Help please - boyfriend cheated, not sure what to do next (long, sorry)

[abbaroony]

Hi everyone, I'm a long time lurker, but very rarely post.

I'm after some advice... here's the story (I'll try not to leave out any details that might be relevant):

I broke up with my ex boyfriend in April last year, after 2 years of trying to make a long distance relationship (London - Lake District) work, I realised that actually he just wasn't into me that much and i spent a lot of the time feeling let down and rejected.

Not long after, I met my current boyfriend. Things moved pretty quickly, he made me so happy, seemed to make so much more effort than my ex, and we spent our time having loads of fun together. A couple of months in, he went on a lads holiday to Croatia, at the same time that I was going to a festival. It was at this point that we had 'the chat' and said that we definitely wouldn't get with anyone else while we were away, because that we wanted to become 'official'. All good, or so I thought.

After he got back it was my birthday and he'd planned an amazing day full of surprises and generally made me feel really loved and special. I should say that although this was lovely, it definitely wasn't out of character because he's always doing really nice, thoughtful things for me.

Fast forward to now. His dad died after a short illness on Friday last week, this comes after his mum dying 2 years ago, leaving him and his brother (both in their mid twenties) without any family - no extended family whatsoever. Obviously this has been a really bloody difficult time.

I went round last night to cook them both dinner and just hang out watching tv etc. He told me that his ex had sent him a message asking if he could try and describe what it was like to be in a relationship with someone with depression (she suffers quite badly, and I think it's one of the main reasons they broke up) because she's trying to understand what she can to to try and make a relationship work (not with him, just in general) he said he'd replied with a nice but hopefully helpful answer and that she'd replied to say thanks.

Now this is the bit I feel guilty about. When I got home I remembered that he was still logged onto facebook on my laptop, so decided to read the messages. I'm not exactly sure why decided to do this, I suppose I wanted to see if he'd told me everything about the conversation. And also probably because I'm just really nosy.

I discovered that he'd deleted the messages, which instantly made me on high alert. I should point out that up until now I've never had any reason not to trust him, but am fairly insecure so do often worry about other girls, even though I'm pretty sure that I don't actually need to. I clicked on the 'other messages' bit which is where messages from people you aren't friends with go. There was an unread message from a girl, which was sent while he was on holiday last year. She said that she was really happy that she'd remembered his full name and had looked him up on Facebook as soon as he'd got home. Then another message the next day asking whether he'd got home ok. And then a final message saying that she can't believe that he'd blocked her from adding him as a friend. I felt sick, my instant reaction was that something must have happened for her to have sent messages like that (and for him to have blocked her friendship request).

I then spent the next couple of hours texting him about it. He told me that he walked her home after a party because she was really drunk. They'd got talking and kissed. He swears that nothing more happened and I believe him.

What do I do now? My head is completely spinning. It's making me doubt everything.

He was really apologetic said that he knows he should have told me at the time, but that honestly it meant nothing and that he knew that I'd probably just break up with him straight away if he'd told me (he's right). He said he knows there's nothing he can say that will make it any better, but that he knows that her being drunk wasn't an excuse and that he really hopes we can get past this because I mean so much to him. He also said that he is going to make a real effort with me because whilst things have still been great with us, I think we're both guilty of not making the same effort as we used to, and he knows that that upsets me.

Please help me work out what to do next..

I just don't know if I can trust him. He promises that he's not been with anyone else while we've been together and I believe him. But how can he have done that to me? Surely if you were in love with your girlfriend you wouldn't want to kiss anyone else, no matter how drunk you are?

(Really sorry this is so long, if you got to the end, well done! I just wanted to try and give the full picture)

Hi again.

shovetheholly I don't think that woman is inherently unfaithful no, but in that situation I can see a direct link between that she did and her husband dying - ie I doubt it would have happened if he was alive. In my situation I'm not so sure there is a link. Whilst I do agree with pp who say that grief is a very complicated thing that can affect your actions in ways you might not realise, I just can't see the link between his mum's death and kissing that girl. I am prepared to be proved wrong though.

He says that she asked him to walk her home because she was so drunk and in a foreign country and that whilst they were both drunk he thinks that it was probably him who took advantage as she didn't invite him in afterwards or try and make things go further than a kiss(and neither did he). This then does slightly contradict the messages he received from her in the few days afterwards. However this could easily be just that she didn't want a one night stand, but did like him so wanted to talk to him more/arrange to see him again. What do you think?

To answer a few questions...
shovetheholly I'm 24 and he is 25. You're right about me being very insecure, and it's something i'm really trying to not let it become a big part of this relationship, but I do sometimes find it hard. And the thing is, I thought that i really could trust him, and now this, so that just makes me feel that I was right to be insecure!

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat i think the last part of your post sums it up really well.

kaykayred is lying by omission the same thing? I mean I didn't ask him if he had been with anyone, so he's never actually denied it, just not told me about it. (I'm not excusing his behavior, I'm just wondering if you think it makes a difference?

McFox whilst I obviously did look at his messages, which I know is wrong, I wasn't trying to catch him out because i had no reason to believe that he's done anything wrong. I just wanted to read the message he sent to his ex to see if it held true with what he had told me, which I understand that many of you will think was a horrible thing to do.

To those saying I should distance myself and deal with this later, two things:

1. I don't think I can do that right now, as I am very much involved in helping them to organise the funeral, sort out his affairs, house etc. and to be honest, whatever he has done I still want to provide that support for him now.

1. Would this be with a view to breaking up with him at a later date. Or just reassessing everything at a later date and making a decision about what to do then?

Sorry, abba, that example wasn't meant to be about you - I was trying to show that grief can do strange things to people.

I personally think your DP has told you the truth, and it was just a drunken kiss, BUT what I think doesn't really matter does it? It's about what you think happened, and how big your doubts are about it. Furthermore, it's about how you react to those feelings - only you really know if you can come back from this and trust him again. If you want to draw a line here and end things, then I think you have every right to do so, though I think his father's passing complicates things on the timing of that.

Sounding worse actually, he admits to taking advantage of the woman - and again, if it meant nothing does that mean faced with a similar situation the future, he'll do the same....sounds like it.

Jan45 I'm not sure. I think he possibly said that to show that he's taking responsibility. And without trying to look like I'm sticking up for him too much, I think there's a difference between taking advantage of the situation and taking advantage of the woman. It does sound like she wanted to kiss him, I'm just not sure that she made the first move. This is still bad, I know that!

Obviously I could just be being an idiot!

You may not be able to trust him, but I would think he has to be questioning any trust he puts in you. I can not agree snooping on his Facebook is OK. Hopefully for you he may forgive you but your snooping might always be between you.

abba - I do think you need to take a step back from this. The fact that you are involved in sorting the funeral out etc. doesn't mean you have to deal with this issue about his fidelity right now. Give yourself a few weeks.

I'm afraid that I think you are sticking up for him (and you probably realise this). The reality is that he lied to you and got caught out. His story as to how it all happened doesn't really stack up. The thing with his ex is very odd and appears to have been volunteered to you to make him look good (and possibly assuage his guilt).

Agonising over whether lying by omission makes it not as bad, and splitting hairs over whether he took advantage of the situation or the woman, who initiated the kiss etc. is all a bit irrelevant to my mind.

Sorry abbaroony, I meant to add. You have trust issues now both ways. Everyone is human and we make mistakes. You have been together 9 months which is so little time and small bumps along the way to a lasting relationship sometimes need to be seen for what they are, little bumps in the road.

My DH did something similar 6 months into our relationship, it made me take a step back and rethink things, I went on a few dates with other men.

I think we both realised at the same time that we risked losing each other, I think that he had been slower to get fully on board than me, we were very young.

You should take things very slowly, he could be a keeper, who knows? it's too early to tell. Just keep a little bit of yourself back.

Snoop all you want, it IS your business. You'll know when you don't need to any more.

I usually just lurk, but thought I'd pop into this thread to say that I always delete messages from my ex after reading/responding.
I will always reply politely if he does contact me, but then delete the messages as keeping them feels a bit too personal, like we still have a relationship. I hope that makes sense. I know a couple of my friends do similar.

He sounds to me like a boy who made a silly mistake at the start of a relationship, take things slowly, give yourself time to get to know him a little better and then decide what you want to do.

Kissing someone else is cheating, if you wouldnt do infront of your partner then it means its out of bounds.

I have an awful feeling OP that he is just "confessing to kissing" in order to minimise what really happenend

Something happened on the holiday that you found out about only later and not because he told you. It's therefore possible that something else happened that he also hasn't told you about. It may also be that it didn't but you'd be right to go .

I'd give him sixty seconds to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, with the caveat that if you find later that his evidence was in any way bollocks his arse will be out the door so fast his head will spin.

At the very least it should nip any further arseholery in the bud.

I can't believe anyone is even saying you sound like a nightmare.

You sound like a lovely person who would never cheat or hurt someone else - please ignore those ridiculous comments.

I think that what happened was definitely not ok, and for obvious reasons will have shattered our trust in him. I think he needs to know that, although I'm not sure at what point (due to the recent death).

Overall I think you could let it go as it wsa such early days. If you can trust him NOW and believe him that there was nothing SINCE then, then you have a good reason to carry on. The fact he blocked this girl shows that he wanted nothing to do with her, and I'm not sure you would even need a last name to find someone on FB if you knew their location, what they looked like etc. sounds more like this girl came on to him.

He sounds trustworthy and nice from everyhting else you have said. I think you need to have a chat with him to show him how upset you are, though. Again, obviously I'm not sure when you can do this. I don't thnik it is a deal breaker, though.

Hope you're ok.

Just on the topic of 'whether you share full names with a drunken snog', I have, on multiple occasions, for non-nefarious reasons (I promise!) tracked people down on facebook solely from a first name. All you need is to know, maybe, where they live, or perhaps the name of one of their other friends, or any number of minor things. It's definitely possible that that's exactly what happened, that she was part of a group hanging out in a bar with his group of friends and she tracked him down knowing very little about him, just what you'd learn from conversations with a group of strangers in a bar.

So the whole 'he definitely shagged her otherwise how would she have found him on facebook' thing is a bit off, imo.

Otherwise, I'm with TitchyThings. Do you think this guy might be a keeper? In that case, maybe this is something you can get past.

Either way, now is not the time to decide. Give it a couple of weeks. You're allowed to feel crappy about this, but there is no rule that says you have to break up with someone if such-and-such happens. Do what makes you happy. If he can make you happy, then that's a good thing, and people do make mistakes. You ARE young, and I'm sorry, but at your age I do think this sort of thing happens - it's kind of the time to be making mistakes, and learning from them. If he loses you over it, he'll learn the hard way. And if he doesn't, hopefully he'll realise that even the risk of losing you wasn't worth it.

I'd give him sixty seconds to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, with the caveat that if you find later that his evidence was in any way bollocks his arse will be out the door so fast his head will spin.

Would that be before he buries his father or after?

shaska - OP said that this girl's message to him said she was really pleased "she remembered his full name".

Anyway, my point was that I very strongly doubt that, as he says, he can't remember her name.

Oh right, sorry I missed that.

I don't know, maybe she did? I'm a person who remembers names, some people are. Maybe he has an unusual name. Who knows. I just don't think the logic of 'tracked him down on facebook = they definitely shagged' is quite there - but that's just me and I understand others feel differently, which is fine too.

I don't think they shagged because of the FB issue. I think they shagged full stop, and that the FB shenanigans imply it was more than just a snog.

I agree with you, shaska. I think the confident pronouncements that they definitely shagged are overblown.

I just think that, from what's she's said, there's enough there for me not to quite trust what he's saying. And I'm a man!

When she addresses that with him is of course then a separate question. And I agree that giving it some time given what he's got going on in his life at the moment is a good idea.

I just think that, from what's she's said, there's enough there for me not to quite trust what he's saying.

Exactly. I don't trust it.

If he had come home and confessed he'd snogged a girl at the time and the story added up, then I'd be more inclined to believe him.

But he only admitted it because the OP found the messages. I don't think that girl knew he had a gf and she seems to think they had enough of a connection that it might continue. Rather than telling her the truth, he just blocked her.

Then there's the matter of the very unlikely story about the exgf's depression (why would she ask him what it was like to go out with someone who was depressed? She's not with him now so it's not relevant - how he reacted has no bearing on how someone else would react).

If an old friend he knows, comes by to say 'hello', would he still see suspicion in your eyes?

You can't go on together with suspicious minds. And you can't build your dreams on suspicious minds.

Oh let your love survive. Dry the tears from your eyes. Don't let a good thing die... mmm yeah

A lot of drama for a 9-month relationship.

My then boyfriend, only admitted to meeting a girl on holiday because I searched his wallet and found a bit of paper with a phone number and girl's name on it. It was pre technology days. He most definitely would not have told me anything if he hadn't had to.

I have had no reason not to trust him since, and we are talking a lot of years here. Those first few months matter very little when you've spent
your life together.

If MN had existed then, I would of dumped him for sure.

I can only imagine being upset at someone blocking me as a friend on FB, if I had shagged them and they had promised me something more. A snog wouldn't make me feel upset, a shag would.

Sorry op. Agree with Twinklestein and posters who say, leave it on the back burner for now, but he doesn't sound trustworthy.

The ex stuff has red flags and you say you have an instinct he's telling the truth now, but you had an instinct he was telling you the truth when he came back from holiday and he wasn't!

You could always ask her of course.