We do drinkers resent non drinkers?

[violeta45]

I am 39 and I don't drink, never have beyond the odd experiment in my late teens and twenties becuase I don't like the taste or enjoy the feeling of being drunk it just always makes me feel seedy and grubby and to be honest I just don't understand why anyone enjoys it but of course different strokes. Same goes for smoking and drugs it was just never for me, I prefer a nice cup of tea.

The issue is even now at my age the fact I don't drink seems to be an issue when I socialise and meet new people. I find a lot of men and women in my age group still drink a lot of booze and when they are drinking (most social events) they don't have much time for a non drinker or they assume I have perviously had a drinking problem. I don't mind anyone having a drink but its a bit annoying when I am regarded as the problem for not drinking rather than those who do. The truth is I think a lot of people, nice middle class professional men and women have borderline drink problems. I certainly am aware of at least a couple of marriges held together by the 2 or 3 bottles of wine they get through most nights. I can hardly believe it is socially acceptable for people to drink so much when smokers and fat people are treated like pariahs!

If anything many drinkers have a problem not me so why do they make a big deal about it, making faces and comments when I'm not boozing with them either that or trying to pressure me into drinking. I feel like giving up being sociable altogether!

I have friends who don't drink who I never even realised didn't drink because they've never made a big song and dance about it. Like most women who've had children or been ttc at various points, I've gone through long periods of sobriety and my friends have never 'made faces and comments'.

So either you need to get some new friends or you're being irksome and bosom hoiky.

Only you know which.

In my experience it has been a feeling that crept up on me rather than a sudden Road to Damascus moment.

10 years ago I had a boss who was an alcoholic and I went through the experience of watching his descent into rehab, losing his job, friends and marriage in the process.

Plus I had to deal with the direct effect on me - his drinking affected my ability to do my job, because his erratic behaviour led to messages not getting passed on, meetings being missed, etc, and me unable to explain to clients why work hadn't been done, because in the climate that had developed, nobody was acknowledging what was going on.

This was all 10 years ago: it didn't stop me drinking then, and I don't suppose I'll ever be completely teetotal, (though drink very rarely now), but I feel that I'm still processing the effect that experience had on me, and now I struggle to be in the company of people who drink heavily. It makes me feel stressed and uncomfortable.

I do also have the current issue of a relative who drinks too much.
This isn't a case for rehab, really, more of an elder person whose health is slowly failing and alcohol is a contributory factor. What makes me uncomfortable in this case is seeing this person drink a huge amount in front of children. I don't want my DCs growing up thinking this is normal - but I'm powerless to influence what happens with this person.

So the short answer is, it's a very complex, confusing and upsetting situation. I like a drink. I don't want to be a 'non-drinker' - but I'm not sure I can handle being around heavy drinkers any more.

Same position. Don't drink.friends on school run leave me out because of it and feel pushed out as actually can be fun to be around without consuming wine.

The school run friends have actually told you that they leave you out specifically because you don't drink?

I don't drink either.

I used to in my late teens/early 20's, was out clubbing most weekends with friends.

Hate it now, the taste, the feeling of being out of control, no thank you.
I do wonder when people drink wine at home, do they do it because they like the taste or to get a bit tipsy? People seem to drink an awful lot. A bottle of wine several times a week. Don't know how they get up in the morning, I was never up before lunch when I was at college and went out drinking the night before.

"when people drink wine at home, do they do it because they like the taste or to get a bit tipsy? "

I think it's a combination of flavour, refreshment, relaxation (rather than getting tipsy per se) but ultimately... bad habit. Get home from work, start cooking supper, uncork the wine... for a lot it becomes an automatic rather than a conscious action. That's why these ideas like kicking booze in January or Lent can be useful because it breaks the cycle.

I gave up drinking in 2012.

I've never liked hot drinks either so never drink tea or coffee

but I have loads of friends who drink alcohol and live on coffee or tea.

They still love me even though they sometimes need to bring their own tea and coffee to my house

Why do non drinkers (such as the OP) resent drinkers?

You get judgemental people on both sides.
People do drink wine for the taste too, otherwise they'd drink vodka.

I'd say it's a combination of two things: firstly worrying that you're being judged for your lifestyle choices, and secondly what trice said: "When I am drunk I act and sound like an idiot. I don't want my friends to see me like that unless they are similarly compromised."

I once gave up booze for January but still went to the same pubs with the same people who were all drinking the same as ever. It was sooooo boring.

"they assume I have perviously had a drinking problem."

Yes, this is usually the assumption.

I rarely drink, and regularly have people "round for drinks" on these occasions everyone bar me gets really drunk.

no one minds I don't drink, I'm more fun for not drinking tbh. I have control issues because of my mental health and I'm honest about that. my issues not theirs.

I'll have a glass of wine once in a while (every six months or so. I've been known to go a couple of years)

I find it depends on how others feel about their own drinking. my mum was a pusher....but she drank way too much... iyswim

I think if your underlying attitude to drink comes out when you're with people who drink... then you're going to have a few problems. I mean, read your posts: you think most of the people you know/meet have a borderline drinking problem, it's just the booze that's holding a ton of marriages together and it shouldn't be socially acceptable to drink a lot. Especially if you're over 40.

Many people, including me, have a perfectly comfortable relationship with drink which includes none of the above (except the being over 40 bit).

People don't generally resent non drinkers. I suspect it is you in particular they resent. You say "it just always makes me feel seedy and grubby and to be honest I just don't understand why anyone enjoys it" and they pick up on your negative vibes.

Because they are immature twats. I'm a drinker and so long as I get my pint, I don't give 2 hoots what anyone else does, or does not, drink. We seem to be very hot (quite properly) on sexism, racism and ageism (tho' MN can be bad for this) but it's liberty hall when it comes to disapproving of someone's lifestyle choices.

My friends are a mixture of heavy drinnkers, occasional drinkers, longterm non drinkers and for-a-reason non-drinkers (eg fitness regime, Lent, pregnancy, whatever). They are generally capable of leaving each other alone. They are also generally capable of not performing about their choices when out in group when someone is getting a round in, or if people are ordering food and drink from a waiter, everyone just says what they want and no one either interferes or makes a big announcement eg I will have a lemonade because I Don't Drink Alcohol.
I suspect you are making a big deal over your dislike of alcohol, OP and that's why people wish you would have a couple of gins and stop whining at them.

You do come across quite judgemental so they probably are picking up on your negativity, you seem to have odd views of alcohol, seedy and grubby, really?

I do agree though that most people drink and if you don't then you are kinda given a side glance so I do understand your frustration.

Just remember you are in the minority so most folk will find it odd that you don't partake, it's in our culture.

I drink. I have a friend who doesn't drink. To be honest I rarely even think about it.

Oh SGB I love performing their choices and am going to steal it and sadly, use it on many, many occasions

I don't drink much and DH doesn't drink at all because he had a fairly serious drinking problem. He doesn't really identify as an alcoholic but he has occasionally described himself as so when people have pressured him to drink.

Because of my specific situation I must say I do have a very negative relationship with alcohol because it has been a factor in so many of our problems as a couple. Although it was DH's choices, not the alcohol itself, the connotations of alcohol to me are very negative and a lot of the "fun" in it I just cannot see.

I have also noticed that some of my friends are probably more dependent on alcohol than they realise, in that literally no occasion, including an afternoon at the park with the kids, is complete without lots of alcohol, and not joining in is seen as not being "fun"

As I say, this is all very much coloured by my own personal circumstances but there are certainly a lot of people who are uncomfortable with people choosing not to drink.

Well, my honest answer would be that it's not that they judge (or no more than you are doing), but most people I know are a bit funnier and more relaxed when they've had a glass or two of wine, and I quite enjoy getting tipsy with friends in a way I wouldn't if they were sitting drinking cups of tea and thinking I was grubby and seedy.

I'm well aware there's plenty to judge in what I've just said, but that's my answer.

Not sure why non drinkers are sniffy towards drinkers when stats show that moderate drinkers live longer than teetotallers .

Drinking alcohol in moderation is healthy

I think a glass of red wine is part of a healthy diet

• moderation -ie a glass not a bottle

On holiday a couple of years ago with a (tour) group of strangers (9 of us in total) It was evident that one guy didn't drink,though his wife did, but tbh I don't think any of us thought much about it - certainly no one commented or pressurised him . Maybe because average age was about 55 and e were all too grown -up? About half way through the holiday he told my DH during a chat (nothing to do with drinking)that he was an alcoholic and hadn't touched a drink for 13 years. I admired him for being so frank and in no way was he 'justifying' . It must be quite hard in some social situations though .
I have been quite surprised ,reading the Dry Jan threads, how many people self medicate with alcohol and just how much some people do drink .I wonder how they afford it apart from anything else. This is not a judgement, just a statement. When we were t work we would come home on Friday night and relax/chat over a meal/bottle of wine . . Definitely a 'switch -off' mechanism, but I do genuinely like the taste.Sat was always the meal DH and I ate alone when DCs were young-again a bottle of wine .And Sunday lunch...well .
And I do miss the relaxed chatting over a bottle, when I occasionally give it up for a month (as in this month) .A glass of water doesn't seem to create the same 'ambience'

"...stats show that moderate drinkers live longer than teetotallers. Drinking alcohol in moderation is healthy"

Would a weekly box of Elizabeth Shaw's chocolate liqueurs make the equivalent healthy substitute for a tee-totaller?

tbh nobody judges when we don't drink but then we don't judge when they do. Your comments and attitudes should mean you not fit in with our ethos and you'd be dropped quite quickly.

People get defensive if they feel judged and it sounds like you are judging them. Your post certainly comes across that way.

I don't drink very often (like...once or twice a year) and most of my friends do. I don't think it's ever been commented on.