Familial bullying

[DeckSwabber]

Does anyone have any experience of dealing with this that would be useful to share?

I feel like my family generally isolate me and hinder me when they can, ignore my efforts to sort things out, ignore emails etc. I feel thoroughly scapegoated.

I would just curt them all off but it's not that easy - elderly relative involved.

I'm in my early fifties, btw - I feel I should be able to deal with it!

eg has anyone tried formal mediation?

There's a saying that 'you can't negotiate with a terrorist' and bullies are essentially emotional terrorists. It's not a matter of misunderstanding or poor communication, most often, it's a matter of being in control by hook or by crook. They don't care about their impact on others, their behaviour is simply a means to an end.

For mediation to be successful it depends on everyone in the process being a) reasonable, b) in agreement that there is a problem and c) that they may have to adjust their behaviour. A bully will do none of those things.

If you're saying that you're trying to keep contact with a parent but unpleasant siblings are making things miserable, I'm afraid the only approach you can reliably change is your own.

My parents periodically shuffle us around into role of scapegoat and golden child. It's like they're unable to like us all at once. First they cut one of us off for a couple of years, decided they liked her again how lovely of them then have now cut my eldest sister off. By cutting off I mean being told in no uncertain terms they were no longer welcome in their house.

I've decided to go NC before they decide to cut me off. Detach as much as you can emotionally. Don't play their game.

Miserable is the word.

I am the main visitor for my mum and thankfully no issues any more about me seeing her. Where she was before I was made very unwelcome. Even if I took my mum out for lunch, there would soon be a horror story doing the rounds about my awful behaviour, fabricated to punish me.

I look after most of her stuff, one way or the other. The others make it really difficult for me but legally there are things we need to cooperate on. My sibling is the main problem but there are others involved.

Its the united front that they put up that is the distressing thing.

I should add that I try really hard to keep my my mum in contact with her awful relatives, eg getting her on to the phone, supporting her calls, and sending photos and updates, but I literally get no acknowledgement.

No progress on what I need to get done and its so demoralising.

I use email to communicate so that I know what I've said (and because phone calls don't work - ether I get upset or whatever is agreed in the phone call is forgotten or twisted). My sibling has ignored all emails on this legal matter, but sent me a fairly meaningless email on another matter with no reference to the issue that needs to be resolved., It sounds trivial but this is what happens constantly. Lots of frustrations and refusals to respond to basic requests.

The other family also need to act and have also not responded to the request. I actually need to talk to my my mum's sister but I'm forbidden, so I've made my request to her in writing and I've politely asked this side of the family to have a chat and maybe help her if she needs it, but no acknowledgement at all.

I feel so frustrated that I am trying to move on and let bygones be bygones but they all make it such hard work.

You may find you get further if you take the 'might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb' approach. i.e. you are the subject of horror stories already, take advantage of the situation and be a horror.

Or at least stop being so polite and passive, do whatever it is you personally need to do to feel good about yourself and make things happen, anticipate hostility at every step, and go on the offensive where necessary. Legal matters (money? property?) tend to bring out the worst in people.... I suppose you've looked at ways to eliminate all these other relatives from her affairs?

I really wouldn't waste more time trying to keep Mum in touch with these people. If they were interested in her, they'd make the effort. If they liked you, ditto.

I keep my mum in touch because she has dementia so contact is good for her, and her sister is desperately lonely, and I'm basically a kind person. It won't be long before these calls are not possible.

I'm just trying to get through this with minimal arguments and I feel tormented by this refusal to cooperate or even acknowledge me.

You're trying to make a situatoin that is impossible work and it can't. If you've tried for a long time then it's time you recognised that, sadly.

It's very sad for your mother but you can't force other people to behave well.

It's clearly making you very sad (it's a really unpleasant situatoin :( ) but I think you need to accept the disappointment and sadness. You need to go with what you can salvage and stop trying to push boulders up the hill.

if there are legal matters to be discussed then are there any ways around it? can you see a solicitor? If your relatives are not doing their part then you need to know what will happen if they keep on avoiding their responsibilities. Are there any alternative ways of fulfilling the legalities other than relying on their part? It's worth asking.

It's good to be a kind person but your strategy of minimal arguments and so on is not achieving anything except misery & frustration for yourself. You can still be a kind person and be a lot more assertive and combative.

Who forbids you from contacting your mother's 'lonely' sister and why? If they are so adamant on keeping the sisters apart, wouldn't it be better to leave them to it and save yourself the anxiety?

Well here's the problem. This family have got my mum to switch to their own lawyer and have already told the lawyer I'm no good. I believe that removing my POA was mentioned... I've had emails from them with false accusations (which I was easily able to deal with).

If they tell lies to the lawyer then who knows who else they are talking to and what they say to each other.

Cogito I moved my mum near me because it wasn't working out, so I have 'acted' to resolve the situation. It was a lot worse a few months ago. It's me who isn't 'permitted' to speak to my aunt, communicated to me by my cousin. The rest of the family bemoan my appalling behaviour moving my mum, but have done nothing to facilitate ongoing contact other than installing a phone in my mum's room which she can't use - unless someone helps her. I believe I am the only person who does this.

deckswabber if they're talking about removing POA and spreading lies then you have to record everything that was said, when, by whom, and then put down what actually happened. It might also be worth speaking to the lawyer directly if you haven't. But I think you need legal advice of your own to work out the what-ifs. What if they do remove POA?

Why can't they come and visit?

When it comes to your aunt, I think I would step fully away from that, sad though it would be for both your Mum and her sister. It's not a battle you're going to win and all you're achieving is personal unhappiness. If your siblings successfully remove your POA, wouldn't that mean that they would have to be a lot more involved than they currently are in the day to day? As they don't seem to be that interested in Mum on a practical level, I wonder if that's what they really want?

They won't and can't remove POA. It's just vindictive crap stirred up by my mums sister (who is elderly) and they have to respond, but it has established a difficult starting point for me if I go down this route. Its all part of the bullying.

They can visit. They have visited once in two months. I've offered to fetch my aunt for the day but this has been ignored.

My brother visits occasionally and he's only a couple of miles away.

It's very hard on your mother but just to repeat myself - I think all you can do is let them get on with it, accept the disappointment, expect nothing from them and distance yourself.

I would love to just drop it but most of my mum's possessions are at her sisters house and I still have stuff to sort out. They've got me properly tied up.

My brother s the worst - he obstructs everything I try to get done, hides stuff he is doing, and complains about me to everyone.

The combination is toxic because they each justify the other.

Is there a possibility that your aunt has dementia as well? I say that because my own DM has a form of dementia which means she is very suspicious/paranoid. She currently believed everyone is 'robbing her blind', myself included and that there are marauding bands of travellers camped out in her garden. Fortunately, she doesn't have access to lawyers.

I have been thinking that myself for some time, Cogito. But its not really for me to say it.

I would... :) Mention it next time you see your cousins, set the rabbit running and give your aunt's family something to worry about rather than sticking their nose in your business all the time.

I too would suggest that you stop being nice and accept being hung for a sheep.

How about hiring a storage space and getting your mum's solicitor to write to her sister setting a date that a van will arrive to pick everything up. Copy in her daughter...

If asked/sworn at, you can offer something pleasant about your mum then being able to see it all and choosing things she wants in her room.

Basically, your mum gets nothing out of them, no visit, support or comfort. So tell them to sod off and get on with making her life as comfortable as possible.

Good luck.

if you think they might actually ignore you turning up with a -van- .... or be out ... go through the process. Send the emails, then send a (recorded) letter saying you need a time you can pick the stuff up, then if necessary see a solicitor.

it sounds like you're still feeling very sad over the whole thing but atm your extended family set up is just not working for you. You do need to face that ...

If I didn't know for sure that my GM's only sister is dead then I would have believed you were my own poor put upon aunt.

My lot want to rob my GM and generally like putting down my aunt despite her being a near saint. Unfortunately she would be St Doormat. My GM was toxic, even in GM's old old age she is able to ruin my aunt's life.

Was your DM toxic?

I think my family is no different from other families in that there are historical problems. My mum has behaved thoughtlessly in the past, and has done some hurtful things. I've been very hurt in the past, but it's the past. I don't want to repeat it.

I don't want to cause a tsunami - I just want to get on with my life and not spend my mums latter years fending off horrible angry jealous relatives.

Its such a terrible shame - a family crisis should bring people together.

Well yes, but in this situation that is pure fantasy.

Being early 50s is irrelevant - this stuff is searingly real at any age, there's no 'getting used to it'.

You have to accept what's staring you in the face: that they are a nasty, poisonous bunch and no good will ever come out of them. Being good and kind to try to appeal to their better nature is fruitless because they don't have a better nature to appeal to. And trying to get them to be decent will destroy you completely. It's not going to happen, they have more than advertised who they are and what they are capable of: you have to listen and stop pretending all's well under the surface if you just find a way to get to it.

Gloves off time. You have nothing to lose.

Is this bullying?

For several weeks my brother has been insisting on a meeting. There is no agenda.

Until we have this meeting he won't respond to emails or help with anything that needs to be done.

Meetings and phone calls invariably go horribly wrong and are extremely upsetting. So I have said no, until I can see a reason to meet.

The last email he sent to me is all about how much he loves me and wants me to get help. And how it is essential we meet.