we want rather than having our lives dictated by a three year old. If we ever have children it'll be because we want them, not because it's expected of us.

Agree I understand real love already, love my family and my pets!

I'm 38, I have no children of my own, although my partner does, and I have a wonderful nephew and niece. I adore children, I just never have felt the desire to have any of my own. I'm very happy.

And as for old age - why should you be alone? I have younger friends, and intend to continue to have an active life with people who care about me for the rest of my life.

I never had what you might call a 'maternal instinct.' Not in the slightest. I wanted kids, I wanted a family, but I never felt any kind of primal desire to have kids. Nor am I at all natural dealing with children. To me, they're people. That's it. Just human being with a particular set of needs.

I'm glad I had my two. I love them to bits, and we have a pretty decent, normal parent-child relationship, but I am not at all sentimental about childhood, babies, being a mother.

The hardest part for me was the pre-school years when you had to be emotionally and physically there for them every single minute of the day (and that's the age when they tell you You Have The Greatest Influence Over Your Children, so teach them to play Rachmaninov NOW). I envy those who know how to talk to their babies and children, because I used to spend hours each day wondering what the hell to say to my three-year-old, what faces to make, what noises to come out with, and worrying that I was harming her language development with all this stage fright, because I clearly wasn't tuned in to her needs the way I should be. That said, neither of my DCs seem to have significant problems (well, actually I wonder if my DS is dyslexic but that's a whole other thread, and nothing to do with my parenting - I hope) and now that they're 13 and 11 I'm actually rather enjoying being their mum. For now. I did know after the second one I didn't want any more, though. Two was emotionally and physically quite enough.

I can only say, you're the only one who can make this decision, OP. Don't get swayed by descriptions of being emotionally swept along by parenthood. It happens that way for some people, but not for others. It didn't for me. I'm not even a particularly natural mum. But I don't regret having my kids. I have two friends who opted never to have any, mainly for physical and mental health reasons. They don't regret it either. Just a thought - if the decision was taken out of your hands and you found that you couldn't have kids, how would you feel? Relieved or upset? That might be a clue to what you really want.

A couple of other considerations.

Does your partner want DC, and with you?

If you're not married, who is currently the higher earner/has the most assets? Would the plan be to both work FT, one or both work pT or SAH? I ask because if you are the lower earner and likely to be the one reducing or stopping work, it'd be better in terms of legal and financial security to be married if you did have DC.

Your parents' wishes aren't relevant here, and nor should they interfere in other choices you make (jobs etc).

Why would anyone think you are wrong or 'heartless' to not want children?

It's a perfectly acceptable, fairly commonplace position to take in life.

You would be very foolish to have children for your parents or anyone else.

You are right they are hard work and extremely demanding.

I wanted kids and have three daughters. They make me very happy. But it's been tiring, hard work so if my heart wasn't in it..would be pretty bleak.

I don't and never did think of children as 'magical' - how ridiculous. I didn't 'pine' for them.

Something in your OP has slightly irritated me. Can't put my finger on it. Is it the language ('magical' etc) that somehow suggests women who want kids are a bit dim?

Or is it simply that most of us feel one way or another (do want kids, don't want them/might want them) and don't need to make a huge Shakespearian drama out of it!

"Might want them" isn't "one way or another" though is it! I feel great sympathy for women who are at an age when they really need to decide but just can't. It's such a huge, huge thing.