Massive backstory but would you LTB

[sanityisamyth]

I'm not going to go into the back story but there is one (fe free to search for it if you want!) and the overwhelming advice then was to LTB.

Anyway, I carried on with the marriage, trying to sort things out for the sake of my 1 year old son. I knew things weren't right - husband was hiding his phone again (nothing unusual about that anymore though) and had totally given up talking to me.

On Saturday (last week) he had taken our son out for a few hours so I could work and I texted him to ask who she was. After some gentle coaxing he told me that he'd signed up to a dating website and had spent a week-10 days chatting online to some woman.

Would you have kicked him out?

I've since found out that this week they've met up twice.

your family don't have your best interests at heart I am afraid

it is very poor advice to turn yourself into a doormat for the sake of hanging onto a man that is still cheating on you

Your family are wankers. I suspect a good part of why you ever accepted this shit goes right back to idiots like that bringing you up. There is only one response a family member should give when they find out their sister /daughter is being treated like this: "my darling, I'm sorry, come here for a hug - now how can I help you leave him?"
(OK, two responses - they can also say "I'm going to fucking kill him!!!!" )

Well done for not accepting his shot despite the lack of family support.

What don't you know how to do, to be independent?

If it's emotional, get counselling.
If it's practical, ask here. Plenty of people can give you tips. What do you need help with?

sanityisamyth, I read your last thread too, and I remember you mentioning certain triggers. With that in mind, and given your traumatic past, just have a read of this and see if anything seems familiar:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder/#.VMVswkaQGnN

Being independent is just a matter of practise. You'll get there.

If you are stuck, ask MN, the collective wisdom will sort you out on everything from meal planning through bank account opening to what work trousers to buy.

Have your sister, dad and step mum been round to tear a strip off him for throwing his marriage away?

If they think marriage is important then that would be the correct response.

Did your father cheat on your mother? Was your stepmother the OW? If not, why do you think they are ignoring this man's behaviour? And why on earth is your sister on board as well?

It sounds to me like you might either be misinterpreting what they're saying or you've not conveyed to them what's actually going on.

RandomNPC yes some of those seem appropriate. Why? I'm already under a counsellor/psychotherapist although it's been a while since I've seen her.

Thanks for all the supportive responses. STBEH has always been quite controlling - we even had an argument because I wanted to buy some milk because my sister was coming to stay. He would let me as we never finished the bottle and didn't like throwing it away.

I literally haven't done anything on my own spontaneously or with friends for years.

SSOS - no my parents marriage was over before my dad and step mum met. They didn't know the full story. My dad has never really liked STBEH though. Sister knew most of story - it was her that said men going on dating websites was normal?!

If you think some things in that link seem familiar to you, it might be worth discussing with your therapist. Just that really.

Men in a monogamous relationship going on dating sites is not normal

Thanks Random. I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar which is managed but there's true horrors in my past.

AF that's what I thought ...

... how can you stay with someone who does not want to stay with you? Is you sister aware of what you husband has said to you?

The relationship is over and even if he wanted to stay, I cannot see why you would bother given the circumstances. Don't waste anymore of your time stressing about this. Do your very best to move on.

I am NewRule - don't worry. Going to see Solicitor ASAP. Slight problem is his mother is a retired family solicitor but we get on quite well still so shouldn't be too tricky

All that means is he'll get free legal advice. It doesn't mean he'll get more in settlement!

Honey, of course it's not normal for anyone in a committed relationship to use dating sites. You know that. Feel sorry for your sister if she doesn't know that; she's got such poor ideas that she's probably going to be very unhappy in her relationships.

The whole stay together for the baby pressure. Yes, some people do that. Not happy people. Usually not with happy children either. I remember my godparents when I was a child. They hated each other. They stayed together for the children. It was obvious they hated each other, they lived in the same house, but lived very separate lives, and were frosty and unkind to each other. It was awful for their children. They did it to be 'respectable', I suppose, divorce wasn't the done thing then. It was what people felt they had to do in the past but now, thank god, there are other options other than everyone being miserable. They are still 'together' in some ridiculous sense although they are now in their 80s. Still both bloody miserable. It's a tragedy.

Don't let yours and your child's life be a tragedy.

Your husband doesn't love you. Your marriage is over. Full stop.