DP unsure about children - should I leave?

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Hello lovely ladies (and men). My DP has just revealed that he might not want children and that if he does it probably won't be for another 8-10 years and it has left me devastated - hoping for some positive advice on what to do.

For background, we have been together for 3 years but with a 4 month break a year ago. I am 28 and he is 30. We have always had a really lovely relationship and are best friends as well as lovers. The reason we had the break was because I worked abroad for a bit and he found whilst I was away that he got used to being on his own and independent again and struggled to be in a serious relationship again when I got back. The break up was as amicable as possible (although devastated I accepted his decision and we just kept our distance from each other) and he spent the entire time apart utterly miserable, realising it was a huge mistake and trying to get the confidence to ask me to take him back, which he eventually did. It took me a couple of months of cautiously dating him to trust him again but we have now been happily back together for 6 months.

We started to discuss moving in together later this year, trying to work out when would be best logistically due to out of sync leases etc, and this conversation turned into a talk generally about our future. It came out that I was hoping that if all went well, we would get engaged in a couple of years and probably have children a couple of years after that. He on the other hand seemed a bit taken aback by this and said he was definitely not thinking on that time scale. He was thinking more like getting married in 5 years time and not having children for another 8-10 years, if at all. I pointed out that if I have to wait 8-10 years I may no longer be able to have children and that having kids was the most important thing to me in the world. That made him back off even more and he said he would happily just be with me forever without children and he couldn't say that he would ever definitely want them. It did seem to be the first time he had considered the biological implications for me, though - like it honestly hadn't crossed his mind before.

We have talked about marriage and children before but always in very general terms ie 'if I have children I'd like them to learn a second language' or 'I'd like my children to go to state school' etc. We had never discussed specific timings before but when we got back together last year I made it clear I would only consider it if we were both fully committed to being together forever. I suppose that I assumed he realised I meant marriage and kids and that this would be sooner rather than later. He on the other hand took it to mean marriage at some point in the future.

Our conversation got quite emotional and I said that I needed to know for sure if he doesn't want children as then our relationship would have to end because I definitely do want to have kids. He then became very upset saying he really didn't want to lose me again but didn't know if he could give me a guarantee that he would want them in the future or when that would be. We decided to leave it for a bit so he could work out what he wants.

I am now terrified of bringing it up again as I would be absolutely gutted to lose him. I am also worried that by making it so black and white I am putting a lot of pressure on him and he will end up making a false decision that he might not have come to given more time to think it through and to see him friends develop their relationships (only a couple of his older friends have had kids so far and about half his friends are single). I think he probably will want kids eventually (though maybe not for a long time), he would be such a great father and he has a great relationship with his own parents. He said he doesn't want to lose his independence but that seems a bit selfish and a bit immature to me to still prefer to be free to go out with your mates all the time when you're 35 (and I bet a lot of his friends will be settled down by then too!). I am very independent and love going out with my friends but can easily see that children would bring more than enough joy to compensate for the loss of freedom. On the other hand though I don't want to be left in limbo for a year whilst he makes his mind up, only to find that nothing has changed and I've then lost a year of trying to find someone who definitely wants what I want.

I would really appreciate any wisdom from you all - I know I am not the only person to have faced this dilemma so would be grateful for any similar stories and how they worked out.

Only stay if he is worth never having kids to be with.

Then, if he does change his mind all well and good. Chances are he won't though so you need to make you choice based on that, not on the off chance he'll change his mind.

Definitely leave, sorry.

What if you wait and wait and then he still says no?

You want different things, just let him go and mean it.

I really feel for you. I have been in your shoes. Listen to what he tell you, not to what you are so desperate to hear. It is really heartbreaking to part ways but it is such a huge part of what what you want from life that you cant compromise. He has a right not to want children, but you have a right to want them. I dont believe that there is a compromise to be had here. I waited for 6yrs for my husband to "be ready" and then left when he still wasnt ready. I just couldnt wait any longer and decided to go it alone. Motherhood was too big a price to pay. I resented him so much at this point. In the end, I guess he gave in. He says me leaving was the catalyst he needed to commit but I doubt it. He gave in and we are doting on our child, who is 2.
Anyway, Waiting for 6yrs was the hardest thing I had ever done and Looking back I shouldnt have.

Having spent a number of years thinking I'd probably never be able to have kids, I would leave. Wanting children is such an irrational, overwhelming feeling and the not knowing / having to wait on a timescale out of my control was one of the worst bits. I shared that pain with my dh. I could not have gone through it knowing it was because of his choice and I'm not sure our relationship could have survived. How can you be distraught and not share it with your partner?

There's a video an ex couple made about breaking up for this reason, though reversed genders called we have to Break up. Makes the point that no one is wrong, it's just not something you can compromise on.

This post made me think about my old college friends who in middle age do or don't have children.
there were 2 men who absolutely didn't want children, & ended up splitting up with their long time gfs, more or less because of this, subsequently both ended up with new gfs who had children ! (both the girl friends involved ended up not having children as they didn't find the right partner, one is still single)
Another girl put career first, & ended up fostering later as she felt she had a lot to give...
My bf at that time didn't want to be pinned down, later married & had 3 kids..
So I think nothing is written in stone, but how much of a gambler are you?

I guess you need to tell your DP, that you doubt that waiting 10 years is workable, on your own fertility time scale, & that you don't want to end up bitter & full of remorse later, that he has 100% the right to not want a family, but it won't work for you. Give him time to consider, (it does mean he has to become an adult.) I mean even marriage, why does he want to wait 5 years to commit ? If he remains firm then kiss him goodbye, there is always a small chance he realises later & you can make up. In the mean time, you have time to find a new Partner

I think he sounds like he thinks getting married and having kids sounds so 'responsible' and he equates that with being like his dad, pushing a pram, sleepless nights and bloody hard work - which it is. In other words, he'dd have to be grown up and be 'boring'. As the other poster said, he enjoyed himself when you were away and split with you so that would give credance to him not wanting to grow up. Fair do's to him though becsuse at least he's telling you. The time frames he is giving you are daft. I think you need to tell him thst if you are going to split you need to do it now because that gives you a couple of years to find someone and grow into that relationship. Ideally you'd like to have a couple of kids by the time you are 35/6. I had my first at 30 and my second at 35. DH and I have had so much less energy for the second one plus, for quite s bit of time I was perimenopausal then the menopause hit. You reslly don't want to. E running sround after small people when you are flooding or flushing or just irrate.

If having a child is very important to you and he is still faffing about by Easter then wave good bye.

I'm not so sure you should leave. You are 28, so in 8 years you'll be 36. Loads and loads of people leave having kids until then - it lets you get settled in your career and have some income behind you. (If you were 38, my advice would not be the same).

I would give this a bit more thought and a bit more time. He's not said no. He's clearly been shocked at your timescale, and if he had a very different view of how your future would work, that's not so surprising. Give him a bit of space to process!! The vast majority of men I know have reacted in the same way when the subject initially came up (though their wives weren't always aware!!), but who have been doting dads within 2-3 years, and haven't looked back. The fact that more of his friends are likely to have kids in the next few years will make a difference.

I think you have to be honest with him that this is definitely what you want, and to make it clear that the subject isn't going away - but you also need to be prepared to compromise on your timetable. Waiting 3-4 years is not that big a deal at 28.

I don't think it's selfish and immature to go out with your mates at 35, though. It's a valid choice!

I think you need a long think alone now about what you want more, children or him.

If children leave now and make the break amicably.

Don't hang around hoping he will change his mind.

I always knew I wanted children. My ex had never given it much thought, but when he thought about it he realised that that he didn't.

There was a lot of angst. I really struggle trying to decide between leaving the best relationship of my life in the hope of meeting someone new to have a family with, or accepting that by staying with him I would never be a mother. Eventually he told me that he accepted that being in a relationship with me meant that he would have children with me and he was ready.

We were together for 6 years before we had our wonderful DS, but our relationship broke down almost as soon as he was born. The reasons are complicated, but fundamentally we couldn't overcome the basic fact that we wanted different things from life. We worked at it for a couple of years. In many ways he is a brilliant dad. He doesn't regret having DS at all. But he definitely doesn't want to have any more.

Looking back, I see how much I was kidding myself, thinking that once DS came along he would realise how brilliant it is having children and would want to have more.

I know how incredibly lucky I am to have DS, but I will always feel sad that he is growing up with separated parents and he doesn't have any siblings. It is a deep grief that is with me every day. If I could talk to my 28 year old self, I would tell her to be braver; to place more value on the things that are important to her, and hold out for a relationship with someone who wants the same things.

If it was me, I'd leave. Sorry.

It is one of many things in a relationship that both partners MUST be on the same page IMO. There is nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting children but a couple must have the same view. Tbh I would give him a bit of time to reflect in case it was just off the cuff but if his view did not change I would leave.

I haven't read past the second paragraph but yes definitely dump him, after perhaps seeing if an ultimatum works. I.e. I want to get married now and start planning a family, with you preferably but if not then with someone else. You've been together for ages and you may be infertile by the time he's ready. Sorry to be blunt!

You aren't even living together yet so I say walk away now. The relationship has already had problems. He wants you but no actual commitment...doesn't even in visage getting engaged for five years ffs!

Sorry but leave him to it and find someone who shares your goals. Even if he does eventually give in and have dc he could well end up being one of those dads you read about on here who act like another child in the family with all the hard stuff and responsibility landing on the woman's shoulders. That's not a solid partnership.

Follow your dreams. He's been fun but not The One.

And definitely do not take the advice to wait until you are 36. Blimey that's a risky strategy .

Ps what mix says above is right. I know men from my uni/school friends who said that, broke up and then did have kids with the next partner... it is a gamble. Things change quickly at your age. None of my friends had kids then and I'm now five years older and most of them do.

Breaking up with him now will be much easier than in another year or two after you have moved in together. The chances of him changing his mind are very small so best to start planning a future without him. You already know that you can survive without him so it's better not to waste any more time on a relationship that isn't moving forward in the way you want.

8-10 years if at all is ridiculous. You have to leave him.

Time is his friend but not yours. You can always freeze your eggs

Dump. I'm going to be honest if someone spent 4 months apart from me moping about miserable trying to get up the courage to talk to me when they split up with me in the first place and weren't sure they wanted a serious relationship I'd tell them to get fucked. Seriously. In all honesty if you're the type of person who wants marriage and children that should have been the end of it. At the risk of being brutal you want someone who makes you the centre of their world, that they would do ANYTHING to get back with you if they made a mistake. Not spend 4 months faffing about. When you have children together they are like a grenade in your relationship. You really can't be half arsed about it.

He wants different things to you. Find someone else while you still have time to be picky otherwise you will get to mid 30s and your fertility will drop and it will be more pressurised (I had my first child at 23 and my second with a different husband at 32. I'm 35 this year). If having dc is important to you you need to make it happen.

It IS black and white. There is no compromise between having kids or not having kids . It's all or nothing .

He s told you honestly that doesn't want them. He might in 8-10 years but who knows. It's his free choice to make - there is nothing selfish or inmature about not wanting kids . And even if there was - he's 30, he's as mature as he is ever going to be!

You know you do want them . You said it's the most important thing in your life .

So you are incompatible . You want completely different things from life. It's not fair to either of you to stay .

You are very VERY lucky that you have found this out now and not when you are 38 BTW

I think you need to leave him. Sorry to be blunt but you want different things and there isn't a compromise on this (or there wouldn't be for me). You can't hang on hoping that he'll change his mind for 10 years and he shouldn't expect you to. I think you would end up resenting him and that would sour the relationship anyway.

There are plenty of men out there that do want a family and at 28 you are young and have lots of time to meet someone else.

I've got a few years on you, OP, and quite a few friends who wanted children who don't have them.
Two were in your position and waited with their DPs for their minds to change. They stayed because they had great relationships in other ways and were best friends. In the end, the tension was too great within the relationship over this issue and they split up anyway. Crucially, when they split it was too late for the women to have kids, in both cases.

Painful as it might be, my advice (as for others on this thread) would be to cut and run. Just do it. You're 28. Perfect time for it. Good luck

If you DH was under 25 and No Kids I would say fine. He's young, live forever and all that. 30 is getting to be a it old to be saying No Kids.

As far as 28 being young. Its not! My parents generation had popped their kids out by 25. I have a friend who's now a GrandP at 45 - and she still looks pretty good in a bikini! She had her first kid at 21, last at 35. Her daughter's just popped one out 24. This is what her and her family have done for generations - have your kids under 30. Its how humans are designed.

FellowSub's right. Over time, very few relationship last not having kids.

No kids. No grandkids. Its a miserable life. People get better + twisted.