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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anybody in an abusive relationship..

60 replies

Girl33 · 29/01/2015 19:48

Have trouble convincing themselves they are in one??? All the signs are there but I can't trust myself after all this time. What I'm trying to say is, has anybody thought they were and been wrong? Grasping at straws here.
He's emotionally abusive but I'm having trouble convincing myself it's bad enough to leave :(

OP posts:

yougotafriend · 29/01/2015 21:54

Leaving my marriage is the strongest decision I've ever made......

I wonder who taught you that?

BlackeyedSusan · 29/01/2015 22:18

mine hit me and I di dnot realy recognise it... but at least it is black and white...

yours sounds swful, insidious, difficult to pin down and cruel. much harder to recognise abuse.

who taught you weak people get divorced? takes a lot of bloody strenght to leave something abusive... not weakness. sound like you have the strenght to do it. just need time to plan.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/01/2015 23:11

I've always been taught weak people get divorced.

Me too. It's rubbish though. There are no medals for staying to be abused - just more and more unhappy years. Show your strength by saying "Enough!"

Original poster

Girl33 · 30/01/2015 08:42

I'm not confident enough to be gone in a month . Has anybody thought they were being abused but it turned out they were wrong?

OP posts:

alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 08:46

No - you are not wrong. Why on earth would you say that?

And even if he wasn't abusive - you are unhappy. that is enough of a reason to leave.

woowoo22 · 30/01/2015 08:47

No, I can't see when that would happy. If you are in a loving relationship the question "am I being abused" doesn't cross your mind.

Your life would be inexpressably (no idea if that is a word ) better without him. And crucially, without you and your DC's world revolving around his moods, anger, needs, wants, selfishness.

woowoo22 · 30/01/2015 08:48

*happen not happy

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 30/01/2015 08:52

People with serious mental illness can sometimes believe they are being abused when they are not. "My wife is trying to poison me".

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that he is not abusing you. Maybe that exact word is a problem for you?

Then what the fuck is going on? He is horrible to you. He bullies you. You are not happy.

"I am not happy" is a good enough reason to split up with someone, even if you are both lovely people. Some people are simply not compatible.

However, come on, you ARE being bullied and abused and you know it, don't you? You can't unknow what you know.

HazleNutt · 30/01/2015 09:13

it is a lot easier to stay in the abusive marriage than to end it.

You are not sure if all what he does allows you to label him as an abuser. It's understandable, it seems like such a serious thing, and it's normal to think it could not apply to anybody you know.

But as others have said, it does not really matter if you label him or not.

You're miserable. He treats you appallingly. It only makes sense to stay in a relationship if the other person makes you happier and makes your life nicer, more pleasant. Can you say that this is the case? Or do you have glimpses of normal life, when he's not sulking, but most of the time he is making you unhappy? Are you looking forward to seeing him in the evenings, or are you mainly worried what mood he is in and what you have done 'wrong' again? What's your first thought when you see his name on your phone display? Are you always thinking about what his reaction will be, whenever you do something?

Original poster

Girl33 · 30/01/2015 09:14

Maybe I prefer the word bully. Whenever I try to talk to anybody about it they always say how much he tells them he loves me and how great I am. He never says it to me. So nobody believes me. Has that happened to anybody before?

OP posts:

Original poster

Girl33 · 30/01/2015 09:20

I don't do anything to provoke a reaction anymore. I'm a stay at home mum with no social life.

OP posts:

Aussiemum78 · 30/01/2015 09:29

He tells people you are great, not because he feels you are, but to make himself look good to your friends. He's an insecure man, who belittles you and your achievements to feel better about himself.

The secret is, he knows you are the better person. He fears you will realise this and dump him. So he tries to stop you realizing how lovely you are.

Original poster

Girl33 · 30/01/2015 09:32

That makes sense. God what a mess I've made of my life. I will see his ex wife on Saturday I need to ask her her side of the story.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 09:33

It's very common in emotionally or physically abusive relationships for the victim to rationalise the behaviour of the abuser. Abusive people are rarely badly behaved 24/7. They alternate good and bad behaviour so it's easy to become acclimatised. You might put an outburst down to stress or tell yourself it's a one off. You might think you deserved being belittled because you were cheeky or you did something wrong. When the alternative is to end the relationship, split up the family, possibly endure financial hardship or family disapproval and so forth, there can be other reasons for wanting to make excuses. Also, it's very tough to admit to yourself that the person you've chosen to marry and have children with is abusive.... what does that say about your judgement?

There are quite a few online questionnaires like this one that you can check out.

yougotafriend · 30/01/2015 09:34

My H used to tell everyone how much he loved me, used to tell me too but words are worth nothing if not reinforced with behaviour.

I believe he loved his "idea" of me and I was constantly falling short of the mark!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 09:36

"So nobody believes me. Has that happened to anybody before?"

Bullies (if you prefer that word) can be very charming towards others and will make sure they say all the right things. However, as I found when my relationship with an emotional bully ended, people had actually seen through him. They didn't know how bad things were behind closed doors, but they'd seen glimpses of the real him and were very supportive when it ended

You haven't made a mess of your life. You have a lot more opportunities to go on to have a good life than you probably think.

alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 09:37

Mine used to tell me and everyone else how much he loved me. Then behind closed doors he used to treat me like complete and utter scum. Actions most certainly do speak louder than words.

OP - will you call Women's Aid?

Original poster

Girl33 · 30/01/2015 09:41

I don't want to waste women's aid time. If they could help a woman worse off than me i would rather that. I have friends and family.
I grew up with a dad with Asperger's syndrome who was emotionally unavailable so I think on some level I chose him :(

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2015 09:50

You would NOT be doing that at all if you were to speak to Womens Aid.

BTW was your Dad ever formally diagnosed with Aspergers?.

alabastergirl · 30/01/2015 09:53

If you phone them you are not wasting their time.

What concerns me is that you clearly do not think you deserve help, and it is almost as if you think you warrant the abuse you are suffering. Whatever has happened to make you believe you are worth so little?

You do need to stop this cycle, because if you don't your children will be where you are in 20-30 years time. Do you want them to suffer with such low self esteem too?

HazleNutt · 30/01/2015 10:03

"So nobody believes me. Has that happened to anybody before?" - yes, that's the case, I would guess, with most abusive relationships. They have to know how to be charming and act like they are nice people - otherwise nobody would ever start a relationship with them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 10:16

"I don't want to waste women's aid time."

Womens Aid are not simply there for women who are being physically assaulted and are in need of refuge. They are also there for people like yourself, unsure whether the relationship you are in is normal or not, and looking for reassurance and maybe some practical support.

Original poster

Girl33 · 30/01/2015 10:26

I don't know if he was formally diagnosed. It does run in the family though my sister and cousin have it also.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 11:06

You were presumably raised by more than one parent and you would have probably had other influential adults in your life at the same time. Whilst it's tempting to make a straight line cause/effect between 'emotionally distant father' and 'emotionally bullying husband', life is rarely that easily explained.

The problem on the table is that you are being treated badly and it's causing you distress. You can't change your childhood. You can change your future

slkk · 30/01/2015 11:57

I suspect he is telling your friends how much he loves you so he can get them onside with his you are crazy plan if you ever try and talk to them about the relationship or if you ever try and leave. It seems just another way to control you and put doubt in your mind about the true nature of the relationship. And in many ways it seems to be working. For the sake of you dc you need to leave. Otherwise your child may grow up with little respect for you and thinking that this is the normal way for men to treat women.

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