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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my husband said to me...

64 replies

chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 09:36

You're a fucking bitch, I hate you and wish I had never had the miserable misfortune of meeting you". We were having a row but this was like a shot through the heart. I went upstairs sobbing and when I came back downstairs to talk to him about it he told me to fuck off. He isn't a nice man is heSad. Anyone else's DH say anything like this to them or is it just me? I'm sooo upsetSad

OP posts:
MimiAndPops · 01/02/2015 09:37

No he's not a nice man.

Does he have any redeeming features?

DeliciousMonster · 01/02/2015 09:37

Of course in a good relationship people don't say these things to each other.

Question is - what are you going to do about it?

If he hates you so much then perhaps he needs to leave the house and find somewhere more pleasant to live.

Haggisfish · 01/02/2015 09:38

I wouldn't accept it. I simply couldn't get past it. My sil has tried to work through it in a similar situation.

Ladygaggia · 01/02/2015 09:39

He's a rude fucking bastard and I would question how you can ever get past being talked to this way.

Rebecca2014 · 01/02/2015 09:39

I am sure this isn't the first time?

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 09:44

Lots of redeeming features but quite a few negative ones. As time goes by we our relationship gets worse and worse. The stress of 2 small children, huge financial pressure, busy lives seems to be killing us off. I'm not sure what to do now...talking is pointless as we can never talk things through clearly and dispassionately. Marital councelling is absolutely necessary at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 09:45

The first time he has said he hates me yes. I've said some really mean things too but not quite like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 09:47

He would never, ever leave the house or the kids. I am the 3rd wheel here.

OP posts:
Hathall · 01/02/2015 09:54

Do you have quite dramatic arguments like that?
What kind of things do you say?
Is it just him or is it both of you?

beachyhead · 01/02/2015 09:55

I would ask him to leave. Was this all this morning?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 09:56

There's never a good reason to verbally abuse someone. If a stranger walked in off the street and spoke to you the same way, would you be on the Internet asking 'is this OK?' or would you call the police

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 09:57

He may never leave the house or the kids but you're not obliged to stay married to him either.

VinoTime · 01/02/2015 09:58

My response to that would have been:

"There's the door. Off you fuck."

You don't let anybody speak to you that way, OP. Do you want to work things out? Or are things starting to reach a point where you're thinking you'd be happier apart? Do you want your marriage to this man to work?

Hathall · 01/02/2015 09:59

It doesn't sound good but the op said she says mean things too. I'm just wondering if the verbal abusive goes both ways.

Ems1812 · 01/02/2015 10:02

If my DP spoke to me like that, I wouldn't be going back downstairs to talk to him. I would packing his things & telling him to sling his hook.

By speaking to you like that, he is showing no respect or regard for your feelings & needs to learn that you won't tolerate being spoken to like that. By going to talk to him after he said that rather than waiting for him to come to you, you are letting him think it is ok to treat you like that because you will always come back to try & make things right. Don't give in to his childish & bullying behaviour. I know in arguments, things that you don't mean can be said but that is pretty vile & inexcusable.

Oh and you are not the third wheel, you are a mother & a wife & deserve to be treated with respect in your own home.

minkGrundy · 01/02/2015 10:04

anyone else's dh speak to them like that ?yeah mine did and he was a nasty bastard and no amount of counselling would have fixed it.

You say you cannot discuss things. That is never a good sign.

Viviennemary · 01/02/2015 10:05

That does sound far beyond acceptable. Some couples do trade insults. I think it's OK if you both give as good as you get but if one person is really mean and nasty and the other is hurt then it's no good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2015 10:07

If the verbal abuse goes both ways, as a PP suggests, then it would be a case of two people being totally incompatible and bringing out the worst in each other. Even more reason to bring it to an end

gamerchick · 01/02/2015 10:09

And where were your children while this was going on?

AgathaF · 01/02/2015 10:09

He certainly is not a nice man.
It may be time to accept that your relationship is finished, now you need to work out a way of separating. Your children are not toys that he can refuse to 'give up'. You need good advice - get yourself an appointment with a solicitor (most do a free half hour), or maybe with a couple of solicitors to compare advice and see who you prefer.
Staying in a relationship with that level of animosity is damaging for you and your children.

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 10:10

From his point of view, he said hurtful things to you OP because, well, he wanted to hurt you. He was feeling hurt himself and he wanted to lash out. This is what two year olds do, not grown adults. 'I hate you, I wish I had never been born never met you...' is an immature way to express your feelings.

So whilst this is an indication of how he is feeling, it is certainly not acceptable at all. Normally I would say talk to him about it when he is calm but you say that you can't do that because he will get angry again. This means there is no middle ground. He won't change.

You have two choices: suck it up, accept that it will always be like this and carry on or see a solicitor to get legal and financial advice.

Staying with him just means that your children will witness it all as they grow up and even become targets themselves, especially when they are teenagers and/or start answering back to him. They may even copy him and call you horrible names too. After all, if it's ok for dad to do it then it's ok for them too.

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:11

Thank you for all your replies. The verbal abuse is very rare, and the worst thing I've ever said to him was that he was a terrible husband when I was in tears after a particularly bad arguement. Truth of the matter is...he's not a great husband at times. We don't row that often, once every 3-4 months but there is ALOT of tension and defensiveness almost daily. Which isn't a nice environment to live in for anyone. It's been insidious, crept up on us. The love is being eroded away. There is absolutely zero affection between us, perhaps a hug once a week if I instigate it. I've asked for a lot more often, but it's not forthcoming. He does do nice things like spends hours sorting out things on my behalf, ect but truth of the matter is Im not sure he likes me anymore. Sex is incredibly rare, once every 2-4 months. I'm miserable and overweight so there isn't much passion.

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Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:12

And if there is it's usually me instigating it. Sad

OP posts:
ConfusedNC · 01/02/2015 10:16

Counselling will only work if you are both wanting to fix your relationship. Nastiness things can be said in heat of moment but are regretted if you love the other person. Your husband doesn't sound like he regretted it. I'm sorry.

My xhtb told me to go kill myself. I asked if he was going to apologise later on. His reply was he said what he thought because I made him angry.

You can't fix that no matter if you love him. It's got to be both ways.

Someone said on here that in acting that way, he's telling you who he is and you need to listen.

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:16

The kids were in the living room watching a film. We were in the kitchen behind closed doors, it lasted all of 3 minutes before I was in floods of tears. i came back downstairs to give him a chance to make it right as it was truely a step to far. I wanted to talk to him but he had "had enough" of me.

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