Familial bullying

[DeckSwabber]

Does anyone have any experience of dealing with this that would be useful to share?

I feel like my family generally isolate me and hinder me when they can, ignore my efforts to sort things out, ignore emails etc. I feel thoroughly scapegoated.

I would just curt them all off but it's not that easy - elderly relative involved.

I'm in my early fifties, btw - I feel I should be able to deal with it!

eg has anyone tried formal mediation?

Yes it's bullying. It's the kind of bullying that involves manipulation, coercion & and ultimatums, but the end result is the same i.e he wants his own way and doesn't care very much about the effect on you.

When he says he wants you to get help is he talking about hiring a cleaner or booking in with a shrink?

He often says I need counselling!

This is because he says stupid things that upset me, then he feels justified in saying I need help. Completely false concern, as far as I can see.

Previous examples of his behaviour would include

• at a meeting we had about a year ago, he made animal noises every time I tried to speak
• refusing to leave my house when requested,
• following me in the street after I had said I wanted to terminate a conversation

It's worse than false concern, it's downright offensive He obstructs & bullies you. You get upset. He says you've got psychological problems.

I realise you can't go into detail about what these things are that need to be done but is there any way you can prioritise? Put your effort into getting just one thing achieved.. like the movement of Mum's possessions... and leave the rest out completely?

Other than Mum do you have a family/life of your own? The usual problems to deal with? Work?

Animal noises? The man's lost it. Yes, that's very clear bullying and totally of the playground variety. The rest is pure intimidation.

Why is he so angry? Does he think you've 'stolen' your mother and are plotting to get your hands on her cash?

Yup - full family life (single parent) and job but no real support.

As far as I'm concerned, I can't help him so I can put his problems into the 'out of my control' basket. Meeting him won't help him any more than it will help me.

None of the rest of it is critical.

If I'm going to get more support for myself from the family I would need to disclose whats going on, but I think it could just end up as a bun fight. Messy. People might just get hurt - like me.

I suspect he's focusing on the meeting and 'sorting me out' as a distraction from whats happening to his mum and other stuff in his life.

He knows I can be trusted with my mum. And her money.

I don't know what his problem is. I think he feels I make him look bad, because I have done a lot more for my mu than he has, so he's become highly invested in making out I'm not doing a good job.

Me refusing to meet him is giving him a wonderful 'real' thing to complain about.

His problem is probably some old resentment he's stored up for years. That animal noise thing is so childish that I think it's a giveaway that, whatever it is bothering him, it has its roots in the distant past. (I'm assuming you're all well into adulthood)

When you say 'disclose what's going on'.... do you mean disclose the behaviour of your brother, disclose the problems with your mother or something else entirely?

Suggest you only do things from now on that benefit you personally. You're doing a lovely thing being your Mum's carer. You're allowed to be selfish - in the best sense of the word.

I meant disclose his odder/nastier behaviour to people who haven't seen it.

The lack of support from the rest of the family suggests that he's got there first with his tale of woe.

You really think others don't see this side of him? IME, no matter how good a play-actor someone might think they are being, and however plausible, they'll find it really difficult to hide a bullying personality 100%. Others may have seen occasional flashes of it but maybe too intimidated to say anything.

Is there not just one member of your family who you have been a little closer to than others down the years? Anyone you could cultivate one on one?

I have only seen him behave like this with my mum and his wife - and not nearly as severely (though who knows behind closed doors).

He's my aunts favourite and my aunt hates me (has done for years - no idea why) so is very open to him saying how awful I am and hearing his side.

I beg to differ that bullies slip up in public sometimes. ime bullies like this have a seamless public persona and no-one has any idea what they're really like.

Reading your posts, Deck, I can sense your immense confusion and distress around all this. No wonder. I really wouldn't bother enlisting support from, or setting the record straight with, your aunt etc - they all sound similar and I doubt you'd get anywhere.

So. It's down to you and your mum. Do what's best for you and do what's best for your mum - as long as whatever it is doesn't compromise you. It's hard to face that your family is a crock of shit (t-shirt) but the truth, however painful, is the way to freedom. It does set you free.

Yes you should disclose his odder/nastier behaviour to people who haven't seen it.

Especially if
The lack of support from the rest of the family suggests that he's got there first with his tale of woe.

IMO if they wanted to help support your DM they would already be doing it. If they thought you were genuinely bad then surely they'd be offering more help not less. Perhaps look elsewhere for support.

Thanks Springy. It's really weird to be the subject of such hostility when even the most heartless person could see that looking after someone with dementia is emotionally exhausting all on its own, without being ostracised.

AHat none of this makes sense to me. I suspect there is a lot that I'm just not told.

Darling, you've got to stop being a victim in all this.

I know, I know: harsh words. Sorry. All the 'how could people be so horrible !' is putting you firmly in the 'they are being so horrible to me' camp. Which is being a victim.

Having been said victim myself - and yes, we ARE victims of vile behaviour - we don't have to act like a victim. Rise up, my dear. You are greater than this, greater than them and their petty behaviour.

So slough off that victim skin and all the vile things they've said, done and do. Go ahead and get your life back.

Yeah I know.

I'm just sad today because I just had lunch with her and she barely knows who I am and I know that she gets very few visits from anyone else, then I've got this email in my inbox demanding this meeting and saying:

Everyone is very worried about you. Please open yourself to seeking help, I would be more than happy to be involved.

Creepy or what? I want to tell him to just DO ONE!

Lightbulb moment - of course, this is what he tells himself - if he told anyone else he was genuinely worried about me they would be here offering to help.

(Curiosity killed the cat but here goes....) What do you suppose it is about you that 'everyone' is meant to be so very worried about? (And yet not so worried that they'd actually turn up, as you point out?) Have you been seen shopping at Tesco in your nightdress? Got a restraining order from One Direction?

You've outed me, Cogito. That's me.

I don't think 'Everyone' is anyone at all. People in his head.

Or maybe its the staff at Tesco's and One Direction's Security Manager.

So the internal logic is.. you disagree with him, therefore you are mentally unwell? I think 'do one' is totally appropriate if that's the case.

I got thinking about this again because of the PoA thing. Do you think your brother wants your mum's PoA for himself? Could that be why he's implying you "need help"?

I'm asking because I've experienced slightly similar recently. I learnt that people can behave dreadfully and shamefully when money and control's involved. The demanding un-necessary meetings also struck a chord.

He already has POA.

It's the wanting to be 'involved' which is creeping me out.

Why would anyone want to be 'involved' in someone else seeking psychiatric help?

Does he see himself standing with the mental health professionals, wringing his hands in sorrow as they declare there is nothing more they can do for me, while they reassure him he has done as much as any caring sibling could do?

Maybe you should suggest that he uses his new found enthusiasm for ministering to the mentally troubled by shifting himself a bit more where Mum is concerned....?

Just wondering if you have read Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. It may or may not fit, but it could give you some revelation on controlling behaviour,

Eg it is a classic abuser tactic to believe anyone who doesn't agree with them, or allow them blanket control, is mentally ill.

Deck, having been through this, there are some simple rules. They echo everything that's been said. Its tough being in this position, really tough but you must look after yourself and your own interests.

Your siblings and family won't change, neither will their opinion of you change. Even if you manage to make inroads with them, they will change the goalposts and you will be back to square one, setting yourself up to be hurt again.

I agree that your brother is slowly wearing you down and making you doubt yourself. You have POA for a reason and its not straightforward to be awarded that. With that piece of paper, you have the authority - moral and legal to make decisions. You can consult the others, but you make the final decision.

Of course he's messing with your head to make you react - don't!. If he wants to meet, do it at your solicitors, or at the very least have a third party there to balance the conversations. I was once drawn into a meeting with a relative and regret it. It was another opportunity for them to have a tantrum and 'tell the truth' because they 'tell it like it is'. Yes, in their twisted, non-rational way.

Don't be swayed, a bully is a bully and you have to be calm and remain one step ahead. Go through solicitors if you need to but don't try and make them happy or please them. They wouldn't recognise kindness or happiness if it hit them in the face.

Trouble is we share POA so I don't think I can make big decisions on my own while he's being so obstructive - and my refusing to see him for a meeting does, on the face on it, make it look as if I'm being the difficult one.

This is one reason I stick to email - phone calls and meetings that go wrong are unrecorded.