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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive backstory but would you LTB

40 replies

sanityisamyth · 25/01/2015 21:28

I'm not going to go into the back story but there is one (fe free to search for it if you want!) and the overwhelming advice then was to LTB.

Anyway, I carried on with the marriage, trying to sort things out for the sake of my 1 year old son. I knew things weren't right - husband was hiding his phone again (nothing unusual about that anymore though) and had totally given up talking to me.

On Saturday (last week) he had taken our son out for a few hours so I could work and I texted him to ask who she was. After some gentle coaxing he told me that he'd signed up to a dating website and had spent a week-10 days chatting online to some woman.

Would you have kicked him out?

I've since found out that this week they've met up twice.

OP posts:
Itsgoingtoreindeer · 25/01/2015 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalleighDoodle · 25/01/2015 21:31

He's too spineless to leave you without having someone else lined up.

CrispyFern · 25/01/2015 21:34

I don't really understand.

Your husband is openly dating, and you want to know if you should split up?
You probably should yes, unless you want an open relationship?

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 25/01/2015 21:35

Apparently they hadn't met up before I kicked him out on Sunday but they met up twice in a week. STBEX was also going to go there this morning until I pointed out I needed to do some work before I got sacked and he needed to look after our son.

He's now told me he doesn't love me so at least I know where I stand but would you kick a husband of nearly 10 years and father to your 1 yo son out for signing up to "plenty of fish" and chatting to the same woman for a week?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 25/01/2015 21:38

I don't really understand why you're asking.
It's more a case of why wouldn't you kick him out? (or rather, end the marriage - physical kicking out of joint home can be hard)

JoanJettPack · 25/01/2015 21:38

Definitely kick him out. There's nothing to be gained by staying with someone who is blatantly looking for another relationship.

Joysmum · 25/01/2015 21:39

I'd have kicked him out without the backstory and even if he hadn't met anyone. I'm worth more than that

CalleighDoodle · 25/01/2015 21:39

...and telling you he doesn't love you. And dating.

It doesnt matter if you kick him out or not tbh. Hes not in your relationship anymore

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 25/01/2015 21:41

Just making sure I'm doing the right thing. I've been telling him for months I wanted to go and sort divorce etc but he kept telling me he loved me and when I kicked him out last time he was pestering me constantly until I let him back in. This is definitely permanent this time but he's been very deceitful and back-stabbing for nearly a year and I don't really know what I think, know or feel anymore.

OP posts:
Teeb · 25/01/2015 21:42

He doesn't love you, he's dating other women, there is no relationship.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but if you hang around clinging to 'marriage' he's going to think you're a mug, amongst many others.

Cabrinha · 25/01/2015 21:42

Yes, I'd end my marriage if my husband signed up to POF, let alone got as far as talking to anyone!

In fact, not true to say I'd end it - in fact, I would consider that he had ended it.

Even though some people might work through an affair (and at least you might say an affair was vaguely unplanned?!) I don't think there's many people would ever say you have to. Maybe some weird freak who thinks women are possessions? So everyone would say that ending it was a perfectly acceptable option.

Tbh, if you don't think it's acceptable to dump a guy who actively looks for other women, then you're screwed up. I mean that in a kind way, worrying about you, I'm not insulting you Flowers It's not normal to think you just have to put up with that shit!

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 21:42

what's the question again ? Confused

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 25/01/2015 21:46

No in my mind it's definitely over and I know I'm well rid of him. Last week he was asking me if it was definitely was I wanted - I told him to stop being so spineless but other people are asking if that's all he's done wrong.

Backstory in case anyone wants it ...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2163339-Need-opinions-and-to-get-this-off-my-chest-husbands-behaviour-with-ex-friends-of-mine

OP posts:
Fontella · 25/01/2015 21:53

what's the question again?Confused

Grin
TestNamePleaseIgnore · 25/01/2015 21:54

He doesn't love you and is seeing somebody else.

its not about you choosing. He has already chosen. Sorry to he harsh but its the simplest way I could say it.

TestNamePleaseIgnore · 25/01/2015 21:55

Be*

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 25/01/2015 21:57

Thanks for the replies. It's more that other people that I've told are telling me I've overreacted and "guys going on dating websites is as normal as them looking for jobs online"??? Shock

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 21:59

who cares what "other people" think ?

if you lived your life like that you would currently be washing the spunky sheets after he shagged OW in your bed

Nextwednesday · 25/01/2015 21:59

I don't know about you LTB. It sounds like he has left you and already moved on.

Fairenuff · 25/01/2015 22:03

I think he has kicked you out OP. It's over. He told you he doesn't love you and he has moved on. If you want to let him come round for meals, clean clothes and a shag then that's up to you but your marriage is over in his eyes.

ImperialBlether · 25/01/2015 22:06

He's messed you about so much that you can't see straight. You really need to get rid of him so that you can get back to being the real you.

Stay on here as you take each step; you'll be given tons of support.

ninetynineonehundred · 25/01/2015 22:07

It's not normal in a good relationship.
Even if it wasn't you are allowed to not be happy with it.
You are not going mad. He has acted very badly and shown you no respect.
Anyone who is telling you otherwise is really not a friend to you.
I'm so sorry. This must be hurting a lot.

RandomNPC · 25/01/2015 22:08

He's crossed the line there, and then some.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2015 22:10

he is so far over the line it is a tiny dot on the horizon

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 25/01/2015 22:14

Yeah it's massively hurting. It's my sister, dad and step mum telling me I should try to stay with him for the sake of my son but I've been messed around for so long. I don't know how to be independent- he always controlled everything and now he's just fucked off

OP posts: