Familial bullying

[DeckSwabber]

Does anyone have any experience of dealing with this that would be useful to share?

I feel like my family generally isolate me and hinder me when they can, ignore my efforts to sort things out, ignore emails etc. I feel thoroughly scapegoated.

I would just curt them all off but it's not that easy - elderly relative involved.

I'm in my early fifties, btw - I feel I should be able to deal with it!

eg has anyone tried formal mediation?

I am in a similar situation to you, elderly parent, abusive bullying twat for a brother. Following an abusive outburst from him in A&E while we were waiting for DM to be admitted I have gone NC with him, except for texts.

I also decided not to keep quiet about his outrageous behaviour. I confided in another relative who has known him since he was born. Her reaction was interesting, she confirmed that she doesn't like him either.

Last week he turned up at DM's house when he knew I would be there, I ignored him, but my uncle was there too & he made a comment about my brother's behaviour so I told him a few things twatbrother has done. Turns out uncle doesn't like him either.

So start spreading the word. Why should you isolate yourself? You may find that family are more on your side than you think. Stop letting him fly under the radar & keep meticulous records. If I am remembering your story correctly your DB wanted use your DM's money for his own business purposes?

That's right - HoldthePage - good memory!

My experience is that people don't want to get involved. My family are not close - weddings and funerals type of contact. I've had one phone call from a family member since all this happened. One. They call my Aunt and get their information from her.

I don't need any family members to get involved either, I just make sure they know what is really going on. The underlying issue is the money isn't it? I may be projecting here because that is certainly the problem in my case. My twatbrother wants to get his hands on DM's money.

Hi Deckswabber, just read the thread, I am going through similar but no poa registered. Joint Poa is tricky and it should have been thought through before, if you knew how things would be you shouldn't have committed yourself really, but while you are you will have to meet with your brother. You do need to talk, regardless. It should be you and him and a solicitor and you will have to go into it with some strategy.

One option might be for one of you to be removed from poa. Don't resist his solicitor because whoever he is will be bound by rules and will be impartial, If DB behaves like an idiot then the solicitor will see that.

You haven't said much about the move but if it happened against the rest of the family's wishes then you would have known the consequences of that, you are just going to have to accept their behaviour, unreasonable though it seems, but if you moved her surely you had DBs agreement?

Regarding the stuff at Auntie's, do you really want it? Consider whether it would be better to let go of it or ask for a few items and he can sort out storage. Auntie will soon get fed up with it.

It might be better to divide responsibilities, with a lawyer present so you can each get on with different things. It might be easier for you to let go of POA entirely, then all you have to do is visit Mum and he can do all the paperwork and take all the responsibilities.

Having POA is not about having control, it's about doing what is best for the person according to their wishes. After death everything that you both have said, any money being spent is held up to scrutiny so if he plays silly buggers now, legally it can be resolved later.

I think you should let go really, at least you can hold your head up and get a bit of peace of mind. If you withdraw from the scene they will probably start squabbling with each other, leave them to it!

I have not mentioned the familial bullying etc, as it may resolve itself, a bereavement or change like this reshuffles relationships completely anyway.

It might be that if you let go he will actually not want the responsibility and end up handing everything over. As the son he will feel under pressure to be seen to be taking charge and you might just have to allow him this indulgence to his ego in order to keep your own sanity and be the bigger person. Over time others will see the truth of what's happened.

HoldthePage I wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through something similar. It's miserable, isn't it?

Cottage I can't just hand everything over. My brother wanted to use her money inappropriately. He also doesn't want to do any of the work.

I sincerely wish we didn't share POA. I set the bloody thing up to be 'responsible' and at the last minute my mum decided we should share it because she 'didn't want him to be upset'. No amount of arguing that it wasn't the best basis for a decision would shift her. At the time I had no idea how awful it would be.

Yes DeckSwabber it really is a miserable position to be put in. Like you I cannot walk away because twatbrother wants access to DM's money to use for his own purpose (gambling in his case). Sometimes my DM drives me mad but I have no intention of abandoning her to the, not so tender, mercies of her son. She really doesn't deserve that.

Sometimes people are pushed/feel obliged into giving someone their PoA, which can then be abused. It definitely does happen, especially when money's involved.

Is the PoA an enduring or lasting PoA? Is it jointly or jointly and severally?

Deck, if you feel your brother's questioning your capacity by hinting you need "professional help", please take professional advice from a solicitor.

If you have evidence that he was going to use her money inappropriately then get him taken off PoA.

My suggestion was to hand it all over including the care then if he handles it badly you can take legal action then it would go back to you.

He has to understand that it is a responsibility that can be scrutinised legally.

What Cogito said is so true and succinct. Meditation vs mediation is more likely to help you.

Thank you everyone.

Actually I think the problem is that he's a bit of a fantasist - he has the big ideas but when it comes to it he doesn't do anything except stir up a bit of trouble by moaning about me so that people think I'm behaving unreasonably.

So I'm keeping evidence of his proposal 'in case'. I understand it is pretty hard to get someone removed from POA.