Help please - boyfriend cheated, not sure what to do next (long, sorry)

[abbaroony]

Hi everyone, I'm a long time lurker, but very rarely post.

I'm after some advice... here's the story (I'll try not to leave out any details that might be relevant):

I broke up with my ex boyfriend in April last year, after 2 years of trying to make a long distance relationship (London - Lake District) work, I realised that actually he just wasn't into me that much and i spent a lot of the time feeling let down and rejected.

Not long after, I met my current boyfriend. Things moved pretty quickly, he made me so happy, seemed to make so much more effort than my ex, and we spent our time having loads of fun together. A couple of months in, he went on a lads holiday to Croatia, at the same time that I was going to a festival. It was at this point that we had 'the chat' and said that we definitely wouldn't get with anyone else while we were away, because that we wanted to become 'official'. All good, or so I thought.

After he got back it was my birthday and he'd planned an amazing day full of surprises and generally made me feel really loved and special. I should say that although this was lovely, it definitely wasn't out of character because he's always doing really nice, thoughtful things for me.

Fast forward to now. His dad died after a short illness on Friday last week, this comes after his mum dying 2 years ago, leaving him and his brother (both in their mid twenties) without any family - no extended family whatsoever. Obviously this has been a really bloody difficult time.

I went round last night to cook them both dinner and just hang out watching tv etc. He told me that his ex had sent him a message asking if he could try and describe what it was like to be in a relationship with someone with depression (she suffers quite badly, and I think it's one of the main reasons they broke up) because she's trying to understand what she can to to try and make a relationship work (not with him, just in general) he said he'd replied with a nice but hopefully helpful answer and that she'd replied to say thanks.

Now this is the bit I feel guilty about. When I got home I remembered that he was still logged onto facebook on my laptop, so decided to read the messages. I'm not exactly sure why decided to do this, I suppose I wanted to see if he'd told me everything about the conversation. And also probably because I'm just really nosy.

I discovered that he'd deleted the messages, which instantly made me on high alert. I should point out that up until now I've never had any reason not to trust him, but am fairly insecure so do often worry about other girls, even though I'm pretty sure that I don't actually need to. I clicked on the 'other messages' bit which is where messages from people you aren't friends with go. There was an unread message from a girl, which was sent while he was on holiday last year. She said that she was really happy that she'd remembered his full name and had looked him up on Facebook as soon as he'd got home. Then another message the next day asking whether he'd got home ok. And then a final message saying that she can't believe that he'd blocked her from adding him as a friend. I felt sick, my instant reaction was that something must have happened for her to have sent messages like that (and for him to have blocked her friendship request).

I then spent the next couple of hours texting him about it. He told me that he walked her home after a party because she was really drunk. They'd got talking and kissed. He swears that nothing more happened and I believe him.

What do I do now? My head is completely spinning. It's making me doubt everything.

He was really apologetic said that he knows he should have told me at the time, but that honestly it meant nothing and that he knew that I'd probably just break up with him straight away if he'd told me (he's right). He said he knows there's nothing he can say that will make it any better, but that he knows that her being drunk wasn't an excuse and that he really hopes we can get past this because I mean so much to him. He also said that he is going to make a real effort with me because whilst things have still been great with us, I think we're both guilty of not making the same effort as we used to, and he knows that that upsets me.

Please help me work out what to do next..

I just don't know if I can trust him. He promises that he's not been with anyone else while we've been together and I believe him. But how can he have done that to me? Surely if you were in love with your girlfriend you wouldn't want to kiss anyone else, no matter how drunk you are?

(Really sorry this is so long, if you got to the end, well done! I just wanted to try and give the full picture)

His dad died last week!
Now is not the time to address this and be spying on him and calling him to accountLeave the subject, his head must be all over the place. He never messaged this girl he blocked her. You say you have a great relationship, try to move on. You do sound jealous and insecure but now isn't the time to have it out with him.
Either you can live wit it that he drunken,y kissed someone else on holiday or you can't. Time will tell. But drop the subject for now let him grieve for his dad and stop spying on him.

He sounds like a pretty decent bloke to me to be honest.

He treats you well, he's kind to his ex, and he seems to have blocked this other girl (who appears to have tracked him down online - did I understand that bit right?)

He's lost both his parents in the last two years - his dad as recently as Friday and is now (apart from one sibling) - alone in the world. That's hard at any age, let alone a young man in his 20s.

He's held his hands up immediately and said yes he did walk this other girl home and he did kiss her and being pissed is no excuse. You would be amazed how many blokes would lie through their teeth and deny, deny, deny, but your guy has admitted it straight up. He's apologised profusely, admits he was entirely wrong, also told you how much he feels for you and wants you both to put more effort into the relationship

Personally, I'd cut him a bit a slack - and it's not often I say that!

I dont think its fair to say you were spying on him. His Facebook was logged in and you decided to look through the messages. This isnt "spying" in my book. If you're in a solid relationship then its fair game to know about your partner.

I think you need to ask yourself if you can trust him or not. Personally, I dont think you can and you will always be looking over your shoulder. If someone who treats you as well as this lies to you, what else is hiding. Can you trust him if he goes away on his own again?

Its unfortunate timing with his dad passing away but this is important enough to aks for direct answers. It isnt OP's fault that he cheated.

Some people would say kissing was cheating and I think you probably know that cheaters and liars will try and minimise what happened. Going by the messages, I doubt that one walk home and a bit of kissing was all that happened.

You have invested a bit of time on him, you have to ask if you should invest any more. Its up to you.

If it wasn't for his loss I'd say kick him to the kerb but I too think on this occasion, cut him some slack, no he shouldn't have done it and if it meant nothing does that mean he will do it again, after all, it means nothing - well I am sure it bloody meant plenty to you.

You can't trust him now, he will have to work to restore that, losing his parents is not really a green light to go out and cheat, you either are a cheat or you are not, he's showed you he's more than capable, be aware and don't be fooled again.

It was a drunken snog.
He blocked her on FB
You snooped
And he lost his dad less than a week ago
I would be the one dumping you not the other way round!! You sound like a nightmare.

I don't believe him. I don't see why he'd give his name to a brief drunken snog.

You looked because you wanted to know if you were being told the full truth about a conversation he'd had, and it turned out you weren't told the full truth about something else. Your instincts were right.

It was 2 months in when he went on holiday, and nothing has happened since that you know of. I think you need to give him another chance, it was very early days.

Hi Everyone, thanks for the replies.

Completely understand that now is not the right time to try and deal with this, but I know that I wouldn't have been able to act normally around him after having seen the messages and he'd know something was up. So I thought that if we had a text conversation about it it would give us chance to think about our responses and hopefully have a rational discussion, rather than just shouting which might have happened if we'd been face to face.

Just to be clear, the holiday/kiss happened months before his Dad became ill, so that can't be used as an excuse for it happening.

I think the main conflict in my head is that zippey is probably right and I will always have an element of doubt. But at the same time, I've never been as happy with anyone as I am with him, and it seems naive possibly, to throw all that away for one drunken kiss. So basically I go from being in complete disbelief that he could do this, to trying to minimise it for his sake.

The thing that really sticks is that we'd had the conversation about being faithful just a few days before.

BafanaThesober I completely understand that I shouldn't have looked at his messages, but not sure that I'm a 'nightmare'?

Heels99 and Fontella I think you're right, he is absolutely brilliant, and I should try and get over it. I suppose we'll just have to see whether I'm able to forgive and forget (I'd like to) or whether the forgetting bit will be easier said than done.

I don't agree with anyone who thinks that you should treat this any differently than if there hadn't been a bereavement and the two things are separate issues.

If you boundaries have been broken then end it, if you think it's repairable then try.

My DHs father died fairly recently and if he'd crossed my boundaries he'd be out. He has always known that I will never accept being cheated on after my previous relationship. A bereavement wouldn't make me change my attitude on what I deserve from a relationship.

You don't need to decide now. Let it percolate. Let him mourn his dad. See where you are in a few weeks

OP, I think you are possibly getting a bit of a hard time because, just a few days after his dad died, you spend hours texting him about this. You made it sound a bit like an interrogation.

I agree with Heels. Give it a bit of time (for you and him). I'm afraid that I don't think you can trust him. Kissing another girl a few days after having the "we're exclusive" chat really doesn't bode well.

He clearly knows what to say to you to keep you onside, too. The stuff about making more of an effort "because he knows that upsets you".

We can only go on what you've said, but if you think about this objectively (and you've already said that you realise you are minimising this), is it possible you are seeing and hearing what you want to see and hear?

I'm a man, btw, in case that helps at all!

To the people saying that I shouldn't have looked his messages - you are absolutely right. But if I hadn't found the messages, would I be an idiot to be merrily going along in what I thought was a pretty perfect relationship?

I'd also like to just say that I will definitely not try and turn this into a big drama right now and I know that all he needs to be thinking about at the moment is his Dad. We did talk about it last night, but that was mainly so I could understand what actually happened and how he felt about it. I won't be going on and on about it by any means, I have the information now, so i'll just have to process it all in my head, and will possibly readdress it all at a later date when his dad's death isn't quite so raw.

Having some outside perspective is really useful and reading all your responses is really helping. Thank you.

I agree with Heels, mull over things for a while, figure out how you feel about it. You can still support him through his grief, by not making this time all about you and how you're feeling. If in a few months you still feel hurt and like the trust had gone, deal with it then.

Sorry x post.

You don't generally offer your full name to random strangers on holiday (not even those you snog/shag) so the fact that she had extracted his name makes me suspicious - but not of him. Some people love to 'make friends' and then land themselves on their 'good friends' for a visit. She may well be one of them, and was miffed when your boyfriend didn't do the British embarrassed-to-say-no-don't-want-to-make-a-fuss thing. I really wouldn't worry about the drunken kiss either.

You started your OP with a description of the relationship before this one. I think you've still got a bit of a hangover from that one, and it's colouring your reactions in your current one somewhat. You might want to ponder how you'd feel if that were not the case. Or to put it another way - don't punish this boyfriend for the misdemeanours of the last one.

Whatever you decide, don't be hasty. This man is having a horrible time that he cannot control, be kind.

No, you wouldn't have been an idiot to be merrily going along. You'd have been a trusting and faithful girlfriend who had a dishonest and unfaithful boyfriend.

His poor behavious would have reflected badly only on him, not you.

I'm going against the grain with the advice here.

Firstly, I don't think you should outright dump him right now, but I do think you should put this conversation on the back burner, and begin to emotionally detach, whilst supporting him for a bit longer. Even though what he did was shit, he has been good to you, and doesn't deserve to be kicked when he is already down.

However, that said, the fact he is going through a difficult time right now doesn't somehow magically excuse what he did, and I think you would be a total fool to ignore that on a long term basis.

At very least he must have spent the entire time at that party flirting and chatting up the girl, then walked her home in order to kiss her. You don't just kiss complete strangers, alone on the street somewhere, that you met ten minutes ago. Likewise, you don't let someone walk you home unless you at least have a basic trust in them (through to, maybe, flirting with them all night). If she liked him enough to try and make contact through facebook, then that would really suggest to me that they actually hung out together quite a bit whilst on holiday.

He had a chance to come clean with you when he got back. That is what he should have done. He chose not to because he thought you would dump him . So he is happy to play around, but not accept the consequences?

That puts him firmly in twat category in my mind.

Likewise, I like the subtle dig "we haven't been trying as hard recently" as if this situation is somehow partly your fault too? The fuck?

It was a shag not a snog. You're not going to know someone's full name or try and contact them on Facebook after a snog. And guys don't walk strangers home out of the goodness of their hearts. He didn't behave well to her either.

Whereyouleftit - except that she isn't. It was THIS boyfriend who cheated on her, having already agreed previously that they were in an exclusive relationship, and then subsequently lied about it through omission to protect his own precious self.

That's got nothing to do with her ex. That's ALL on him.

xpost with kay - quite.

Oh and I don't believe the story about his ex either. If it was all simply about her 'depression' why did he delete the messages?

I sort of agree with Twinklestein on the ex thing, too. A bit odd that he volunteered the information but deleted the messages. Maybe there was more to it and he felt guilty about it so told you a half-truth to make himself feel better.

Also, didn't the girl on holiday say that she "remembered" his full name - so he must have told it to her?? And, from your first post, it sounds like only the girl was drunk and not him, so he can't plead a drunken snog in mitigation...

Sorry, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear.

Hi abba

I understand the holiday kiss (or whatever it was) was some time ago and his dad's recent death is no excuse. I just meant cut him some slack in terms of the timing of having this out with him now.

It may well have been more than a drunken kiss - no one here knows that's for sure. But whatever it was it's happened, it was a while ago and as far as you know there's been nothing since.

As someone up above wrote, it's whether you can accept it happened, trust that he hasn't done anything else, accept his apologies and move forward in your relationship.

Usually when I read these threads I'm very much LTB - an old cynic who has been there, done that with cheats, liars and arseholes of all shapes and sizes. Maybe my arsehole radar isn't working properly today .. but it's not leaping out at me that your boyfriend is one.

Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for him for losing both parents, but aside from that, everything you've written about him - how he treats you - he sounds like a decent bloke to me. Decent people do, sometimes, make mistakes and I'm not making excuses for him, but it does occasionally happen. Maybe this is one of those times, maybe it isn't. In the long run, only you can decide whether you can trust him or not.

I'd keep your counsel for the time being, let him mourn his dad and then see where you go from there.

You don't need to be an arsehole to cheat.

You don't swap 'full names' with someone you've walked home. Even drunkenly kissed. They had sex, more than once. I'll eat my sunglasses if they didn't.

He's deleted the messages between him & his ex.

I'm sorry his Dad has died and that his Mum died recently too. However, he's cheated/cheating on you and you deserve better.

Less than a year in he shouldn't be 'trying' because 'not trying' upsets you.

Let him go.