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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Age differences: does it matter?!?!

119 replies

NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 15:43

Me and DP have an age gap of 12 years... most people are uber taken aback (given we met when I was officially a teenager) and I have to admit before him I would have been a wee bit shocked at 12 years

obviously there are some discrepancies in the way we live etc, he was v eager for kids very early on in our relationship, I still like to go out and have a drink or two or ten which he does aswell, but maybe not the regularity I do Blush

also there have been a few issues with friends - he totally isn't eager to meet mine but I am obliged (and totally don't actually mind) meeting all his

HOWEVER - always warned by people that it'll never work, age difference causes way too many problems and that basically we are destined to end up breaking up.

is anyone else in a big age gap relationship and was this the same for you??

OP posts:
MessyRedHair · 31/01/2015 14:49

and ps again, it doesn't matter what you have for dinner!

You can't really self-destruct making bad decisions about what to have for dinner. If you are a bit indecisive, part of that could be that you're easy-going and domineering people will smell that like a hound on a hunt.

I've made lots of mistakes and some of them I regret for a little while but mostly I end up not regretting them or I totally forget my mistakes. There are so few mistakes that I would berate myself for years down the line. So just 'set yourself free' and trust you to look after you. Trust your gut. And don't be afraid to live and learn.

bringmejoy2015 · 31/01/2015 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrispyFern · 31/01/2015 14:55

He does not sound like a keeper.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2015 15:01

You are twenty years old!

I'm sorry if I offend anyone on here who has an older partner, but I think a man of 30 who gets involved with an 18 year old will often have problems. Not always (before I get slammed) but often. Frankly, most 30 year olds want to mix with other people their own age and most 18 year olds do, too.

OP, I think your not having a close family has a lot to do with this. He acts as a kind of father figure - offers you a home, gets angry if you seem ungrateful for it (treating this place like a hotel!), likes to make decisions for you, thinks he knows what's best for you, thinks your friends are immature. If your father acted like that, I'd advise you to leave home.

Your relationship isn't equal and he doesn't want it to be, either. Is that truly what you want?

I wrote this then read about the violence - you know it will happen again. It always does. He thinks he's the boss of you and has got away with violence already.

You are twenty years old! Go and have some fun! Tell us about Paris - was it amazing? Are you a student?

MessyRedHair · 31/01/2015 15:03

yes, you were brave enough to relocate to Paris! You ask what will happen to you if you end the relationship with him?

It sounds like your confidence is going backwards not forwards. You have already lived abroad, in a big city with a foreign language!

NotAMamaYet · 31/01/2015 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2015 15:13

Listen: a fab boyfriend does not hit you!

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 31/01/2015 15:19

It was only the once - he didn't hit me per say. He was totally apologetic and swore it would never happen again. I'm a total b*tch when i want to be and I did drive him to it. It wasn't bad really

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 31/01/2015 15:27

I relocated 5 hours away to live with now DH when I was 21 and he 33 in 1990,he had his own paid for house so huge financial imbalance.(We moved very quickly into our own house)
Ten years of me having ME from 1995 should balance out any caring for him I may have to do if I looked at it on paper and even though he is now soon to be 58 he is far more spontaneous and random for want of a better word than I am.

You just don't know what will happen in the future.
To be fair I was totally sure he was the one.

JaceyBee · 31/01/2015 15:34

And I'm not sure if doing everything for you makes him a fab bf or a controlling one?

Listen, I'm sorry if you feel upset and defensive and that we're just a bunch of wizened, bitter old crones trying to spoil your fun Wink but you sound like a wonderful, bright, energetic, brave young woman with a amazing future ahead of you and we just don't want this man to suck all that vibrancy and vitality out of you and leave you a shell of yourself. People as full of life and energy as you are prime pickings for controlling and abusive men as they feed off you for their own predatory self-esteem. And although we don't know this guy, we know these guys only too well!

stayathomegardener · 31/01/2015 15:34

Ooops just like imperial I read of the violence after posting.

The age gap is irrelevant then. Sad

ImperialBlether · 31/01/2015 15:38

"It was only the once" and "I drove him to it" are direct quotes from many, many women who are the victims of domestic violence.

In any case, even if you think he won't do it again (I bet you apologised, didn't you?) then there are enough other red flags to warn you off this guy.

noreplacementsfound · 31/01/2015 15:40

We have almost a fifteen year age gap and I have only positive experiences, we've been together 16 years.

The important thing is that you can do things together but you're okay with doing things apart - like all good relationships really tbh.

We have a toddler and it's true, it takes it out of DH (49). However because DH has done so well with his career we can afford a good nursery, great schooling, holidays etc. fifteen years ago it'd have been a different story.

And who knows how the future lies, but in theory I'll look after him in his old age when I'm still fairly healthy, then our son will only need to worry about me Smile

ponygirlcurtis · 31/01/2015 15:45

Hello Not - I hope you get on ok talking to him today. However, I have a feeling that when you talk to him, and present him with all the things you've gathered from on here, that the talk won't go well and you will come away with your head more spaghettified than before (technical term, that!).

He was violent towards you. That's never ok. And it is rarely just the once. I bet before this, you would have said 'If a man is violent towards me, it's over', rather than 'If a man is violent towards me I will probably be to blame but if he does it twice then it's over.' What happens the next time you are a bit bitchy? Will that be ok?

You've already said he has been violent (and even once is once too often), discounts your opinions, wont meet your friends, is already talking about babies, likes making your decisions for you. All of these are red flags. You mentioned other new sides of him you'd seen recently - are any of them concerning? Are there any other things, eg is he aggressive in arguments, does he call you names, does he put you down/criticise you, does he comment on what you are wearing/who you are going out with? Do you feel you walk on eggshells around him at all or are sometimes nervous about talking to him about something or telling him about something because of how he'll react?

If a friend came to you and told you her boyfriend had been violent towards her, but she totally deserved it so that's ok, and now she's moving in with him - what would you say?

I think the only sensible option here is to see how things go in the relationship. Don't move in with him just because he's relocating. That's too big an ask when there are so many queries about him and what type of person he really is. People sometimes don't reveal who they really are until much later.

And above all, keep posting.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 15:51

If you really think that you're a total bitch who deserves to be assaulted I'm afraid there's no one that can help you. I'm sorry you have such a dim view of yourself and such low self esteem. It's very sad.

Is this the kind of conversation you have had with friends? Are they worried about your relationship for the same reasons people here are worried? Not the age gap in isolation? It's horribly frustrating and upsetting, as a friend, seeing someone you care about being mistreated and manipulated. Of course he wants to take you away from those friends and doesn't want to have anything to do with them. How would he react, do you think, if he read what you'd written here?

rachelmonday1 · 31/01/2015 16:05

I'm 11 years older than my wife. She was 27 and I was 38 when we met, but we've been VERY happily married for 17.5 years now. What matters is the people and their attitude to life and each other, not numbers. Caring and Sharing is what it's all about :)

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2015 16:05

He is not a fab fab boyfriend. I bet he tells you/conditions you this way. Has he mentioned the ADs to you? Another controlling feature.

You are so young and it sounds like inexperienced re relationships too. I was engaged at 21 and ready to emigrate to Canada with my fiancé but I was way too young and he had drink problems.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2015 16:08

I've also been a total bitch too and tried to provoke an ex towards hitting me but he was too self controlled/a better person not to hit me. I think he'd had enough of seeing his mum hit his dad though.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 31/01/2015 16:50

superflyhigh, he was the one that actually encouraged me to go and see if AD's were for me. struggled with self harm for best part of 10years and he really didn't like it, understandably really. it's revolting and totally self absorbed and hate myself for doing it, he doesn't really understand why i enjoy it though.

i'm glad i did go though, although they make me feel gross and jittery a lot of the time. he appreciates that though and just wanted the best for me.

totally am inexperienced with all relationship though thats true... i'm getting the feeling (understatement of the year) our relationship isnt as normal as i think it is. its the most normal relationship i've ever had though.

he's very grounded. previous 'serious' relationship was with massive stoner shudder never again

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/01/2015 16:55

he turned a little bit violent with me.

My God.

Please dump this loser.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/01/2015 17:02

You sound like a sensitive, bright young woman who has her whole future ahead of her.
He wants to get you pregnant quickly.
Why is that your user name? Are you really considering it?
He might appear to be an improvement on the stoner, but I don't like the sound of him at all.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 31/01/2015 17:17

I don't think the age gap is necessarily a problem, but I do think moving would be a bad idea. At twenty you could still be at university, it's very young to start 'playing wife'.

I do have a little bit of sympathy for him on the children front - I have friends where she's ten years younger (25 and 35), and has categorically said no to marriage and children for the next 10 or so years. I know he wants to get married and have children, but at the same time, he knows that she'd be giving up a lot more than him if they were to do that.

So I do feel a bit sorry for my make friend at some points. But he is right - if you were to move and have a baby you're the one changing your life a lot more than he is. You'd be the one out of step with friends, not him.

Wrapdress · 31/01/2015 17:22

If you made as much money as he does, he wouldn't be interested in you.
If you were as old as he is, he wouldn't be interested in you.
If you had prior relationship experiences, he wouldn't be interested in you.
If you were decisive, he wouldn't be interested in you.

He's picked you because he's controlling and he can control you. All he has to do now is get your pregnant and you will be forever dependent on him - and that's what he wants.

Sounds like you need to be on your own and learn how to make your own decisions - decide who you are, what you want and don't want, what you like and don't like. You are not ever going to be able to do that within the confines of this relationship. He won't let you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 17:34

Besides the ADs are you getting any counselling or other therapy to help you deal with feelings of self hatred? It's very apparent that you have a low opinion of yourself and people who don't think they deserve love are, sadly, very vulnerable when it comes to relationships.

'Self harm' isn't confined to cutting and other physical damage. It can also mean tolersting poor treatment from others on the basis that you don't deserve better.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 31/01/2015 17:36

I agree with everything that Wrapdress just said.

NotA, did your boyfriend tell you that your self-harming was 'revolting and totally self absorbed'?

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