DP unsure about children - should I leave?

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Hello lovely ladies (and men). My DP has just revealed that he might not want children and that if he does it probably won't be for another 8-10 years and it has left me devastated - hoping for some positive advice on what to do.

For background, we have been together for 3 years but with a 4 month break a year ago. I am 28 and he is 30. We have always had a really lovely relationship and are best friends as well as lovers. The reason we had the break was because I worked abroad for a bit and he found whilst I was away that he got used to being on his own and independent again and struggled to be in a serious relationship again when I got back. The break up was as amicable as possible (although devastated I accepted his decision and we just kept our distance from each other) and he spent the entire time apart utterly miserable, realising it was a huge mistake and trying to get the confidence to ask me to take him back, which he eventually did. It took me a couple of months of cautiously dating him to trust him again but we have now been happily back together for 6 months.

We started to discuss moving in together later this year, trying to work out when would be best logistically due to out of sync leases etc, and this conversation turned into a talk generally about our future. It came out that I was hoping that if all went well, we would get engaged in a couple of years and probably have children a couple of years after that. He on the other hand seemed a bit taken aback by this and said he was definitely not thinking on that time scale. He was thinking more like getting married in 5 years time and not having children for another 8-10 years, if at all. I pointed out that if I have to wait 8-10 years I may no longer be able to have children and that having kids was the most important thing to me in the world. That made him back off even more and he said he would happily just be with me forever without children and he couldn't say that he would ever definitely want them. It did seem to be the first time he had considered the biological implications for me, though - like it honestly hadn't crossed his mind before.

We have talked about marriage and children before but always in very general terms ie 'if I have children I'd like them to learn a second language' or 'I'd like my children to go to state school' etc. We had never discussed specific timings before but when we got back together last year I made it clear I would only consider it if we were both fully committed to being together forever. I suppose that I assumed he realised I meant marriage and kids and that this would be sooner rather than later. He on the other hand took it to mean marriage at some point in the future.

Our conversation got quite emotional and I said that I needed to know for sure if he doesn't want children as then our relationship would have to end because I definitely do want to have kids. He then became very upset saying he really didn't want to lose me again but didn't know if he could give me a guarantee that he would want them in the future or when that would be. We decided to leave it for a bit so he could work out what he wants.

I am now terrified of bringing it up again as I would be absolutely gutted to lose him. I am also worried that by making it so black and white I am putting a lot of pressure on him and he will end up making a false decision that he might not have come to given more time to think it through and to see him friends develop their relationships (only a couple of his older friends have had kids so far and about half his friends are single). I think he probably will want kids eventually (though maybe not for a long time), he would be such a great father and he has a great relationship with his own parents. He said he doesn't want to lose his independence but that seems a bit selfish and a bit immature to me to still prefer to be free to go out with your mates all the time when you're 35 (and I bet a lot of his friends will be settled down by then too!). I am very independent and love going out with my friends but can easily see that children would bring more than enough joy to compensate for the loss of freedom. On the other hand though I don't want to be left in limbo for a year whilst he makes his mind up, only to find that nothing has changed and I've then lost a year of trying to find someone who definitely wants what I want.

I would really appreciate any wisdom from you all - I know I am not the only person to have faced this dilemma so would be grateful for any similar stories and how they worked out.

I think if have children is a deal-breaker for you, you're best to get out now not only in terms of age but before you get financially entwined and are living together.

It is not a very romantic way to think about things but it seems his position is very clear. I agree if he doesn't think he wants kids at 30 it's not maturity or lack of that is the issue.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
? Maya Angelou

There are some really important things to note here:

1. You say that having children is the most important thing in the world
2. He has told you he maybe doesn't want children at all, and if he does, probably not during your fertile period
3. You are young enough at the moment to get over this relationship and easily start another relationship, and without rushing things, have children whilst it is still relatively easy for you
4. You aren't tied together yet by marriage or leasing/buying together, so walking away is simple

1 and 2 are incompatible, but 3 and 4 mean you have options just now. But they are time limited. So I would break up with him.

I wouldn't do the ultimatum thing, I think that is gambling on something far too important and it's also very emotionally manipulative which often backfires. Say he agrees to have children because he doesn't want to lose you, then when you have three kids under 5 he realises he was right before, he doesn't want kids, can't cope with it and walks out? Not the best place in life for you, him or the children to be.

I also wouldn't wait around for him to change his mind because he has a good family background and so you think he would make a good dad. He might not want that. You could wait around and he could say "I'm not ready yet" or "I've decided I definitely don't want kids."

You have absolutely no idea whether he will ever want children OP, saying he 'probably' will contradicts his own words on the matter. He says 8-10 and maybe never. You have to take him at his word.

You need to figure out whether you would be more 'gutted' to lose him or lose the experience of having children.

I've seen two women waste their fertile years waiting for a man to decide he was ready, to find they can no longer have children, while their ex partners have gone on to have children with other women. Don't let that be you.

I'm 36 in 2 weeks with a DP that doesn't want kids just yet.
I've put a time limit on it. I'm seriously worried i'll never be a mum.
I stay because I love him so much, but I have very seriously considered walking away.

When my best friend was 30 she gave her then boyfriend (he was 28 and they'd been together for three years) and ultimatum: marriage within six months followed by ttc or she was out of there. We all thought she was mad at the time but he came round to it and now they are happy with two kids.
Not the way I'd do it but interesting nevertheless. Meanwhile while approaching 30 I just dumped my 'I do want kids just not right now' boyfriend and fell in love with someone better - not because of kids just because I didn't actually love him!!(we also now have DCs).

I was in a long relationship from 21 -28 but we split up just a couple of months before our planned wedding as he decided he just didn't want children. He had genuinely given it a lot of thought in the year previously, and even had a few counselling sessions to see if he could work out why, but what it came to was that he just didn't want that responsibility.

8 years later and I am mum of one and a stepmum to two - he is unmarried with no kids. He really meant it!

I would, regretfully and weepily, leave. Genuinely the best decision I have made x

Supposing you agreed on an eight year timetable. How sad to think you would be looking forward to it while he would be dreading it.

I think his given wait times seriously suggest he wants to age you out of having children, and/or he wants you to end the relationship, as you know your fertility will have declined by then. Of course, we are still getting pregnant in our late 30s, but our chances are decreasing, and our risks increasing. I'd cut my losses now. You have plenty of time to find someone who wants children sooner rather than later.

Believe him.

He's put his cards on the table and now it's time for you to do it too. I'd take a break from the relationship once you've talked it through to give you both time to think and see if either of you are willing to forgo your ideal for the relationship.

No fault, no foul if you both decide that you won't change your minds and go your separate ways. Much better to do that now than for either of you to live with regrets.

This is not something where there's a compromise available. 8-10 years could easily mean no babies for you, whereas if he suddenly becomes broody in 20 years time then he just has to find a woman who wants to have children with him, but it won't be you.

I would listen to him, time is precious I wasted my 30s on a twunt who left me for ow.

It took me 3 years to get over what he did to me, I'm now 39 and want a child, but am worried it's just too late.

It's so hard for you. It would be clearer for you if he was adamant he didn't want kids. I wasn't sure at 30 if I wanted kids. It seemed too high a price in terms of lifestyle and would have said an ideal timescale (ignoring biology) would be similar to your dp. My dh wanted kids but was happy to see if I changed my mind. At 32 I suddenly changed my mind! We now have a DS.

You have to decide if your relationship is worth the risk that he might not ever "be ready". It is easy to say dump him and find someone else but if he is the one you love that is a sacrifice too. You are only 28 you have some time. (Yes I know all the scary declining fertility rate facts).

My friends who met partners around 30 found they accelerated to marriage and/or kids much quicker than relationships in their 20s as well so even if you break up in a year or so, all is not lost.

Have these serious discussions but if you are not sure, don't be afraid to wait a few months to see how things pan out. It is not a waste of time to make sure you are certain about your position and he has had time to think too.

Good luck with sorting it out.

Hello OP, just another thought (and not a cheerful one either I'm sorry), but I have been thinking about this and am not sure there is always such a clearcut thing as 'wanting kids'. I wasn't sure I wanted kids until I met my DH, and then I had a very strong feeling I wanted kids with him. There have been a few other men in my past I wanted kids with but luckily didn't go ahead with it. It was an instinctual thing though. I wonder if those men who say they don't want kids and then end up having them with their next partner actually kind of meant 'I don't want kids with you'

I'd say you need to find someone who wants to have kids with you.

My friend was in just your position. She stayed with and married her partner anyway, and made up her mind that she'd cope with not having kids if need be, because she loved him so much. She has been very unhappy for a number of years, in my opinion. I can't say fully if it is down to this - she wouldn't say it is, but certainly it can't have helped.
Anyway, he has now relented and agreed to TTC (which he really struggles with, but is doing it for her. They do love each other very much). But she is over 40 now, and no luck so far, and it's been two years.
It just makes me desperately sad, for both of them really. OP, if you can stand to live without him, I would leave now, and save both of you a lot of potential heart-ache.

My new sis in law didn't have children because her exDH didn't want them 'yet'. She's now TTC at 42 and full of regret. Leave

Do you not think it's a bit of a coincidence that he has chose a timeframe for him having children that falls just outside your most fertile years?

It's so hard because people can change but only you can decide if that's a risk worth taking.

My DH was clear that he didn't want children. I did and thought it sad as I felt he would be a fantastic dad and would love it. But I'd rather be with him without kids than without him. After 10 years he suddenly announced that actually having a baby might be ok. I was 37 so we got on with ttc. When I hit 40 I accepted it wasn't going to happen. At 42 I found myself pregnant with DS. When he was born DH was totally overwealmed with love and feelings he said he never knew existed. He'd fill the house with children now if only I'd agree to it.

I'my always sceptical when people set time limits on things, like 'I want to be with you forever, but we'll not get engaged or get married for 5 years'. Surely telling someone you want to marry them in the future is an engagement of sorts? And if you want to get married, just get married. Unless it's for saving a shitload of money for a huge ceremony, it's like saying 'I want to be with you forever, but I want 5 years to change my mind'. Nowt wrong with never getting married, but do it or don't if you're commited, no point waiting. Although I was engaged from 19 until 30 as I couldn't be arsed to plan a wedding...
I also started wanting a baby at 28, have been with DH since 19. I was happy enough to wait until we were 30 as we had loads of fun, nights out, holidays etc, when he agreed we should try. By that point I was gagging for a baby and it had become something I could rarely get out of my mind. If you get like this it will make you miserable. He may well find at his age in the next few years as his friends settle down and start having children, he feels differently, as the social life etc he has changes. We both really became a lot more home orientated in the run up to DS conception and naturally slowed down our social life so we were in a good place for changing our life. but he might not. It must be so hard for you. 10 years is too long to wait if you want children, truly you will be very unhappy.

X post with Chunderella on the marriage thing!

My sister was in a similar situation with someone she had already married, his reply to the kids conversation was always 'one day not yet'. It was only when she got to nearer 40 she realised he simply did not want kids. They divorced and she has never had kids.

Your bloke has been with you long enough to know if he wants kids with you.
Don't waste valuable years on someone who is stringing you along.

My DB told me he didn't want children. For me it was unthinkable. We were discussing marriage & I realised that it just wouldn't happen if I stayed. So we broke up. He had an epiphany & decided he wanted me & if that meant having children so be it! Here we are 23 years down the line with 3 fine young men who my husband is immensely proud of!!' Ironically , he is an amazing father & our boys adore him!.

The reason I have told you this is cos I was 28, I was very serious about babies. I wasn't playing games, it was by giving him space that my DH was able to clearly decide what he wanted in his life.