Age differences: does it matter?!?!

[NotAMamaYet]

Me and DP have an age gap of 12 years... most people are uber taken aback (given we met when I was officially a teenager) and I have to admit before him I would have been a wee bit shocked at 12 years

obviously there are some discrepancies in the way we live etc, he was v eager for kids very early on in our relationship, I still like to go out and have a drink or two or ten which he does aswell, but maybe not the regularity I do

also there have been a few issues with friends - he totally isn't eager to meet mine but I am obliged (and totally don't actually mind) meeting all his

HOWEVER - always warned by people that it'll never work, age difference causes way too many problems and that basically we are destined to end up breaking up.

is anyone else in a big age gap relationship and was this the same for you??

no I just know it is. He's the first person who saw it really, and was shocked. But obviously i've been around people who've talked about it, I'm aware of how stupid it is...

he has spoken to others, in front of me, about his views on it that kind of upset me. mostly he's understanding, only when i do 'relapse' does he sometimes gets cross. he thinks it's a reflection on him, which its totally not. i just sometimes need to.... did it daily for years, it's weird not to now

So he embarrasses you in front of people talking about a personal problem and then gets cross if you are struggling?

Like I said earlier. The man is a cock.

he didn't say i did it - he was talking about someone else, a family member, who was threatening to do something of the sort. he said it was attention seeking behaviour. which i suppose it is.

And when did he qualify as a doctor exactly?

I think the problem with this relationship is that you are not equal in the relationship (which can be common where there is a large age gap - though not necessarily a given).

You assume that he is right on most things and wiser and smarter than you, because he's older than you. Does he make you feel equal in the relationship, or does he take on the role of Mr Always Right?

FYI - if someone is violent with you it's time to leave - no amount of being a bitch deserves violence, ever. If he's violent toward you, it's because he's violent. If he talks about your self harming to others in front of you, when he knows you don't want him to, he's embarrassing you for a reason. If your ADs are making you jittery and unhappy, go and tell your GP. I find your comment that he appreciated the gesture of going on ADs. Anyone who goes on ADs should be on them because that's what's best for them, not their partner.

The problem isn't the age gap.

The problem is a man who 'makes you feel like an underdog', 'does everything for you'- (what does that even mean?!!) and wants to get his young and yes vulnerable gf pregnant in under a year.

I'm sorry but you saying you feel more mature than your friends or saying he looks younger than 32 are not what's important here. What's important is that he is a twat - a violent one at that.

Massive huge red flags all over this one OP! Seriously. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong, please, please listen to them.

You have so much going for you but are also vulnerable and abusive, controlling men like your bf can sense this like a shark senses blood.

If you move in with him and get pregnant I would bet my house that his behaviour will escalate and you will find yourself completely isolated at the mercy of a man who will grind you down and hurt you. This will not end well.

As for the age difference, abusive men often target younger women. Especially vulnerable ones. It means they are easier to manipulate and control.

You could have an amazing future ahead of you and if you dump this guy I guarantee you will soon realise you dodged a bullet.

OP I don't think it's the age that's making him like this, I think he sounds like a really nasty, abusive dick and you'd be better off without him :(

FWIW, I'm engaged to a man 9 years older, and I'm 20. We've been together since I was sixteen, known each other through a mutual hobby since I was thirteen, but didn't really even become friends until I'd turned sixteen.

It's hard to tell whether I'm as mature as he is, or he's as immature as I am, as we seem to have fits and spurts of maturity and daftness, but either way, we seem to work together. It's a little 'opposites attract' - I'm an extrovert and he's quite shy, I'm very independent whereas he didn't move away from the area he grew up in until two years ago. We're both full time university students.

Please don't let him get you pregnant. I fell pregnant accidentally (and it was my accident, before anyone suggests he 'got me pregnant' - I'd been quite firmly 'No babies or marriage for years and years and years') and I love DD to bits, wouldn't change her for the world, and we've managed to continue with our studies with no time out, but that's only because he's supportive and responsible, and we work as a team. Neither one of us controls the other.

If you have a baby with this man, he'll control you completely, and you'll be dependent on him. From the way you've described him, he doesn't sound like the sort who'd approach fatherhood with any kind of maturity or responsibility - rather, he gets the cute little baby and the obedient wife while you do everything, run yourself into the ground and give up a chance of getting out and doing whatever you'd like to do.

The world's your oyster at the moment. People always seem to immediately jump to travelling (which made no difference to me as I can't fly and never really wanted to travel), but it's not just that - you can really make the most of your twenties. As you say; you like going out for drinks - make the most of it! Now's the best time for it. You're adventurous, that much is clear - having a baby with this man, and indeed committing yourself to him any more, will put a stop to that :(

The age gap isn't what you need to be focusing on here. You could find a lovely man ten, fifteen years older than you who is perfect for you and treats you right and you work as an excellent partnership. You could find a complete knob your own age. Unfortunately the man you're with now is a complete knob, but with the added power of being older than you, which probably makes him quite intimidating. Get away from him while you can

You have received excellent advice from the MNetters, but it seems you are ducking and diving, rather than facing facts.
As an intelligent person you must know that your BF has found a way to control you, and added violence to the mix.
He has struck you!
If any man raises a hand against a defenceless woman, it is a total Deal Breaker. What a coward.

It is not any woman, either, It is YOU, a vulnerable young thing with absolutely no self esteem, who self harms through her own anguish.

Please WAKE UP from the illusion that this is going to end well.
He is Machiavelli in Sheep's Clothing.

Haven't been back since I left, March last year, and feel proper yearnings for it. Cliche as it sounds but totally found myself there, first taste of freedom and all that.

If you stay with this man I don't think you'll ever go back to Paris, or have freedom again.

I can just imagine your posts, 10 years down the line, asking for advice on how to be free of him.

I agree. If you end up with this man, babies et al, you'll wistfully be looking back at those fabulous years you spent in Paris.

Now, having taken that leap of confidence to do that doesn't indicate a bad decision maker to me. Going to live in a foreign country, different language, going to university there is HUGE in my book. Great decisions all of them.

Very nasty - apart from the violence - to be making a dig at you in public about your self-harming. He may have been talking about someone else but his message to you was loud and clear. These are the subtle put-downs that men like this use. Eroding your self confidence.

The fact that he doesn't want to spend time with your friends shows he doesn't care about your needs and wants and basically wants to isolate you from them.

Oh, and it's a fact that violence can be ramped up during a woman's pregnancy.

If I were in your shoes I'd be quick-footing it back to Paris! The world is your oyster. Don't let this man clamp it shut!!!

NotA, self-harm is generally accepted to be a (often completely private) coping mechanism, not attention-seeking behaviour. He's a cock that doesn't have a clue what he's talking about. Don't let him tell you what the purpose of your own behaviour is if it doesn't sit right with how you know it to be.

From Mind:

Sometimes people talk about self-harm as attention-seeking. If people make comments like this, it can leave you feeling judged and alienated. In reality, most people keep their self-harm private, and it can feel very painful to have your behaviour misunderstood in this way.

If you do self-harm as a way of bringing attention to yourself, remember that you deserve a respectful response from those around you, including from medical professionals.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.VM06l8bFojE

My dp's ex wife is 40 and is with a man who is 76
Call me cynical but I wonder if the fact that's he's a millionaire is making him more attractive

Just read the whole thread. Your problem is not the age gap, it is him. You two are not suited.

Despite the fab bits there are...

He refuses to meet your friends (apparently they are immature but he wouldn't know because he hasn't actually met them)

He is unsympathetic to your nervousness meeting his family and friends. (My dh was very supportive with the whole idea. Held my hand, didn't leave me alone made sure I was ok)

Actually admits he likes making decisions for you. Do you think he will give this up easily? Do you think he will go 'oh, she is so decisive now, I can step back and leave her to it, even if it is against what I want'?
(You are 20! When I was 20 with little family support I couldn't make decisions. But I experienced life, learnt things, grew as a person and left Aus and moved to eng at 25. I'm 35 now and still can't decided what to have for dinner- who cares)

I get that it is nice to have someone make decisions for you, especially if you have spent your childhood having to make decisions and deal with concepts that a child shouldn't have to. Been there done that. It is nice to be looked after for a change. But that won't last. And after a while you will be either fighting for your freedom for you and your children or your self esteem will be so low you will never have the confidence to make a decision again.

He helped you get on ADs, but he passively aggressively makes you feel shit about yourself as he talks about how bad people are who do what you do. He may not say 'this is what you do'oublically but he knows you are listening, and again he is showing no empathy towards you and your situation. You would assume he would speak sympathetically about people in your situation. Not make them feel worse!

He wants to isolate you from your friends. He may not have said that, but having you move so far away, that is what he is doing.

Then he wants you to get pregnant. You entire world will be him. Your home, your money will come from him. Your social life will be him. Because you are new to an area, a young mother (and remember people your age are immature and therefore he shouldn't be expected to spend time with) you will stuggle to find a strong support network that you could turn to if you need help.

Oh yes, and a young mother, who has a colicky baby, hasn't slept for a few days, who is alone with no support network and very stressed. You are now with a man who deals with someone pushing his buttons with A LITTLE VIOLENCE.

The age gap is not your problem.

Sorry. Publically not whatever oubially is.

Er 2he turned a little bit violent with me"

RUN FOR THE HILLS

I usually have larger age gaps. Last was only 7 years and one before that (stbexh) was 12 years and together for around 8 years. Biggest gap was 30 years and another 23 years who I was with for 7 years. I'm shit in relationships to be honest and not sure that it's connected to age gaps. I simply don't find most men my age attractive. I also have had quite a life for my age and appreciate a more mature man who's also had a lot of life experience. If you like and fancy them it doesn't really matter what their age is. If you smile more than you frown when thinking about them then go for it!

I hope you will make good choices for yourself now that you are seeing and writing here the things that have made you feel so bad around him.

No, sure, you don't want to face that, and of course, the decision the choice is very much yours to see these things or not.

I think its important to know when to quit tho. You quite clearly don't like this guy and his ways at all. They upset you, and i'm not surprised.

Now you only have to act on that, by valuing yourself more than you value this other person.

You have discovered he makes you feel bad, and question yourself.

saying that self-harming is attention-seeking, is to truly misunderstand whats going on for the people that suffer so badly with this.

and to say those words, which clearly don't all belong together 'only a little bit of violence' - speaks volumes about your expectation of respect for yourself.

I am very sad that you find yourself in this most awful of places, whats worse is that its rather like drug addiction and not as easy to walk away from as a 'normal' relationship (which, altho there is no 'normal' relationship, this definitely isn't it!).

From the outside, you would think it would be easy to just walk away, but the dynamic is getting set already and the hooks are already in there. It does come to something when a woman defends a man who was violent to her. This tells me that you are already a long way in.. in commitment terms and 'love'.

You will read that this is not love that this man is showing you, despite you thinking it looks and feels like it. Head yo-yo.

stay safe and value yourself. ... you might love what you think he is, but i do 'get' that its hard to see the pattern so clearly when you are in it. Wood for trees thing.