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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Age differences: does it matter?!?!

119 replies

NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 15:43

Me and DP have an age gap of 12 years... most people are uber taken aback (given we met when I was officially a teenager) and I have to admit before him I would have been a wee bit shocked at 12 years

obviously there are some discrepancies in the way we live etc, he was v eager for kids very early on in our relationship, I still like to go out and have a drink or two or ten which he does aswell, but maybe not the regularity I do Blush

also there have been a few issues with friends - he totally isn't eager to meet mine but I am obliged (and totally don't actually mind) meeting all his

HOWEVER - always warned by people that it'll never work, age difference causes way too many problems and that basically we are destined to end up breaking up.

is anyone else in a big age gap relationship and was this the same for you??

OP posts:
debbriana · 30/01/2015 18:43

If you think of age as a problem them you will have a problem. If you only remember the age gap when someone mentions it then the reason for splitting should be different. My partner is twice my age. No issues.

Legwarmersforboys · 30/01/2015 18:45

23 yr age gap
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Taylor-Johnson

HoVis2001 · 30/01/2015 19:07

I had a relationship with a man about 13 years older than me when I was 18. He was a tosser and would have been so whatever the age gap. Many guys are wonderful and continue to be so regardless of the age gap between themselves and their partner.

However, with the benefit of hindsight I think that one (of many...) red flags with the man I was involved with was that he never showed any consciousness of the potential problems of our age gap. I think that what a PP said about 'different ages, different stages' is very apt. It is likely that with a 12 year age gap two people may be at very different points in life. This can be successfully worked around but it takes recognition and discussion on both sides - some admission that yes, the older partner wants to be settled soon but the younger partner isn't quite ready so you meet in the middle.

Has he shown any indication to 'slow down' to your timetable, OP? You mention thinking about kids quite soon - is this entirely you accommodating his plans? Do you feel able to tell him you aren't ready for that?

jani64 · 30/01/2015 19:11

An age difference by itself might not be a problem but this might go hand in hand with a power imbalance - and it sounds as if this is the case for you OP. From my own experience - my DH was approx 20 years older - other people were initially surprised when they saw us together, but I didn't mind that. The relationship worked quite well for the first few years, I think because I was willing to be guided and, once the DC came along, was prepared to be easy going because it made family life pleasanter. However, as time went on, my DH still automatically thought he should make all decisions (including about my career), but in the end the relationship failed because I had changed and wanted to make my own decisions.

ineedsomeinspiration · 30/01/2015 19:12

I met my dh when I was 19 and he was 29, he had been married before. Quite a few Hmm faces including dh mum. 15 1/2 years on and we've just got married and have a gorgeous 3 year old.

Age difference hasn't really mattered apart from dh feeling he's maybe too old to try for number 2 (we still are though)

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 19:13

hovis2001 we have had the conversation - he initially didn't want children and it was actually his sister that told me, after a few meetings, that everyone was shocked at his recent admission that he did actually want children.

when we were in our - what you could call honeymoon phase - we did have a few serious conversations about having kids... kind of immediately where i did say yes.

however, due to the nature of our relationship he wasnt eager - at the start - to tell his parents about me. they loved his ex gf and he was worried how they'd take it. he did once suggest i just get pregnant and he tell his parents about me that way Hmm thats where i drew the line.

he acknowledges that i'm at a different stage in my life and encourages me to carry on with my studies etc. it's just in some respects, ie the moving in that he doesnt really seem to think about it. and neither do i really, we are a great match and get on so well... it's only when i mention it in conversation with my friends that it suddenly seems a bit weird

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 19:16

jani64 what you say about wanting to be guided.... thats me. i'm shit with decisions - i can't decide what to have for dinner. and by shit i mean shit.

boyfriend is uber decisive and knows exactly what he wants when he wants it and has freely admitted he likes making decisions for me. i do like to think he makes the decisions for me though, not to swing things in his favour.

OP posts:
HedgehogsDontBite · 30/01/2015 19:16

My mum got married when she was 16 to my dad who was 36. They were together for 45 years (until he psssed away). In all that time he never so much as raised his voice to her.

Age gap relationships can work. Violent ones can't, whatever the ages involved.

If he's been violent once, he will be violent again and it will escalate. It's just a matter of 'when?'.

Floppityflop · 30/01/2015 19:19

I was 26 when I met DH and he was 35. It didn't seem to matter at that time but now all his friends' children are grown up and we don't even have any yet! (I'm now late thirties.) Also, I still like to party a bit and he is much happier at home. But I think that, although he likes to go to bed early, he still has way more energy than me and this is more a body clock thing (he's a lark). I think if I had met a man closer to my own age there would have been a bigger chance of having children by now, but maybe not.

trackrBird · 30/01/2015 19:22

Age gaps are a neutral factor, rather than something that matters or does not matter.

In your case the age gap is not a positive factor. It's being used by your partner to gain power over you. He says your friends are immature but pressures you into integrating with his.

He also makes you feel the underdog in the relationship with regard to money. He's hassling you into producing babies when you aren't keen. Wants you to move away from your friends. Worst of all,he's been violent to you.

It's time for you to wake up to the controlling and aggressive man you have, rather than the one you think you have.

Tinks42 · 30/01/2015 19:24

OP he's a predator.

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 19:41

Do not move away from your friends to be with a man who has been violent.

It always escalates. if you don't dump him the second after he was violent, what he hears from you is "i'll tolerate that because I feel I deserved it''." That's the message he got when you didn't instantly end the relationship after he hit you.

I'm not typing this from wikipedia. I know. It started out as a shove, and then a shove and a push, and then a shove and a push and a poke and. and. and. It built up every time. Sometimes at the beginning it was months between each 'explosion' But there was always a next time, and it was always worse than the last time.

Please OP don't even think about the age gap. Just think about staying with your own friends and getting on with the great business of being 20! Wine Take care of yourself but enjoy your youth. Don't follow an entitled violent predator around.

passthewineplz · 30/01/2015 20:00

Run for the hills lass! He doesn't want to meet your friends, and has been violent these are warning signs. He sounds possessive, and insecure and should be pursing someone more his age.

I'm not saying it's the age gap that's the problem, it's his behaviour. He could be your age, and I'd still advise you to run.

Yes he's lovely, but I'm gessing if you move in together he won't be so lovely. If he loves you he'll be willing to wait a bit longer

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 30/01/2015 20:25

He is grooming you.

He sounds awful. Controlling and abusive. And yes of course he is lovely, because abusers are not abusive all the time, or their victims wouldn't stick around.

You are supposed to let him decide everything, and because you've been trained to think he rescued you, he is super-decisive and you're not, and so on, mostly you let him.

When you stepped out of line once, he hit you.

If as you mature, you get stronger and more independent-minded, he will hit you again.

He's trying to isolate you from your friends, who are potential sources of support for you, by disparaging them and now by physically removing you from them.

He wants you pregnant as another means of making you even more dependent on him.

holeinmyheart · 31/01/2015 08:37

Wow! No one can be a little bit violent. They either are or are not. There is NO WAY any woman is responsible for a man hitting them.

You say you like being directed and told what to do? But you are only 20 and you are going to grow up and hopefully mature and become more confident.

How will you like it in a few years, when he says, do this, or that, and it is backed up by his fist?

Sorry but I think things are going to get worse. Leave him.

MauriceTheCat · 31/01/2015 09:11

What you are hearing here is that some relationships work despite of age differences but because of mutual respect and compatibility. I am not sure you have either at the moment, you admit he can be violent, that you are at different stages of life and that there is an imbalance of power.

None of these things make a happy relationship

JaceyBee · 31/01/2015 09:33

I am 11 years older than the guy I'm seeing. It's great but it's not going to last. We're just enjoying it for what it is now Smile

Your relationship on the other hand sounds seriously unhealthy. It's not the age gap that's the issue, it's how controlling he is. You may like being told what to do now but that fear of decision making you currently have means that it's even more important that you learn to make them, how are you going to grow into a fully functioning adult otherwise? I would absolutely spend some time working on this in your therapy.

I'm sorry love but this man sounds like bad news, he really does. I think deep down you know this but don't want to see it, which is totally understandable. I think if you leave your friends and move in with him you will one day come to regret not listening to these doubts. Carry on seeing him but long distance, if he tries to manipulate you into committing before you're ready by saying its all or nothing, well this is even more evidence that he's not someone you want to be committed to.

MessyRedHair · 31/01/2015 10:11

I agree. What drew me to a domineering partner 15 years ago was that deficit in my own confidence to make a decision. As jayceebee says, that's something that will get worse the longer u r with a domineering partner. And that's without even factoring in the "little bit of violence".

I hope u r still reading op. [Brew]

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 31/01/2015 13:51

Hi thanks for all your advice ladies!!

messy i definitely am drawn to him because he has so much life experience and the whole decision making thing for him makes my life so much easier. had a funny few years, leaving home, moving abroad and not really having a family as back up meaning him providing this stability, through him making my choices is silly but i figured i'd grow out of it.... am i being unrealistic?

i think i really need to properly sit down and speak to him about it. i know that he will be unwilling really to do long distance again but now you've hashed it all out for me i can verbalise it properly to him. the only thing i'm afraid of is the fact he says i can come across ungrateful.... he's offering me a house to live in, he's well paid we have a fab lifestyle at the moment and i worry that it comes across as unappreciative and grabby??

jaceybee i started this relationship thinking it was just a bit of fun and it wasnt going to last... not sure if this is why i'm suddenly having these second thoughts

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 31/01/2015 14:04

Age gap no problem, I know a lively couple with this kind of gap, thru had children when she was about 25.

He is controlling though. You are posting this because you know deep down this relationship isn't right. Please stay where you are, keep your friends and find someone else.

tobysmum77 · 31/01/2015 14:05

and if you stayed with him for his money that is grabby.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 14:19

NEVER stay with someone out of gratitude. NEVER be in a relationship with someone who expects gratitude. NEVER deliberately make yourself financially dependent on someone who expects gratitude. You will always end up beholden to a person like that, they will believe they own yiu, and you will always be the weaker partner in the relationship.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 31/01/2015 14:34

i'd never stay with him for his money - it's never about money for me, it's only sometimes i feel shitty as i can't contribute nearly as much as him. which he doesnt understand i don't think - i don't want to put myself in a situation where i am compeltely dependant

lightbulb moment - which means i shouldnt really move down with him. i can't put aaaanything down for a deposit on the house where we'd live. just makes me worry about, what if things don't work out, where does that leave me??

absolute headf*ck.... but then nothing ventured is nothing gained and i don' want to end the relationship based on a few blips and 'what if it doesn't work out'

he's been working away since monday and comes back today.. dreading bringing it up with him

OP posts:
MessyRedHair · 31/01/2015 14:43

"messy i definitely am drawn to him because he has so much life experience and the whole decision making thing for him makes my life so much easier. had a funny few years, leaving home, moving abroad and not really having a family as back up meaning him providing this stability, through him making my choices is silly but i figured i'd grow out of it.... am i being unrealistic?"

I have spoken to more than a handful of other women who have for similar reasons felt themselves drawn to domineering &/or older men.

Thing is it might temporarily make the next year easier but it will make your entire LIFE MUCH MUCH HARDER.

what jayceebee says sums it up perfectly. Trust yourself that when faced with uncertainty and indecision you on your own can make a decision. Who knows, it might not be the right one, but if you're with your friends and you're supported and people trust you to make good decisions then that's the person you'll grow to be. If you're with somebody who over rules you and makes you feel that every decision you make is wrong you'll grow in to a quivering insecure wreck.

It happened to me. I was only discussing the parallels in my relationship and another poster's very recently. We had both had a nomadic few years and ended up with 'settled' types who were very certain of their own decision making.

Don't worry about where leaving him leaves you. Ask your friends if anybody is looking for a flatmate.

It's more than a few blips I'd say. It's a complete power imbalance and a lack of consideration for your friends, your age, your right not to endure a bit of violence

xx

MessyRedHair · 31/01/2015 14:45

ps, to quote Anne Dickson for the book "a woman in my own right" one of rights is to make a mistake! (she lists them all off).

You have the right to make a mistake, so even if you occasionally made a mistake as a single woman, it would be your own mistake, and it would have been made following your heart and you would have lived and learnt from it.

You can't learn anything when every decision you make is made to please somebody else.