We do drinkers resent non drinkers?

[violeta45]

I am 39 and I don't drink, never have beyond the odd experiment in my late teens and twenties becuase I don't like the taste or enjoy the feeling of being drunk it just always makes me feel seedy and grubby and to be honest I just don't understand why anyone enjoys it but of course different strokes. Same goes for smoking and drugs it was just never for me, I prefer a nice cup of tea.

The issue is even now at my age the fact I don't drink seems to be an issue when I socialise and meet new people. I find a lot of men and women in my age group still drink a lot of booze and when they are drinking (most social events) they don't have much time for a non drinker or they assume I have perviously had a drinking problem. I don't mind anyone having a drink but its a bit annoying when I am regarded as the problem for not drinking rather than those who do. The truth is I think a lot of people, nice middle class professional men and women have borderline drink problems. I certainly am aware of at least a couple of marriges held together by the 2 or 3 bottles of wine they get through most nights. I can hardly believe it is socially acceptable for people to drink so much when smokers and fat people are treated like pariahs!

If anything many drinkers have a problem not me so why do they make a big deal about it, making faces and comments when I'm not boozing with them either that or trying to pressure me into drinking. I feel like giving up being sociable altogether!

I have admittedly few friends who don't drink but one SIL with whom we spend our summer holidays each year doesn't drink and it has never occurred to me that it would be an issue. She has taken a life long pledge not to drink alcohol and she doesn't seem to have an issue with drinkers. We certainly would never see a reason to question her on it. It seems like a great thing to do.

I do agree that there are a lot of people problem drinking in this part of the world.

I remember at the wedding of a good friend there were 14 of us on a table, all around 30 years old, and none of us were drinking and obviously not because we were all driving as we were with partners.

Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't. No big deal with our friends.

I think perhaps in my area it is just especially bad, with a lot of people drinking to extremes at parties even in their 40's. I really don't have a problem with people drinking but would like to see more moderation.

There was an article about this i remember reading. I don't drink either btw.

I said something like - by not drinking, the non drinker suggests (whether real or not) to the drinker that what they are doing is wrong. So they get defensive and blame the non drinker before even considering that maybe they shouldnt have that 10th pint.

I drink.

I couldn't give a shit whether other people do or not.

Are you single or in a relationship?

It depends on how non drinkers let others know thy're non drinkers, some do it in a "holier than thou" style which is irritating, to say the least.

Some of my friends don't drink and it doesn't worry me in the slightest. I only think they get a hard time if they go on about it.

As someone who has seen both sides:

I don't think it's a question of seeing you as a "problem" or resenting you for not drinking.

In my experience it's partly because they simply cannot comprehend it. Completely aside from actual drinking problems, alcohol is a major part of many people's lives. Champagne to celebrate, cocktails when you're out with the girls having fun, pimms in summer lazing with a picnic, wine with dinner or in the bath relaxing...etc.

So when someone comes along and says "oh I don't drink" they basically are a bit stumped because it cuts out such a large aspect of their lives.

I think it's also partly because they assume they won't have that much in common with you, as they can't relate to it. Although this was a bigger problem in my twenties than thirties. I'm surprised actually that it's still considered such a big deal at your age - in your thirties lots of women tend to stop drinking through getting pregnant, or breastfeeding or whatever, so I would have thought the concept of not drinking would be so alien.

*wouldn't be so alien

The fact that you feel seedy and grubby makes it sound like you may have a few control issues and are a bit judgemental and people are responding to that.

I'm a fairly heavy drinker but DH is teetotal. Our friendship group consists of a variety of drinkers and non-drinkers and nobody cares.

To be honest your post has come across a little bit as though you judge drinkers. I imagine they pick up on this and that's why they appear defensive or resentful.

I drink. Not loads as I have a toddler (not at all at the moment as I'm pregnant). Really couldn't care less if other people drink or not, my best friend doesn't drink at all. I would care if non drinkers were judging my drinking though, as I imagine they would be defensive if I judged their non drinking.

I think they do get a hard time. It is like people are suspicious of them. My friend doesn't drink and doesn't go on about it at all in fact if she could let it go unnoticed she would. But people are always trying to convince her to have a drink, go on, just one, let your hair down etc. It is as if they think she won't be able to have as much fun without one. I don't eat meat and am in no position to preach to anyone but have had countless conversations with people trying to tell me I should, even though I never tell anyone they shouldn't. But seems people like you to be the same as them for whatever reason you have chosen.

I rarely drink now, got it all out of my system in my 20s I think. I used to find the same issues as OP; people thinking I was 'odd' or 'boring' or on a few occasions, a recovered alcoholic.

As I've got older though I have made more friends that don't drink either, none of us have an issue with it or with other having a drink, it's just not something we do.

I've had a few knocks/digs in the last month though. A number of friends decided to do 'Dryathlon' and were quite forceful/demanding of sponsorship for it. I didn't sponsor any of them (8 people)

When I am drunk I act and sound like an idiot. I don't want my friends to see me like that unless they are similarly compromised.

When I am not drunk I find drunk people tiresome and irritating. I resent having to clean up after them and remember the stupid things they say which they would never even think without the booze.

So I have drinking friends and non drinking friends and socialise with them separately.

I don't eat meat and am in no position to preach to anyone but have had countless conversations with people trying to tell me I should, even though I never tell anyone they shouldn't.

Yes, I was just thinking it was a similar situation to vegetarianism - the majority of people (in this country anyway) regularly eat meat and when I was eating veggie years ago, some people seemed to almost feel it like a personal affront if you said you were a veggie. To the point of some people waving sausages or burgers in my face and saying "Go on, you know you want a bite". Erm, no thanks...

I think the majority of people don't have any sort of problem with alcohol but they can't imagine ever cutting it out of their diet - the same as meat. So they react like "What, why?!" But there will always be the odd dickhead who goes "Oh come on, just have one! Go ooooonnnn!" and I think those tend to be the people who do have a problem and want everyone else to partake so they can carry on kidding themselves that everyone drinks.

Quite seriously, I think the people you mix with must be very immature to comment at all, let alone berate you for it..

I go through periods of drinking lightly, not drinking at all, drinking moderately with the odd heavy night. No one gives a shiny shit. It is never, ever a subject commented on. Other than "what would you like to drink?".

Maybe it's an age thing, but I don't think so, because I've never come across it. Apart from on mn.

I also think you sound judgemental about drinkers.

MIL doesn't drink. I do. I think, good for her, none of my business. However, she regularly makes derogatory comments re drinkers therefore I feel judged when having a glass of wine in her presence.

doge that's a good point - alcohol is entwined in many parts of some people's lives so when you don't want a drink, you can be seen as odd.

My SIL had a birthday dinner once (she turned up a bit worse for wear) and DH decided not to drink as we were trying to lose weight. We had a lovely time and went to a bar after for a few soft drinks with her and the family. She then took us to the side and had a go at us for not drinking - 'Why would you do this to me on my birthday?"
We genuinely hadn't made a big deal about not drinking, just acted normally and certainly not made it about us at all.
It's just that we (meaning our families - mine is the same) think birthday, we think champagne et al to celebrate. And by refusing it, it had caused offence.
She didn't actually remember it the next day, so all was well, I suppose.
Actually now I remember, MIL was fine with me not drinking but kept trying to force a drink down DH's throat.

The only comment on drinking i have heard is from a non-drinking friend who stated that she 'didn't need alcohol to enjoy herself', thereby suggesting that I did. It was a bit 'fuck you, wino' tbh.

I drank like a rather thirsty fish in my 20s, couldn't afford to in my 30s, and went completely off the taste after the birth of dc.

I'd certainly never rub someone else's nose in it.

You could ask me why I NEED all that chocolate, or that third pair of knee high boots, or that first edition Lady Chatterly's Lover even though I already have a 1992 Penguin edition. Ad infinitum.

I don't find it an issue now I'm in my 40s, but in my 20s, I did know people who couldn't get their head round the fact you could be in a pub and not have an alcoholic drink - but I was there to see my friends more than anything else.

One bloke refused to get me a glass of water when he was getting a round in, despite me saying it was what I wanted - there's a limit to the amount of acidic fruit juice or Coke I want to drink in an evening, and I do actually like water. In fact, the main reason I mostly gave up drinking was when I realised I preferred the taste of drinks without alcohol. (Not the only reason, but the main one.)

I don't like tea or coffee, either. That confuses people, too.

I think it must be the way you are transmitting the message, I haven't drunk any alcohol for about 15 years and I just quietly say, oh I don't drink alcohol, I'll have a diet coke please and it's never an issue and no-one ever tries to convince me to drink. I have met lots of people including my husband (who has never seen me drunk) after stopping drinking.

I think your attitude about drink must be coming through a bit although I do agree drinking is the 'norm'.

You seem to disapprove of drinkers, why should they not disapprove of you back? I would disapprove of someone who thought I was "seedy, grubby, and probably had a drink problem" because I chose to have a couple of drinks on a night out.

Do you just say "No thanks" when people offer you a drink? Or do you say "I don't drink"? If you are nonjudgemental and don't go on about not drinking, no one will bother you except a few twats.

I am vegetarian and don't enjoy most cakes / chocolates, so I get a few irritating people trying to "tempt" me, but as long as I am totally low key about it, most people don't notice or care.

Like Hairtoday I'm not a big social drinker and I never get it remarked upon. I spent most of a recent (late) office Christmas party sipping either coffee or mineral water and no-one said a thing. I'd had a glass of champagne earlier in the evening and that was enough. Either you need new friends or find ways to socialise that aren't always in a setting where alcohol is flowing.