Feeling quite low to be honest with DW

[dadtryinghisbest]

Not sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post. Perhaps I'm just getting things off my chest, perhaps I'm hoping for lots of sympathy, perhaps I really want someone to tell me the below is just normal...

Have three young children with my long term wife. We had them late, and it's been challenging for us all. We are in a good place now, but a few years ago we were in the eye of the storm so to speak....trying to move house, and everything related to this, as well as having children. Everyone tried their best, and we've eventually come out good.

However I've discovered that my DW - whom I love so much it hurts, and whom I desperately want to be accepted by - has been low-level griping about me to a bunch of women via social media. They talk about their husbands reasonably negatively, and share intimate information...

During this time I have been working so hard, I have let all my friends go - and certainly would feel terrible anyhow talking to others about my DW negatively...

So now I suddenly feel really really low, and lonely. It feels like it's me against a group of women.....and I feel I'm slightly estranged from my DW..

I remember when in my first ante-natal group the conversation turning to how men might expect their other half to get angry with them during labour (which shocked me)...and to be honest it feels like it's been that way ever since...

To summarise, I felt we were a close couple,...and suddenly it feels like I've been regarded as the enemy these past few years...

Not sure how seriously to take this...

"Low level griping" does not equal being the enemy.

What exactly has she been saying about you? Are her comments fair? How is it different to what you are writing here?

And I'm presuming the "social media" you describe is not this site.

So you aren't happy because your DW had been low level griping online, so you come online to moan about her.

Y

Long term wife??

What has she been saying that has upset you? Even if you don't feel it's true it might be from her perspective??

I do think it would be quite hard to stomach if I went online and found my dh had been discussing me negatively with others.....................

You need to talk to your DW to find out if she is truly unhappy with you or your behaviour and try to work out between you how to deal with it in a mutually satisfactory way.
In my experience many all female conversations often turn to griping about the spouse but I think it is often done for comedy effect and is not a serious marriage problem.

Long term wife??

^ WTF?

I love the Y sticking his fingers up

I think it all depends on context and scale. I know lots of people affectionately moan about the old cliches (leaves wet towels on the floor, doesn't close cupboard doors etc) which always makes me a little uncomfortable but isn't intended in a nasty way. But if it's more than that I can understand you feeling hurt. I would calmly talk to her about how it makes you feel, and see if there are any genuine concerns she has or if she was just moaning for the sake of moaning (which is not ok IMO).

christ almighty, you sound wet

Yes, talk to your wife.

Or rather sit down and listen to her.
She might feel quite lonely in your relationship too.
And there is nothing lonelier that feeling lonely in a relationship.

I think it is really common for children to change all parameters you thought were a given in a relationship and unless you have good functional communication going both ways between the two of you, it will cause resentment.

Wrt to 'low level griping': surely that's better than 'I hate his guts'? She's discontented, you are discontented.
Does she know how you feel?
You are one step ahead in that you have come across how she feels.
What now matters is what you do with that information: hold it against her or take it as a starting point for listening and talking and reconnecting as a couple.

In her " low level griping" does your long term wife (????) call you an oversensitive little snowflake by any chance?

"a bunch of women" is that the correct collective noun? I prefer "a coven" personally.

Agree with PP, are her gripes valid? Has she raised them with you first and got nowhere? How do you respond to her when she raises a gripe directly?

Ah, stop going on about the 'long term wife' - I am a long term wife and had DC late in life. It does things to a relationship….

I got the impression from the Op that his wife has not 'griped' directly to him, but on social media - isn't that what MN social media are for?! I can moan on here about low level stuff that bothers me about DH who I love dearly and therefore feel less of a need to throttle him in RL. Win-win

Ignoring the irony of using a website to complain about 'the current mrsdad' complaining about you(!) it depends on
a) what was said where and how confidential it was
b) was it news to you?
I would not like to be slated by my dh and would be hurt if he was disloyal. If he was just venting though or genuinely trying to get a handle on things then I would be less pissy if it was simply discussing crap I do that I know annoys him but won't stop doing. On the other hand if he was discussing intimate stuff non-anonymously or seeking marriage advice without discussing it with me who he is actually married to I would be fuming.
She might still be angry with you post birth if you have not been supportive. Three kids is hard. Really hard.
As for resentment in labour, why would that come as a shock? Do you not see the movies? I was quite reasonable to my other half because he knew not to say stupid things or try to mop my brow but fair or not, if you feel like you are dying or literally being torn in two, the person that knocked you up who is not suffering is going to feel your wrath! My dh felt my pain in other ways I am sure.
So....as to what you do now
Read the critique...is it justified
What is she wanting...do you know
Is it just banter (shudder) oh the menz (shudder) or is it genuine hurt/resentment/anger
Is it news to you?
Get off the keyboard, make a brew and discuss the issues with your wife. Or look after your three kids proactively and give her a break (projecting much)

1. Low level griping is harmless and meaningless
2. Tell her if you're hurt
3. Get some friends - part of the problem is you're too couple focused and not independant enough
4. Talk to her and stop whining about her on the Internet

Actually I assume there is a difference between 'griping' on social media and mumsnet. On MN you are generally anonymous, and so is your DP if you moan about them. On social media you know the people don't you? That makes it a bit more of a kick in the teeth.

Thing is OP, lots of people have a little moan about their partners to their friends, it just doesn't tend to be written down! It doesn't really mean anything.

You should talk to her about it.

Well assuming that this website is not mums net and you've been snooping on your wife and are trying to get back at her I think you have the right to feel a bit hurt. I would be hurt if my husband was complaining about me and not talking to me about it. But if it's just a whinge about daft stuff then meh a lot of couples do it. I know my decorating drives him nuts.

I suggest you talk to your wife but it depends on what she's been saying and if it's here and you've snooped then you reap what you sow.

I'm wondering if she did raise the issues with you whether you'd think she was nagging / moaning, which would make you either withdraw or still feel resentful.

So she does it anonymously, online to a bunch of strangers with no vested interest in your relationship to get it off her chest rather than create an atmosphere at home.

Don't be a drip

I love my DH dearly, he loves me just as much.

However, he never changes the loo roll, leaves his shoes under the oven, snores, leave the back door open whilst 'nipping' to the garage and forgets to tell us if he's on a late one or going away.

He gripes about my irritating habits (of which I have many).

It's not that important to either of us because I'm not perfect, and neither is he. We can't be perfect happy all of the time and those who try to insist that's how it comes across are two faced!

I think it is incredibly disloyal of spouses/partners to engage in "low-level griping" about their spouse/partner with groups of friends.

If there is something you don't like, talk to friends discreetly to clarify your thoughts and then tackle your partner about your problems without making accusations.