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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Life has been devastated by finding partner using escorts

55 replies

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:19

After a 12 year marriage break up and divorce, I though life had turned a corner and that I had met my soul mate. I was incredibly happy, the man I met was amazing, brilliant, had an incredible well respected job, funny, thoughtful and my best friend. We had just got engaged and were planning on making our families one. Imagine my shock when one day on looking on his laptop for film times I discovered he has been leading a double life, my shy,humble man was on various sex hook up sites, also sites to use escorts on which the escorts had rated him as a client, the list and shock goes on! He denied it at first blaming a relative but the truth finally all came out. I am devastated, it's in my thoughts constantly and I am also dreaming about it. I am a very attractive, well educated woman but here he is sleeping with dirty escorts, some much younger. He tells me he has a porn addiction and begs me to help him, promising to see a counsellor as its been going on for years. I am confused beyond belief, I know nothing of this other side other than what I found and read. I feel repulsed and don't know what to do, I screamed, shouted cried but that changes nothing and now I feel like a nag. My self esteem is so low as I feel he wants much younger women, he tells me I am wrong and that its is his problem. I confided in some close friends and now they want nothing to do with me as they say I should have dumped him, I can't believe this has happened to me ......

OP posts:
Nolim · 01/02/2015 16:24

I agree with your friends. Dump him.

sykadelic · 01/02/2015 16:30

Agree with your friends, dump him, but I know it doesn't feel that easy.

The guy you thought you were with is not the guy you are actually with. You've been totally lied to and you deserve better. You won't be able to trust that he's stopped doing it and you'll feel insecure and feel like you have to check up on him all the time.

Not worth it!

Vivacia · 01/02/2015 16:35
Hmm

When did this all happen OP?

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:38

Within the last few weeks, he promises change but don't they always. Can he be helped?? I don't know

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/02/2015 16:39

So, before Christmas then?

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:49

The ironic part was that when we met three and half years ago he wouldn't sleep with me for weeks as he said he wanted not to mess it up. All our children are very fond of each other and our lovely family weekends doesn't together now seem like one big sham!

OP posts:
Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:49

Yes!!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/02/2015 16:53

OP he has been having sex with other women. He believes women can be bought. He has been lying to you. He has been spending family money on things you haven't agreed to. He has been risking your health.

You need to do three things.

  1. Get him to leave your house so you have time and space to think.
  2. Get tested for STD.
  3. Confide in a trusted friend in RL.

Have you done any of these three things?

Vivacia · 01/02/2015 16:55

I am a very attractive, well educated woman but here he is sleeping with dirty escorts, some much younger.

This is not about you or your worth or your attractiveness. It is about him and how he views women. They are not "dirty escorts" they are people and they are likely to be vulnerable people with fewer options in life than you or me.

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:55

I hate those sites, there's so many people on them perhaps I have been naive. He lived an hour away so had the space to do it for so long without getting caught! I am so angry, I am just a decent woman in her late thirties and now all this crap had entered into my life! And to think that I always had the house immaculate, always looked after myself, thinking I was lucky to be dating him why all the while he been busting seedy flats where they glamorise themselves by calling themselves escorts!!

OP posts:
Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:57

He doesn't live with me. I was tested fir STD and thankfully all fine however HIV takes time to come out ! I am really worried!!

OP posts:
Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:59

Sorry about the dirty escort remark, I am just angry he is the dirty one!! He is adding to the abuse of these women.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/02/2015 17:01

What do you see happening next OP?

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 17:01

Do you think there's such thing as porn addiction? He was on about twenty sites ( of what I found!!) should I help him like other addicts or is he just a sleaze ?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 01/02/2015 17:05

I think that people can get addicted to sex or porn. I don't think there's such a thing as getting addicted to buying sexual services from women behind your partner's back and lying about it for months.

Pastmyduedate0208 · 01/02/2015 17:06

There is such a thing as porn addiction, but this is a man whp views women as things that can be bought for his sexual pleasure. That his sexual release is more important the wellbeing of the women he is giving money to.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/02/2015 17:06

He says its been going on for years and hasn't looked for help until now.
He must think its normal and right then.
If he wanted help he'd have done it already my love.
Dump him, move on and find somebody who deserves you.
You are much better than this.
Would you ever be able to trust him?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/02/2015 17:07

No, you absolutely shouldn't try to help him.
If he's an addict (and that's a big if, I don't believe in addiction to sex workers but I could be wrong) then he needs to leave you well alone while he seeks treatment and agree, if he still wants to be with you, to leave you alone until he is totally 'clean' of porn and sex workers, and has done some serious therapy to address his inadequacies and fucked up belief system then and only then get in touch to beg for a second chance from you. I would lay down money that he doesn't do this, and even if he does you won't want him back.
But no, it's not your job to 'help' him. That way madness lies.

Pastmyduedate0208 · 01/02/2015 17:08

He's not that great! Really it will be easy to get over him, move on. Leave him to it.

Nextwednesday · 01/02/2015 17:17

Why would you help him? And what on earth could you do that would help?

It doesn't sound as if you want this to be the end of your relationship. That's up to you of course. But never trust him again. He has been living a lie.

RandomNPC · 01/02/2015 17:21

Porn addiction? Bollocks. He's been sleeping with sex workers, that's not 'porn addiction' (whatever that is).

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 17:24

I think I know the answer myself really. It's been very hard to come to terms with and I am still in shock! I can't believe its him but it is, I am so upset his kids love me and I love them, this sucks! He's been very selfish he wanted the normal family life but also all this gross stuff behind close doors!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/02/2015 17:28

by him asking you to help him, he is trying to give you the responsibility for him sleeping around. If he slips up, it will then be because you didnt help enough, or it will be minimised as just a slip up, rather than what it is, which is sleeping around and fucking other women whenever he feels like he can buy one.
It not only shows what he thinks of you, it shows what he thinks of women in general, and how easy he has found it to lie to you and keep a double life.

Im sorry honey. I know youre hurting, but youd be an absolute fool to give him another chance, no matter how much he cries about it now hes been caught

TabbyNicki · 01/02/2015 17:33

God, I couldnt forgive. Get out and move on, or contemplate your next step....marriage??

sykadelic · 01/02/2015 17:35

I agree there is such a thing as a porn addiction however that's not what this is. Porn addiction is an addiction to watching porn, that's not what he's been doing.

There is also something called a sex addiction, it's possible that he has this but you'd know whether he did as he'd have a high sex drive with you too.

It's more likely that he loves porn and loves acting out his porn fantasies with escorts... which is pretty troubling honestly as porn is hardly "nice" sex and escorts, especially the one's that can't afford to be picky, will be the ones copping the abuse (because that's what it is) just so he can get his rocks off and they can make money. The idea that he's watching porn and then hiring girls to act it out... scary.

He has a serious problem and I wouldn't stay with him. He's shown he has absolutely no qualms about lying to you, cheating on you and sexually abusing women. Not someone I'd want to stay with.

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