Confused - I think?

[tess1pink]

I have been with my partner for 9 years. He is very sensitive. I could not express my opinions without him sulking., thinking it was criticism Its hard to explain if I questioned him about his behaviour he would sulk for weeks. He works as a lorry driver - nights so we don't have a lot of time together and over the years neither of us have made any effort to go out. I have actually been lonely in this relationship.Two days before xmas he didn't like what I cooked for dinner resulting in him shouting he was fed up of this dead relationship. He didn't speak to me for 4 weeks, when I got up he would go to bed, I go to bed he would get up! I spent Christmas and new year in silence. He then said he would be leaving (he has said this at least 15 times in the last 9 years). Three weeks ago he started talking a bit but said he didn't like the atmosphere in the house so was going to Colchester (his home town) to be with a friend. He has visited this friend 3 weekends in a row. Last weekend he came home and said he had put a deposit down on a studio flat a few miles away. I have pleaded with him to stay and reconsider but he says its too late as the deposit and first months rent has been paid and also that I have had a month to talk why talk now? (forgetting that it was he who wouldn't speak!). I asked if he was seeing someone he denies this. But I have found a receipt for a dinner for two last Friday night at Clacton. I actually texted him Friday but the message didn't go through until the next day as his phone was switched off. I mentioned how much I would like him to have taken me out to the seaside and for a meal so I think he realises I know he is seeing someone. I have asked him before he went our today to show me some car basics so he showed me this afternoon he was so happy and jokey and I am so miserable. I watched him drive away, all showered and spruced up, I feel so..... He has told me that all I have to do is call him and he will come over if I have any problems with the house or car (the house is in my name only). One of the problems he said was that he felt second best to my children (not his) and that he is also last! I'm 54 years old and cant believe I am in this position. He just didn't want to talk. I believe if he hadn't met someone else he would have at least tried to work things out. He has told my daughter that a break may be what we need and told her he would talk to me but he hasn't. He knows I am heartbroken. He has left me with credit card bills of nearly £14000. Says he will give me £100 a month to pay one off. He wants to keep all his stuff tools and a load of militaria stuff in the shed until he find somewhere to store it. I feel like throwing it all out but I cant as I need him to pay this money. I will also have to take in a lodger which I don't want to do. I am distraught ....I know there's no answer and I'm sorry for ranting on but I'm sitting here alone just thinking of him and who he is with. I have cooked and cleaned for him never dared raised my voice to him and he treats me like this. He is moving out next Friday. I guess it may be easier when this happens but I just feel he didn't give me a chance to turn things around. I have been depressed over other family matters and he didn't really offer any support but he has not taken this into account, he says that he still loves me but says that's not enough. I just don't understand why he is being so unkind to me yet still wants to keep in touch! If he loves me shouldn't he give us another go.

So much wrong, where to start?! 'Never dared raise my voice to him'!! It's like your attitude is 'I was so well behaved I deserve that he should stay'. You shouldn't feel you have to be good and earn someone's love. Also, you actually can't 'earn' it. Someone loves you or they don't - it doesn't matter whether or not you deserve it or what they've taken into account to judge if your behaviour is worth a second chance. Such an odd attitude.

Anyway, he sounds absolutely awful. Sensitive really isn't the word. I hope once you've had some time and space from him you will see the reality of this relationship. You should not be wishing for this horrible man.

what on earth do you want to keep him for ?

wave this selfish, arrogant prick on his way

there are much better men than him out there

That didn't come across very sympathetic, which I really am. What I mean is, you have practically served this arsehole for years, and got very little out of it apart from miserable company and a few more clothes to wash! I'm sorry you're sad and that's normal at the end of any relationship, but this really, really is for the best. He, and the relationship, were just awful. Once the heartache wears off you will be so much better off without him.

Thanks for your replies at this time. You are both so right I know. He was wonderful the first 6 months then we became engaged and his 'sensitivity' came through. Guess I didn't want to be on my own with two young kids then. Now a lot of us staying together after our umpteen disagreements is financial. I have been a right mug I know but he has made me feel guilty that its my fault for me not showing him enough attention. Its a joke with my two kids now 18 and 20 that I actually have three kids. When my family visit for special occasions he goes in the bedroom and says he has a headache. Like I said I guess I have been a right fool the underdog I don't think any other woman would put up with that so he's in for a shock in his new bed!

It seems as though this relationship has dragged on well past it's sell by date for many reasons, maybe financial, maybe due to you being scared of a future alone. Ffs, he complained about his fish supper before Christmas and this led to you not speaking for a month . Is that not completely insane??!!

Let him go. Hold up your head and aim higher next time. And get advice about these huge debts. Who owns them and who pays them. £14000 paid off at £100/ month doesn't sound quite right .

It's all been said really. See his moving out as a positive (because it really is) and look into who has what responsibility for those credit card debts. 54 you say? You've probably got as many years left as I've currently lived, so get out there and live them!

In whose name are the credit cards op? Yours?

It is better that this man goes. He is seeing someone else.

Don't let him back into your life other than legal correspondence to ensure you get your money back.

I would tell him that unless he comes to pick up his stuff, you will sell it and put the money towards the credit card bills.

You mustn't store it for him. You owe him nothing. He owes you loads.

Thanks for all your thoughts and advice. What you say makes so much sense. I did actually think about selling it all as I don't think he will keep up payments anyway. But I would like to part amicably. He said he doesn't want to fight. He's left debt in each of his two other marriages (he hasn't even bothered to get a divorce from his last wife and been separated 11 years) but these were in his name, he never paid these so could never get any credit or mortgage in his own name as his name was (maybe still is) on bad debt list, so his track record is not good. I could tell him that he will get his stuff back when he has paid a substantial amount of the money back to me. He's still away, I took my son back to uni this afternoon, I haven't missed my 'ex' other the weekend, its not like I can say on a Saturday we would go to town then go for lunch etc etc. I don't miss doing anything with him because we never did anything together. I have done today what I would have done if he had been here or not and it will be the same tomorrow.

Carrying on from my last email....its now time to go bed, when I start feeling bad thinking about where is he and who's bed he's in:( shouldn't think he's given me a single thought all weekend.

I should think you're right - since he's barely given you a thought for most of the last 9 years! ((((hugs)))). He's a complete arse, and you're well rid of him. xx

This man has done you a massive favour because for whatever reason you wouldn't dump his arse.

This man was a shit partner and is likely to be a shit friend too, he's only made these overtures because he knows how easy it is to manipulate you for his own convenience, so ignore his appeals to be friends.

Oh and he gets his stuff back when he has paid you back in full and not before.

So basically he's lived with you, ignored you and spent £14000 of your money? What the hell have you been thinking of?

These debts are in your name, then? So sell every single thing that he has left with you and take him to the small claims court for the rest.

Agree with Imperial.
This man has form; done this to 2 previous wives?
I'd sell my story to Take a Break, I really would; as a warning to any other poor cow that falls victim to his "charms".
You only live once and you can't get back those 9 wasted years with this poor excuse of a man, but you can start living again which you clearly haven't done in all the time you've had the misfortune to know this tosser.

Thanks for the advice. It all makes sense. I think I'm struggling with the fact that I feel to blame! I keep thinking if only I had shown him a little more affection as I think because of the way I was treated I shut down. I am not the same person I was when I first met him. I still have good friends but we have no 'couple' friends because he didn't want to go out. It hurts to know I have been replaced so quickly as if 9 years meant nothing to him. About 3 years ago we went to France for a holiday we had a big row over me panicking about driving in France. I went the wrong way round a carpark panicked stopped the car and asked him to drive. He went crazy..saying I cant be trusted, may as well end the holiday going back home now etc. I remember crying as we walked around a village. I wrote a letter to myself the next morning whilst he was in bed sulking. In fact now I think about it we had a major row (well he did) every holiday. I only threw the letter away a few weeks ago after clearing out my bag. I wrote how my heart was breaking and how many more tears must I cry. So I do know the relationship was bad very bad so I must be strong hold my head up. He went away Friday afternoon, I left for work at 8 this morning and he still wasn't home (he work at night driving) so he is obviously avoiding me (usually home by 7am). I am dreading Friday morning when he packs and leaves - I think he is going then but I will probably be at work and not see him go. I know our relationship was rotten to the core if I am honest so I do not understand why I am pining for him longing for him to come home again after all this and him sleeping with someone else?

The end of any relationship is upsetting. If you're feeling insecure and lacking in confidence as a result of 9 years of ill treatment, that will make it more upsetting. People who say 'if only I'd been a better partner'.... have often spent years being brainwashed into believing they are substandard and don't meet an ever-changing set of requirements. Emotional abuse.

If you're pining, you're therefore pining for something you never had i.e. a loving, non-abusive relationship. If you long him to come home again, that's just your insecurity and fear of loneliness talking.

It'll be tough when he finally leaves but there will be a day when you look back on what happened and honestly wonder why you stuck it out so long and what on earth you ever saw in him. Good luck

Why don't you call a friend over and pack up his things for him? Then on Friday he will see that you are in control, not him.

"he says that he still loves me but says that's not enough"

Btw.... the above.... is a mealy-mouthed pile of shit. It means he's got a better offer.

Yeah, he's got an alternative (not better) offer all right. He's just hasn't gotten round to telling you because she isn't the catalyst for his sudden departure and telling you now, would only confuse and hurt you make you realise what a worthless piece of shit he is.

Whatever void you kidded yourself that this man filled, let it go, he wasn't worthy.

Thank you for your comments to the point but very very true. I know. My bedroom at the moment is a mess with his clothes and a few things of his scattered around the room. So I'm going to start putting his things in bags ready for him to go on Friday...its a start to help me feel in control. He grinded my personality down I have become so withdrawn and miserable. I have written a list pros and cons. I have four things on my pros, can always fix my car, brilliant at diy, gave me weekly money and not bad at bedtime when he chose, funny with me if I refused and 18 things on my cons list and its growing. You are all helping me feel stronger.

I know it's a cliché to say "you're better off without him" but it really does sound true in this case!!

I would suggest making an appointment with a solicitor to see if it's possible to make some kind of legal agreement for him paying back the money. You also should ask what legal requirements there are for you to allow him access to his stuff, and if you need to chuck it, what is a reasonable notice period to give him, etc.

If you have any texts or emails where he has acknowledged the debt and told you he would repay it, you may be able to take him to small claims. However if it's all verbal then unfortunately he is probably going to just do a bunk and since the cards were in your name, you're going to be left holding the debt [sad:]

My ex did similar to me: asked me for £3.5k to buy a new car, which I gave him; a few months later he buggered off with someone else, and told me he would pay me back £100/month. Needless to say I've never seen a penny of it and I later discovered that he had gone into my computer while I was at work and deleted the email chain where the loan was agreed. Fucker.

Well you can take 3 off your positives - at £14,000 over 9 years, you could've paid the best mechanic or handyman whenever you needed one, and given yourself a better weekly allowance! Probably could buy a decent shag for that amount too.

I agree with other posters about cutting your losses.
Even if you have to repay the loan yourself, that if you have explored all other avenues such as selling your story, (I'd put that to him) and seeking legal advice; you would still be better off as he would only sponge of you more.
I know there are a few people in his profession that lead double lives, the distance makes it all to easy.
I once paid an ex £1000 to fuck off and say fucked off. He did. He's on DLA for his mental health issues and his two kids never hear from him.

Very good haha....bang goes my positive list then!! Wish I could warn his next victim. Should have seen the signs really...why wouldn't you want to a get divorce, we got engaged 6 months after meeting, he was still not divorced. Always said if he did his wife would then be able to find out where he lived and would come after me, and that I didn't know what she was like! She apparently used to beat him up...probably out of frustration so when he met me I was an angel in comparison. So at one point he had an ex wife, a wife, a fiancee (me) and another girl met through a dating agency - that was about 4 years ago I caught him out there. He had a very close relationship with the controller at his work. Texting her even when back from work, after being at work with her. Counted over 50 text messages in about 2 days. Then he only told me the debt collectors were after him after we got engaged so I was well into him then. I have helped him in so many ways. Helped him find a job, helped him sort a serious work problem out, he was quite ill with stomach pains for quite a while, I would sit up with him all night. Always there for his children (around the same age as mine) even up to a few months ago was seriously thinking of bringing the 17 year son here to live with us as he had trouble with his mother and her new boyfriend (that's his first wife). I haven't seen him since Friday I avoided coming home straight from work today knowing he would have left for work himself by the time I returned home. Toilet bag back in bathroom ....really annoying me though that he comes home in the morning from work and gets into my bed still after being with his new woman all weekend. I do feel at this moment stronger than I have done thanks to all the advice on here. Not long until Friday I guess, he'll probably pack and sneak away whilst I'm at work. He hasn't done much packing yet, just a couple of boxes. I got in a bit late today to start clearing his stuff from the bedroom. I think as long as I can survive financial I shall be okay. I have applied for a part time job so hopefully that will boost my monthly income so I may not have to take a lodger in. Forgot to mention I have had to sell all of my gold jewellery to get extra cash. I had a few new pieces got about £70 for one lot £50 for another. This was when our relationship was okay i.e he wasn't sulking. At the time he said he felt bad I had to do this. He earns over £500 a week, only bills he paid was maintenance to his ex wife £130 per month and his car insurance and the 'lodge' money he gave me. I always thought he could have offered me the money so I wouldn't of had to sell the items as it broke my heart to part with some of the jewellery. Wow really coming out now guess I'm ranting again...perhaps I should write an article!

Wow, he just sounds better and better! The lying, the cheating, letting you sell your stuff , the multiple ex and not so ex wives...

The only way this would be your fault is if you now took him back when if he comes crawling back cos his new 'friend' realises what a total toss this guy is.

Not sure if I've missed it, but is there a reason he has to stay til Friday? I'd worry about leaving him alone in my home - his track record is not good.

How are your kids going to be? Do they consider him a step-dad at all?

for you, cos I'm sure you haven't had any for a while

Guess I feel its my fault as like he said we have had a month to talk and because I thought he didn't want to talk (silence treatment) I didn't approach him just wanted him to cool down a bit. He did start to speak a little and I wasn't that chatty, after 3 weeks of silence I did find it hard what to talk about. After that he started going down to Colchester every weekend, that's when he said it was then too late to talk. I actually feel physically sick if this was the only reason he wouldn't consider starting again then it was my fault. I know that's stupid but I cant help the way I feel at the moment. And when I read back what I have posted I think OMG and there's plenty of more stuff where that came from!

The longer he stays here with me he said he would continue to pay board so right or wrong I need another weeks' money from him and I think that gave him time to come up with a month's rent on his new place. He has never acted like a step dad to my two even though they were only 11 and 10 when he moved in. He hasn't really had any sort of relationship with them. I have been a single parent always. Never given them birthday presents never any extra money for me at Christmas to get presents and Christmas food. Its been hard as their own father never liked him so he kept away so there was no support for me. But my kids are lovely mannered and kind young people so I can be proud that I have done a good job there. They said they are ok if I am ok about it. But they have seen the moods and the sensitivity and both think I will be best without him.

As for the flowers thank you, the are lovely :) you are right probably had 3 bunches of flowers in 9 years. One of them I remember we were travelling home from France we were in Caen, he suddenly had a mood swing and said he couldn't and wouldn't drive home. So I drove from Caen to Calais (6 hours) and then Calais home to Peterborough. He bought me a bunch of flowers from the garage to say thank you and what a good job I had done!