Confused - I think?

[tess1pink]

I have been with my partner for 9 years. He is very sensitive. I could not express my opinions without him sulking., thinking it was criticism Its hard to explain if I questioned him about his behaviour he would sulk for weeks. He works as a lorry driver - nights so we don't have a lot of time together and over the years neither of us have made any effort to go out. I have actually been lonely in this relationship.Two days before xmas he didn't like what I cooked for dinner resulting in him shouting he was fed up of this dead relationship. He didn't speak to me for 4 weeks, when I got up he would go to bed, I go to bed he would get up! I spent Christmas and new year in silence. He then said he would be leaving (he has said this at least 15 times in the last 9 years). Three weeks ago he started talking a bit but said he didn't like the atmosphere in the house so was going to Colchester (his home town) to be with a friend. He has visited this friend 3 weekends in a row. Last weekend he came home and said he had put a deposit down on a studio flat a few miles away. I have pleaded with him to stay and reconsider but he says its too late as the deposit and first months rent has been paid and also that I have had a month to talk why talk now? (forgetting that it was he who wouldn't speak!). I asked if he was seeing someone he denies this. But I have found a receipt for a dinner for two last Friday night at Clacton. I actually texted him Friday but the message didn't go through until the next day as his phone was switched off. I mentioned how much I would like him to have taken me out to the seaside and for a meal so I think he realises I know he is seeing someone. I have asked him before he went our today to show me some car basics so he showed me this afternoon he was so happy and jokey and I am so miserable. I watched him drive away, all showered and spruced up, I feel so..... He has told me that all I have to do is call him and he will come over if I have any problems with the house or car (the house is in my name only). One of the problems he said was that he felt second best to my children (not his) and that he is also last! I'm 54 years old and cant believe I am in this position. He just didn't want to talk. I believe if he hadn't met someone else he would have at least tried to work things out. He has told my daughter that a break may be what we need and told her he would talk to me but he hasn't. He knows I am heartbroken. He has left me with credit card bills of nearly £14000. Says he will give me £100 a month to pay one off. He wants to keep all his stuff tools and a load of militaria stuff in the shed until he find somewhere to store it. I feel like throwing it all out but I cant as I need him to pay this money. I will also have to take in a lodger which I don't want to do. I am distraught ....I know there's no answer and I'm sorry for ranting on but I'm sitting here alone just thinking of him and who he is with. I have cooked and cleaned for him never dared raised my voice to him and he treats me like this. He is moving out next Friday. I guess it may be easier when this happens but I just feel he didn't give me a chance to turn things around. I have been depressed over other family matters and he didn't really offer any support but he has not taken this into account, he says that he still loves me but says that's not enough. I just don't understand why he is being so unkind to me yet still wants to keep in touch! If he loves me shouldn't he give us another go.

Wow he really is a twat of the highest order.
Totally agree with others that you should get his stuff bagged up and put on the doorstep for Friday.
All his tools etc.... look on ebay and get a rough estimate of what they are worth and sell them.
He owes you a tonne of money and this can go towards paying it off.
With his £100 a month offer, it means this arsehole will take 11+ years to pay this off.
Get to a solicitor asap to find out where you stand legally regarding the debt.
Do NOT let him stay on Friday.
He moves out immediately!
Stay strong. The scales are falling from your eyes at last.
Get angry!

tess it is NOT your fault, OK. Not. Your. Fault.

He is a liar - you know this already so why do you believe him.

He is a passive aggressive arse.

He is a waste of your time.

He has never been your partner. I'm not even sure he's ever even been your friend.

And he's been second best to your children - what the jeff! If he bothered to actually be part of their lives, and a true partner to you, he wouldn't have been so busy competing with children, and he might have actually enjoyed them.

I will ask you though to please, please stop calling his moody shite 'sensitive'.

Please get him out of your home, and away from your lovely kids - you'll find life as a single parent so much easier if you're not carrying this looser.

And YY to what all the other posters are telling you about solicitors, etc.

Hi, I'm feeling more positive now well at this moment anyway. Not long until the big move out day. I'm thinking that I'm not the same person I was and I want that person back. So once he has gone I will be able to focus. Its hard seeing him in the mornings he acts as right as rain, chatting like nothings happened. I wake up at 4'ish and cant get back to sleep, stomach churning. Thank you all for your support. I will up date after the event!

You will find yourself again.
It takes a bit of time but just get friends and family around you and they can help you through it.
I hope tomorrow goes smoothly and just buggers off with his stuff.
Let him go to OW - she'll soon learn, like you have, what an knob he his.

As I keep missing him in the morning I have texted to ask him when he is going. He says he is leaving tomorrow and that he "hopes we can keep in touch sometimes as he would like to know how me and kids are doing". This did bring a tear to me eye! He has also confirmed by text the amount of debt and how much he has agreed to pay a month. (Could I def use this legally if necessary?).

As for tomorrow is it best if I keep out of the way and let him go or should I make sure I am at home, watching him pack would be hard tho! I needs to leave his key.....ooh i'm wobbling a bit now :(

You need to get tough about the money. Do not let him take his stuff if it is valuable and can be sold to clear some of the debts. You need to get a written acknowledgement of the amount of debt, and that he is responsible for paying it off. I'm not clear still, is this all in your name? If so you know as well as I do that he is going to sail off into the sunset and leave you to deal with it. You need legal advice, maybe ask on the legal board here?

As for parting amicably, why do you want to be friends with a turd?

Sorry to be harsh but he couldn't give a toss about you or your kids, and you need to protect yourself from having to service his debts long into the future. You said yourself you know he will not pay. He sees a few texts now and again as an easy way to get his 1000s of pounds of debt paid for him, like giving a dog a biscuit to keep it happy. Be the woman who stands up and makes him accountable, not another in his line of victims. If you still have the statements and the purchases can be shown to be things for him it would probably help you if it gets legal.

He's screwing another woman.
He screwed me over.
He's a liar.
He's a cheat.
He's a cocklodger.
He's a wanker.
He stole who I am.
Just keep saying this every time you wobble.

It will be very hard to be there. Could a family member or friend be there instead to make sure you get key and him out of there?

And yes... Keep that message regarding the debt. Show it to the solicitor and see what they say about it.

Keep strong. This 'man' (I use the word loosely here) is no good for you at all. Follow through or he'll keep using you as his doormat!

Thanks for your advice, I guess he is just trying to keep me sweet. He is going to leave all his tools (garage full) and his collection in the shed until he can come with a van to pick up. I will not let him have a thing until the financial stuff is sorted.

Brilliant - show the solicitor the text re the debt. You won't see all that money again, not in a million years, but you might get £5,000 at the small claims court. I'd stay away tomorrow tbh. Tell him by text to leave his key, but whether he does or not, change the locks front and back. It's always worth having complete peace of mind.

Update - well he's gone. There was always a little of me that thought he would stay at the last minute - not that I should even be thinking that way. I'm not tearful at all in fact I'm quite calm I cant really believe that this isn't happening... a bit.... I got home he was still here. Very chatty even made me a cuppa. Said he had taken a lot of his stuff to his new place. But I looked after he had gone, he has left 90% of his dvd's, a drawer full of clothes and lots of bits and bobs around the house. When saying goodbye he asked if he could keep his key! I didn't hesitate in saying no...he looked really alarmed and asked if I was going to get rid of his stuff. I told him it was safe as I was going to receive regular money from him. This put him all of a tither he actually walked out without one of his bin liners and his holdall. He said he wanted a key in case he wanted to collect something of his from the shed and I wasn't in. I told him to text me when he wanted something. (He will be getting a friend to help him move stuff in a few weeks). He told my daughter that she must call him if we ever need help. There were tears in his eys as we said our goodbyes...but he still left :(

Good riddens to bad rubbish!

Clear the rest of his things out of the house and put them in the garage. Its your house now. ? .

Can you change your locks? Have a friend with you for when he comes for his stuff because he's still wiping his feet over you by sleeping in your bed when youre not there.

In your mind you know this ( non) relationship is over please take back your control and don't let him use you any more like this.

From now on you take control and you call the shots and he gets no free lodging any more.

This man is a greedy, nasty selfish piece of work and I'm sorry you ever got mixed up with him.

I can say that because there are so many traits in my ex especially at the end of our relationship.

Hopefully you've seen him off by now.

I think it's so sad that you've spent the festive time in silence. How sad that is. Well it won't happen next Christmas or Easter even ;-)

Must have xposted!

Oh well done you.

Today is the start of the rest of your life. He still wanted a key so he could get his stuff.

So using you as a free storage facility as well.

Can you get a hard copy of that text. If ever you need to go to court ( I've been watching judge rinder) it's all about what's written on paper and signed. Although the text is better than nothing.

How about telling him that for every payment you receive off him he gets to take one or two items back as he has a lot of debt he needs to repay. Have you a RL friend who. Would oversee these proceedings. If he misses a payment you will sell items to the value of the missed payment .

Could you squeeze in a visit to CAB ( citizens advice) to see how you stand legally but I would still make it clear he only takes when he pays and you are using his possessions against the debt. I'm thinking of that bailiff programme. Cab may even see if there is a way to Write to the debt company and reduce payments.

Good luck.

I hope he didn't take a key after all and you get to enjoy a peaceful life.

Don't feel too bad at all today at the moment. I don't feel weepy or mopey but I do keep thinking about where he is. He knows where I am, not doing much. Always there. Thanks for the advice. I'm not going to let him tell me when he can come collect. If its convenient for me then ill sort something. Yes took your advice and I have arranged for the locks to be changed for my own peace of mind. He's proven himself a bit devious in the past so I do not believe he hasn't taken a copy anyway. I have just looked round the garden and its as though he is still here also. There's tyres, pieces of his car (roof rack rods) pieces of wood, just like the building site my garden was. I will make a move and box it and put it in the shed. He just didn't seem to get much done yesterday at all. I haven't been up in the loft yet I bet he hasn't even been up there! Christmas was tough but I got through it by thinking and knowing there were families much more worse off than me or were going through personal tragedy so my worries were nothing compared to theirs. Me and the kids went to my mum and dad's for Christmas dinner as always but he refused to come. So the day itself wasn't spoiled, he often gets tetchy around Christmas anyway. Anyway I have been asked out tonight to a dance do with friends so do you know what I'm going to wash my hair find my lippy and go!

I want to get a hard copy, but not sure how to do it!! Good idea about the payment plan. I will get some advice. I said to him it would take a while to pay off but he knew this and said he would just let the ddi run on. I thought he either wants to keep the connection (what I still half want to hear I know silly cow) or that he'll keep payments up until he has his stuff and then the payments will stop. Wish I could trust him.

Oh good for you.

It feels like your life was on hold for about 8.5 years when he changed.

Yes, I know of two families that lost a loved one right on Christmas. This happens. My dad died at Christmas time , and yes it's rotten but that next Christmas comes and feelings are less raw but you've been ground down for years .

I hope you will get stronger and the first whiff of BS from any one new will have you running for the hills

At least you don't have to give up your home Tess like a lot of women have to do and maybe the children can forge a better relationship with their dad.

I always listen out when a man doesn't like another man.....and it's often not jealousy linked either.

My cousins wife ( after they split up) got on with my cousins mate. He warned her not to do it. He's my mate but he's not nice to women he told her. She ignored his advice, thought it was sour grapes, jealousy or whatever and of course he ended up hitting her.

A new day, a new dawn. Hope it's a good one for you.

I'm not very tetchy. Can you forward a txt to an email then print it out?

Gawd...I mean techy

This might help

m.wikihow.com/Send-a-Text-Message-to-Your-Email

Cheeky bloody sod!! "What if I want to collect some stuff when you're out?" Erm, it's not your fucking house, so you can't, obviously! Imagine that - thinking he could still swan in and out of your home whenever he wanted! Complete tit.

You do make me smile....complete tit!! Yeah i'll sort something with the text thanks for the info. If I do ever meet someone....cant even think about that but I will certainly know when to run. I look back and think why did I just let him emotionally abuse me with his sulks and controlling behaviour. It was ridiculous of me not being able to express how I felt or discussing problems without the fear of him threatening to leave me if he didn't like what I said. I had to be happy and chirpy 24/7. He couldn't deal with any problem. He cant sort anything out has no clue about bills. I did it all. He was constantly saying to me 'you hate me' you hate me don't you. I had to mind how to tell him to stop saying this. Any wrong tone of voice he would go and sulk maybe say again he was leaving. He once even sulked for three weeks over the fact I think I wasn't giving him enough attention (my neighbour and friend died suddenly and I was absolutely gutted) he had an argument with my son then 15 (both to blame for that one only something silly) but then turned round to me and said he was leaving me! He came back after a night away and some begging from me (idiot) but when he came back he sulked and said he wasn't going to eat for 10 days as he wanted to kill himself this way. He had looked this up on the internet. How insensitive was that...my neighbour had ended her life. Why or why did I put myself through this!

Feels a bit strange now he's not here but not too strange as he was never here much anyway! I'm slowly packing up his stuff which he forgot? to take. Loads of dvds, clothes. House is so untidy haven't done anything over the weekend. I was really positive, as deep down I know I could never have kicked his sorry arse out myself, but over the weekend I kept thinking what he would be doing and who with and this morning I feel so sad. Just seems strange to be free......

He's building up a relationship with some poor clueless sod who thinks he's great (or at least average) so he can suck all of their happiness, energy and money out of them. Again. Don't dwell on it. He's not even there and you're doing his tidying and packing for him, the lazy bastard. I'd be sorely tempted to get a skip and put all his crap in it tbh, but maybe see if he does pay a few months of his £100 payments first I suppose (at least that'll cover the skip money). First sniff off him not paying - skip. x

On second thoughts, he'll never know - the lazy sod probably won't pick up his crap anyway. He's probably quite happy to have it all over your house/garden/shed. Get a skip anyway! If he asks, it's in 'storage' for him until you get your £14,000 back (in the unlikely event you ever get it all back, then you can buy him some new dvds). x

I was thinking of having a car boot. As for the clothes he left I'm taking them to the clothes bank in exchange for money! Trouble with me is always try and see the nice side of people, always making excuses for their behaviour, I'm just so soft. Don't shout :) but I'm even feeling a little sorry for him after all he came with nothing and has left with nothing so guess he has wasted 9 years too ....slap me.... no I'm not I know he will never have what he had with me, or could have had with me, he will always move on from one woman to the next at least I have my wonderful kids and supportive mum and dad bless them, my home and a good job! I have stability and security. Thank you for all your good advice. It has really helped, provided me with some giggles!