Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Age differences: does it matter?!?!

119 replies

NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 15:43

Me and DP have an age gap of 12 years... most people are uber taken aback (given we met when I was officially a teenager) and I have to admit before him I would have been a wee bit shocked at 12 years

obviously there are some discrepancies in the way we live etc, he was v eager for kids very early on in our relationship, I still like to go out and have a drink or two or ten which he does aswell, but maybe not the regularity I do Blush

also there have been a few issues with friends - he totally isn't eager to meet mine but I am obliged (and totally don't actually mind) meeting all his

HOWEVER - always warned by people that it'll never work, age difference causes way too many problems and that basically we are destined to end up breaking up.

is anyone else in a big age gap relationship and was this the same for you??

OP posts:
punygod · 30/01/2015 17:41

Your problems are nothing to do with the age gap, sorry.

My DP is 15 years older than me and would not behave like that.

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 17:41

He wants you to move away as well!?

Make no mistake, if this guy saw what you want as having equal importance to what HE wants he wouldn't pressure you to move away. he might ask, but the pros and cons of different locations would be discussed.

Also I think he'd want your friends to know that he was right for you which i don't think he is . Clearly he doesn't want to assuage any concerns they might have about the age gap, demonstrate the fabulous rapport you have. He just....... can't be bother?!

Also, if he was a decent guy who wanted you to have a great life and meet your potential and be happy and be with him for all the right reasons, he wouldn't be pressurising a 20 year old in to considering a baby.

I want to spill a pint over him, I don't like the sound of him.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:43

cognito do you think?? I adore him and i'm sure he loves me too. he's done so much for me, i'm totally messed up in the head and he encouraged me to start on AD's etc...

totally doubting everything now - he knows he's very much in charge in the relationship but in a way i think i need that.

The only thing that's niggling my mind is a small incident that happened a few weeks ago where he turned a little bit violent with me. he was totally apologetic though, he stayed with some friends for a week and he promised it would never happen again

aware that i sound like a totally naive teenager but i really do trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:45

i'm painting a picture of him that totally isn't right!! he is lovely and would do anything for me. punygod i wouldn't say we have any problems specifically, just normal things but it's just a big decision that's making me pick up on the smaller details!

OP posts:
MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 17:45

ps, i wouldn't worry about what people on the street think. You know, you said something about the age gap not being obvious to strangers who don't know your ages.

Well I really wouldn't worry about that. It's whether or not the age gap is apparent within the relationship.

I had a relationship where what I wanted counted for less. My opinions weren't welcomed, he preferred I just respected his. It's a long business, life with a man like that.

NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MauriceTheCat · 30/01/2015 17:47

You need to let him move and go visit at the weekends etc. You need to build a life and see how he fits in.

You need to learn to be you before just become an annex of him.

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 17:48

Ok, he's lovely.................. but right now everything he wants is in his lap. Why wouldn't he be lovely!?!

He has an obliging young girlfriend who's considering moving for him, considering having children, who is happy to socialise with his friends, and happy that he doesn't socialise with hers... I'm saying challenge all of this, all of it, and see how lovely he is.

Almostfifty · 30/01/2015 17:48

If he's been violent once, he'll be violent again.

Izzy24 · 30/01/2015 17:50

I don't see a 12 year age gap as a problem.

I do see incompatibility as a huge problem, whatever the age gap/ no age gap at all.

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 17:50

Yes, when I ended it with the bf who was only roughly five years older than I was, his mother Shock deduced that I wasn't happy in the relationship because I felt like an also-ran next to him.

I did not feel like an also-ran. he was more qualified with a better job and had more power in the relationship, deciding which flat we took when we'd viewed several and that kind of thing. I was frustrated at being treated like an annexe as Maurice the cat says.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 18:01

I do get frustrated at him putting his opinion before mind in some circumstances.. however i do tell him about this and he knows he does it and addresses the problem.

feeling a resounding message that i shouldnt move with him!! i know that if i don't he'll be reluctant to carry on the relationship though - his dad is very poorly and he's uber conscious of the 'life is short' thing at the mo.

we've had rows where he's said he doesnt want to waste his time with someone who isnt as committed as him.... which makes sense i suppose

i'm fighting against what i want - to move - and what is the, in reality, probably better decision...

OP posts:
punygod · 30/01/2015 18:07

I think you do have problems, sorry.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 18:12

if i'm totally honest we do have problems... but this isn't to do with out age i just think circumstances have caused a few problems

his dad isnt well, i have little or no relationship with any of my family, he's transitioning from one job to another at the moment, i've just started therapy.

however i'm a total realist (i think/thought) and i dont need any more problems in my life. we had a break recently and when it comes down to it i think the problems we have are just superficial.

apart from the violence thing which will never happen again. if it does, im out.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 18:14

Good grief..... When something gets a 'little bit violent' it's Game Over. A good relationship is one of equals and you don't have anything like that. You don't need someone to keep you in line, which is what you seem to be saying. I'm sure you're not trying to paint him in a bad light but, nevertheless, these little glimpses of what happens when he doesn't get his own way..... bullying you over meeting the parents, the contempt for your friends, insisting you relocate 'to show your commitment'.... are really worrying.

Looseleaf · 30/01/2015 18:15

I think you sending he wouldn't want to carry on the relationship if you don't move with him says a lot too. It's hard to see clearly when you're in a relationship but from what I can see I don't think this sounds a good idea for you at all.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 18:16

in his defense that one time i was totally pushing him and definitely did deserve it..... he did no lasting damage.

sounding desperate now,....

OP posts:
Looseleaf · 30/01/2015 18:16

Saying not sending! And I hope you make the best decision whatever that is

flipchart · 30/01/2015 18:20

There is a 26 year age gag between my sister and her DH.they got married wen she was 36 and have been married for 10 years. They are really happy. My sister is a whirlwind and he is a pipe and slippers man so she keeps him busy with things to do. He really truly adores her and she loves him to bits.

Her son is 23 now and they are so close. They go out for a pint together, ave fun all sorts. The DH is the same age as my mum and dad and often they reminiss about old friends and the pubs they used to go in etc.

Mum and dad found it very odd to begin with but it is normal now.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/01/2015 18:24

I'm sorry, but I have never heard of these 'only violent once' type of people. The men I know (and have loved/married) aren't violent once, so it never arises. The ones that are, are never violent once because it's just not something you do once in your life. It is extremely unlikely life will never be testing of you- perhaps sleep deprived with a baby, perhaps a male friend from work will call, perhaps you will have a go at him about something- are you utterly sure he won't lash out again?

I would not move, aged 20 with a 'violent once' man ever ever ever. You will be isolated from friends (which he has already dismissed as immature, so if he's not into 20 year olds, how come he's with you?) and you will find it much much harder to leave.

I don't think your problems are superficial at all, you have no family and now have the opportunity for a ready-made one, but I can tell, from the way you have phrased all this that you are unsure as well that he's truly deep down a good man who will support you in everything.

He's helped you, you were very young, very vulnerable (no family) and possibly depressed/mh issues (AD's). He's helped you but it doesn't sound like he likes the new more assertive going places you.

Remember- if you move in with him and leave all your friends, the next time he's violent (and it's exceptionally likely he will be and even if not, you have had your warning and are still there, that tells him this is ok behaviour) it will be much harder to leave- your dependence on him will be higher.

This really doesn't sound right to me, and I think deep down you know this, you've seen the other side of him and are panicking at being trapped. Listen to your gut instinct, it is not wrong!

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/01/2015 18:26

in his defense that one time i was totally pushing him and definitely did deserve it..... he did no lasting damage

It is NEVER your fault. Sorry, you are already internalising and blaming yourself. What do you mean 'no lasting damage'? Why do you think it is ok to be 'damaged' at all by a man.

You are in danger here, however charming, nice and helpful he has been at times, listen to your inner voice.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 18:26

No matter how much you provoke someone, a decent person will always walk away. The only acceptable level of aggression is zero. You sound like a vulnerable young woman with MH problems and a bad home life who is anxious to settle down, have a family, some money, a fresh start or whatever. It doesn't matter that this man is 32, 22 or 52.... he's not treating you with respect and I fear he's exploiting your insecurity

Back2Two · 30/01/2015 18:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 18:38

Wow, I'm sorry I missed that he had been violent to you.

That's not OK in any circumstances and he can not be described as lovely now. I will not buy it, sorry Flowers [tea]

I agree with cogito. The acceptable level of violence is NONE

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 18:40

You did not deserve the ''little bit of violence". YOu absolutely did not. No way was it 'totally {your} fault''.