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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh horrible to me when I am ill

70 replies

reikizen · 27/01/2015 18:29

Is anyone else afflicted with a partner who is a total arse to them when you are ill? Dd2 and I have had a horrible vomiting bug and 'd'h is being such a twat, huffing around if I ask him to do anything for me and generally giving the impression that I am a time wasting malingerer (vomiting for 12 hours straight and now feeling generally crap but managing to make tea/do laundry etc). I feel ashamed of him as my friends and neighbours help me more in a crisis than he does!

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 27/01/2015 20:54

reikizen I used to be married to a man like this, note the used to.

It is hard, but not as hard as staying with Mr Selfish for the next 30 years.

Twinklestein · 27/01/2015 20:56

I don't think that his anger and dismissiveness about your anxiety attack should mean that you hide it from him, that's awful. You have every right to talk about it with him and whoever you like. If he has a hostile reaction that's his problem. I would be surprised if his attitude isn't exacerbating your anxiety. Do you feel like it's important not to have a panic attack in front of him?

If he is selfish and not kind I assume he has some redeeming qualities?

GoatsDoRoam · 27/01/2015 20:56

He just thinks I am a very capable person and gets scared and angry when I am not performing

Is it your job to keep him feeling safe?

Twinklestein · 27/01/2015 20:57

He just thinks I am a very capable person and gets scared and angry when I am not performing on full power. Bloody exhausting I can tell you.

I can well imagine. What you describe is a child's reaction. Except your children have more sense and tell him off for it.

notonyourninny · 27/01/2015 21:00

That would be a deal breaker for me. I have been in bed with the flu a cold for 4 days. Dh has looked after me and our 4 dcs even taking time off work rare. I'm sorry you are ill and you h is a knob.Flowers

lomega · 27/01/2015 21:03

Tell him next time he's ill you're going to treat him the same way.

I've just had to have time off work for a vomiting bug and my DH (who is normally lovely) didn't even offer me a glass of water or check if I was ok, just sat on his laptop for most of the day! Its like oh thanks!

OP I hope you are feeling better now and your DH needs firm words.

HootyMcTooty · 27/01/2015 21:11

God I hate it when people are cruel to others but manipulate the situation with faux compliments. That's what your DH is probably doing OP. The "oh you're just so capable it's hard to cope when you're not well" is bollocks, designed to make you feel flattered rather than rightfully pissed off

marriednotdead · 27/01/2015 21:20

Your thread title caught my eye because my DH is like this too. He can't cope with me not fitting into the perfect slot he has allocated for me, and behaves as if any illness is a huge inconvenience to him Hmm

After years of making excuses for him in the same vein you have here, I have realised it's not me it's him. I will be leaving.

purpleponcho · 27/01/2015 21:23

This is a sad thread. I think the poster who used the metaphor "malfunctioning appliance" was spot on.

MajesticWhine · 27/01/2015 21:29

My DH is a total arse when I'm ill. I was tired and had my feet up 2 days after a (minor) operation and instead of sorting out dinner for the family, he arrived home and went on his rowing machine.

LineRunner · 27/01/2015 21:40

Yes, this sounds like my ExH.

My DP now however is kind and caring when I am ill, which is a very good sign. I make sure in turn that I am there for him.

Cameochick11 · 27/01/2015 21:45

I'm reading this thread with interest as my DH - who is normally pretty damn lovely - isn't great when I'm ill either. He actually told me on one occasion I should go to bed - but to go after I'd put the washing on first! His DSis and DF are both massive hypochondriacs though, so I think he learned at an early age to minimize any signs of sympathizing with any ills. He doesn't like a fuss making when he's ill either. Luckily we are both pretty healthy!

OP, hope you feel better soon!

sixandtwothrees · 27/01/2015 22:34

Aaaah sorry to add to this but I also have an exh who was like this - vile when I was ill, and one of the (many) nails in the coffin was in fact reading back on a post from a couple of years before, that was very similar to this one, albeit slightly more mopey than you are!! It reminded me that what I was experiencing had been going on for years....

Anyway, I dunno why they do it, they just can't fucking cope when you're not there doing everything you normally do - whoever said it's like a faulty appliance was bob on!!

Get well soon and good on your friends for helping you out properly

NeitherHereOrThere · 28/01/2015 09:11

Jeez, this a sad thread - so many selfish pricks not supporting their families. No way would I want to be married to someone who thinks I am there to serve him...

Jan45 · 28/01/2015 11:17

Disgusted and shocked that you are all putting up with selfish, horrible men, when the chips are down they kick you in the stomach - nice.

Wake up call, get rid.

TitchyThings · 28/01/2015 12:04

It's just something to have a grumble about for most of us, not that big a deal in an otherwise happy relationship.

I imagine it's very different if the whole relationship is difficult, or you have poor health. Obviously, only the individual, can judge how important it is to them.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2015 12:05

"If he believes that you are there to service his needs, then he will feel put out when you are ill -- as you would a malfunctioning appliance."
GoatsDoRoam has put into very succinct words what I was thinking. Your 'place' is to care for him, not the other way around. Being ill is you being uppity Sad.

Some people can react like this to a partner's illness through fear, but since you say that he "is quite selfish actually at other times" and that he turns it back on you if you try to pull him up on this, I doubt if he is one of them.

"I know, it seems ridiculous to suggest it would be my fault but he would say something like 'when I try to help you say I've done it wrong' or that I was imagining it and in fact he had been very kind and attentive and he had not actually refused to do anything when asked."
So let's look at all these responses he offers.

  1. he would say something like 'when I try to help you say I've done it wrong'
Deflecting and trivialising.
  1. or that I was imagining it and in fact he had been very kind and attentive
Gaslighting - very worrying as this can produce anxiety in the gaslighted.
  1. and he had not actually refused to do anything when asked.
Not the point, he shouldn't have to be asked.

So all round, a bit of a shit really.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 28/01/2015 13:44

If he believes that you are there to service his needs, then he will feel put out when you are ill -- as you would a malfunctioning appliance.

This.

I don't think he means to be cruel it is just that he isn't kind in any way iykwim.
Your feelings are not important. You are an appliance. I am not cruel to my washing machine, I am not kind to it either. Though I must admit I did swear at it when it leaked last month though. Fortunately I was able to repair it, otherwise I'd have chucked it out and got a new one.

What would happen if you stopped being an appliance?

BeCool · 28/01/2015 13:53

XP being mean to me while I was ill (v bad tonsillitis) was the last mean thing he did to me - it was the last straw and I ended the relationship.

shovetheholly · 28/01/2015 13:59

I worry about posts like this, because I think: what happens if (God forbid) serious illness strikes?

A relationship isn't just a temporary thing for when you're young and healthy. It should have staying power for the bad times too. Having watched both my parents go through cancer very early in their lives, I get concerned. However, I realise that this is rare and probably not a 'normal' place to be arguing from.

In this case, I worry that friends and neighbours do more, which suggests really quite an extreme degree of uselessness on the OP's partner's part.

kingofhearts · 28/01/2015 14:29

Astonished and saddened at some of the comments here.

My DW and I have a simple and enduring philosophy: we aim to lighten the load on each other and make life as pleasant as possible.

We're not saints for sure and we don't always succeed but that's what we try to do.

When either of us is ill we do everything we can to make them comfortable, see to their needs and help them get better.

Isn't that what close relationships and marriage are supposed to be about?

NeitherHereOrThere · 28/01/2015 15:03

Blimey - it is a HUGE deal. What if you came down with a life threatening illness?!

Sadly serious illness/difficult pregnancies are often when these selfish pricks decide they are entitled to look elsewhere....

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 15:17

Reikizen, I'm so sad to read this as I can identify very strongly with it. I was just thinking about the last time I was ill and it was just like that - as if I'd inconvenienced him. I think men like that take their women for granted as the women involved are usually highly competent and efficient so the second they stop they don't know how to cope. Do you think you do TOO much at home so that he never has to think about stuff for himself? The only time I ever see a modicum of sympathy and understanding in him is when he actually has to do take over for once because I am not physically there, and only then does he understand what I do, but it wears off very quickly.

BeCool · 28/01/2015 15:48

My feeling was not only was I "letting the team down" by being ill (so ill I was bed ridden), but XP had to step up and parent full time for a day or two. He actually strapped DD2 aged 1.5 at the time into the highchair and put her right in front of the TV for hours so he could sleep most of the day. he was not sick.

I had to drag myself out of bed to get drinks of water. He made me one cup of tea in 3 days - when I asked for it. He offered nothing.

As soon as I was well I ended the relationship. What would life be like if I was seriously ill did cross my mind.

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 15:51

BeCool that's made me cry (ok am already in a weepy place), how very selfish of him, I'm so angry! All because I know my H is capable of similar.