Cinders, you are great! You have done so many positive moves today.
Your kids are still very young I understand. So why not hug them strong and bring them to sleep in your bed? their warmth their hugs can be great for you now! It helps a lot. I hugged my kids a lot when my H disclosed me his affair (that resulted in a child - and Disclosure Day was when the child was about 6!!!!).
I am absolutely OK now. My kids are also OK. Here my suggestions based on my experience:
Try to find someone to take your kids to school and to bring them from school (forget about homework) and just lay in bed a couple of days, hug yourself and enjoy being on your own-
you said you always came last with him. So good riddance of him.
Now you will come first with yourself.
I am now into zumba mix dance and yoga classes. At the start- straight after the DD- I could not focus on my steps/moves. I would just watch the clock/my watch and of course I would look at other people as if I were far away very far away from them in another planet - I was numbed by my pain. But I obliged myself to stay till the end of the classes. Every day I was able to focus for an extra minute more than the day before I was happy. It was less than half a year ago. Now I dance stretch and smile and smile- I have the broadest grin in my classes (I am the worst dancer but who cares...)
I remember at the start I would lye awake in my bed and I would feel like a drill in my heart- a big hole was being drilled in my heart and in my life because of his cheating. It was a mental and physical pain. My memories were being poisoned. So I told myself: I have a cancer but it is a curable kind of cancer. I just have to carefully cut out of my mind and my body the diseased parts and everything will then be fine. My cure is in my hands.
I told myself I will not let his affair define me- hence I fought against the need to continuously talk about it (I disclosed it to few people- my daughters were allowed to tell it to whomever they wanted- the little ones know that there was an OW but do not yet know about the little child.) I tried to listen to what others say- to their problems- I tried to remind myself all the time that there are many good people in worst situations and it humbled me. I wrote a lot on MN though. Women out here are great. (In fact now I am absolutely OK myself, there are still little problems but they are minor and I now visit MN to try to help other people - I am not sure I am good at helping- I just try every so often to help-)
The first weeks after DD I did not cook: I took the kids to McDonald and to junk food restaurants that they like. They loved it and when they enjoyed their food I let my mind wander...I did not do much cleaning or tidying either.
Just forget about the mess- avoid housework for a while- watch movies or read books or talk to friends. (Did you read White Lies? a nice book about mums of schoolchildren- betrayal- and forgiveness.) Delegate everyday tasks to others. Oblige yourself to go out for a walk, to sit in a park. Breath the air admire the flowers the sky etc etc Another thing I did: I subscribed to a dating site and I talked to many guys there. You will be surprised how many horny disgusting men are there - not all are like that of course- Anyway this site provided me with many males to talk to when I just needed to talk to people and when I was avoiding to drive nuts my friends (and myself). It helped. I thought of the poor wives of the married ones among them...I met no-one and I did not give much info about where I lived. I subscribed under a wrong name and address (wrong town).
Now about the kids: a good friend of mine -a man- told me that when he was thirteen years old his dad left the house to be with an OW. My friend told me that he did not care of the moral implications/meanings- what disturbed him a lot was seeing his mum crying in her room on her own in the dark. So it is good that you did not leave the kids in the dark. Explain to your kids that you are heartbroken but that you will soon be OK and that it does not have anything to do with them ; repeat to them that their dad will always be their dad and you and him will always love them. Of course you must tell them that their dad decided to go to be with an OW. They will discover it- the kids of the OW are in the same school if my understanding is correct. Moreover you have to empower them if other kids at school will bring it out at them. Just tell them the facts of the story: he left to be with this OW. Nothing to be ashamed of and it is OK that your heart is broken and if they are a bit sad it is also OK. Why did he go? you just tell them that this happens sometimes - don't put too much emphasis on his. They can't yet care of this aspect of the affair. Just repeat to them that it has nothing to do with them and reiterate to them that both of you will always be their parents and will always love them. Do not forget to let them know that you are strong. You are now hurt, but you will overcome this pain. And give them big hugs all the time.
It is absolutely OK that he does not meet the kids in your house: it is your sanctuary. When you will overcome this trauma then you might reconsider this policy. As at now be firm: we were in the same house and I was not speaking to him. I explained to my kids that I was too hurt. The kids should never guess your pain or catch you hiding it. Of course you must not show its magnitude but do not completely hide it: what they imagine will have far more devastating impact on them.
Financially: I see that you are taking the right protections.
About laws: there is plenty of info on the internet. Looking for the info will help you pass the time and also strengthen you in your legal fight.
Time is a big healer. Project yourself in the future. You do not want to be a bitter bitchy mum. You will become a more compassionate and content mum. And you know this kind of pain does move us out of our comfort zone- it strengthens and humbles us at the same time. I found myself thinking about people who lost limbs in war/accidents/or through illnesses. They learn to live without them. I lost part of my life: but I can cultivate a brand new one.
In all this affair you can hold your head high: you are absolutely OK- He is not- it is his problem. The OW: do not even think about her. If her thought comes to you just brush it aside and bring up instead the image of a dear person. Do not empower her in your mind.
It is cancer - part of you is dying- you are a great surgeon and you will slowly get rid of all the diseased cells- It is what I was telling myself....
Big Hugs! Good Luck! Keep us updated!