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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Life has been devastated by finding partner using escorts

55 replies

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 16:19

After a 12 year marriage break up and divorce, I though life had turned a corner and that I had met my soul mate. I was incredibly happy, the man I met was amazing, brilliant, had an incredible well respected job, funny, thoughtful and my best friend. We had just got engaged and were planning on making our families one. Imagine my shock when one day on looking on his laptop for film times I discovered he has been leading a double life, my shy,humble man was on various sex hook up sites, also sites to use escorts on which the escorts had rated him as a client, the list and shock goes on! He denied it at first blaming a relative but the truth finally all came out. I am devastated, it's in my thoughts constantly and I am also dreaming about it. I am a very attractive, well educated woman but here he is sleeping with dirty escorts, some much younger. He tells me he has a porn addiction and begs me to help him, promising to see a counsellor as its been going on for years. I am confused beyond belief, I know nothing of this other side other than what I found and read. I feel repulsed and don't know what to do, I screamed, shouted cried but that changes nothing and now I feel like a nag. My self esteem is so low as I feel he wants much younger women, he tells me I am wrong and that its is his problem. I confided in some close friends and now they want nothing to do with me as they say I should have dumped him, I can't believe this has happened to me ......

OP posts:
OnceUponATimeAgain · 01/02/2015 17:39

"I confided in some close friends and now they want nothing to do with me as they say I should have dumped him,"

Thats not what friends do, they support you while you work out what YOU need to do

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 17:47

He tells me he has a porn addiction and begs me to help him, promising to see a counsellor as its been going on for years.

He might have a porn addiction. But what's that got to do with him paying for sex. That's not porn, that's prostitution. Is he addicted to prostitutes too?

He doesn't want help. If he wanted help he would have sought it years ago. He is just saying that to give you something to cling on to.

He is a liar and a cheat. Dump him.

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 18:14

Yes a very good liar for three years! He fooled me, my friends and my family. The perfect gent haha!! Makes my ex look like a saint!! Apparently he told me it's not as bad as it looks and most of it is fantasy, that's crap again!!

OP posts:
notasingleclue · 01/02/2015 18:16

Oh I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's just devastating, I do empathise. But you will only start getting over this when you get up the strength to leave him, I'm really sorry to be so blunt, but this is my hard won experience.
I tried staying with him when I caught him out visiting websites to hook up with random women (and more), I tried staying when he lied, through the ridiculous denials, the tantrums, the shuddering apologies, the guilt, the tearful reconciliations, the lot. Until I found out that he was still looking at those sites six months into our big new start. To my shame it took me another year to rid myself of him completely but only then did I start to really realise that it wasn't me, it wasn't anything I did that pushed him to this, just like it's nothing you did, it's about him making very poor, very hurtful decisions, over and over again. As a previous poster pointed out, this is about him not respecting women and this includes you.
Some things really are deal breakers and this has to be one of them, for your sake.

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 18:19

Most of it is fantasy? Surely he means most of it was acting out his fantasies, otherwise known as realising a fantasy.

Because it's not fantasy, it's real. These are real, actual women.

Does he think you are stupid or what?

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 18:20

When did you find out about this OP?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 18:23

How can you help him ?

you can't

protect yourself and boot him out of your life

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 18:28

Thank you notasingleclue you know what if feels like. You won't so hard to believe they will give up. I feel ridiculous to not have known, I had no incline whatsoever. We could talk for hours and hours and I felt he was my best friend. He was always so kind, and we just got engaged before I found out a few weeks ago. Hundreds of congratulations on Facebook, a well respected guy in the community, when all the time he was lying and cheating in the worse popular fashion. God I sat down reading reviews from him about escorts on some disgusting sites where men reviewed women like they were cars! Boasting about being with twenty something's and how good they were. He's messed my head up!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 18:30

Are you going to stay in a relationship with him ?

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 18:33

You found out a few weeks ago? So what is the state of your relationship at the moment. Did you break up?

Viviennemary · 01/02/2015 18:35

Wouldn't put up with this in a million years. End it now. I know I couldn't have this. Sometimes these oh so perfect men have one massive flaw. Rather than lots of small flaws.

notasingleclue · 01/02/2015 18:36

Oh god do I understand when you say you think you've been so stupid, but honestly, I promise you, you weren't, he was bloody cunning and what he did was so off the radar freaking mental that no sane person in the world should have an eye out for that s**t. Cunning people are very determined, how much of your time do you want to give for checking up on that level of nutjob? Free yourself, life should not have to include this level of heartache.
(And the ex was a senior army officer, my mother loved him, his daughter and I were very close, the similarities are amazing. I'm still close to his daughter, just not to him).

Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 18:36

The relationship I have had is one big lie. He tells me how could he tell me this problem, that he wants to be normal, that he needs help. I am a very kind, compassionate person I had a brother who was an alcoholic it destroyed his family. I don't think I can stay with him, it's just getting over the shock as its still so new! He was doing before we met, so it's his problem!!

OP posts:
Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 18:39

God you would be shocked if I told you what he does! It sounds so impressive, in charge of so many people and looked up to. He's been cruel, what I don't understand is why he wanted me? If he wanted that way of life leave innocent family people out of it!

OP posts:
Scarlett20717 · 01/02/2015 18:43

Yes we broke up, then got back in touch. He's very clever, very convincing and turns on the tears. I think he addicted to the high of it, he told he feels sick afterwards but still has the compulsion to carry on! He's deleted all his accounts but of course he can open new ones so easy!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 18:46

break up again

AnyFucker · 01/02/2015 18:46

and make it permanent this time

MyRightFoot · 01/02/2015 18:50

the fact he was reviewing these women online for the benefit of other men, doesnt sound like a man trying to fight his so called addiction. he has made your relationship a lie and im sorry he wasted so much of your time. if he had truly loved u, he wouldhave got help earlier, before you caught him. please get rid. if hes serious he will let u go, get help and once 'cured', will try to woo you in an honest decent way.

notasingleclue · 01/02/2015 18:53

Yes, it is, one big lie. Don't let him tell you any more.

lemisscared · 01/02/2015 18:55

I think you'll find it is the men that use the escorts that are "dirty"

I know your hurting but they are providing a service, some are forced into it and he is using it to act out his filthy little fantasies.

Dump his arse and move on and find someone who respects women.

HootyMcTooty · 01/02/2015 20:26

Cut him out of your life OP.

You're sat there waiting on test results to see if his cheating has given you HIV and you're not sure what to do about him? You've taken him back quicker than the test results come in! Come on, you deserve better.

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 20:34

Ok so first he was addicted to porn, now he is addicted to the 'high' of sleeping with prostitutes Hmm

Face it, OP, this man has cheated on you with many, many women throughout your relationship. There is no reconciling that is there?

He couldn't sink any lower really.

Finish it properly and hold you head up high.

Sickoffrozen · 01/02/2015 20:37

AF has told you what you need to do.

I can't believe you are even thinking of staying with someone like this?

Get some self respect and do what you have to do.

borisgudanov · 01/02/2015 21:13

"Porn addiction" my arse. He's just another dirty bastard who sleeps with prostitutes and lies about it. "Wants to be normal"? Aye, right.

Can you even look at this pond life without feeling sick? Uuurgh. Put him out with all the other rubbish.

Twat.

queencori · 01/02/2015 21:21

I imagine it is really shocking. I think if you have invested so much time and energy in this man and his family , I dont think it would be wrong to support him through counselling, therapy. Put the marriage plans on hold though.

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