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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh horrible to me when I am ill

70 replies

reikizen · 27/01/2015 18:29

Is anyone else afflicted with a partner who is a total arse to them when you are ill? Dd2 and I have had a horrible vomiting bug and 'd'h is being such a twat, huffing around if I ask him to do anything for me and generally giving the impression that I am a time wasting malingerer (vomiting for 12 hours straight and now feeling generally crap but managing to make tea/do laundry etc). I feel ashamed of him as my friends and neighbours help me more in a crisis than he does!

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 27/01/2015 18:35

Well likely enough fate will bring a cruel twist upon him in a day or two. Revenge is a dish best served cold as they say...

He sounds very mean. Hope you feel better very soon and find yourself very busy when it's his turn having accidentally used his toothbrush.

Whereisegg · 27/01/2015 18:38

I would let rip

LadyLuck10 · 27/01/2015 18:39

He sounds very horrible op. How does he manage when he is Ill.
If I have a head ache DH will take over and get things sorted. Your dp is awful especially since you have a child who needs taking care of too.

rightsaidthread · 27/01/2015 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 27/01/2015 18:42

Is he always nice when you're well?

tribpot · 27/01/2015 18:45

You can tell a lot about someone from how they act when you're in need, OP. He doesn't like to step up, does he?

Finola1step · 27/01/2015 18:46

I'm in bed with tonsillitis. DH has taken over and is juggling the kids as well as work. I'm trying to do as much as possible for myself but he pops in regular to top up my water etc. I would do the same for him without hesitation.

Your dh is different because he resents you being ill as it impacts on him and he simply doesn't like it. You need to pull him up on this. But my question to you OP is does he disregard your feelings in other ways? Do his needs come first?

Original poster

reikizen · 27/01/2015 19:03

You are making me feel very jealous! He is quite selfish actually at other times , and it is something I have tried to raise but it always seems to be turned round to me being unreasonable. He does disregard my feelings, and it makes me feel horrible at times especially as I have quite a stressful job and struggle with anxiety (not that I would tell him in a million years!)
I will try to raise it again when I feel more like myself but I have vowed I will just take time to recouperate despite his shitty attitude.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 27/01/2015 19:08

Men who are selfish and unpleasant when they're wives are ill are often selfish and unpleasant when they are not too.

This will continue to cause problems in you relationship, he needs to step up and engage with his own behaviour and stop trying to blame you for being unreasonable.

tigermoll · 27/01/2015 19:14

I have quite a stressful job and struggle with anxiety (not that I would tell him in a million years!)

Oh. That bit made me feel really sad for you. I have anxiety and depression and my (now recently ex) partner was AMAZING about it. In fact, at times he was the only person I could really talk to who never, ever made me feel guilty or lame or ashamed.

I'm not saying this to make you feel worse or show off, but just to say that he doesn't sound like much of a partner for you. I think you deserve better.

Onsera3 · 27/01/2015 19:16

My husband is generally very helpful and quite selfless but becomes grumpy when I am ill. When pressed he has confessed that he hates being powerless to help me feel better. He displays this in a terrible fashion!

Twinklestein · 27/01/2015 19:22

Trying to keep anxiety hidden increases it ime.

Do you think your anxiety could be partly related to your husband's behaviour?

emmelinelucas · 27/01/2015 19:26

Mine is an arse when I am ill.
That's it, really

Pippin8 · 27/01/2015 20:04

The fact that he's let you make tea when you've been vomiting beggars belief. I hope you coughed extra hard in his.

Sorry, no wise words. But what an arsehole.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 27/01/2015 20:12

I will try to raise it again when I feel more like myself

Good luck with that in light of...

I have tried to raise but it always seems to be turned round to me being unreasonable

But in this case, I hope you can see that there is absolutely no way you could be unreasonable, right?

So, this time if he makes it your fault that he was selfish then it clearly shows there is something wrong with HIS thinking not YOURS. Right?

LaurieFairyCake · 27/01/2015 20:13

Just give it to him and look smug and ask him to do tea.

Original poster

reikizen · 27/01/2015 20:21

I know, it seems ridiculous to suggest it would be my fault but he would say something like 'when I try to help you say I've done it wrong' or that I was imagining it and in fact he had been very kind and attentive and he had not actually refused to do anything when asked.
Yes, I do feel awful that I can't discuss anxiety with him but he was so dismissive and angry when I brought it up after my first panic attack that I have never mentioned it since. I don't think he means to be cruel it is just that he isn't kind in any way iykwim.
I will try my best to pass the bug on to him as previously suggested!

OP posts:

TitchyThings · 27/01/2015 20:30

My normally nice DH, doesn't cope well if I'm ill, I think it scares him. He needs me to be OK.

When I was very ill once, he became quite angry and unreasonable and my DD had to give him a talking to.

Passthecake30 · 27/01/2015 20:36

Mine is a git too. I had diarrhoea on sat and still cooked dinner not that I ate it. Now I have the flu and he just ran out the door at 7am and he just ran out the house with no regard to the kids drop off. ...

HootyMcTooty · 27/01/2015 20:39

My DH and I are not natural nurse maids, but we always look after each other when we can (albeit sometimes with a bit of sarcastic eye-rolling). We can both get a bit impatient if we feel that either is wallowing, but we still try to be caring and helpful. Your DH sounds like an arse.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 27/01/2015 20:42

Christ on a bike there are some entitled tossers out there. So much for in sickness and in health.

Honestly, he will continue to be a prick for as long as he is allowed to be a prick.

Fadingmemory · 27/01/2015 20:43

My ex H was like this. Whining and demanding when he was ill, but far more so when I was ill. He once came into the bathroom while I was vomiting into the loo and asked me what was for lunch... I am well rid.

Original poster

reikizen · 27/01/2015 20:49

Lumpyspacedprincess, i do understand what you mean but it is very difficult to change that kind of behaviour isn't it? He just doesn't see that he is being an arse, I think it's because he has pretty uncaring parents. The children do reprimand him for it you will be glad to know! He just thinks I am a very capable person and gets scared and angry when I am not performing on full power. Bloody exhausting I can tell you.

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 27/01/2015 20:50

If he believes that you are there to service his needs, then he will feel put out when you are ill -- as you would a malfunctioning appliance.

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/01/2015 20:52

MY DH doesn't cope very well when I'm ill - rare event . We were quite old when we met, I'm generally very capable and a 'coper' . I think it scares him when I'm vulnerable . He's not vile though . Just a bit hand-wringy and useless (and has been known to offer me totally totally inappropriate things, like a Mars Bar ffs ).
I think when you feel better you need to have a really good look at your relationship in general .

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