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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Same script, OW and heart broken hand hold, shoulder and advice needed :(

57 replies

cindersinsuburbia · 25/01/2015 18:45

Well I ever thought I'd post this.

My H told me today that he was leaving me ands our 2 DC. Oh yeah and that he was having (a lot) of sex with a mum at the kids school who I know quite well.

He of course did not want to tell the kids, so I did, for their sakes and then he got rather pissed off when I didn't think him staying the dining room whilst still shagging another women was a good idea :-/ ( we rent and I pay.

So I feel bereft the kids are destroyed but I know I don't him back, he doesn't want me anyway, more that he has nowhere to go.

Sooooo any advise? I'm going to ask my doctor for a sick note for a couple of weeks, to sort things out and speak with the school but that's all my head as space for

Sad
OP posts:
Nolim · 25/01/2015 18:53

What is his exit plan? Does he intend to stay living at your home indefinitely?

MatildaTheCat · 25/01/2015 18:55

So sorry, how awful. Do you have RL support around you?

Well, he told you he was leaving so it's not unreasonable for you to expect him to go. He will just have to make some arrangements. Not your concern. Agree some time off might be in order during which time you can box up his stuff and begin to figure out what next.

First of all, though do very little except nurture yourself and dc because that's one hell of a shock.Sad

borisgudanov · 25/01/2015 18:56

What a filthy twat. Maybe a two-timing lying cocklodging scumbag cockroach is exactly what she was looking for? Or maybe she will come to her senses when the honeymoon spell wears off, in which case leave him in the gutter where he belongs. And get a solicitor to hit him with a few letters. Bastard.

Fontella · 25/01/2015 19:02

When you say - 'we rent I pay' - does that mean it's just your name on the tenancy agreement?

magoria · 25/01/2015 19:02

Sorry you are going through this.

Maybe add an STI test to your list at the GP?

Just take care of yourself and your DC for now.

rosiepinkcheeks · 25/01/2015 19:12

So sorry to hear your news Cinders. If your DH has any decency left then he needs to leave this evening - staying in the home after betraying you and the children is not on. You have had a dreadful shock and need space. You and your DC's will get through this. Just focus on yourself and the DC. Do get some RL support. Flowers

Blue73 · 25/01/2015 19:19

First off, very sorry to hear this - and of course you're hurting and vunerable right now but please do not make any emotionally charged moves just yet. You say you told the kids for "their sakes" but really, was it for them or to hit back at your husband? Please, please remember in all of this that the children see him as their father, they don't know what's gone on in your relationship and you don't say how old they are, so if they're still young they cannot comprehend what he has done. I say this as the daughter of parents who dragged me into their break-up, my mother used me a pawn to hit back at my dad (there was no affair, they just hated one another). It was upsetting that my parents were divorcing but even more confusing for me because my mum kept trying to get me to take her side, yet I adored my dad - he'd not done anything wrong to me. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but please don't make my mum's mistake. Take the action you need to secure your home, and to keep your children safe and comforted but deal with his infidelity away from them. And just think how satisfying it will be to take the moral high ground!!

Original poster
cindersinsuburbia · 25/01/2015 19:26

No I pay everything as I am the working parent, he can access money if he needs it.

I am trying to be as amiable as I can but of course he feels that should include sleeping here whilst having sex elsewhere.

He only told me today as a friend of hers was going to tell me apparently very Jeremy Kyle Hmm

I think he thinks he's got a future with her shame he has to destroy mine Sad

I am being as reasonable as I can, when he visits the DCS I said I will have them ready at the door apparently that is unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
cindersinsuburbia · 25/01/2015 19:30

Blue 73
I am also a child of a bad break up, hence me doing nothing but protecting the kids. I have said that mummy and daddy are not going to live together but we both love them and they will see their daddy everyday and talk on the phone and when he has his own place they will have 2 bedrooms and will share their time.

They were distraught as was I, but I tried to hide my pain from them. My concern is them, he's a cunt and as far as I am concerned the man I married is dead.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 25/01/2015 19:32

Do not let him stay. He should have thought about logistics when he was sleeping around. Pack his things and drop them at his mothers or at his OW house.

Remain strong and dignified. Yes to seeing the GP, you may need some meds to see you through the next few months as it will be hard when you come to terms with all the upheaval.

Does he do the childcare at the moment? How old are the DC

hamptoncourt · 25/01/2015 19:35

Is his name on the lease?

You may have to instigate divorce proceedings to get him to move out, sorry.

I think you should see a solicitor as soon as you can, even if you take no action yet, just so you get your likely options. Many will give 30 mins free.

I know it is all raw but I would be wary of saying things like "you will see your daddy every day." That would be unusual and once he is out and possibly with OW, you may find he is less interested in the DC.

Of course it is reasonable that when he collects DC he just collects them at the door. He obviously wants to have his cake and eat it.

You are right he is a total cunt. Thanks

PlumFairy2014 · 25/01/2015 19:43

Other people here have better advice but hugs and Flowers. I can't imagine how tough it must be for you and the DC.

For what it's worth I don't think it's unreasonable to have them ready at the door, you can let him in when/if you feel ready to, after what he has done. It is totally unreasonable for him to expect to stay also.

alabastergirl · 25/01/2015 19:50

So he told you this and expects to stay in the home you pay for? No way sunshine. Bloody hell, he needs to leave tonight.

And quite right, children at the door ready for handovers. He doesn't cross the threshold ever again. He can't have his cake and eat it.

Have you got real life support? So sorry, you will be reeling. Being signed off work for a short time is a very wise move.

Original poster
cindersinsuburbia · 25/01/2015 20:18

Yeah I do have some RL support so that's good but I don't really know anyone else who has been through it Sad

Everyone Is in shock, I know it sounds crazy but I hoped he would of said ' let's try again' Sad I know I wouldn't but still it would have made me feel wanted. Sad

I just want to fast forward a couple of months till things get easier

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/01/2015 21:16

You sound very focussed and determined cinders. Stay strong.

I think you need to ask around for a good, experienced lawyer.

When did you find out, and where's he been staying since?

Fairenuff · 25/01/2015 22:12

Where is he now OP?

KatyLovesKats · 25/01/2015 22:44

This is awful for you... Just get through the days for now. The company of your RL friends will be a huge comfort. A similar thing happened to me two and a half years ago. I went to the GP and got a sick note which gave me time to sort myself out.

Arrange a meeting with a solicitor so you know where you stand but don't be rushed into anything.

It's not unreasonable to have the DC ready at the door. Be prepared to stand up for yourself because if your ex is anything like mine he will want a divorce on his terms, meaning you live a separate house but carry on doing everything he wants. Wrong! You do what you want.

Keep posting so we know you are ok. You are doing really well so far. But I know how tough it is.

Original poster
cindersinsuburbia · 26/01/2015 01:32

Hi everyone thank you for the concern, it's really touching.

I don't know where H is currently my guess probably the OW. I don't care I have the house key now.

Can't sleep though, Sad keep thinking of 'them' but every thought is like a knife.

I Just think I'm still in shock really

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/01/2015 06:37

Two thoughts to keep in mind today. He's got a head start on you and although it doesn't sound as though he was planning on leaving you, he at least hasn't got the reeling shock to deal with that you have.

Secondly, he's no longer your friend. Don't be tempted to expect that he may behave like one. Don't play "Pick Me".

MinceSpy · 26/01/2015 06:50

OP get legal advice urgently and also be very careful about how much money your ex can get his hands on. You may not be able to refuse to let him live in the house anymore than he could stop you. Good luck and stay focused.

magoria · 26/01/2015 13:12

If he has left you with the DC then change you bank details so he has no access to your money.

ChickyEgg · 26/01/2015 13:15

You need to get legal advice ASAP. If you have the children, why are you supporting him? I don't feel he should have easy access to your money.

Original poster
cindersinsuburbia · 26/01/2015 17:14

So today has been really hard Sad but I have managed to do the following:

  • change my online account so he cannot access my wages.
  • spoke to the school who have been great and keeping an eye on the kids. They will start wrap around care after this week.
  • blocked the sim contract he has that I pay for, he has a PAYG which is his 'affair phone' - but I was the biggest bitch for cancelling that.
  • got my sick note for two weeks
  • I have his key to the house, he will rent a room, before most likely moving in with OW at some point,
  • He has no intentions to come back/or try to 'get back with me' but still felt he can sleep in the dining room, whilst seeing OW. Sad

I feel so heartbroken and unloved and unattractive and alone Sad Sad I was always came last with him, and did so til the bitter end

Apologies, for the pity party i'm just so low, I know things will be better, I hate living through the pain though.

He has taken the kids out for a hour, they seemed upbeat and smiled as they left.... it just feels so... unfair

OP posts:
Vivacia · 26/01/2015 17:18

Cinders you are an absolute hero, I am in awe.

Pity-party to your heart's content. I am a firm believer in hibernating away when you need it. Dig deep, burrow down and look after yourself. Do you have real life shoulders to cry on?

Original poster
cindersinsuburbia · 26/01/2015 17:26

thanks vivacia

Yes I do i'm very lucky my two lovely friends came to check on me and brought cake Smile

I just try to hold on to fact that i'm free now and although this pain cuts like a knife, its one day at a time

Hopefully one day i'll have my own happy ending, I just to reach 3/6 months into the future now

OP posts:
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