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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anybody in an abusive relationship..

60 replies

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 19:48

Have trouble convincing themselves they are in one??? All the signs are there but I can't trust myself after all this time. What I'm trying to say is, has anybody thought they were and been wrong? Grasping at straws here.
He's emotionally abusive but I'm having trouble convincing myself it's bad enough to leave :(

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 29/01/2015 19:50

When I was in one, yep, wholeheartedly. Part of the cycle, the confusion and the "is it me?" and the thought if only you did x y z he wouldn't do a b c. Horrible way to live. Teeny tiny thing broke the camel's back for me.

AmyElliotDunne · 29/01/2015 19:54

Pretty much everyone! You're not alone. Otherwise we would all leave at the first sign of trouble.

Everyone has their own issues and sometimes it's difficult to disentangle normal relationship woes from abusive behaviour.

However, you don't need a label to leave. If you're not happy, try to talk about it, try to fix it and if that doesn't work, LTB.

It might help if you spell out some of the worries you have about his behaviour here as people will be quick to tell you if it sounds like normal disagreements or a more unhealthy situation.

AltheaVestrit · 29/01/2015 19:54

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Have a look at the check list down the page a bit.

Tbh, if you're a bit confused whether you are or not, I'd say the chance is you are.

There's a thread called "Support for those in an emotionally abusive relationship"; it's usually on the first page. There's loads of links and stuff to read which may also enlighten you.

Original poster

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 20:01

He belittles me, makes fun of me, makes out like I'm stupid. If I speak my mind about anything he doesn't like he punishes me by withholding affection and sulking. He does things then pretends they never happened and I made it up. It used to be so bad that I left him and he was so sorry I went back. He calls that time 'when you went crazy' and refuses to acknowledge it was his fault. We have a baby and part custody of his stepsons who I adore. I have no job and studying part time. I can't just leave I don't feel like anybody will believe me. Maybe I am just a drama queen.

OP posts:

Original poster

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 20:02

We are married and i thought marriage meant you worked through the hard stuff but he won't. If I bring it up he calls me ungrateful and always complaining.

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 29/01/2015 20:03

Really, whether he is abusive (which it sounds like he is) or not. If you are unhappy that is enough. Don't you deserve better? You know you do.

Original poster

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 20:05

He is ignoring me now and has done for two days because he was making fun of me in front of our friends saying I get words mixed up and I said if I'm so stupid how come I'm at university and you have no qualifications? I never say anything like that to him and he is really punishing me this time.

OP posts:

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 20:09

have you posted about him before?

Yes he is abusive and gaslighting also.

You can leave and people will believe you.

Would you call Women's Aid for advice?

Original poster

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 20:11

I posted in AIBU and got told about the lovely ladies here. I have family who would help I just don't know if they would believe me? How bad is unfixable? How much justifies ending a marriage?

OP posts:

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 20:14

you can't fix this - he can. But he doesn't want to does he.

You don't need any justification to end it - but you have much more justification than most people would ever put up with.

HadleyHemingway · 29/01/2015 20:15

I remember your other thread.

My ex was like your DH. Even down to the insecurity about not being as educated as me.

I once corrected him on the pronunciation of a word and he didn't speak to me for a week.

The thing is it happens so gradually over such a long period of time that you just get used to it and it becomes your normal. That's why it's so hard to see it for what it is.

But it IS abusive and you DO need to leave.

I got out eventually and it was like a ten ton weight being lifted. I became myself again and am now very happy.

pnutter · 29/01/2015 20:16

I'm doing the freedom programme. .i think you can see it on line. There is some very good advice and information about how and why you are convinced by him that it is you! Take care. Leave in my opinion.

GoatsDoRoam · 29/01/2015 20:19

You end a relationship when you no longer want to be in it.

You cannot fix his behaviour: only he can do that. If he wants to.

If he likes to undermine you and have power over you, then he's not going to want to relinquish that power.

Quitelikely · 29/01/2015 20:24

Yes they would believe you! That's another common misconception abused women hold. The feel that because the abuser is so outwardly nice to others that no one will believe what he is like behind closed doors.

Sending strength and courage your way!

HadleyHemingway · 29/01/2015 20:33

Your friends and family close to you will notice the difference in you since you've been with him.

You'll be surprised how many people knew or suspected what was going on once it's over.

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 20:34

Freedom Programme online is here

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

Original poster

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 20:40

Too bad for him silent treatment doesn't work anymore... I have gotten used to it. Only realised he was abusing me again when we had some friends move in for a while and they were so kind and lovely it made me realise how much I was aching for any positive attention. They didn't even do anything special. They just cared what I thought and felt. Pathetic isn't it.

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Quitelikely · 29/01/2015 20:42

You are probably indifferent to the silent treatment now OP.

How will you leave? Are you ok for finances etc or would you stay in the house?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2015 20:53

If you are unhappy, leave. His behaviour doesn't have to be classed as abusive (it is, btw) for you to NOT want to put up with it.

Original poster

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 21:01

I am lead tenant and can't afford house on my own. I will need to wait til September and move out and away. I need some strength and clarity I can't trust my own judgment anymore.

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alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 21:09

you will be able to claim benefits though as a single parent? Have you been to the entitledto website and seen what you could claim?

yougotafriend · 29/01/2015 21:11

I was in denial (and probably enabled him a bit) for over 10 yrs. For the next 10+yrs I still didn't realise it was abusive just knew it was very wrong. Finally last summer thanks to the mumsnet lovelies I acknowledged what it actually was. I left in November and while I am hugely proud of myself for finally being brave, my one regret is not doing it sooner...

Your day to day situation sounds remarkably similar, please don't wait 23 years to start living.

I started a thread today asking if emotional abusers can change, the consensus is a firm "no"

yougotafriend · 29/01/2015 21:14

Finances was a contributing factor in me staying as long as I did.... Looking back I'd have been better off skint. I couldn't afford our house on my own (which is ok cos he wouldn't leave anyway) so I left. Talk to your landlord maybe you xan leave sooner than Sept if he stayed on in the house

Original poster

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 21:37

He can't afford it on his money either. I've always been taught weak people get divorced. He is in customer service so he can't have anger issues all the time... Just for me.

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PedantMarina · 29/01/2015 21:47

I suggested you talk to your landlord on the last fred (as I said, you wouldn't be the first person wanting to get out of a lease because of a break-up of relationship - they probably have procedures in place for this sort of eventuality).

Have you rung him/her/them? At least find out. Ideally you can have it shortened to a one-month notice, which will give you enough time to move in a non-panicky manner and get your ducks in a row. I think you said your mother would be OK to host you and DCs?

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