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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So my husband said to me...

64 replies

chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 09:36

You're a fucking bitch, I hate you and wish I had never had the miserable misfortune of meeting you". We were having a row but this was like a shot through the heart. I went upstairs sobbing and when I came back downstairs to talk to him about it he told me to fuck off. He isn't a nice man is heSad. Anyone else's DH say anything like this to them or is it just me? I'm sooo upsetSad

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:20

I didn't push it or beg him as it's just degrading. Not really sure where to go from here. The thoughts have been creeping in that we may be happier apart.Sad

OP posts:
Thehedgehogsong · 01/02/2015 10:21

Imagine 10 years in the future still with this man. Then 20, 30, 40 years. Looking miserable? You need to decide if there's anything worth saving here for the future or if it's better to cut and run. It's a hard decision!

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:21

He would go to marital councelling, he knows it may be time to get external help.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 10:21

We don't row that often, once every 3-4 months but there is ALOT of tension and defensiveness almost daily.

This is because you don't/can't talk to each other. In a good relationship partners do not agree all the time but they talk through their differences, listen to each other, try to find a compromise, etc.

If you can't do this with him then it's doomed. What started it all off last night? Something silly I expect that you could have talked about. It did not need to lead to this.

winkywinkola · 01/02/2015 10:23

Well then I think you need to ask him to leave. If only to get some head space for yourself.

It is really hard to get back from a rut of resentment, general daily unpleasantness and hurt.

Situations like these usually need a drastic event like an affair discover or one partner leaving to shake everyone and make them really evaluate what they want, why things have got so bad and how to make things better.

I'm Hmm for you op. it's horrible but you need to take some positive action for your own wellbeing. And that means your h has to leave.

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:24

Hedgehog, it is a hard decision. The kids are so so young, there are so many external pressures...Sad

OP posts:
arlagirl · 01/02/2015 10:26

Mine is being spectacularly rude at the moment. I am currently a fucking whore for never loving him according to him
We divorce soon.Grin

You are in an abusive marriage my love.

MinceSpy · 01/02/2015 10:26

You admit you've both been verbally abusive to each other. He's just hit a real nerve with you, possibly you've also said things that have really hurt him too.
He has made his feelings clear now you both have to decide where to go from here.

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:30

It wasn't last night, it was this morning. Kids have been ill, 24 hr stomach bug which I knew I would get. This morning, woke up had to rush to the toilet to be sick, husband came up with the babies( slept in spare bedroom to be close when they woke up as they'd been so ill)and whilst I was being sick he kept saying I have to go, I have to go you have to take the babies. He had to run an errand. Between retching I asked if he couldn't wait 2 minutes so I could brush my teeth and he got really arsy saying he didn't even want to go out. Can understand it all except this was whilst I was pukingConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:31

And it went from there. I may be crazy but that in itself was upsettingSad

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 01/02/2015 10:33

Honestly it's easier to leave when the DCs are small than sticking this out until they are older.

I think you need to start making practical arrangements for ending this marriage.

Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 10:34

Ah well, there you go OP, it was a simple, ordinary occurrence that could happen in any house. Of course he should have looked after the children.

What was the errand, could it have been put off or was it urgent?

winkywinkola · 01/02/2015 10:34

What errand was so very urgent that he couldn't stay and look after his ill family?

Is there really no caring left?

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:39

Errand could wait, literally a few minutes so I could brush my teeth.
Willy, that's what I'm wondering. Where is the caring gone?

OP posts:
littleleftie · 01/02/2015 10:39

Oh dear. The more you post the more of a cunt he sounds.

You say he wouldn't leave but he doesn't sound remotely keen on looking after his DC. Do you both work?

I would be straight off to the solicitors and firing off a petition, but it sounds like you aren't ready for that?

Maybe do two things - book a counselling appointment and make some kind of pact that you will treat each other kindly between now and then.

Secondly, you quietly book a solicitor appt just so you can get the low down on your options in the event that at some point in the future you do decide to split. It will make you feel less panicky and more in control.

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:40

Sorry winkyBlush
Called you willy!!Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:43

I'm off to go down now:( he's been downstairs with the kids, I have been upstairs trying to sort my head out and rest, it's been a hard morning. Thank you so much everyoneFlowers for all you've said. I'll report back later on how it goes.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 10:45

Don't apologise to him OP, you have done nothing wrong x

GirlDownUnder · 01/02/2015 10:48

What he's said though, can't be unsaid or unheard.

You'll not forget it, and it will keep hurting you. The next time he tells you he loves you (do you still say that to each other?) you'll remember the vehemence and hate of this mornings conversation. That's a sad way to exist isn't it?

And if he'd not met you, he would not have his babies either...

ScrambledEggAndToast · 01/02/2015 10:52

Nasty, horrible man. The moment I knew it was over with my ex-husband was when he called me a freak for having epilepsy. All the apologies in the world couldn't make up for that and it still hurts years later.

Original poster
chocolatefingersandtoes · 01/02/2015 10:53

I won't be apologising, for what? Didn't get a chance to say anything without getting ripped apart emotionallySad

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/02/2015 15:46

Has something else happened OP?

minkGrundy · 02/02/2015 01:00

Women's aid OP and a good solicitor. SorryFlowers.

confuddledDOTcom · 02/02/2015 01:19

if you have daughters you're showing them it's acceptable for their partner to treat then like that and if you have sons you're showing them it's acceptable to treattheir future partner like that. if you walk you're saying that it's unacceptable. think in 15 years time your children in your shoes, what would be your advice? would you be proud if it was your son?

our children will copy us so I always look to them in deciding what to do. I was in an abusive relationship, no children and the thought of it passing on to another generation was enough to make me go.

MinceSpy · 02/02/2015 08:15

OP how are things today?

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