Dh horrible to me when I am ill

[reikizen]

Is anyone else afflicted with a partner who is a total arse to them when you are ill? Dd2 and I have had a horrible vomiting bug and 'd'h is being such a twat, huffing around if I ask him to do anything for me and generally giving the impression that I am a time wasting malingerer (vomiting for 12 hours straight and now feeling generally crap but managing to make tea/do laundry etc). I feel ashamed of him as my friends and neighbours help me more in a crisis than he does!

Yes it upset me too :) {{{have a wee hug}}}

However it was the moment i felt in my heart, I am sharing my life and family and home with a man who, at best, thinks very little of me.

With hindsight it was a very powerful time in my life - a "penny dropping" moment that changed everything. I couldn't brush things away or ignore the matter any further. I changed things.

Now if I am sick, if I need to, I ask him to come and take the DC for a couple of days, and he does!

So much for gender equality huh.

Fucking hell! I offer painkillers and a brew to peaky looking colleagues and I'm not even in a romantic relationship with them! Treat others how you wish to be treated yourself, it's not rocket science it's basic compassion

My dh can be a bit selfish at times, but listens when I pull him on it, as do I when he does the same to me.

I recently had a major operation, he was fantastic and looked after me to the point where it got quite claustrophobic and he got annoyed with me for trying to do too much.

I wouldn't want a partner who wouldn't talk to me about how our relationship and interactions made us feel

I'm afraid my STBXH was like this, I remember having a bad vomiting bug and having to deal with a sick baby while my H slept peacefully...
It's a bad sign IMO.

Three years ago I had a hand operation. I found it quite hard to cope as my arm was in a sling, couldn't drive, hard to prepare food, and "D"P just left me to get on with things. A year ago I had gynae surgery and bought lots of finger food that didn't need prepping so I would at least have lunch. He ate it. He also decided to burn a mountain of his work rubbish behind my stables and piss off to the pub before it had burned out. The fire flared up with huge flames, not having a hose pipe long enough I was running round chucking buckets of water on it, four days after my surgery.
I'm currently really ill with a chest infection that's lasted 15 weeks. When I ask for help he will do it with sighing and face pulling, but won't just take over and do stuff. Because I have to get on and do stuff that's his proof that I'm capable and don't need help. Last Friday I had to go to a and e via ambulance. He feels like such a caring guy because he picked me up from hospital instead of going to the pub. The following day I slipped on the algae on the patio and cracked my knee. I can't get to the hose to wash the patio down because he has so much junk in front of the tap. I've been sluicing it down with buckets of water (4 dogs toileting on it) but as it currently hurts to lift a cup if tea it's been left. Then later I was chopping kindling for the fire (the boiler had packed up and I was freezing) and managed to cut the top of my finger with the axe.
Yesterday morning I went into meltdown as we'd run out of milk and he wouldn't pop up to the shops to get some for me.
I know that if he was poorly I'd make sure he had what he needed before going out.
I've got a double mastectomy and reconstruction (prophylactic) coming up when my lungs are upto the anaesthetic. I'm now scared that I won't be able to manage when I get home.
Sorry this is so long, needed to get that off my chest.

Cherry im so sorry for your health issues. What is h bringing into your life? Seriously get rid. Twunt.

Thanks noton, that day is coming very soon. Having had three months of not much to do but think has highlighted everything that's wrong (and there's enough for a very lengthy tome) but I need to get better as my head's not right at the moment. My friend came round at the weekend who I've supported over the years, she's always known me to be so bloody strong from when I nursed my husband when he was dieing and coping with two young children. I think I scared her lol, she was certainly shocked and gave me a lot of tough love!

Cherry, as long as you have this 'partner' round your neck you will have people assuming that you have help and support.

If you were on your own you would have access to actual real support from social care and health, for a start.

OMG cherry That's awfull .Get well soon and kick the nasty pig out.

My husband is pretty clueless like this as well. I don't think he means to be, he just doesn't have any idea how to actually look after another person. He looks to be 'spoonfed'; if I ask, he will do something but only if I ask and give detailed instructions. I usually get out of bed before I should and just start sorting the place out. Dirty, untidy house makes me feel worse.

He has been very ill a couple of times during our marriage, and he was a nightmare - wanting something every ten seconds!

Cherry, I'm glad you have got good friends around you. Sending you strengthxx

Sorry but if you are ill and it's plain to see then your OH is choosing to not know what to do and is choosing to wait until he is told what to do - he's an adult right so therefore is more than capable of showing some compassion, ffs, if your OH aint got your back what's the point.....what about sickness and health, so they only like you when you are in pristine condition, WFT will happen when you get old then..........[shocked]

Also that totally contradicts if when ill he wants 24 hour attention why does he not think you deserve the same back?

Thanks for that eloquently-worded advice, Jan.

Cherry - why are you putting up with this selfish behaviour? What do you think your DC are learning from him? That women are there to be trodden on? I hope you find the strength to dump him.

If you think your man is clueless then you are being taken for a mug - its laziness that is his problem (and yours actually).

Thanks for all the supportive words. My children are both adults, and despite losing their Dad at a young age, have grown up very grounded and independent, both very kind hearted and supportive.
I'm a habitual user of distraction techniques, keeping busy, work, hobbies, family, social life. So being ill for so long has turned me topsy turvey, too much time to dwell on my problems. But determined to turn my life round as soon as my body will allow. Watch this space!! Virtual support from me to all poorly people needing it

Sorry if I'm steering this thread onto a tangent, but for 34 years I've been girlfriend, wife, mum. carer, widow, partner....now it's time to be...ME...

Good for you cherry!

You won't know yourself when you've got rid of this lazy twat. Do it soon!

I sympathise. My normally caring husband can turn into a jerk of the highest order at the first sign of an illness. I remember Dd and I had norovirus when she was about 18 months. He came home and we were both in bed after being sick. I was in the bathroom with my head down the loo and he ran his fingers along the door frame and looked at the resulting dust in disdain. Twat.

This week I came down with a bad cold. Nothing serious but very bunged up and generally unwell. I went to bed at 8 and I didn't so much as get a cup of tea.

He also point scores. I say I am I'll, then he's worse. Heaven knows what its about.

The best was the day after giving birth, I commented on how tired I was. I had had Dd at 6pm after a 10 hour labour and then spent the night in a 6 bed bay with 6 newborns and their mums. He had gone home at 10 and slept till 9 and was claiming he was exhausted. The look I gave him was close to murder.

I don't know what its all about. His mum was very fussy over him so maybe that. Maybe he is just very selfish and I only see it at a time of need. Its not consistent though because if I need something practical at other times, he is great.