Confused - I think?

[tess1pink]

I have been with my partner for 9 years. He is very sensitive. I could not express my opinions without him sulking., thinking it was criticism Its hard to explain if I questioned him about his behaviour he would sulk for weeks. He works as a lorry driver - nights so we don't have a lot of time together and over the years neither of us have made any effort to go out. I have actually been lonely in this relationship.Two days before xmas he didn't like what I cooked for dinner resulting in him shouting he was fed up of this dead relationship. He didn't speak to me for 4 weeks, when I got up he would go to bed, I go to bed he would get up! I spent Christmas and new year in silence. He then said he would be leaving (he has said this at least 15 times in the last 9 years). Three weeks ago he started talking a bit but said he didn't like the atmosphere in the house so was going to Colchester (his home town) to be with a friend. He has visited this friend 3 weekends in a row. Last weekend he came home and said he had put a deposit down on a studio flat a few miles away. I have pleaded with him to stay and reconsider but he says its too late as the deposit and first months rent has been paid and also that I have had a month to talk why talk now? (forgetting that it was he who wouldn't speak!). I asked if he was seeing someone he denies this. But I have found a receipt for a dinner for two last Friday night at Clacton. I actually texted him Friday but the message didn't go through until the next day as his phone was switched off. I mentioned how much I would like him to have taken me out to the seaside and for a meal so I think he realises I know he is seeing someone. I have asked him before he went our today to show me some car basics so he showed me this afternoon he was so happy and jokey and I am so miserable. I watched him drive away, all showered and spruced up, I feel so..... He has told me that all I have to do is call him and he will come over if I have any problems with the house or car (the house is in my name only). One of the problems he said was that he felt second best to my children (not his) and that he is also last! I'm 54 years old and cant believe I am in this position. He just didn't want to talk. I believe if he hadn't met someone else he would have at least tried to work things out. He has told my daughter that a break may be what we need and told her he would talk to me but he hasn't. He knows I am heartbroken. He has left me with credit card bills of nearly £14000. Says he will give me £100 a month to pay one off. He wants to keep all his stuff tools and a load of militaria stuff in the shed until he find somewhere to store it. I feel like throwing it all out but I cant as I need him to pay this money. I will also have to take in a lodger which I don't want to do. I am distraught ....I know there's no answer and I'm sorry for ranting on but I'm sitting here alone just thinking of him and who he is with. I have cooked and cleaned for him never dared raised my voice to him and he treats me like this. He is moving out next Friday. I guess it may be easier when this happens but I just feel he didn't give me a chance to turn things around. I have been depressed over other family matters and he didn't really offer any support but he has not taken this into account, he says that he still loves me but says that's not enough. I just don't understand why he is being so unkind to me yet still wants to keep in touch! If he loves me shouldn't he give us another go.

In the kindest possible way . He has left with £14,000 of your hard earned money, and 9 years of life you could've spent not walking on eggshells! However, for the car boot/clothes bank idea. x

Agreed Trex - OP he has wasted 9 years. He's wasted 9 years of your life. He's got 14000 of your money, so it's not all wasted for him. Don't feel sorry for him - get angry!

Def car-boot, ebay, clothes bank the lot. You are not a storage facility; if he's gone, he can take this stuff with (except the stuff you will hold as collateral against his debt). Any junk (clothes, DVDs, other crap) you will sell or chuck.

It's YOUR house now; no room for his crap. Get some nice stuff like new bedlinen and towels; stuff that he hasn't touched.

Yes, I agree with you reclaiming your home, with your lovely children.

Give him a good old slap with a wet fish with stuffed with bricks if he comes round to hassle you.

Hi been over a week now, do keep wondering what he is doing! No contact from him until last night. Texted to say asking could he come over to pick some stuff up on Friday. No hello how are you? Should he at least asked that? I didn't answer immediately but he texted again today to say he probably cant come Friday as his car has packed up and has to look for another! I really don't want to see him Friday if he does ask to come, I don't think I'm ready emotionally although he'll think I'm being stroppy and withholding his stuff and now I don't think I'm strong enough to say no to him collecting his stuff if he wants to come.

He 'popped' over as I wouldn't answer his phone calls. I replied to his texts. He was very nice but seeing him has put me back to square one. He told me that he wasn't in a mood over Christmas !! and that if I had gone into the bedroom to talk to him he would have talked and sorted this out. Now I'm in pieces thinking I could have prevented all this. He said he thought that I wasn't bothered about us. He was so much smarter, new jeans, clean shaven, hair cut. He denies having met anyone (yeah right). I know most of the relationship well 99% was rotten but I feel so sad, guilty. Reality has finally set in that he doesn't want to come back to me. I know he really wants to stay friends, he's coming over to sort my daughter's car when the weather is better, will sort my car's mot, says he is going to sort out more payments regarding the debt. He has even offered to pay my mobile phone bill. Why if he decided he disliked me so much to leave why would he want to stay friends, and keep on helping me? We have no children together nothing now to tie us. Seeing him hurt me again and I don't now expect to see him for a few weeks. So when that happens I hope to be much stronger and more confident. I don't think he is keeping his options open, it doesn't feel like that as when we speak he is kind but definitely not giving off any love interest. I am so confused (still). :(

Firstly, sorry to hear what you're going through.

However, based on what you've told us, your ex does not sound like a good partner for you. He clearly does not care enough about the relationship that you once had, and lonely as you may be, I honestly think you are better off on your own.

He may well want to be friends, and that's fine, just try not to be a doormat, you deserve so much better & your self esteem sounds very low having been in an unhealthy relationship for so long.

Be strong- please try and love yourself more than you love him!

Best of luck for the futurex

Thank you monkina for your kind words x

I know he really wants to stay friends, he's coming over to sort my daughter's car when the weather is better, will sort my car's mot, says he is going to sort out more payments regarding the debt. He has even offered to pay my mobile phone bill. Why if he decided he disliked me so much to leave why would he want to stay friends, and keep on helping me?

I'm sorry to say this, but it's purely because he wants his stuff back. He does not want to stay friends.

He also thinks if he can keep you on the back foot and feeling guilty, you won't feel inclined to take him to small claims to get the repayments on the £14k he owes you.

I'm speaking from experience here. My ex buggered off with another woman (which he denied - said "it's just time to go") owing me £3.5k which he had agreed to repay. I was about to start a new job which required me working away for the first month. "Don't worry about anything" he said, "let's stay friends. I'll help you pack up for moving house." More fool me, I believed him. In the month I was working away he went into my PC and deleted all the emails between me and him discussing the loan I had given him. He then refused to sign a repayment agreement. He also didn't do ANY of the packing for me.

It was incredibly hard for me to stop loving him, and to stop thinking "If only I had... lost weight, been more sociable, not been such a lazy arse about housework.... he'd still be mine!"

He even strung me along for a bit with friendly chatty texts, making me think we were going to be mates, blah blah. He kept me emotionally hooked in.

NEVER AGAIN. Please please take my experience and learn from it!! Stop talking to him, stop texting him. I think you said your daughters are adults? Ask them if they would be willing to channel all communication through them in future, as it's too upsetting for you. Then that's it. The only reason he should be getting in touch is for repayment purposes, which he can make to your daughter, and to pick stuff up, which again she can manage.

You must have a complete break from communicating with him. Every time you have spoken with him, he has messed with your head. Just read back over your past posts. You've gone from knowing that he's a cheating, thieving, lying scumbag, back to thinking that you did something wrong and that you could have "saved" your relationship. This is the idiot who had a 4-week sulk over Xmas and New Year because he didn't like his food one night!!!! You do not need this wankbadger in your life!

Yes to ^ get as tough as you possibly can muster to get your money back. That's why he is trying to keep you sweet. Yy to getting your daughters help. They will be angrier and help you. There is a thread on just now about what you wish you'd done differently and almost everyone says they wished they had been tougher. Read it and GET TOUGH! Be justifiably angry about his poor treatment of you and let the anger carry you through the best course of action to get your money back. Also feel sorry for his latest victim, it'll end the same way for her (possibly worse as these men seem to get worse as they get older) get your anger on sista!!

Oh if only you'd gone into the bedroom and talked to him everything would have miraculously been ok. What a load of nonsense. You are not really fooled by this are you? Everything you've told us about his behaviour and yet he is still managing to convince you that you are the one in the wrong. He is still manipulating you. I don't think the staying friends thing is going to be a good idea because he's too good at talking you into thinking you are somehow at fault for his bad behaviour. I think you need to go no contact and cut him right out of your life. Otherwise he's going to be manipulating you and making you unhappy for a very long time to come.

Hi thank you for all this advice. You just don't see clearly when you're in the midst of it do you? You are right he is not taking any blame for any of this. He had plenty of chances to stop and think and talk to me about this. I have to remind myself that even before the recent Christmas sulk I was so miserable, even my dad commented on how unhappy I have been. I'm deluding myself to think that if we had stayed together things would have been different after so long as it was ME who had to change my ways. ME who was expected to be more attentive to him. His sulks, just the way he is will never change so yes god help his next victim. I do feel my confidence is shot, I have no love for myself, I don't care what I look like. I was never like this before I met him. I was bright and breezy, plenty to say. I actually feel worn down inside and at this point in time don't seem to know how to pick myself up but guess that will be in time. He's flying high at the moment.....I'm sure the only way for him is down!! And for me hopefully up up up!!!

Oh sweetheart I have been where you are and I recognise your pain.

It sucks it really does but it will get better.

Please do not blame yourself for any of this. If you read back your posts and change the word "sensitive" for "abusive" I think you will see far more clearly what has been going on here. He is no prince, no prize.

What helped me was keeping a journal where I poured out my thoughts and feelings. It stopped me from ever contacting the ex. I also made a very long list of his faults, physical and emotional, I showed no mercy, and that made me laugh when I was feeling sad and reminded me that he just wasn't that special.

What helped me most was the baggage reclaim website which is full of brilliant articles to help people who find themselves in this position.

Please do not go back - you have done the hard part and I promise you if you let him back in he will hurt you even more badly next time.

Thank you littleleftie, I did write pros and cons a few weeks ago and think I found four pros, none of them the real important things that matter in a relationship. They were just practical things like diy and car maintenance! But I will start writing it down. I get so mixed feelings sometimes yes, it was an abusive relationship and then I go and blame myself. I remember in the first two or three years when he sulked, I will never say row because I have never ever in nine years started an argument and would never dream of being cross as I knew he would go into his sulk and then threaten to leave me. When he sulked and was so pensive he would say that he felt like a caged bird. (said this so I would say "oh go and have a wonderful time" how pathetic have I been??? This was because I would probably enquire where he was going on his motorcycle and couldn't we go out. So when I finally learnt to 'back off' and not get upset when he wouldn't have any time off work with me (I work in a school so holidays are set, but he very rarely took the same time off as me). I hardened myself, protected myself against being upset by stopping getting upset if he was doing the things he loved to do and spent no time with me. (incidentally he really didn't want me to share his hobbies, like biking) But I guess this 'protection' front eventually came over that I didn't care if he holidayed with his mate (they would go to France digging for war relics) instead of me or chose to go see his mate on his day off (mate is a teacher so same holiday days as me). It all became the norm. I feel I became what he created so once I became immune to his behaviour he felt I then didn't give him my full attention. So basically damned if I do and damned if I don't! Had a quick look at baggage reclaim will look further later. And I will keep in my head your last sentence as deep down I know you are completely right.

If it helps, my list consisted of things like

"Really hairy nostrils"
"Tiny penis"
"Didn't want me to go to his brothers wedding with him"
"Drove a mini - like his dick"
"Spotty back"
"Stingy" (money and time)

I really went to town - I think I had 42 items on the list by the time I had finished

This man who nearly destroyed me still texts and calls me sometimes and I just ignore him. I am totally immune to him now, but I never thought I would be.

You will get there I promise and you will look back and be faintly embarrassed that you ever thought this man was "all that."

That is great....some on that list copies onto mine :) I'm sure you are right I will look back and think omg but that day does seem so far away right now. I just feel that I know the relationship was well past its sell by date and he probably did me a favour by walking out as I would never have ended the relationship but I am really surprised by my reaction to it all. I thought if ever he did go (after many many threats to leave) I would be indifferent to it all say okay off you go but I feel totally lost. The next time I see him I want to be back to my confident happy self who has been hiding for the last few years, so he'll think what has he given up not only me but a home, family. I hope I will be strong enough to send him on his way.

What you are feeling makes perfect sense though tess.

You knew, deep down, that he wasn't good enough for you and that the relationship was "well past it's sell by date" So, when he had the audacity to walk out on you, your natural reaction is to think "OMG!!! even a pathetic loser like that has walked out on me!!!!" You feel rejected and it's almost worse to be rejected by a man who is unworthy than to be rejected by Brad Pitt, IYSWIM?

It affects your self esteem and it seems the only way you will get that back is restore the status quo. In fact this is an illusion, and you have already recognised that the "you" that you want back is the "you" that existed before you got involved with him.

That is definitely the way to go. Be really really kind to yourself. Spend a little money on yourself (a blue nail polish will do!) Say no to the things you don't want to do, and say yes to the things you do want to do. Talk to friends in RL and get as much support as you can muster.

Try not to focus on him, what he thinks, how he is feeling, or any of this guff about him seeing what he has given up. Who gives a shiny shit how he feels - that's right, not you tess you are on to bigger and better things.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I woke up this morning thinking about him and where he is but you're right I'm not going to focus on him. It was his choice to go. I have too much to do to be thinking about a pleb like him. And I am too good for him. He would sit in front of the tv swearing, racists remarks, fattist remarks totally something I do not want to hear and it disgusted me. He actually was suspended from his work a few years ago for racists remarks rather than face the sack he resigned. So when I feel a wobble I'm going to read back on all these great posts and be sure that what has happened is all for the best.

The next time I see him I want to be back to my confident happy self who has been hiding for the last few years, so he'll think what has he given up not only me but a home, family. I hope I will be strong enough to send him on his way. - definitely this. The old adage 'the best revenge is a life well lived' is so true.

Get your hair cut, get active, get a hobby, get interested in something/yourself, - and watch his mouth drop open. To be honest, he will probably then decide that the new OW is not worth it and want to come back - don't don't don't! Imagine yourself laughing in his face! Or turning on your (high) heel and walking sashaying away. You don't need to be dragged down by a racist, bullying, skint Dick!

I know everything is so true but feel like who am I trying to kid with this tough talk. I'm basically so sad. Keep thinking I should have dealt with this differently, I should have insisted we arranged to go out and do things together instead of just letting the relationship slide. I was nearly tempted to text him this morning and ask him outright 'will you come back'. I wake up in the morning my first thoughts are him, then I get a real nervous tummy and cant eat breakfast, I'm waking up at 4am every morning no matter what time I go to bed. I have written a list of all the negative things I didn't like about him and at the moment I have 66 things listed! I have one or two happy memories mostly in the first six months of the relationship so it's not that I'm just thinking of the good times cus there weren't any! I have browsed the dating sites not that I feel ready or want to meet anyone just yet, unlike him, and I think this adds to my sadness. I'm 54 he is 48, looking on the sites its a case of better the devil you know!! Not that he would even considering come back to me now. He has left me high and dry, financially, emotionally. I am having to find another job as well as my full time work, having to go back on the dating sites (eventually) and also looks like I'm going to have a take in a lodger. I will have to sleep in my son's room whilst he's away and when he returns I will have to sleep on the sofa!! I told him all this when I last saw him, he didn't say much, other than 'I was a lodger'. I know I'm a right fool to have any thoughts about him. Grrrrrhrr

Read back over the thread again and again.
He's a tosser and a knob of the highest order.
YOU can do sooooo much better.

It's going to be hard.
Make sure you delete and block so you can't contact him.

I have an ExH who I split from 5 years ago.
I have a lovely new partner and have been seeing him for a few years now.
I still think about my ExH and some the things we did together.
But.... I'm still far better off without him and love my partner dearly. Mine left me high and dry as well but I got there and did it all on my own and I'm very proud of what I have done and how I have coped.
You will too.
A nice pub job will keep you busy and pay you and it's fun. Worth thinking about as a part time job.

Move into your sons room and he can sleep on the couch when he is home!
Is there a reason this is NOT what you are planning?

Be kind to yourself.
Give yourself time.
But always remember what he did to you. What he put you through and what he is still putting you through.

Hiya I think what is eating me up to be honest is the fact that he has made me feel that I am totally responsible for the breakup in that I'm the one who didn't make the effort to sort this recent problem out. I remember over the Christmas period I watched Friends rerun on the tv with my daughter, he would be lying on the bed in the other room. He said all he could hear was me and her laughing our heads off! Meaning I guess he felt I wasn't bothered which was and is nonsense. What was I suppose to do act depressed and miserable for his benefit. I tried my hardest to put on a brave face for the kids and my family when instead I was being torn apart inside. I feel that I am totally responsible for us not getting back together. He thought I wasn't bothered about him so thought I guess right I'm off. I admit I did think here we go again. Another sulk, he'll be okay in a few days, yes I thought it would all blow over, as he pointed out a few weeks later. But then if he loved me surely he would have said something to me instead of calling me into the bedroom 3rd January to tell me he had decided he had had enough was looking for somewhere else to live and would be leaving. He didn't want to discuss it as we had been through this a hundred times before. So I did leave it thinking he wouldn't ever leave. I did put my arms around him to hug him twice during the next week but he didn't really respond other than to say it was about time I showed I was concerned!! He then kind of softened a bit during that week, spoke a little but after the next weekend he suddenly changed again becoming a bit chattier but by then he was going down to Colchester each weekend staying with his new woman, that's when he came back and said that he had found a place to move in to and he was going. I feel sick that I didn't speak to him like he said I had a month to talk to him and I just let him get on with it. Perhaps subconsciously this is what I wanted like a post said I would never have finished the relationship not matter how bad
:(

Hi thank you to all who offered me their advice. Actually not tearful anymore well very odd moments and def not feeling I guilty that I didn't make an effort to talk to him as he accused me of! Sorting finances. Even been on a date which was a bit nerve racking at first but had a nice time. May see date again may not who knows! Had a note from his parents, nice note saying sorry to hear etc but it said "he seems to have settled in his own mind what his future needs to be" so guess he's got it all figured out probably moving in with his new woman soon....oohh the pattern continues. Meanwhile I'm going to get my old self back...I feel her in there somewhere :)