Hello lovely ladies (and men). My DP has just revealed that he might not want children and that if he does it probably won't be for another 8-10 years and it has left me devastated - hoping for some positive advice on what to do.
For background, we have been together for 3 years but with a 4 month break a year ago. I am 28 and he is 30. We have always had a really lovely relationship and are best friends as well as lovers. The reason we had the break was because I worked abroad for a bit and he found whilst I was away that he got used to being on his own and independent again and struggled to be in a serious relationship again when I got back. The break up was as amicable as possible (although devastated I accepted his decision and we just kept our distance from each other) and he spent the entire time apart utterly miserable, realising it was a huge mistake and trying to get the confidence to ask me to take him back, which he eventually did. It took me a couple of months of cautiously dating him to trust him again but we have now been happily back together for 6 months.
We started to discuss moving in together later this year, trying to work out when would be best logistically due to out of sync leases etc, and this conversation turned into a talk generally about our future. It came out that I was hoping that if all went well, we would get engaged in a couple of years and probably have children a couple of years after that. He on the other hand seemed a bit taken aback by this and said he was definitely not thinking on that time scale. He was thinking more like getting married in 5 years time and not having children for another 8-10 years, if at all. I pointed out that if I have to wait 8-10 years I may no longer be able to have children and that having kids was the most important thing to me in the world. That made him back off even more and he said he would happily just be with me forever without children and he couldn't say that he would ever definitely want them. It did seem to be the first time he had considered the biological implications for me, though - like it honestly hadn't crossed his mind before.
We have talked about marriage and children before but always in very general terms ie 'if I have children I'd like them to learn a second language' or 'I'd like my children to go to state school' etc. We had never discussed specific timings before but when we got back together last year I made it clear I would only consider it if we were both fully committed to being together forever. I suppose that I assumed he realised I meant marriage and kids and that this would be sooner rather than later. He on the other hand took it to mean marriage at some point in the future.
Our conversation got quite emotional and I said that I needed to know for sure if he doesn't want children as then our relationship would have to end because I definitely do want to have kids. He then became very upset saying he really didn't want to lose me again but didn't know if he could give me a guarantee that he would want them in the future or when that would be. We decided to leave it for a bit so he could work out what he wants.
I am now terrified of bringing it up again as I would be absolutely gutted to lose him. I am also worried that by making it so black and white I am putting a lot of pressure on him and he will end up making a false decision that he might not have come to given more time to think it through and to see him friends develop their relationships (only a couple of his older friends have had kids so far and about half his friends are single). I think he probably will want kids eventually (though maybe not for a long time), he would be such a great father and he has a great relationship with his own parents. He said he doesn't want to lose his independence but that seems a bit selfish and a bit immature to me to still prefer to be free to go out with your mates all the time when you're 35 (and I bet a lot of his friends will be settled down by then too!). I am very independent and love going out with my friends but can easily see that children would bring more than enough joy to compensate for the loss of freedom. On the other hand though I don't want to be left in limbo for a year whilst he makes his mind up, only to find that nothing has changed and I've then lost a year of trying to find someone who definitely wants what I want.
I would really appreciate any wisdom from you all - I know I am not the only person to have faced this dilemma so would be grateful for any similar stories and how they worked out.